Very Fat
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Wait... I thought this was supposed to be hypothetical...
But I'm wondering: Would our answers change if we were talking marriage instead of dating? Is there a difference between a quantifiable goal to achieve and requiring progress in a certain direction? Is there a difference between having someone state something outright vs having someone kind of peer pressure you into making positive changes?
Because like many others, a guy who just flat out told me that he would only date me if I could lose x pounds... is someone who has just made me feel that I'm not good enough and I don't want to be with someone like that. But I could also imagine a guy who would take a chance on chubby me and be supportive by saying things like... "Salad sounds so good for dinner" "This weekend let's go hiking and do an x mile hike" (or maybe even camping trip since I have my own nice 1 person tent) and so get me out and more active and making healthier choices without making me feel less in the process. And I could also imagine a deep and heartrending conversation with someone that went something like " I care about you a lot, but when I look at you I see so many future health problems and I just don't think I'm strong enough to stand by helplessly and watch you go through that"
Money is about the same way in my opinion. You have to have $x before I'll date you is rather devaluing. You have to make progress towards getting out of debt and not accumulating more debt over the course of our relationship or it won't work out, well that's a pretty reasonable standard. But again if you're in that relationship you're teaching your significant other all the tricks and habits you've learned to accomplish that. Not standing on the sidelines to see if they meet your requirements.
And in either case (or any other)... don't tempt that significant other to indulge in what will sabotage them. If you want your SO to lose weight, don't be regularly going out for desserts or other unhealthy foods on your dates. If you want your SO to start managing money better, find date ideas that are cheap or free and don't whine about the things you can't afford to do.
But I'm wondering: Would our answers change if we were talking marriage instead of dating? Is there a difference between a quantifiable goal to achieve and requiring progress in a certain direction? Is there a difference between having someone state something outright vs having someone kind of peer pressure you into making positive changes?
Because like many others, a guy who just flat out told me that he would only date me if I could lose x pounds... is someone who has just made me feel that I'm not good enough and I don't want to be with someone like that. But I could also imagine a guy who would take a chance on chubby me and be supportive by saying things like... "Salad sounds so good for dinner" "This weekend let's go hiking and do an x mile hike" (or maybe even camping trip since I have my own nice 1 person tent) and so get me out and more active and making healthier choices without making me feel less in the process. And I could also imagine a deep and heartrending conversation with someone that went something like " I care about you a lot, but when I look at you I see so many future health problems and I just don't think I'm strong enough to stand by helplessly and watch you go through that"
Money is about the same way in my opinion. You have to have $x before I'll date you is rather devaluing. You have to make progress towards getting out of debt and not accumulating more debt over the course of our relationship or it won't work out, well that's a pretty reasonable standard. But again if you're in that relationship you're teaching your significant other all the tricks and habits you've learned to accomplish that. Not standing on the sidelines to see if they meet your requirements.
And in either case (or any other)... don't tempt that significant other to indulge in what will sabotage them. If you want your SO to lose weight, don't be regularly going out for desserts or other unhealthy foods on your dates. If you want your SO to start managing money better, find date ideas that are cheap or free and don't whine about the things you can't afford to do.
Heck to the no. Times 1000.
My ex was like that, only not so nice about it. Without going into too many depressing details, he was basically waiting on a "future version" of me and I can't tell you just how much damage that does and how hurtful that is to a relationship.
If your eating is a symptom of something else, then yeah, I could see a loving way being like, "Hey, I see you're hurting/angry/upset/anxious and you're eating because of it. Do you want to talk/think we can find a better outlet for you?" But "Hey, you're overweight and you need to lose weight because 'health'" then no, get out. Granted, bad food tastes good and is easy to overdo, but I can tell you that most overeating has some other root, and addressing that is more important.
If I want to eat better and lose weight for myself, then I will. If I want to eat a cheeseburger because it sounds good, then I will. And I won't feel terrified eating it because heaven forbid that number on the scale is what the relationship is hinged on.
