Should Women Just Accept That Their Future Husband Will Probably Watch Porn?

[seoulsearch]

I'm the original writer of this thread, and even I had to check when this was written (almost a year ago.)

Most of my other threads get maybe a couple hundred views, at most... So is it by coincidence that this thread now has nearly 2,500 views? I think not.

When I originally wrote this thread, I was thinking about the fact that at any given moment, you can do a search for threads about members who are struggling with porn and the system will practically go into overload with the number of matches.

It's a fact that many, many Christians are battling an ongoing fight (meaning current and daily) with this issue.

Does this mean that every Christian who is currently fighting to stay away from porn (and often stumbles) should automatically be disqualified for marriage and be seen as unfit material for a spouse?

If that's the case, then according to that thinking, there are a good number of Christians today who are apparently unmarry-able.

This was the discussion question I originally had in mind when I wrote this thread.

 

[Rosesrock]

I'm the original writer of this thread, and even I had to check when this was written (almost a year ago.)

Most of my other threads get maybe a couple hundred views, at most... So is it by coincidence that this thread now has nearly 2,500 views? I think not.

When I originally wrote this thread, I was thinking about the fact that at any given moment, you can do a search for threads about members who are struggling with porn and the system will practically go into overload with the number of matches.

It's a fact that many, many Christians are battling an ongoing fight (meaning current and daily) with this issue.

Does this mean that every Christian who is currently fighting to stay away from porn (and often stumbles) should automatically be disqualified for marriage and be seen as unfit material for a spouse?

If that's the case, then according to that thinking, there are a good number of Christians today who are apparently unmarry-able.

This was the discussion question I originally had in mind when I wrote this thread.

Is a porn watcher unfit for marriage?

Well if so then so are those that are struggling with feeding any weakness.
Which is.....of course not.

 

[seoulsearch]

Is a porn watcher unfit for marriage?

Well if so then so are those that are struggling with feeding any weakness.
Which is.....of course not.

Hey Roses ,

So good to have you back!

The thing is... if someone is struggling with porn, and it's a current struggle...

Most of the posters here are saying they would never put up with a spouse who watches porn.

So, the equation seems to be (unless I'm misunderstanding) -- Do Not Marry Someone Struggling With Porn.

And I'm wondering what people's thoughts are on that, and/or how they would plan to work around that if they do decide to marry someone who has an issue with porn.

 

[Rosesrock]

Hey Roses ,

So good to have you back!

The thing is... if someone is struggling with porn, and it's a current struggle...

Most of the posters here are saying they would never put up with a spouse who watches porn.

So, the equation seems to be (unless I'm misunderstanding) -- Do Not Marry Someone Struggling With Porn.

And I'm wondering what people's thoughts are on that, and/or how they would plan to work around that if they do decide to marry someone who has an issue with porn.

I see and I'm saying we can't separate one sin from the next. It's all the same. Say a future spouse was struggling with addiction to drugs. Or any other sin......are we condeming them because of the struggle because we may not have the same weakness....

Or are you saying.......if someone with a struggle with lust issues would be someone that would struggle with being faithful?

So put up with a spouse with a real weakness would be out of the question? Take porn out and put something else in. Be selfless in thinking what this person who's struggling needs.

They need love, understanding and prayer.
Why is it we approach each relationship with a selfish outlook and it's never on who Christ says to love. Patient, kind, forgiving.

I get it. Porn is not ok and unhealthy in a relationship but it's a weakness like food. A distraction from Christ's soul purpose of why we're here.

 

[Rush]

Seoul, we all sin, you're absolutely right. Wait for the perfect husband to come along and you'll be waiting until the return of Christ.

But there's so much wrong with porn even at surface level.
Then we go levels deeper than that into even legal pornography and people are now objects, they are drug addled, used up and discarded, coerced, manipulated, discriminated, hurt, injured, unloved.
Go down another level to people who forced into it illegally. People are trafficked, murdered, forced onto drugs, raped, kidnapped, sold, beaten, degraded, are unloved, unwanted, unknown.

It would be deal breaker if my wife to be couldn't or wouldn't stop.

If I buy a tv from a man who sells stolen good that he conned from a lovely old lady, or maybe assaulted her tm obtain it, am I not responsible and culpable since I made it profitable for him? If I enjoy a woman who has been made to degrade herself and discarded, am I not just a responsible?
Porn should break our hearts when we see these people turn themselves/are turned into objects - even if we don't pay for it, and thus support the pornography institution fiscally, these people are dying as surely as a cancer patient, and rather than help and pray and seek the Lord on their behalf, they are used as objects.
They're amazing Sons and Daughters of the Father who has made the world knowing everything, and made us all anyway because he wanted us.

Sorry. *jumps off soapbox*

 

[kaylagrl]

Hey Everyone,

With all the threads we see here about problems with pornography, I have been seriously wondering how, as singles, we should react or respond to the fact that so many of our brothers (and sometimes sisters) in Christ struggle with this problem.

