If You're Not Interested In Someone, Do You Owe Them An Explanation?

[Catlynn]

Unfortunately, I've dealt with the situation far too many times. Like you said, it very much depends on who the person is in my relationship with them. I don't always feel like I need to give an explanation but sometimes I do, either for their benefit or for future women. Lol

 

[Catlynn]

I do agree that if it all possible you should be courteous to the other person. I think that it helps with growth and closure. But sometimes you have to set boundaries. I dated a guy a few times a couple months ago and he was great in the beginning but he very quickly started planning our future together and sharing intimate details about his life I do agree that if it all possible you should be courteous to the other person. I think that it helps with growth and closure. But sometimes you have to set boundaries. I dated a guy a few times a couple months ago and he was great in the beginning but he very quickly started planning our that one might only share with someone they were in a deeply committed relationship with. I communicated, very clearly, with him that it was a little bit too much for me. That I hadn't been in a relationship in a really long time and that I needed to take things slowly. I asked him to just relax and enjoy the process but instead he kept pushing and kept planning and eventually I had to let him go. But I told him why and I told him that there are no hard feelings and that I just wasn't at the same place that he was. But he still didn't get it. He didn't understand why I wasn't feeling the same way that he was or why I didn't think we were perfect for each other. :/

 

[kenthomas27]

I do agree that if it all possible you should be courteous to the other person. I think that it helps with growth and closure. But sometimes you have to set boundaries. I dated a guy a few times a couple months ago and he was great in the beginning but he very quickly started planning our future together and sharing intimate details about his life I do agree that if it all possible you should be courteous to the other person. I think that it helps with growth and closure. But sometimes you have to set boundaries. I dated a guy a few times a couple months ago and he was great in the beginning but he very quickly started planning our that one might only share with someone they were in a deeply committed relationship with. I communicated, very clearly, with him that it was a little bit too much for me. That I hadn't been in a relationship in a really long time and that I needed to take things slowly. I asked him to just relax and enjoy the process but instead he kept pushing and kept planning and eventually I had to let him go. But I told him why and I told him that there are no hard feelings and that I just wasn't at the same place that he was. But he still didn't get it. He didn't understand why I wasn't feeling the same way that he was or why I didn't think we were perfect for each other. :/

Poor Catlyn. She had to tell the guy the same thing over and over so often that it carried over into CC.

you're in my prayers

 

[CatHerder]

Personally, I really admire people who earnestly put their intentions and feelings out there. I find that a lot of people find it a real challenge to do this. I think if someone pursues you, and you don't think it's right, out of respect and honour, something should be said and/or explained. Even if its simple 'I don't see you that way'.

If you don't know where someone is at with themselves, I think it's a good idea to give them a piece of 'closure' if that's the right word for this context. I think putting yourself out there is an emotional investment in itself and people need some sort of soft landing.

In saying that, a couple of years ago as a new convert, I remember I was working at the auto parts and accessories retail store on weekends while studying at university, and this really nice young man asked for help with parts for his car. He was really confident and kind. He left, came back, I made some joke that left both of us cackling with laughter, then he came back for a third time asking for my number. I was super excited. So we said we'd meet up for coffee at night since I was still working at that point.

So while I kept working, he messaged me 5 times and called 5 times, and then started leaving messages like, 'Leaving me hanging, you're so mean.' So the red lights start flashing, I felt very uncomfortable considering he knew I was working until late afternoon. At first I didn't respond, but eventually he called again and again, and I just ended up messaging him, 'Sorry, I don't think this is a good idea. I'm sorry about this.' I just felt like I needed to let him down gently because his emotions and reactions did not seem stable, which was such a contrast to the man that asked my for my number earlier that day.

And actually thinking about it, he may have been the last person who actually took the first step and asked me out for coffee. Wow, it's been a long time.

... Maybe... I smell bad or something....? Or maybe because I love tacos too much.

In skimming this, I read it as "he massaged me 5 times..." and I was thinking "Wow! This escalated quickly!" I think you handled the situation well.

Happy Taco Tuesday! If it is Tuesday there still...

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

While I don't plan on doing that if I ever go on another date again, I find it fascinating how women will fantasize about their wedding at the age of five. Who they will marry. What the guy will look like. Where the wedding will be. How many will be there. Yet they turn around and run away if the guy brings up the subject early on in dating. Why is that?

For me, a guy getting invested THAT quickly makes me feel like he isn't protecting his heart well enough, which means that if things don't work out he's going to get hurt. So then I have to try to protect his heart for him by creating more boundaries and trying to slow things down, which is exhausting.

If on the first date, or even in talking with one another BEFORE dating, he is already saying things like "I can see myself married to you", panic is a natural reaction. That's a little different than just discussing "the subject of marriage" which I have no problem with. It's emotional attachment too early on that I have a hard time with, and that is because people get hurt.

(For the record, I never had "who will I marry" or wedding fantasies.)

Question: What SHOULD a woman say when she is seeing a man and can tell that he is becoming very attached while she herself is still making up her mind about him?

