Stop apologizing
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God bless you, Sonflower.
This is soo me way too often.
And even though we haven't been given a 'spirit of fear'
I admit I'm sometimes afraid of hurting someone's feelings
to the point I almost feel like I should apologize just for
being near them or trying to engage in conversation.
I go too far in trying to be polite, sometimes. In person.
But I've made the terrible and regrettable mistake of
going too far the other direction at times on-line,
forgetting how easily misunderstood I can be,
and have my motives misjudged, and unfortunately,
on-line, ppl can just move on and leave you.
But at least in person, there's a chance to re-engage,
try to gain some understanding, and yes, apologize
where needed, and reconcile and move forward
in the love and grace of God.
I'm praying to get better at that end, because,
(and I'm 'sorry' if this sounds like boasting, lol),
I know I'm a decent guy, and I know in my heart
I'm not trying to hurt anybody.
But if I do something wrong, though I'm not always
immediately aware to what extent, when I do apologize,
it's true and sincere.
Sometimes, though, an apology may take time and care,
to avoid compounding the situation, and ruining any
future chance at honest forgiveness and reconciliation.
Love is key, and SO needed.
This is soo me way too often.
And even though we haven't been given a 'spirit of fear'
I admit I'm sometimes afraid of hurting someone's feelings
to the point I almost feel like I should apologize just for
being near them or trying to engage in conversation.
I go too far in trying to be polite, sometimes. In person.
But I've made the terrible and regrettable mistake of
going too far the other direction at times on-line,
forgetting how easily misunderstood I can be,
and have my motives misjudged, and unfortunately,
on-line, ppl can just move on and leave you.
But at least in person, there's a chance to re-engage,
try to gain some understanding, and yes, apologize
where needed, and reconcile and move forward
in the love and grace of God.
I'm praying to get better at that end, because,
(and I'm 'sorry' if this sounds like boasting, lol),
I know I'm a decent guy, and I know in my heart
I'm not trying to hurt anybody.
But if I do something wrong, though I'm not always
immediately aware to what extent, when I do apologize,
it's true and sincere.
Sometimes, though, an apology may take time and care,
to avoid compounding the situation, and ruining any
future chance at honest forgiveness and reconciliation.
Love is key, and SO needed.
Many of us were indoctrinated as children to say sorry to get adults off our backs. Some of us lived in a home of shamed based performance discipline and our value was attached to our behavior. Obviously there is a time to apologize to someone, but to have "I'm sorry" as much of a part of our speech as "how are you", is frankly, unhealthy.
Yes, wise words, Sirk.
And a result of this conditioning, even if unintentional,
and this over-apologizing, can be that ppl don't take you
seriously when you really need them to, or then they DO
at all the wrong times, sort of like an
alternate 'boy-who-cried-wolf' syndrome,
only this is more like 'one-who-cried-I'm-sorry' too much.
But I know I have to be careful to avoid OVER-correcting this
and winding up with a hard or insensitive heart.
And a result of this conditioning, even if unintentional,
and this over-apologizing, can be that ppl don't take you
seriously when you really need them to, or then they DO
at all the wrong times, sort of like an
alternate 'boy-who-cried-wolf' syndrome,
only this is more like 'one-who-cried-I'm-sorry' too much.
But I know I have to be careful to avoid OVER-correcting this
and winding up with a hard or insensitive heart.
such a good thread, Sirk....
PS. 38:18.
For I will declare mine iniquity; I will be sorry for my sin.
being sorry for offending our Father or another will strengthen our character -
in worldly situations or Spiritual....there's a time and place for sorrow or repentance...
it's a good emotion or action to study in ourselves...I know that we should always be looking
for ways to improve and be Christ-like...another life-long endeavor that can only bring us
peace and self-confidence in our walk...
PS. 38:18.
For I will declare mine iniquity; I will be sorry for my sin.
being sorry for offending our Father or another will strengthen our character -
in worldly situations or Spiritual....there's a time and place for sorrow or repentance...
it's a good emotion or action to study in ourselves...I know that we should always be looking
for ways to improve and be Christ-like...another life-long endeavor that can only bring us
peace and self-confidence in our walk...
D
My husband says he's sorry if he asks me for a cup of coffee. He asked. I'm free to say no, so why apologize? He says he's sorry so often, that once he developed Turret's, "I'm sorry" became one of the blurts.
