Playing the Victim Card
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What I usually do with the chronic victim type......
I try to point out the blessings in her grief......show her different ways of looking at the situation....
Being a victim is a way of thinking that needs to be redirected to be able to stop
needing to be the victim.....another one of the devils many ...in his bag of tricks.....
And of course pray before you speak.....
Just what I do.....
I try to point out the blessings in her grief......show her different ways of looking at the situation....
Being a victim is a way of thinking that needs to be redirected to be able to stop
needing to be the victim.....another one of the devils many ...in his bag of tricks.....
And of course pray before you speak.....
Just what I do.....
S
It's all about the "setup" when you are expressing yourself, i.e.: being assertive with how you feel about your relationship or interactions with someone.
It can go something like this: My intention is not to be mean or to hurt your feelings but there is really something I need to tell you. When you say or do "a" it sort of hits me in a "b" kind of way. Is there any way that you could do "a" differently with me? I really like you and enjoy our friendship but when you do "a" I feel disconnected from you and I don't like feeling that way cuz I like you......
Of course you have to make it your own but the idea is to make an appeal for the goodness that lies in another persons heart and to maintain connectedness on a heart level.
It can go something like this: My intention is not to be mean or to hurt your feelings but there is really something I need to tell you. When you say or do "a" it sort of hits me in a "b" kind of way. Is there any way that you could do "a" differently with me? I really like you and enjoy our friendship but when you do "a" I feel disconnected from you and I don't like feeling that way cuz I like you......
Of course you have to make it your own but the idea is to make an appeal for the goodness that lies in another persons heart and to maintain connectedness on a heart level.
Thank you for the advice brother, and that does sound like a good way to approach it, but it's my brother I'm talking about, and my dad and I have tried a few different ways and being strait up rational and confronting the actual problems head on didn't work, but he can only see it from his delusional perspective. I'm not scared to approach it any way, but I know him and he will just deflect all accusations or blame never admitting he has ever done anything to bring on his own hardships. It's really crazy and scary for me because I had a cousin the same way and she's not here anymore because of a freak accident, and she lived the last years of her life in completely self inflicted misery hating everything around her, and not even able to enjoy or see the gift of her own son, who is now motherless, the whole 3 years he did have her. I see them both in the same light, yet he see's himself as the only righteous victim walking this earth. It's a shell I haven't figured out how to penetrate yet, but I do appreciate the advice.
S
Ya man...that sounds like a really hard thing to navigate. It really all comes down to you being aware of your own personal core beliefs and boundaries and then processing the feelings that rise up inside of you when they are violated. It really is honoring to God when you are kind to yourself.... because in processing your pain with your heavenly father you are fostering relationship with Him. He loves that kind of deep relationship.....don't you think?
I also have a brother who has pretty much shunned the whole family because he has become addicted to the victim card. No matter what one does for the boy, he'll find some way to make it out as you hate him, you did it to spite him, etc. Nothing really we can do.
He's got a few other problems - married to a woman, but her first husband is living with them (how does THAT work?) and the woman he's married to has got him on a short emotional leash. The victimhood stuff is just a facet of the problem. But it does make an effective shield against dealing with the rest of the problem.
He's got a few other problems - married to a woman, but her first husband is living with them (how does THAT work?) and the woman he's married to has got him on a short emotional leash. The victimhood stuff is just a facet of the problem. But it does make an effective shield against dealing with the rest of the problem.
I added someone I knew in high school as a friend on facebook. Half his posts consisted of him complaining about how girls don't like nice guys such as himself and how nobody is attracted to him. Occasionally he would get girls messaging him, "It's okay, you'll find a girl."
Eventually I just wrote him a long message explaining how girls overlook guys who are insecure. It's not about being a nice guy or a bad boy, it's about having confidence (or appearing to have confidence). I told him he needed to stop complaining because that's one of the things that made him less desired by women.
Someone liked my response and said, "This is ****'s grandfather, and I hope **** takes what you say to heart." The next day, I noticed I was unfriended and blocked. Oh well, some people thrive on playing the victim.
Eventually I just wrote him a long message explaining how girls overlook guys who are insecure. It's not about being a nice guy or a bad boy, it's about having confidence (or appearing to have confidence). I told him he needed to stop complaining because that's one of the things that made him less desired by women.
Someone liked my response and said, "This is ****'s grandfather, and I hope **** takes what you say to heart." The next day, I noticed I was unfriended and blocked. Oh well, some people thrive on playing the victim.