My ex was like that, only not so nice about it. Without going into too many depressing details, he was basically waiting on a "future version" of me and I can't tell you just how much damage that does and how hurtful that is to a relationship.
If your eating is a symptom of something else, then yeah, I could see a loving way being like, "Hey, I see you're hurting/angry/upset/anxious and you're eating because of it. Do you want to talk/think we can find a better outlet for you?" But "Hey, you're overweight and you need to lose weight because 'health'" then no, get out. Granted, bad food tastes good and is easy to overdo, but I can tell you that most overeating has some other root, and addressing that is more important.
If I want to eat better and lose weight for myself, then I will. If I want to eat a cheeseburger because it sounds good, then I will. And I won't feel terrified eating it because heaven forbid that number on the scale is what the relationship is hinged on.
When I was a teenager, I was the opposite of being overweight, I was super skinny and no matter what I tried, I could not gain weight.
Here's the thing; As a way of trying to cope with it, I would say that people should accept me the way I am, that they were cruel to judge, that they had no right to judge me by my weight. I tried to accept myself the way I am while not, but really I was kidding myself. I tried accepting that people make a joke of it, and go along with it, be a clown. Did this solve the problem? No.
So what did work? Well, the main thing was, I was determined to gain weight, somehow. I tried everything like calorie counting. Didn't work. Eating more fatty stuff. Didn't work. In fact everything that should have worked scientifically, didn't work. Going to the gym and eating more. Didn't work.
Being very creative as a thinker, I thought I would try to go within to try and solve the problem. I had been looking at the effects of fear and love, and the differences. So, I tried an experiment (I love trying experiments!)
a) Did I fear 'getting skinnier'? Yes. This would lead to a fear of not eating because I might lose weight.
b) Did I fear what others thought of me? Yes. So I feared not doing anything about it.
c) Did I fear rejection because of it? Yes. But this turned into a fear/avoidance of judgemental people.
So in my experiment, I tried this:
a) I am no longer going to fear getting skinnier, I am going to let go of that and if I lose weight I lose weight.
b) I love myself the way I am, because if I do that, I am going to become 'more' of what I love about myself.
Results:
I gained more weight in one month, than I did in 3 years, which was a miracle really. All I did was change how I think! And I have consistently been a more natural weight since then.
I think if we have a problem with ourselves, that is the problem. We come to fear ourselves. And out of that fear, and the power of fear, we become more of what we fear.
So let go of the fear. Don't blame anyone for judging you, when you already judge yourself. Love yourself the way you are. Do what you want, if it's eating this or that, do it! Why force yourself to do this or do that, to diet, only for that to go out the window when you stop the diet?
You see, when you love yourself the way you are, and you start to see what you love about yourself more, you start to change your habits. Yes you see that food that you thought was so delicious, but you just don't feel like eating it. Yes, you see that food you would never touch, but you want to eat it.
When fear is out the door, there is more room for faith, and if we just have faith in God, then he is the one saying, do this, or don't do that, and it 'feels natural' not forced. He can show us our most natural self, the way we were born to be. For me, it is being a natural weight, not skinny not fat. But maybe for some, it is being skinny or it is being fat, although I have always found that hard to believe. We all have a different view of what is natural. But overall, generally, there are a lot of reasons why being underweight or overweight are not natural/healthy.
Does God intend for us to be healthy? Well getting over the problems with our body, is the place where we become more able to express God. The body is a temple, and we are supposed to treat it with respect. Because if you lock yourself away because of a problem with it, in any way, even hidden from view while masquerading that you do not have a problem, (although God sees all) how can God use you as an instrument, as much as is possible if these initial blocks are gone?
God wants to use you as an instrument in your own world, to fix the problems you might have with yourself, or your mind. But he wants that, so that you can be an instrument in far greater works of faith.
