Would You Date A Friend or Relative's Ex, and if So, How Long After Their Breakup?

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seoulsearch

Senior Member
May 23, 2009
10,912
621
113
#1
Hey Everyone,

If it's one thing I've learned over my time of being single, it's that very few couples stay together forever--which is all the more reason I admire the ones who do, because it is surely a superhuman feat that is solely enabled by God.

However, for the rest of us mere mortals, it seems much more common (unfortunately) that most couples don't stay together, putting both people who were once involved "back on the market."

* So what if someone that's become "available" again is someone that you think you really like... but the person they used to date was a good friend or relative of yours?

* Would you still pursue/date them anyways?

* How long would you wait until after their breakup in order to start something? A month? 6 months? A year or more?

And, to make this conversation a little more controversial--something I've noticed as I get older is that a lot of people seem to be becoming available later in life either through the death of their spouse, or by divorce. (I realize that this is a scenario that will probably only resonate with some of the older posters out there.)

* How would you feel about dating someone whose spouse had passed away, and their spouse had been a good friend or family member of yours?

* How would you feel about dating a divorced person (someone with a Biblical reason for divorce and was cleared by the church to remarry) if their ex-spouse was a friend or close family member to you?

* In either case, how long would you wait after the death or divorce in order to start dating?

The reason I'm asking about this is because as I've gotten older... I've noticed that the dating pool seems to get a bit smaller and "intermingled"--especially in smaller communities--and it seems as if many people do seem to wind up with someone who is an ex of someone they are, or were, once close to.

I personally don't think I could date someone in any of these scenarios, but, I don't want to judge anyone's choices because you never know what could happen in life.

What are your thoughts?
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
63,511
2,213
113
#2
My parents have been married since 1955, and the only reason they're still married is because they don't believe in divorce.. lol
 

MichaelOwen

Senior Member
Nov 6, 2017
833
143
43
#3
Personally for me, I've always felt that if you truly had a liking towards someone that truly enlightened your heart, you tell them straight away. I wouldn't go right up to them after losing a loved one or right after a divorce or break up, because the heart needs time to heal. But the old saying goes, You snooze, you loose. And for me, in my heart, I'd have to get it off my chest, otherwise it pesters at me and it's never good to let something like that build up.
Even if it was a good friend or a family member, there's a reason that relationship did not work out in the sight of the Lord, maybe he did not sanctify it, but that doesn't mean you cannot test the waters and see if he will sanctify a relationship you may have with that person. But for me, I'd have to let that person know that I care and pray for them first and foremost, and that Christ directs my life, regardless of where things may lead, and if he blessed me with a relationship or marriage, I would do my part as a Christian man in front of her.
 

Tommy379

Senior Member
Jan 12, 2016
7,015
732
113
#4
I don't think I could get involved with any exes of family or friends. I don't want to violate the bro-code either. I live in a relatively small community, and it's very bad around here. The jealousy level is maxed out.

Widows..... that's a different ball of wax. When my grandmother died, my grandfather started spending time with her best friend. That's fine. I'm sure grandma would have been down with it.
 

seoulsearch

Senior Member
May 23, 2009
10,912
621
113
#5
I don't think I could get involved with any exes of family or friends. I don't want to violate the bro-code either. I live in a relatively small community, and it's very bad around here. The jealousy level is maxed out.

Widows..... that's a different ball of wax. When my grandmother died, my grandfather started spending time with her best friend. That's fine. I'm sure grandma would have been down with it.
I have to say that I feel the same way. Two of my closest female friends are married and their spouses are like brothers to me. Even if, heaven forbid, the Lord decided to call one of my friends home, it would just be way. too. creepy. to me.

I totally understand what you're saying though. Part of my inspiration for the threads I put up today has been watching my older family members honor their "'til death do us part" commitments in their marriages, then struggle with the loneliness that results in losing their spouse.

They later found companionship with other people, sometimes the exes of a friend or family member, though one was with someone for some time who was also verbally abusive.

I guess I was sad to see that no matter what stage of the game you're, and no many times you have to start over, you still have to be very careful, and willing to walk away if things aren't right.

The more optimistic part of myself wanted to believe that because these people were older and had a lot of life experience, they would have either learned from their mistakes and chosen better situations and to better themselves, or they would have been able to walk away from bad situations a lot sooner.
 

Lynx

Senior Member
Aug 13, 2014
13,050
725
113
#6
Oh, so, so many factors to consider, so many questions that can't really be answered until you get there...

