A big problem with love. I could sure use some advice.

[PennEd]

I feel like none of you are really understanding the situation here. I wish I could explain it better, what she means to me, even as a friend. I was in a deep, dark place for many years, and when she came back into my life, she transformed it. I went from being a man who had no hope, no future, to one who was suddenly full of optimism and hope. The future suddenly seemed so bright. This woman has transformed my life and has brought me blessings that I would have never dreamed possible. She is the most important person in my life, and I will always be happy to have her in my life as a friend, even if nothing more can ever come of it.

All of you seem to want me to walk away from her again, but I refuse to make the same mistake twice. And even if I wanted to, I couldn't do that to her again. It would tear her apart. I am such a big and important part of her life that if she lost me again, I fear of what it might do to her. We both strongly believe that God brought us back together, and that He has big plans in store for us, whatever they may be.

The bottom line is, I would rather deal with the pain of loving her and not having her in that way, then not having her in my life at all. I can't even bear to think of life without her. So she is never going anywhere.

Brother, your'e faith and trust in the Lord is admirable and right. But if you do trust Him, then trust that He led you here, and YOU asked your brothers and sisters advice. WE are removed from the passions and feelings of the situation and wish you the best. NO ONE here thinks it's a good or healthy idea to continue down this path. Were you looking for someone to say "stick with it, God WANTS you to be patient and one day she will be yours"?

Take yourself out of the equation and look at it as if it was a different guy. You would see it's not going to end well and you may get hurt worse than before.

Pray on it and wait on the Lord's answer, not what you hope is His answer.

May God Bless you.

 

[spunkycat08]

Sounds to me like you've made up your mind then. But just for the record, I'm not buying into the boyfriend's knowing every aspect of your feelings for her. I believe he'd have problems with you and/or her if he really did know. Also - another thing to consider is this - as much as you'd like to think you know her thoughts and how she feels about you, your track record hasn't been all that good. Every bit of evidence suggests she feels very differently about you than you do for her.

Everybody here, bar none has advised this is an unhealthy relationship for you in its current state, but if you want to keep this thing going and do things the same way that's caused you such misery and then expect different results, then knock yourself out. The concern of these folks though has been for you.

And sadly this is what I trying to prevent since my husband and I had first hand experience of what unrequited love can do to a relationship as well as the refusal to back off.

There are 3 sides to every story. His side. Her side. And the truth which is somewhere in between.

It is sad that some people have to learn the hard way.

My husband's former female friend had to learn the hard way.

 

[coby]

I feel like none of you are really understanding the situation here. I wish I could explain it better, what she means to me, even as a friend. I was in a deep, dark place for many years, and when she came back into my life, she transformed it. I went from being a man who had no hope, no future, to one who was suddenly full of optimism and hope. The future suddenly seemed so bright. This woman has transformed my life and has brought me blessings that I would have never dreamed possible. She is the most important person in my life, and I will always be happy to have her in my life as a friend, even if nothing more can ever come of it.

All of you seem to want me to walk away from her again, but I refuse to make the same mistake twice. And even if I wanted to, I couldn't do that to her again. It would tear her apart. I am such a big and important part of her life that if she lost me again, I fear of what it might do to her. We both strongly believe that God brought us back together, and that He has big plans in store for us, whatever they may be.

The bottom line is, I would rather deal with the pain of loving her and not having her in that way, then not having her in my life at all. I can't even bear to think of life without her. So she is never going anywhere.

Well, I am so happy that I still see my ex and am friends with him. Nothing wrong with that. I still had strong feelings for him, even asked him to marry me again after we were both divorced twice. Lol he asked me if I was completely out of my mind. He helped me, well God through him. He's my pastor. I just gave the feelings and love I had for him to God and asked Him to turn it into His Love and now I can just love him like anyone else with His Love. His wife is sweet. I get along well with her. But I don't have romantic feelings anymore and I keep my distance. Once when I picked up the kids and he had to say something important about school lol and he wanted to go to her I joked: hey I wanna stay here and talk for hours. That is just something you can't do. You need real good boundaries. He's not my best friend, just someone I get along with. He's her best friend. He helped me get rid of wrong guys who were on drugs and such and he prayed for me that God would send the right man in my life. I also prayed that he would find the right person and I'm glad he did. It's just God's love, not the human kind that wants a relationship or a best friend. You say she brought you happiness. That is wrong. Don't depend on a person. Only God brings happiness, not a person. Have Him as your best friend. If you need a hug ask Him for one. That is the reason my marriage collapsed anyway. I expected it from him to make me happy. It was idolatry.