 

[jsr1221]

For me, a guy getting invested THAT quickly makes me feel like he isn't protecting his heart well enough, which means that if things don't work out he's going to get hurt. So then I have to try to protect his heart for him by creating more boundaries and trying to slow things down, which is exhausting.

If on the first date, or even in talking with one another BEFORE dating, he is already saying things like "I can see myself married to you", panic is a natural reaction. That's a little different than just discussing "the subject of marriage" which I have no problem with. It's emotional attachment too early on that I have a hard time with, and that is because people get hurt.

(For the record, I never had "who will I marry" or wedding fantasies.)

Question: What SHOULD a woman say when she is seeing a man and can tell that he is becoming very attached while she herself is still making up her mind about him?

I think you answered your question in your post . Let him know things are starting to move a little too fast, and you would to bring it back a bit. I know everyone is different in these situations, but me personally (I guess because I'm a guy, so maybe it's different) if I really liked a girl but she came on way too strongly for me at the beginning, I would tell her but I wouldn't end things with her. All of us have flaws in relationships. And a lot of us get nervous. We don't know why the person gets attached too quickly, but through honest communication (which makes or breaks any and every relationship) we could solve the issue and maybe even grow stronger as a result of it. That's what I would want to do. For the women on here, would you all run away if a guy came on too strongly, even though he could be the one God sent for you? I know first impressions are a lot, but like I mentioned you don't really know a book until you open it up. So you can't really know a person until you see in him/her. What do you all think?

 

[egeiro]

In skimming this, I read it as "he massaged me 5 times..." and I was thinking "Wow! This escalated quickly!" I think you handled the situation well.

Happy Taco Tuesday! If it is Tuesday there still...

It was 1am Thursday morning when you posted this, my time (But no one said you can't have tacos on a Thursday!).

However, I can absolutely relate. The amount of posts I have had to double take on because I am reading them first thing in the morning, before my morning coffee has even been completely devoured...

Let's just say it's a good thing I re-read them. Otherwise I would have probably concluded you were all a bunch of Kentucky fried ninja zombie llamas by now.

And could someone please give me five back massages. Thank you, and good-bye!

 

[seoulsearch]

Kim, didn't you start a similar thread a week ago?

Or, am I stuck in a time warp?

I don't think so, Roh, because the events that inspired this thread took place the day before I wrote it.

And even if it is somehow a repeat, I can't say I have any regrets because of all the interesting discussion people have generously contributed here.

Particularly... Catherder thinking that some people were getting repeated massages...

And to think, all I ever get is junk mail and spam.

 

[Roh_Chris]

I don't think so, Roh, because the events that inspired this thread took place the day before I wrote it.

And even if it is somehow a repeat, I can't say I have any regrets because of all the interesting discussion people have generously contributed here.

Particularly... Catherder thinking that some people were getting repeated massages...

And to think, all I ever get is junk mail and spam.

I apologize Kim. I think I was stuck in a timewarp yesterday. Lack of adequate sleep and physical exhaustion can make me feel like that.

Anyway, I think there has to be secret behind why some people get repeated massages. I think we have to scratch the surface here.

Anyway.... I value feedback if I am being rejected by someone. Also, I tend to give some feedback while rejecting a person. But, it would be nice if the feedback was more constructive rather than hurtful. When I was in school there was a girl I had a huge crush on. I told a friend of mine (who, 'incidentally' happened to be her good friend), that I had a crush on her. This guy went and told her about me. The girl was, apprently, horrified to know that I had a crush on her and told him that she never wanted to see my face! Well, I never bothered to verify what he told me, but that left me feeling bitter and resentful for a long time. It was worse because that was not the first time I was rejected. That is still the most painful rejection I ever received.

Fast forward to this day and age .. I don't look so bad anymore and I think I can handle rejections better.

 

[seoulsearch]

Aww... I'm really sorry to hear about the way that girl treated you, Roh. And no worries about wondering if I had repeated myself... I'm guilty of that quite often so it's not a problem at all!

I mean, I said... it's not a problem...

For what it's worth, I've seen the amazing pictures you've posted in your profile.

And the pictures that are the most amazing are the ones of you in them, because we get to see an inviting, comforting, and very handsome face to go with all the warmth and sincerity that comes through in all your posts. That poor girl doesn't know what she missed!

*hugs*

 

[wisebeardman]

never had this issue.

as for the way I work, if I think you need to know some information then I will tell you, if I don't say anything then its above your pay grade.

 

[seoulsearch]

never had this issue.

as for the way I work, if I think you need to know some information then I will tell you, if I don't say anything then its above your pay grade.

*Wonders what it takes to make a rating on Wisebeardman's Pay Grade Scale...*

*Is thinking of asking for a raise.*

 

[wisebeardman]

*Wonders what it takes to make a rating on Wisebeardman's Pay Grade Scale...*

*Is thinking of asking for a raise.*

in order for a raise in pay grade, a raise in security clearance is required. must fill out forms 33R,827J,312A,1923A,B,C,J,K,P, and form 209C. after forms are filled out in 24 months the NSA will contact you for an interview, if accepted then you will need a interview with the CIA,DOD,FBI,TSA

 

[PoetMary]

What do the rest of you what you think? If you don't want to date someone who wants to date you, do you owe them an explanation? Does it depend on how well or how long you've known them? How do you personally handle the situation?