He had his massive heart attack and was immobile/sedated for 6-8 weeks. Then he was weaned off the sedatives, but he still had a ventilator down his throat, so he couldn't talk. I was busy trying to use a chart to help him spell words, because I could see he wanted to say something, but couldn't guess what most of the time. BUT, the first time I saw that look in his eyes, the "I really need to say something" look, I smiled and said, "Yeah, you're sorry." He smiled, but then shook his head. I read that as "Yeah, I'm sorry I scared you, but that's not what I wanted to say."
Weeks later, they removed the vent for a trach, and days later they put a cap on the trach specifically geared so he could talk. I finally found out what he wanted to say. "Hi, Baby. I love you." (Guess who cried. And you're right if you picked him or me. lol)
He's since apologized for inconveniencing me with his heart attack. A lot!
Yeah, yeah! That was his evil plan all along -- to inconvenience me. lol
But, I disagree with you on this. We can't make others happy, but who we love we will try to please. Not just Jesus. Added step: We're supposed to love everyone.
I got him his after-dinner coffee specifically because I love him... and, he was usually the one who made dinner, so he could use some rest. (His "bad dinners" went down to three-star dinners. Most of our dinners were five-star dinners, so he worked hard. Now that he's still in the hospital, my great dinners work all the way up to three-stars. Some have been so bad that men in the military stuck with MRE's would taste my dinner and ask for their MRE's back. He deserved better coffee, but he liked coffee so he always got the best we could afford. lol)
He had his massive heart attack and was immobile/sedated for 6-8 weeks. Then he was weaned off the sedatives, but he still had a ventilator down his throat, so he couldn't talk. I was busy trying to use a chart to help him spell words, because I could see he wanted to say something, but couldn't guess what most of the time. BUT, the first time I saw that look in his eyes, the "I really need to say something" look, I smiled and said, "Yeah, you're sorry." He smiled, but then shook his head. I read that as "Yeah, I'm sorry I scared you, but that's not what I wanted to say."
Weeks later, they removed the vent for a trach, and days later they put a cap on the trach specifically geared so he could talk. I finally found out what he wanted to say. "Hi, Baby. I love you." (Guess who cried. And you're right if you picked him or me. lol)
He's since apologized for inconveniencing me with his heart attack. A lot!
Yeah, yeah! That was his evil plan all along -- to inconvenience me. lol
But, I disagree with you on this. We can't make others happy, but who we love we will try to please. Not just Jesus. Added step: We're supposed to love everyone.
I got him his after-dinner coffee specifically because I love him... and, he was usually the one who made dinner, so he could use some rest. (His "bad dinners" went down to three-star dinners. Most of our dinners were five-star dinners, so he worked hard. Now that he's still in the hospital, my great dinners work all the way up to three-stars. Some have been so bad that men in the military stuck with MRE's would taste my dinner and ask for their MRE's back. He deserved better coffee, but he liked coffee so he always got the best we could afford. lol)
Lol. I requoted these two posts,
and even reversed the order, for the benefit
of anyone else reading in, and thinking perhaps
the two ideas were at odds with each other.
They are not, and I wrote 'Lol' because this thought
just made me chuckle a bit in it's simplicity.....
We want to stop all this 'I'm sorry' stuff...
And we want to grow in Christ-likeness...
I guess one way to do both, is to stop
doing stuff that I should be sorry for.
(Duh me, right?)
And the idea of more gratitude is a great step in that direction.
Instead of 'sorry I did this', 'sorry I'm like that',
change it to,
'Thank you, Lord, for forgiveness in Jesus Christ'.
'Thank you, Lord, for leading me
from wrongful thinking/believing/doing',
'Thank you, Lord, for teaching me and loving me
so much so, that you not only gave your
only begotten Son for me, but you also want to help me
grow into the image and likeness of you, my God and Savior.
Thank you, Lord for your amazing grace!
What a valuable lesson. We all need Jesus.....,
being thankful we have Him is a great way to
help eliminate many wrongs, AND many 'sorries'.
THANKS again for the thread and
everyone adding good stuff!
(SORRY I'm so slow to learn)
Lol lol ... sorry, couldn't resist ...
old habits die hard, ya know?!
and even reversed the order, for the benefit
of anyone else reading in, and thinking perhaps
the two ideas were at odds with each other.