 

[drulenarendes]

So basically all I'm getting is just a steady stream of "Walk away!" Why does no one seem to understand that I can't walk away from my best friend and all the wonderful things she has done for me? It would be foolish of me to make the same mistake twice. If any of you had a best friend of the opposite gender would you walk away just because you loved them? That's even more senseless to me than my having these feelings in the first place.

And of course I respect their relationship. That's why I don't say anything. Who am I to interfere with the wonderful relationship they have? I'm just trying to do the very best I can every day in regards to my feelings. To be the best friend I can be to her, because she means the world to me, and my life is not nearly as bright without her in it. I pray to God daily for help with my feelings, to show me what to do with them, and how to handle them so I can be the friend she needs me to be.

I'm sorry, but I just don't want to hear anymore talk of walking away from her. That's not an option, and it's not why I started this thread.

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

But in the meantime, I'm left to struggle with these feelings for a woman who loves another. So what should I do? What can I do? Any advice, help, or encouragement is greatly appreciated.

This was your question. You have received many wise answers. You already know (from prior experience) that if you distance yourself from her, your feelings will fade over time, and you will be able to move on with your life, and possibly find another to love and build a life with. Your alternative is to continue investing in her, probably way too much for her boyfriend's comfort, never receiving the feelings from her that you want and/or need. If that's what you feel is best for you in the long run, then why did you come here to ask for advice?

 

[drulenarendes]

This was your question. You have received many wise answers. You already know (from prior experience) that if you distance yourself from her, your feelings will fade over time, and you will be able to move on with your life, and possibly find another to love and build a life with. Your alternative is to continue investing in her, probably way too much for her boyfriend's comfort, never receiving the feelings from her that you want and/or need. If that's what you feel is best for you in the long run, then why did you come here to ask for advice?

I have no idea. I guess this is what happens when I take a big problem that I am facing and try to share it with complete strangers. I'm actually sorry I started this thread. I came here looking for support and guidance, and it's pretty clear to me now that I can only get that from God.

 

[tourist]

What you need to do is to move forward without her. She is a friend that you cannot afford to have.

 

[spunkycat08]

I have no idea. I guess this is what happens when I take a big problem that I am facing and try to share it with complete strangers. I'm actually sorry I started this thread. I came here looking for support and guidance, and it's pretty clear to me now that I can only get that from God.

OP:

Exactly what do you want God to tell you regarding your unrequited love for this particular female as well as your friendship with her?

 

[seoulsearch]

I have no idea. I guess this is what happens when I take a big problem that I am facing and try to share it with complete strangers. I'm actually sorry I started this thread. I came here looking for support and guidance, and it's pretty clear to me now that I can only get that from God.

Please understand that many are telling you to walk away because they've been in the exact same situation, and they're speaking from experience. It's certainly not that we don't understand. What we understand is that you want to be told only what you want to hear, and many of us have been in that situation, too. And we're telling you, in a roundabout way, that it doesn't work out.

I've been in your situation before, and the guidance from God was this: "Seoul, you are COVETING. You're wanting someone who isn't yours, and whom I haven't given you to have. And, you ENVY the person who does have him." What does one pray in a situation like that? "Lord, please split them up so I can have this person for myself," (and yes there are many who pray that.)

Even "friendship" is under the guise that you will be there for her in any situation, and if by some chance, they have a fight or things are rocky, in your heart of hearts... You're hoping she'll see YOU were always there for her, YOU are the one who loves her, and, you're hoping she'll decide that YOU are the one she'll finally choose.

I'm not sure if God will somehow "guide" you differently. But I know God clearly told me I was sinning.

And because of that, I had to let go and move on. Yeah, it hurts like all get out, but so did the sin of clinging on to someone whom I wasn't meant to have, and, I was disobeying God in the process.

I'm NOT saying that you are coveting or sinning--I can't make that judgment--but if I replace myself with you in your story, the feelings then were pretty identical.

 

[spunkycat08]

I have no idea. I guess this is what happens when I take a big problem that I am facing and try to share it with complete strangers. I'm actually sorry I started this thread. I came here looking for support and guidance, and it's pretty clear to me now that I can only get that from God.

OP:

Exactly what did you want the christian chat members to tell you regarding the support and guidance you wanted regarding your unrequited love for your female friend as well as your friendship with her?