First of all, I'm not shaming anyone who struggles with this at all. We all have our own struggles and I admire anyone who is aware of their sins and chooses to engage in an active fight against their sinful nature. I have plenty of weaknesses to fight against myself.

But I'm also wondering what my prayers should be: "God, please send me a husband who isn't addicted to porn," or, "God, please make me strong enough to help him through the fight." I honestly used to pray the first prayer. But as time goes on, the second prayer seems like the only realistic thing to pray. Is this true?

Some men (and women) I've talked to have told me I just have to accept that "boys will be boys" and it's just a part of life you have to deal with (and, as is implied, accept.) Men tell me my expectations are way too high and that I'll never find anyone if I somehow expect them not to watch porn.

I can honestly say that one of the reasons I haven't had a boyfriend in so long (about 12 years) is because I'd rather choose to support a guy who's having this kind of fight as his friend rather than his girlfriend, seeing as I've already been there, done that, and wasn't handling it very well at all.

From the ages of 17-29 I was in 4 long-term relationships. Of the 4, one wasn't really into porn at all. He'd seen some things but didn't choose to continue watching them. Another had a "recreational" porn habit. He would occasionally look at this or that but it wasn't all the time, and he would often choose other things that interested him, such as sports or video games, instead. Another was definitely a "regular", seeing as, if you tried to turn on his TV, he'd have it queued up to a "movie" he'd been watching. And the other was a "semi-regular", meaning, at times I'd catch him watching things on his computer. One time he was printing out an entire stack of pictures... and apparently making his own "collection."

I remember very well how this made me feel and how I reacted to it. One had had a preference for "Asian porn", (I didn't know this until after we started dating), and it made me feel like a curiosity object--especially when he told me he would look at these things with his brother (talk about uncomfortable.) The other had a preference for a different ethnicity that I am not a part of, and of course, it all had the same effect: I felt... all wrong, inadequate, and like some sort of really lousy stand-in substitute for a fantasy they would certainly have much rather preferred.

All but one considered themselves to be Christans and all 4 (even the non-Christian) were fine with trying to adhere to a life of celibacy before marriage. (Ironically, the one who talked about sex the least was the one who didn't consider himself a Christian.)

This has just been my own personal experience when dating Christian men. I know they're human, and I know they struggle. I also know that some women struggle with this just as much as men. But I also wonder to myself, How much fallout should the significant others of those who watch porn be expected to take?

One of the effects this had on me was that it made my depression 10 times worse. At the time, I was experimenting with various measures of self-harm because I felt so inadequate. I also felt extremely bitter and hateful that they would choose to continue to do this, without even caring (or noticing) that I was hurting myself.

But in the time I've been away from all those kinds of conflicts, I've slowly gotten much better over the years (all the old self-injurious behaviors ceased many years ago, thanks to God's help and a very special friend who really listened to all my heartache.) I've learned how to listen to and be supportive guy friends who struggle with compulsive sexual behaviors... but I don't choose to date them, knowing it would probably send me into the same downward spiral that's been so much work to get away from.

I can honestly say that one of the reasons I've steadily been healed of many things over the years is because I'm not regularly dealing with being in a relationship with someone who is constantly choosing to mentally have sex with other women, (which, in 2 cases, led to them having physical sex with other women as well.) Sometimes over the years, I have been tempted to just throw in the towel and agree to dating someone who is a wonderful friend, but also struggling with this issue. But so far I've held back, because I often wonder what going back to such a situation would do to my emotional state. I can't say I want to find out. And, at least this way, I can still be a caring, supportive friend to him.

If I became his girlfriend, I would start to resent him, because in a relationship, this habit would make me feel like a sub-worthy play thing.

But on the other hand, it also seems to point to a life of always being alone. And, it doesn't leave much hope for anyone one either side of the issue. People struggling with this will think, "Oh no, I won't ever find anyone, because I can't see being free from this," while people who aren't struggling with this will think, "Why should I have to settle?"

Should we all just accept that porn is a regular part of many people's lives (especially men), and somehow accept that as "fact"? (Meaning, should we get to a point where we don't see it as "any big deal" and should "accept" or "expect" that we are going to find ourselves dealing with this kind of struggle through our relationships?)

After all, if we all wait for a partner who is healed of this, we might very well be waiting forever or could possibly miss out one someone we could grow closer to as we choose to fight this together. But should it always be expected that the partner without the porn issue should always be expected and required to constantly forgive, or even overlook, the continuous behaviors of the other who is still watching porn?

Where are the lines between setting a standard (allowing a relationship even if there's a struggle with porn going on), acceptance ("I don't want that in my relationship at all!", or "We are going to fight this together,"), and expectation ("Most like, I'm going to wind up with someone who watches porn so I better learn to accept it")?