K
My mom is like that, she always plays the victim even when she's the perpetrator. I've been accused of playing the victim, but that's because I was a victim many times, you would not believe the life I've had. Well there's just no other way to tell my history or to explain the domino effect that brought me to where I am today without stating how I was a victim. It is not that I want to play the victim, or hold grudges, it's just that my history is what it is. To make up another scenario where I had the perfect childhood would be a lie, so what is one to do?
If someone asks me, "Who raised you?" and I say, "No one, that us kids fended for ourselves." it's the truth. So they say, "Well who fed you?" and I say, "No one. My sister got up to the stove at four years old and made my brother's bottle, and changed his diaper. We dragged cake mix out of the cupboard and ate it out of the box. I remember weeks at a time that there was no adult in the house and we went to school out of boredom, and stole candy from the store to eat, or ate plants outside. My brother even ate dog food." then either they don't believe me, say I'm being a victim, or that I'm holding grudges. What I don't understand is what other kind of history do they want me to give?
When others seem to play the victim I do a little test to see if they are just playing. I see if they have compassion on others, and if they admit their own faults- cause I learned from my mom that someone who just plays the victim card can't do either of these. Like if she left a needle out, and you didn't know it was there, and pricked your finger, she is the victim because you bled on her tablecloth and now she has to get the stain out. If they pass that test, and seem to exaggerate how much they are a victim, I take that as a cry for help. This person is starved for love and compassion, and I say feed it to them! Lather it on thick. I noticed adults are just like children- children go off and play by themselves, but after a while they get hungry for attention and seek you out. Adults don't go looking for it unless they are empty also. As for the victim players, show them love to, but you will never solve their problem, they purposely linger in that state and will not budge.
If someone asks me, "Who raised you?" and I say, "No one, that us kids fended for ourselves." it's the truth. So they say, "Well who fed you?" and I say, "No one. My sister got up to the stove at four years old and made my brother's bottle, and changed his diaper. We dragged cake mix out of the cupboard and ate it out of the box. I remember weeks at a time that there was no adult in the house and we went to school out of boredom, and stole candy from the store to eat, or ate plants outside. My brother even ate dog food." then either they don't believe me, say I'm being a victim, or that I'm holding grudges. What I don't understand is what other kind of history do they want me to give?
When others seem to play the victim I do a little test to see if they are just playing. I see if they have compassion on others, and if they admit their own faults- cause I learned from my mom that someone who just plays the victim card can't do either of these. Like if she left a needle out, and you didn't know it was there, and pricked your finger, she is the victim because you bled on her tablecloth and now she has to get the stain out. If they pass that test, and seem to exaggerate how much they are a victim, I take that as a cry for help. This person is starved for love and compassion, and I say feed it to them! Lather it on thick. I noticed adults are just like children- children go off and play by themselves, but after a while they get hungry for attention and seek you out. Adults don't go looking for it unless they are empty also. As for the victim players, show them love to, but you will never solve their problem, they purposely linger in that state and will not budge.
M
Kaycie-
What you said about your childhood...you and your siblings were true victims there. I'm sorry that happened to you, it about broke my heart reading that
I do want to say it's amazing how you went from that to who you are now- it sounds like God has done some pretty wonderful things in your life, I'd love to hear your testimony sometime
What you said about your childhood...you and your siblings were true victims there. I'm sorry that happened to you, it about broke my heart reading that
I do want to say it's amazing how you went from that to who you are now- it sounds like God has done some pretty wonderful things in your life, I'd love to hear your testimony sometime
Victims? I don't know about that....... just a bunch of Eeyore's...... people who like to be sad and upset most of the time or are attention starved getting the wrong kind of attention.
Real victims don't stay there very long as once they get beyond the trauma they want to bounce back it may take a little longer but usually the desire to bounce back is there.
Don't feed the victims that want to wallow in their victimhood.....life is too short.
Real victims don't stay there very long as once they get beyond the trauma they want to bounce back it may take a little longer but usually the desire to bounce back is there.
Don't feed the victims that want to wallow in their victimhood.....life is too short.
For some reason this thread reminds me of a Calvin and Hobbes comic...
Calvin and Hobbes Comic Strip, January 21, 1993 on GoComics.com
Calvin and Hobbes Comic Strip, January 21, 1993 on GoComics.com