 

[spunkycat08]

Please understand that many are telling you to walk away because they've been in the exact same situation, and they're speaking from experience. It's certainly not that we don't understand. What we understand is that you want to be told only what you want to hear, and many of us have been in that situation, too. And we're telling you, in a roundabout way, that it doesn't work out.

I've been in your situation before, and the guidance from God was this: "Seoul, you are COVETING. You're wanting someone who isn't yours, and whom I haven't given you to have. And, you ENVY the person who does have him." What does one pray in a situation like that? "Lord, please split them up so I can have this person for myself," (and yes there are many who pray that.)

Even "friendship" is under the guise that you will be there for her in any situation, and if by some chance, they have a fight or things are rocky, in your heart of hearts... You're hoping she'll see YOU were always there for her, YOU are the one who loves her, and, you're hoping she'll decide that YOU are the one she'll finally choose.

I'm not sure if God will somehow "guide" you differently. But I know God clearly told me I was sinning.

And because of that, I had to let go and move on. Yeah, it hurts like all get out, but so did the sin of clinging on to someone whom I wasn't meant to have, and, I was disobeying God in the process.

I'm NOT saying that you are coveting or sinning--I can't make that judgment--but if I replace myself with you in your story, the feelings then were pretty identical.

OP:

Regarding the bolded part in pink...

I really do not think that God will grant anyone a selfish wish.

God is about selflessness.

 

[shineyourlight]

I have no idea. I guess this is what happens when I take a big problem that I am facing and try to share it with complete strangers. I'm actually sorry I started this thread. I came here looking for support and guidance, and it's pretty clear to me now that I can only get that from God.

Hey there

Please, please, please read my whole response. I care about what you are going through and can understand how hard it is because she is a good friend of yours. But a good friend who you are in love with and who is involved with another man.

You specifically asked,

"So what should I do? What can I do? Any advice, help, or encouragement is greatly appreciated."

Okay, don't run off. Don't stop reading. I promise, I do care! But, I did want to bring up something You said "any" advice. So, did you mean what you said? Because people are giving you every kind of advice and you're just getting angry at them. I think I'm just confused. I know you are hurting. I know this is hard. I've been in your situation....but I had to walk away. The man I loved entered a serious relationship and I had to walk away for my own self and for him and his girlfriend (who is now his wife) to be able to do what they could be. It is extremely hard. But, I know that it had to be done. As I walked away and after a conversation I had with him about it, I felt free even though my heart was breaking. But it was the right thing to do, even though we had shared a great friendship with each other. But it wasn't fair to his girlfriend that another woman was in love with him, and I had to leave.

But I'm more curious and care about what's going on with you to ask you.....what's making you rethink your decision of creating this thread? Is it because you don't like the answers? Is it because you think people are being "rude" with their answers? Is it because it might be too hard to walk away? Or is it because you don't think it's a big deal for you to still be in her life?

What's your opinion on your situation? What do you feel like you should do?

 

[drulenarendes]

OP:

Exactly what do you want God to tell you regarding your unrequited love for this particular female as well as your friendship with her?

I have no idea. I don't know what His plan is. All I can do is take this to Him each and every day and pray that He helps me find some peace and contentment, and to continue to be the best friend I can be.

 

[spunkycat08]

OP:

You sound confused and lost.

Please continue praying to God to seek his wisdom and guidance.

God does have a plan for you.

He may even have the perfect mate for you as well.

But it is all in God's timing.

God will let you know who your mate is, but I do not think that your mate is someone who is currently in a relationship.

God does not work like that.

 

[drulenarendes]

But I'm more curious and care about what's going on with you to ask you.....what's making you rethink your decision of creating this thread? Is it because you don't like the answers? Is it because you think people are being "rude" with their answers? Is it because it might be too hard to walk away? Or is it because you don't think it's a big deal for you to still be in her life?

What's your opinion on your situation? What do you feel like you should do?

It's because everyone is telling me that I should walk away. I did that once already. But God brought her back into my life after 8 years for a reason. I don't know what that reason is, and I definitely don't know how how my feelings fit into this, but I can't can't walk away again when God has made it so clear to both of us that He wants us in each other's lives again.

As for what I feel like I should do, I know I'm not leaving her again. And I'm taking the whole thing to God each and every day for guidance and strength. It's all I really can do at this point.

 

[spunkycat08]

It's because everyone is telling me that I should walk away. I did that once already. But God brought her back into my life after 8 years for a reason. I don't know what that reason is, and I definitely don't know how how my feelings fit into this, but I can't can't walk away again when God has made it so clear to both of us that He wants us in each other's lives again.