Here's the thing; As a way of trying to cope with it, I would say that people should accept me the way I am, that they were cruel to judge, that they had no right to judge me by my weight. I tried to accept myself the way I am while not, but really I was kidding myself. I tried accepting that people make a joke of it, and go along with it, be a clown. Did this solve the problem? No.
So what did work? Well, the main thing was, I was determined to gain weight, somehow. I tried everything like calorie counting. Didn't work. Eating more fatty stuff. Didn't work. In fact everything that should have worked scientifically, didn't work. Going to the gym and eating more. Didn't work.
Being very creative as a thinker, I thought I would try to go within to try and solve the problem. I had been looking at the effects of fear and love, and the differences. So, I tried an experiment (I love trying experiments!)
a) Did I fear 'getting skinnier'? Yes. This would lead to a fear of not eating because I might lose weight.
b) Did I fear what others thought of me? Yes. So I feared not doing anything about it.
c) Did I fear rejection because of it? Yes. But this turned into a fear/avoidance of judgemental people.
So in my experiment, I tried this:
a) I am no longer going to fear getting skinnier, I am going to let go of that and if I lose weight I lose weight.
b) I love myself the way I am, because if I do that, I am going to become 'more' of what I love about myself.
Results:
I gained more weight in one month, than I did in 3 years, which was a miracle really. All I did was change how I think! And I have consistently been a more natural weight since then.
I think if we have a problem with ourselves, that is the problem. We come to fear ourselves. And out of that fear, and the power of fear, we become more of what we fear.
So let go of the fear. Don't blame anyone for judging you, when you already judge yourself. Love yourself the way you are. Do what you want, if it's eating this or that, do it! Why force yourself to do this or do that, to diet, only for that to go out the window when you stop the diet?
You see, when you love yourself the way you are, and you start to see what you love about yourself more, you start to change your habits. Yes you see that food that you thought was so delicious, but you just don't feel like eating it. Yes, you see that food you would never touch, but you want to eat it.
When fear is out the door, there is more room for faith, and if we just have faith in God, then he is the one saying, do this, or don't do that, and it 'feels natural' not forced. He can show us our most natural self, the way we were born to be. For me, it is being a natural weight, not skinny not fat. But maybe for some, it is being skinny or it is being fat, although I have always found that hard to believe. We all have a different view of what is natural. But overall, generally, there are a lot of reasons why being underweight or overweight are not natural/healthy.
Does God intend for us to be healthy? Well getting over the problems with our body, is the place where we become more able to express God. The body is a temple, and we are supposed to treat it with respect. Because if you lock yourself away because of a problem with it, in any way, even hidden from view while masquerading that you do not have a problem, (although God sees all) how can God use you as an instrument, as much as is possible if these initial blocks are gone?
God wants to use you as an instrument in your own world, to fix the problems you might have with yourself, or your mind. But he wants that, so that you can be an instrument in far greater works of faith.
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As i thought more on the subject I'm adding more.
If someone were to say that to me I'd send that loser packing. The huge personal character flaws evident in a person that would even think that's ok are such giant red flags you could use them to flag the shuttle in from space.
What if they were too skinny, would you tell them to gain weight? Would that be acceptable?
What if someone felt you were the wrong weight? Hair color? Eye color? Needed a tan? At what point does one who thinks it's ok to even consider such a thing realize they've crossed a line? And would they be ok with getting just as much in return?
Most that would say such a thing will say yes in a hypothetical, but in reality the ego required to think it's ok to ask such a thing would prohibit them.
An overweight person would be better off alone.
If someone were to say that to me I'd send that loser packing. The huge personal character flaws evident in a person that would even think that's ok are such giant red flags you could use them to flag the shuttle in from space.
What if they were too skinny, would you tell them to gain weight? Would that be acceptable?
What if someone felt you were the wrong weight? Hair color? Eye color? Needed a tan? At what point does one who thinks it's ok to even consider such a thing realize they've crossed a line? And would they be ok with getting just as much in return?