They are not, and I wrote 'Lol' because this thought
just made me chuckle a bit in it's simplicity.....
We want to stop all this 'I'm sorry' stuff...
And we want to grow in Christ-likeness...
I guess one way to do both, is to stop
doing stuff that I should be sorry for.
(Duh me, right?)
And the idea of more gratitude is a great step in that direction.
Instead of 'sorry I did this', 'sorry I'm like that',
change it to,
'Thank you, Lord, for forgiveness in Jesus Christ'.
'Thank you, Lord, for leading me
from wrongful thinking/believing/doing',
'Thank you, Lord, for teaching me and loving me
so much so, that you not only gave your
only begotten Son for me, but you also want to help me
grow into the image and likeness of you, my God and Savior.
Thank you, Lord for your amazing grace!
What a valuable lesson. We all need Jesus.....,
being thankful we have Him is a great way to
help eliminate many wrongs, AND many 'sorries'.
THANKS again for the thread and
everyone adding good stuff!
(SORRY I'm so slow to learn)
Lol lol ... sorry, couldn't resist ...
old habits die hard, ya know?!
C
As a kid a dad from a friend would bring us to where we got guitar lessons, one week he did it, other week my dad.So I stepped out of the car. He got mad. I had to say thanks for everything. She always said thanks for everything.It made no sense to me. Thanks for the ride yeah oops I forgot, but thanks for everything?A lot of times when the devil accused me and I did something wrong and was afraid I hadn't confessed any bad word or thought I'd say to God: Sorry for everything. Really and tbh I still do now and then.I agree. Just because someone is controlling and accuses you for nothing doesn't mean you have to say sorry (lol while not meaning it, hahaha or say: sorry although I did nothing wrong).https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=m3uWnja5ssQ
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C
You can say sorry if it offended you, but I didn't mean anything with it. Depends. Once I wanted to say sorry to a controlling woman for doing what God wanted us to do which offended her but my ex wouldn't let me. You don't help someone that way. They might think they're right. Jesus didn't apologize to the pharisees. Sorry that I healed that man. I didn't want to offend you sweetheart.
Forced sorrow leads to death but Godly sorrow leads to life. When we are constantly apologizing for ourselves we make everything about us....seems kinda like a false humility to me. In my estimation humility is the willingness to be known for who you are....not to be sorry for who you are. When we are constantly apologizing for ourselves we aren't being grateful to our friends family and coworkers for being there. A grateful heart does things they don't have to be sorry for.
Philosophically, I believe that more damage is done in the world by people hanging onto pride and failing to apologize than by simply apologizing.
As a public school teacher, I've apologized often to parents when I've done no wrong. Which is better, for me to stamp my foot and stand on the principle of "being right," or for me to apologize (because that's what they want), thereby allowing them to LISTEN to my larger point regarding their child? Since I have the greater good in mind, the only thing injured by my apology in that situation is my pride.
I consider it an act of submission. It's not my problem that the world considers submission to be WEAKNESS. God doesn't see it that way. So, I align myself with God's view of this sort of thing. If others want to approach people in terms of power--getting it, and maintaining it, I can't control that. However, I'm not interested in viewing people that way, so I try to be open to doing what serves the greater good over my feelings at the moment. (Mind you, I don't always succeed, but it is a goal of mine).
As a public school teacher, I've apologized often to parents when I've done no wrong. Which is better, for me to stamp my foot and stand on the principle of "being right," or for me to apologize (because that's what they want), thereby allowing them to LISTEN to my larger point regarding their child? Since I have the greater good in mind, the only thing injured by my apology in that situation is my pride.
I consider it an act of submission. It's not my problem that the world considers submission to be WEAKNESS. God doesn't see it that way. So, I align myself with God's view of this sort of thing. If others want to approach people in terms of power--getting it, and maintaining it, I can't control that. However, I'm not interested in viewing people that way, so I try to be open to doing what serves the greater good over my feelings at the moment. (Mind you, I don't always succeed, but it is a goal of mine).