As for what I feel like I should do, I know I'm not leaving her again. And I'm taking the whole thing to God each and every day for guidance and strength. It's all I really can do at this point.

OP:

Regarding the bolded part in pink...

I am trying to wrap my head around that one.

Exactly how did God make it clear to both of you that he wants you in her life and her if your life considering she is currently in a relationship?

 

[kaylagrl]

I feel like none of you are really understanding the situation here. I wish I could explain it better, what she means to me, even as a friend. I was in a deep, dark place for many years, and when she came back into my life, she transformed it. I went from being a man who had no hope, no future, to one who was suddenly full of optimism and hope. The future suddenly seemed so bright. This woman has transformed my life and has brought me blessings that I would have never dreamed possible. She is the most important person in my life, and I will always be happy to have her in my life as a friend, even if nothing more can ever come of it.

All of you seem to want me to walk away from her again, but I refuse to make the same mistake twice. And even if I wanted to, I couldn't do that to her again. It would tear her apart. I am such a big and important part of her life that if she lost me again, I fear of what it might do to her. We both strongly believe that God brought us back together, and that He has big plans in store for us, whatever they may be.

The bottom line is, I would rather deal with the pain of loving her and not having her in that way, then not having her in my life at all. I can't even bear to think of life without her. So she is never going anywhere.

Quote "Her boyfriend absolutely knows about our friendship and he supports every aspect of it."

But does he know you are in love with her?


Quote "I feel like none of you are really understanding the situation here."

Yes,I do understand,I completely do.

Quote " I was in a deep, dark place for many years, and when she came back into my life, she transformed it. I went from being a man who had no hope, no future, to one who was suddenly full of optimism and hope. The future suddenly seemed so bright. This woman has transformed my life ...

No one can transform your life but God. No one can take you from a deep dark place but God.

Quote "She is the most important person in my life, and I will always be happy to have her in my life as a friend, even if nothing more can ever come of it."

But you're not happy,you've fallen in love with her and think that God will change her mind to fall in love with you.Until then you aren't happy.You want more.


Quote "And even if I wanted to, I couldn't do that to her again. It would tear her apart. I am such a big and important part of her life that if she lost me again, I fear of what it might do to her."

How involved is she with this man? You indicated she was seriously involved with him. But you are a "big and important part in her life" She can't lose you? She was doing fine for years until you contacted her again.You need to step away,now.There is no place for you to be the most important person in her life.That is for her future husband which may or may not be this man.Sorry,you are wrong.

Quote "We both strongly believe that God brought us back together, and that He has big plans in store for us, whatever they may be."

Unless your plans are to get married you need to step out of the picture. Im married and there is no other person in my life that is more important than my husband,certainly not a person of the opposite sex.I share all my hurts,hopes and dreams with him. You have no business taking that place unless you are her husband.

Quote " God brought us back together"

No,you brought her back into your life.You contacted her.


Quote "The bottom line is, I would rather deal with the pain of loving her and not having her in that way, then not having her in my life at all. I can't even bear to think of life without her. So she is never going anywhere."

The bottom line is you are taking a place only a husband should be taking. You are hurting her,her boyfriend and in the end you'll hurt yourself. You are in love with her.You need to move on and find your potential spouse and allow her to do the same. When I began seriously dating my now husband I stopped emailing anyone of the opposite sex,yes friends,he did the same. You should be turning to your spouse for comfort,no one else. You should be communicating with them and no one else. The devil knows where to tempt us.You love her right? She marries another man and they have an argument and she calls you upset,who are you going to agree with? Right,her!! Now you've just stepped into their marriage which God command you not to do.

Im sorry you need to move on and allow her to do the same,for good this time. I know how you feel.I was dating a guy I just knew God had sent my way. Thats what I told myself. We broke up and he moved away.I prayed for him every single day we were apart.I mean literally,not just a few words,I prayed. I just couldnt understand God.A year passed and I decided to contact him on my birthday. After no communication at all he answered me back. Oh I was on cloud nine! My prayer was answered. But within the next few weeks I found out he had moved on and was with another woman.My heart was broken. I was so upset with God. I wont get into the whole story but my husband came along before I had time to get involved again with the guy I had been dating. I think the guy is married now and so am I. I just thought I could never love anyone else.I had been in a deep state of depression and I thought he had been the "magic" that woke me up. Oh how wrong I was. So wrong. Now I know I wasn't ever in love with him. My husband has shown me true love.Sorry this is so long but Ive been where you are.I didnt want to hear the advice I just gave you.But I wasted time and tears on the wrong person. God had someone special for me and was telling me "let go" and I hear "try harder". I suddenly realized it was my own effort that was keeping things going and that he didn't love me at all. I let go and Im so very,very glad I did.You will be too. Let her go.