Will it hurt your friend's feelings if you date his ex?
Will you care more about your friend's feelings or dating his ex?
Will it hurt his ex if you want to date her but don't because of your friend?
Will you discuss either ex with the other?
Will you discuss with the ex how to date her without hurting your friend?
If you did talk about how to date the ex relative to your friendship, would that make the situation better or worse?

Sorry Kim, this one can never be answered until it happens, IF it happens. Even if it has happened before to the same person, each situation is always different.
 

Lynx

Senior Member
Aug 13, 2014
13,050
725
113
#7
Mind you, I'm not saying the question should not be asked. Sometimes it is better to consider these matters before you get there. You can't get to an answer until you get to the situation, but at least you can nail down what variables you are considering. This thread has a net balance of being a good thing. Discussing this question is a lot better than being hit with the situation and just randomly guessing at what is best to do off-the-cuff.
 

NewStuff17

Senior Member
Dec 30, 2017
137
5
0
#8
There's got to be a serious attraction to make me do that. I almost certainly would not date any family member or friend's ex whether they were married or just dating.

If I did do it, I would try to give them as much time as it seems they needed. At some point I'd make my attraction known though. I'd more inclined to date them if the ex had died. A living ex would make me uncomfortable. But then again, if that guy seemed to be the one for me sent by God, then we just have to move away and live happily ever after.

Having said that, I know of a situation like this. A man married a woman whom he didn't love. When he met her sister, he knew he had made a mistake. He only stayed married to his wife to be close to the sister. The sister didn't seem to notice. She just thought he was very kind. Although he was still still married, he died early and lonely. The sister is dying and lonely too.
 
Aug 2, 2009
20,934
993
113
#9
When I was in my 20's I once was interested in a friend's ex and I asked him if she's seeing anyone (he was the one who broke it off with her because he said she was getting too "serious" for him, I think she was hoping they'd get married)... Anyway, he was not only happy to give me her number but he said he would even put in a good word for me... :rolleyes:

But I was too shy to actually call and ask her out.. :p

I don't think I could do that sort of thing now. Back when I was young it wasn't that big of a deal because everyone was still dating I guess..
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
23,639
2,103
113
63
Florida
#10
There's got to be a serious attraction to make me do that. I almost certainly would not date any family member or friend's ex whether they were married or just dating.

If I did do it, I would try to give them as much time as it seems they needed. At some point I'd make my attraction known though. I'd more inclined to date them if the ex had died. A living ex would make me uncomfortable. But then again, if that guy seemed to be the one for me sent by God, then we just have to move away and live happily ever after.

Having said that, I know of a situation like this. A man married a woman whom he didn't love. When he met her sister, he knew he had made a mistake. He only stayed married to his wife to be close to the sister. The sister didn't seem to notice. She just thought he was very kind. Although he was still still married, he died early and lonely. The sister is dying and lonely too.
Sounds like Romeo and Juliette which was another tragic romance.
 

Lynx

Senior Member
Aug 13, 2014
13,050
725
113
#11
When I was in my 20's I once was interested in a friend's ex and I asked him if she's seeing anyone (he was the one who broke it off with her because he said she was getting too "serious" for him, I think she was hoping they'd get married)... Anyway, he was not only happy to give me her number but he said he would even put in a good word for me... :rolleyes:

But I was too shy to actually call and ask her out.. :p

I don't think I could do that sort of thing now. Back when I was young it wasn't that big of a deal because everyone was still dating I guess..
You never know, you might have dodged a bullet there. I can imagine somebody doing that for a "friend" and chuckling to himself, "Let's see how HE manages that hateful old bat!" ("Old bat" substituted for things that would be less appropriate in a christian forum, but more likely to be used.)
 

Lighthearted

Senior Member
Oct 17, 2016
1,041
101
63
#12
Depends on the situation, the people involved, and most importantly God's answer.
 

Dino246

Senior Member
Jun 30, 2015
5,753
1,041
113
#13
I have a good friend, an older man who is married for the second time. They knew each other when they were married to other people, both of whom passed away. After about a year they started talking, and realized that they were highly compatible. Now unless you knew the details, you'd never guess they hadn't been married since the beginning.

I think it's a different situation when there was a divorce, than when there was a death. I simply would not date a friend's ex-wife. In one case I can think of, I know what kind of person she is... or should I say what unkind of person.

I have a pretty good idea what my ex says to others about me, so I suspect none of her friends would date me. I don't know any of her friends who aren't married so it's never been an issue.
 