Most that would say such a thing will say yes in a hypothetical, but in reality the ego required to think it's ok to ask such a thing would prohibit them.
An overweight person would be better off alone.
People can change, Christians especially. I have learned though that generally if you have dated someone for at least a year and a half to 2 years or longer, what you see is what you get.
After dating someone that period of time you have a long view and should realize what you are getting.
Don't marry a person who is not a Christian expecting them to become one. They might, but more often then not probably won't.
Same goes x2 with diet. I am of the opinion that it is easier to change a persons religion then their diet.
If you like a overweight person then know that statistically they may remain overweight and just accept them as they are.
If they ask for your help, prayer is the most important component of any aid. In fact you should be praying for that persons health/weight issue anyway, regardless of what they may have verbally expressed.
After dating someone that period of time you have a long view and should realize what you are getting.
Don't marry a person who is not a Christian expecting them to become one. They might, but more often then not probably won't.
Same goes x2 with diet. I am of the opinion that it is easier to change a persons religion then their diet.
If you like a overweight person then know that statistically they may remain overweight and just accept them as they are.
If they ask for your help, prayer is the most important component of any aid. In fact you should be praying for that persons health/weight issue anyway, regardless of what they may have verbally expressed.
Being overweight also can be due to other factors as well, especially if people are taking medications, as I do know some medications can really slow down the metabolism.
Myself as a example, over the past 10+ years, was a real big change for me health wise, lack of energy, chronic fatigue and I have struggled with depression for many years. Just to be clear, I refuse to take antidepressants now, as they are not the answer. Used to take them but never again. Side effects not worth it.
I myself am somewhat overweight, but more so I have more bodyfat in my belly area. It has only been recently that I have been able to make a connection. Being one of those guys that has been diagnosed as fibromyalgia, I also discovered that men with fibro apparently have low rates of testosterone. I had a look at my last set of blood test results recently, and compared them to the ones of years ago. Not knowing the table ranges used of ages, when I looked at my results, I notice that my testosterone production is a little above the bare minimum (and many years ago, the time when the test was done, was below the minimum)
This is an area out of my league, but there is no way I can accept that a man in their early 40s that is barely producing enough testosterone is considered normal. As to why I am not producing enough, I don't know.
Myself as a example, over the past 10+ years, was a real big change for me health wise, lack of energy, chronic fatigue and I have struggled with depression for many years. Just to be clear, I refuse to take antidepressants now, as they are not the answer. Used to take them but never again. Side effects not worth it.
I myself am somewhat overweight, but more so I have more bodyfat in my belly area. It has only been recently that I have been able to make a connection. Being one of those guys that has been diagnosed as fibromyalgia, I also discovered that men with fibro apparently have low rates of testosterone. I had a look at my last set of blood test results recently, and compared them to the ones of years ago. Not knowing the table ranges used of ages, when I looked at my results, I notice that my testosterone production is a little above the bare minimum (and many years ago, the time when the test was done, was below the minimum)
This is an area out of my league, but there is no way I can accept that a man in their early 40s that is barely producing enough testosterone is considered normal. As to why I am not producing enough, I don't know.
What you see is what you get... Giving someone an ultimatum, "lose the weight or lose me", usually won't work. If someone is fat prior to meeting you, don't anticipate a big change, just expect big. I knew a girl who told her overweight boyfriend that she'd only marry him if he lost a ton of weight. He lost the weight, they married, and then he ballooned-up bigger than he was before. Quit smoking and I'll marry you, quit drinking and I'll marry you, get a job and I'll marry you, promises promises. People who demand all this stuff take all the fun out of life. My advise; If your fat, find another fat person. You'll both have something in common, you can both enjoy eating without enduring the annoying stress brought-on by a demanding partner.
I think helping the person to get that weight goal is awesome. I think making it a condition, making that the condition of the relationship, is wrong. Maybe the person is thinking it will motivate the person that wants to date them, but that is definitely NOT the way to do it. This ain't no soap opera this is real life.