 

[shineyourlight]

It's because everyone is telling me that I should walk away. I did that once already. But God brought her back into my life after 8 years for a reason. I don't know what that reason is, and I definitely don't know how how my feelings fit into this, but I can't can't walk away again when God has made it so clear to both of us that He wants us in each other's lives again.

As for what I feel like I should do, I know I'm not leaving her again. And I'm taking the whole thing to God each and every day for guidance and strength. It's all I really can do at this point.

But the thing is, God didn't bring her back in your life, you emailed her (from what I'm reading correctly). You emailed her and that's what struck up the conversation all over again.

Okay, so you know what you want to do with this situation. So I'm curious as to why you are asking people for their thoughts and opinions if you already know? That's not me trying to be rude. That's me trying to understand. Sure, I understand you want prayer....but I feel like it's more like, "I want people to agree with what I'm planning to do," and because people are saying you should walk away and not agreeing with you staying, there's anger that's coming up against people.

I know it is hard, but I agree with the people on here who say to walk away. You asked for our opinions, we shared our opinions, and you got mad.

So, tell me if I'm wrong, but what I really think is that you don't actually want people's opinions. You just wanted to share some of the hurts your feeling right now and the confusion. Which is ABSOLUTELY okay, but you cannot blame people who are responding by sharing their opinions because that is what you asked. Am I correct in thinking this?

I'll pray that God leads you in the right direction. I've been in this situation and I walked away (read my whole original post in here)!

We care. I care. I know how tough it is. Sometimes, you have to back away and think to yourself, "Is this going to be healthy for me in the long run and is this fair to my friend and her boyfriend's relationship if I'm pursuing her?" As much as it hurts, we have to do what's right and not what we want at times.

 

[BruceWayne]

You don't have to walk away from the friendship, but I think you know you need to find a way to walk away from the idea that it will ever be more. If you got over her once, you can do it again. Sometimes we care about someone so much, but we have to simply let them be happy where they are. She owes it to her relationship to give it its best chance. Perhaps if that relationship fails, it's an opening where you could share your feelings with her. Just don't be the reason for that(not that you're trying to be.)

I would say that what you're going through is normal. When she was out of sight, she was out of mind, but I think most of us probably still care about those we've been with on some level and it doesn't really surprise me that this has happened if you guys are close again. I hope you can find that peace to accept the friendship for what it is and make the most of it though. Maybe one day God will open that door again, who knows, but until then you should move on, date, and find happiness too.

 

[kaylagrl]

But the thing is, God didn't bring her back in your life, you emailed her (from what I'm reading correctly). You emailed her and that's what struck up the conversation all over again.

Okay, so you know what you want to do with this situation. So I'm curious as to why you are asking people for their thoughts and opinions if you already know? That's not me trying to be rude. That's me trying to understand. Sure, I understand you want prayer....but I feel like it's more like, "I want people to agree with what I'm planning to do," and because people are saying you should walk away and not agreeing with you staying, there's anger that's coming up against people.

I know it is hard, but I agree with the people on here who say to walk away. You asked for our opinions, we shared our opinions, and you got mad.

So, tell me if I'm wrong, but what I really think is that you don't actually want people's opinions. You just wanted to share some of the hurts your feeling right now and the confusion. Which is ABSOLUTELY okay, but you cannot blame people who are responding by sharing their opinions because that is what you asked. Am I correct in thinking this?

I'll pray that God leads you in the right direction. I've been in this situation and I walked away (read my whole original post in here)!

We care. I care. I know how tough it is. Sometimes, you have to back away and think to yourself, "Is this going to be healthy for me in the long run and is this fair to my friend and her boyfriend's relationship if I'm pursuing her?" As much as it hurts, we have to do what's right and not what we want at times.

I totally understand where the OP is coming from.I thought everyone was against me too.Sometimes you cant see the forest for the trees.We can see it and try to show him but he has to come to a realization himself.Any man that marries this woman is not going to want her running to anyone else for advice or comfort.They wont want another man in their wifes life that she just cant so without. He's going to find out the hard way.I know when a woman is flirting with my husband. And I'd dang sure know if another woman was in love with him.Trust me,she wouldnt be around long! I hope the OP reads what we've said again and reconsiders.We're all saying the same thing,that should tell him something.