Thanking them for making me a better teacher would be a lie. Also, they don't want to be thanked. They want me to apologize because little Johnny got upset. They want Johnny's FEELINGS to be acknowledged. Imagine this scenario: Little Johnny goes home hacked off at a particular grade he has received. He complains to his parents and inaccurately reports so his parents are convinced that Johnny has been unfairly treated by the mean, mean teacher. They are HOT! They shoot me a hateful email about how I'm a terrible teacher and how dare I give their Johnny such a grade.
At this point, am I meant to say, "Thank you so much for helping me be a better teacher?" They aren't helping me be a better teacher. They're reacting to misinformation. So, that would be a lie.
OR could I say, "I'm so sorry Johnny was upset. It is upsetting to get a grade that is lower than what you expect. Here's what happened..."
The thing is, I *am* sorry that Johnny was upset. I get that when we have disappointed expectations, it can be painful. My reply and apology are SINCERE.
I also get what you've been saying about apologizing and that it has transformed your thinking. My way may be different than yours.
D
I totally disagree. Hubby says sorry all the time, because he doesn't want me to have any negative moods, because he loves me. He IS beneath me, but in the sense we're both in the bottom of the deep end and he's trying to push me to air. Our struggle is who is getting whom to the air first? And that one has to be negotiated often.
Right now, I'm beneath him trying to hold him up, because he has so little strength. Beneath is NOT a bad place!
But in regular life, we negotiate who does what, because we're both disabled. One of our constant problems is we're so busy trying to make sure the other doesn't overdo (overdo means added pain tomorrow always, but we don't know how much pain or how long) that we overdo ourselves. 12-packs of soda. We buy them on sale, so we're never just bringing in one pack. They're also our heaviest grocery item, (except when it's time to get a whole frozen turkey.) That means they have to be put in the cart, one has to be taken out and the rest have to get stickers on them saying we paid for them (leaning over is as much a problem as carrying for both of us for different reasons), then taken out of the cart to put in the trunk, and then brought into the house. We have to negotiate who does what each time because we have to take in who is having a good day and who isn't. Really it comes back to who is beneath the other taking up the need. If one of us brings them all in, that person should say, "I'm sorry."
It hurts us both more when the other one hurts.
You tend to look at what is right for you. We're called to do what is right for others. We are called to be beneath and then to accept when someone needs to be beneath us. It's not less than. It's greater than, just like Jesus said.
Right now, I'm beneath him trying to hold him up, because he has so little strength. Beneath is NOT a bad place!
But in regular life, we negotiate who does what, because we're both disabled. One of our constant problems is we're so busy trying to make sure the other doesn't overdo (overdo means added pain tomorrow always, but we don't know how much pain or how long) that we overdo ourselves. 12-packs of soda. We buy them on sale, so we're never just bringing in one pack. They're also our heaviest grocery item, (except when it's time to get a whole frozen turkey.) That means they have to be put in the cart, one has to be taken out and the rest have to get stickers on them saying we paid for them (leaning over is as much a problem as carrying for both of us for different reasons), then taken out of the cart to put in the trunk, and then brought into the house. We have to negotiate who does what each time because we have to take in who is having a good day and who isn't. Really it comes back to who is beneath the other taking up the need. If one of us brings them all in, that person should say, "I'm sorry."
It hurts us both more when the other one hurts.
You tend to look at what is right for you. We're called to do what is right for others. We are called to be beneath and then to accept when someone needs to be beneath us. It's not less than. It's greater than, just like Jesus said.
D
I might annoy someone? I can guarantee I annoy people.
That's their problem, not mine. They choose how to deal with that. And I'm fine if they walk away forever.
Might I suggest taking on that mindset? After all, I've annoyed people for trying to do something helpful to them, so sometimes it's not me.
That's their problem, not mine. They choose how to deal with that. And I'm fine if they walk away forever.
Might I suggest taking on that mindset? After all, I've annoyed people for trying to do something helpful to them, so sometimes it's not me.
We can agree to disagree. I do fail to see how someone sharing information with you about their point of view on their child doesn't help you understand them better and then thanking them for it is a lie. Knowledge is power and gaining knowledge and insight about someone is certainly something to be grateful for imo.
E
Man did I ever need to here this! I am one of those kinds of people, and I'm still working on being better about it. Someone once said to me that there is a difference between being the "nice guy" and a "kind man". The first is a doormat, the second is a true gentleman. Thanks for posting this, brother. Christ didn't call us to be doormats, He called us to be steadfast. Amen.