How do you personally handle rejection? Do you expect someone to give you a clear reason if they aren't interested in you? Does it somehow help you get over the pain of the person rejecting you?

And if no reasons or explanations should be expected either way, what should you tell the other person?

I used to ask for an explanation when I was younger. I think I was under the impression that I'd gain some kind of insight. The truth is, in the beginning stages of a romance, most people don't know the other person well enough to offer any kind of significant insight.

Besides, most of the time the rejection we experience isn't really personal. Particularly if it's the "beginning stages." People tend to underrate the idea that sometimes two people just aren't a "good fit," which is completely impersonal. Both people could be perfectly attractive, and likeable, and interesting, but just a poor match for each other.

Most people *want* others to be straightforward and give a clear reason, but they find it very challenging to do the same. Part of it is because the whole "explanation" idea can be a rabbit-hole that manifests into a conversation where the person is angry (if male) and crying (if female) and needing to be propped up emotionally. I think people mostly DON'T want an explanation. I think they want some kind of affirmation or vindication.

There's a simple assertiveness training technique called "broken record." When people are insisting on information (read here: manipulating), you simply make a statement and stick with it. (Caution: Your statement needs to be a clearly CLOSED DOOR. It's meanness to give an ambiguous statement just to keep a person hanging on). I've never had to say it more than three times myself. It looks something like this:

Him--"But why don't you want to go out with me???"
Me--"It just seems to me like we're not a good match."
Him--"Not a good match?? What does that even mean?"
Me--You know, I appreciate your interest, but we're just not a good fit.
Him--Honestly, you can tell me why. I just want to know the truth.
Me--To me we're just not a good match.

The fact that you've picked a story and you're sticking to it will possibly frustrate them, but (if they insist on digging) it will also wear them out. Of course, it all needs to be said with sincerity and kindness.

 

[Shouryu]

Question: What SHOULD a woman say when she is seeing a man and can tell that he is becoming very attached while she herself is still making up her mind about him?

*folds arms, looks at Angie suspiciously*

Whyyyyy do you need to know?

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

*folds arms, looks at Angie suspiciously*

Whyyyyy do you need to know?

*hugs Shour*

*grins*

*darts away*

 

[Kaycie]

I thought that the fact that you're not interested IS the explanation.

 

[egeiro]

I thought that the fact that you're not interested IS the explanation.

Wow. That is a valid point.

 

[Cee]

In response to...

Question: What SHOULD a woman say when she is seeing a man and can tell that he is becoming very attached while she herself is still making up her mind about him?

Personally, I think telling them you feel they are moving a little too fast is good feedback. Number one you're telling them how you feel... this is always good in a relationship... and number two you're giving them an opportunity to respond to your feedback this will tell you a lot about their communication style... at this point, they can agree and allow you to have your boundaries this is a good thing to find out I think... or they can go down the other route which is comprised of fear, manipulation, control, and/or distance... this shows itself in passivity, aggressiveness, or what i call mind ninjaing "passive aggressiveness". None of these are good.

Just to explain the point of my original post, I see quite often that people throw out relationships without giving feedback, I believe there is a variety of reasons for this, just a few are: society pressure (you gotta fit in and so do your potentials), feeling unsafe being vulnerable, and poor communication skills which cause major issues when it comes time for marriage, we see this in power plays down the road...

I believe the world today diminishes the value of relationship history... I know I've experienced it in my own life... As soon as something goes wrong we've been taught to bail... but obviously this doesn't foster a permanence in our relationships that is critical for marriage preparation.

That's why I think feedback is so important. Especially in being transparent with our emotions/feeling because this plays out for the rest of our life in a number of different ways. And it even reaches into how we raise our kids because if we don't understand our own boundaries, we may not respect our kids' boundaries, and then the generational pattern (iniquity) is continued on.

God didn't give us a spirit of fear. So love should always guide our decision making processes.

That being said I have run into circumstances where even giving feedback, laying down boundaries, still resulted in the other person getting hurt. So, I understand that this is difficult. But, valuing relationships has brought a quality to my life that quickly diminishing relationships "because of a few potholes" didn't allow me to enjoy.

Obviously relationships/community is an important topic to me

C.

 

[Lynx]

If someone is breaking up with me I think I would ask why. Mostly to see if it is something I can fix before I ask another girl out. I THINK I would because I've never had it happen to me before.

If I'm breaking up with someone, whether I tell her why depends a lot on what I know of her. Is "Why?" the prelude to an argument or is it a request for a logical reason for breaking up? I like to think I would choose to go out with a lady who would ask why because she really wants to know, not because she wants to argue about it. (Of course if I picked that kind of lady to go out with, I can't imagine any reason I WOULD break up with her.)