Susanna

Senior Member
Jan 21, 2013
2,591
74
48
#14
Hey Everyone,

If it's one thing I've learned over my time of being single, it's that very few couples stay together forever--which is all the more reason I admire the ones who do, because it is surely a superhuman feat that is solely enabled by God.

However, for the rest of us mere mortals, it seems much more common (unfortunately) that most couples don't stay together, putting both people who were once involved "back on the market."

* So what if someone that's become "available" again is someone that you think you really like... but the person they used to date was a good friend or relative of yours?

* Would you still pursue/date them anyways?

* How long would you wait until after their breakup in order to start something? A month? 6 months? A year or more?

And, to make this conversation a little more controversial--something I've noticed as I get older is that a lot of people seem to be becoming available later in life either through the death of their spouse, or by divorce. (I realize that this is a scenario that will probably only resonate with some of the older posters out there.)

* How would you feel about dating someone whose spouse had passed away, and their spouse had been a good friend or family member of yours?

* How would you feel about dating a divorced person (someone with a Biblical reason for divorce and was cleared by the church to remarry) if their ex-spouse was a friend or close family member to you?

* In either case, how long would you wait after the death or divorce in order to start dating?

The reason I'm asking about this is because as I've gotten older... I've noticed that the dating pool seems to get a bit smaller and "intermingled"--especially in smaller communities--and it seems as if many people do seem to wind up with someone who is an ex of someone they are, or were, once close to.

I personally don't think I could date someone in any of these scenarios, but, I don't want to judge anyone's choices because you never know what could happen in life.

What are your thoughts?
I wouldn't date anyone.

After all these years I'm so used to being alone and do as I please.
 

melita916

Senior Member
Aug 12, 2011
9,091
619
113
#15
"mark" and "Samantha" were engaged. due to drama, they broke off the engagement. shortly after, Samantha started hanging out a lot with jack. and yes, we all went to the same church.

one day, jack texted me asking if was available to talk. sure! turned out, jack and Samantha were trying to have a relationship, but Edward, our other friend, told jack he shouldn't because of the recent engagement. I told him, "I don't think it's a good idea considering mark is our friend." Jack replied, "I spoke with Mark. he said he's ok with it." meeeeeeeeeeeh.

I think the relationship lasted about a month after that conversation. cuz. drama.

lol
 

seoulsearch

Senior Member
May 23, 2009
10,912
621
113
#16
"mark" and "Samantha" were engaged. due to drama, they broke off the engagement. shortly after, Samantha started hanging out a lot with jack. and yes, we all went to the same church.

one day, jack texted me asking if was available to talk. sure! turned out, jack and Samantha were trying to have a relationship, but Edward, our other friend, told jack he shouldn't because of the recent engagement. I told him, "I don't think it's a good idea considering mark is our friend." Jack replied, "I spoke with Mark. he said he's ok with it." meeeeeeeeeeeh.

I think the relationship lasted about a month after that conversation. cuz. drama.

lol
I have learned over time (and a lot of trial and error... mostly error) that almost anytime someone says, "I'm ok with it," regarding a highly emotional situation...

They're really not ok with it.

At all.
 

Tommy379

Senior Member
Jan 12, 2016
7,015
732
113
#17
"mark" and "Samantha" were engaged. due to drama, they broke off the engagement. shortly after, Samantha started hanging out a lot with jack. and yes, we all went to the same church.

one day, jack texted me asking if was available to talk. sure! turned out, jack and Samantha were trying to have a relationship, but Edward, our other friend, told jack he shouldn't because of the recent engagement. I told him, "I don't think it's a good idea considering mark is our friend." Jack replied, "I spoke with Mark. he said he's ok with it." meeeeeeeeeeeh.

I think the relationship lasted about a month after that conversation. cuz. drama.

lol
So we should stay away from Samantha.
 

garet82

Senior Member
Jan 20, 2011
678
80
28
#18
never lol thats the bad idea n never come to my mind :)
 

Waggles

Senior Member
Sep 21, 2017
2,028
384
83
South Australia
adelaiderevival.com
#19
Hey Everyone,
* So what if someone that's become "available" again is someone that you think you really like... but the person they used to date was a good friend or relative of yours?
* Would you still pursue/date them anyways? What are your thoughts?
You are swimming in shark filled waters.
Are you looking for trouble?

Always pray for the Lord to provide you with a suitable spouse.
Never do things in your own strength.

from a wise old man