As singles, what should our prayers be at night?

1. "Lord, please send me someone who loves just me, and doesn't need to look at other men/women for satisfaction."

2. "Lord, there are a lot of people out there struggling with pornography. If it's Your will for me to marry someone while they're still going through this, and might possibly never be healed, please make me strong enough to do so."

I would love to hear your thoughts.

My husband doesn't watch porn, we talked about it before marriage and he was very clear about it. I dont think a women should just accept it or expect it. No,not at all. That being said there is healing for people going through this issue. But your question was "should women just accept it" the answer is no.

 

[PennEd]

I have never been addicted to drugs. I understand that even after a 1st use of heroin someone can get totally addicted. But I know EXACTLY what addiction feels like. I would describe porn addiction in very much the same way a heroin addict would.

But I want to be clear. Addiction of ANY kind is letting our dead flesh take control of our mind and body, and should NEVER be tolerated. Because it is of our fleshly bodies, THERE IS NO WAY TO FIGHT IT IN OUR FLESH. Believe me. I, and many others I've spoken with have tried and failed more times than I can count.

The answer is ALWAYS the same. We need to walk in the Spirit, and constantly feed the Spirit, NOT the dead flesh. This was the ONLY way I have stopped this horrible addiction for years now.

The closer and closer I get to God, and have revelations about His incredible Grace, the MORE even the desire to sin fades.

I don't blame a woman who doesn't want any part of a guy struggling with this, but I will say that if any man or woman is not walking in the Spirit, they WILL be dealing with some kind of sin in their partner's life. I just praise the Lord my wife found the Grace to forgive me of not just this sinful behavior, but others as well. Because remember, one type of sin usually doesn't just abide there by itself. If there is struggle in one area, you can bet there will be struggles in other areas as well.

My advice, especially to young men, is to NEVER start this garbage. You CAN change your brain chemistry with just a single viewing.

grace, peace, and love to you.

 

[kaylagrl]

I have never been addicted to drugs. I understand that even after a 1st use of heroin someone can get totally addicted. But I know EXACTLY what addiction feels like. I would describe porn addiction in very much the same way a heroin addict would.

But I want to be clear. Addiction of ANY kind is letting our dead flesh take control of our mind and body, and should NEVER be tolerated. Because it is of our fleshly bodies, THERE IS NO WAY TO FIGHT IT IN OUR FLESH. Believe me. I, and many others I've spoken with have tried and failed more times than I can count.

The answer is ALWAYS the same. We need to walk in the Spirit, and constantly feed the Spirit, NOT the dead flesh. This was the ONLY way I have stopped this horrible addiction for years now.

The closer and closer I get to God, and have revelations about His incredible Grace, the MORE even the desire to sin fades.

I don't blame a woman who doesn't want any part of a guy struggling with this, but I will say that if any man or woman is not walking in the Spirit, they WILL be dealing with some kind of sin in their partner's life. I just praise the Lord my wife found the Grace to forgive me of not just this sinful behavior, but others as well. Because remember, one type of sin usually doesn't just abide there by itself. If there is struggle in one area, you can bet there will be struggles in other areas as well.

My advice, especially to young men, is to NEVER start this garbage. You CAN change your brain chemistry with just a single viewing.

grace, peace, and love to you.

I wish churches would talk more openly about sexual issues within marriages and even young adults of marrying age. People would find more healing if they could be open and honest and have other brothers in the Lord talk and pray with them.

 

[mailmandan]

I wish churches would talk more openly about sexual issues within marriages and even young adults of marrying age. People would find more healing if they could be open and honest and have other brothers in the Lord talk and pray with them.

For many people it's a very embarrassing subject and the porn watcher is most likely very ashamed and is afraid that their spouse will really look down on them and won't understand if they find out, so they continue to battle their addiction alone and generally without success of defeating the addiction.

 

[seoulsearch]

For many people it's a very embarrassing subject and the porn watcher is most likely very ashamed and is afraid that their spouse will really look down on them and won't understand if they find out, so they continue to battle their addiction alone and generally without success of defeating the addiction.

Which is a complete tragedy.

This is exactly why I've always liked bringing tough subjects out in the open for discussion.

The church should feel like the safest place in the world to share one's struggles, but often, it's the most condemning place a person will ever encounter. Want proof? Just take a peek at the Bible Discussion Forum.

I'm always floored that people actually wonder why most of those who struggle would feel more comfortable spilling their problems at a bar than at a church.

The sad reality is that the church is often the last place anyone wants to go with their actual problems.

 

[kaylagrl]

For many people it's a very embarrassing subject and the porn watcher is most likely very ashamed and is afraid that their spouse will really look down on them and won't understand if they find out, so they continue to battle their addiction alone and generally without success of defeating the addiction.

Yes,but it shouldn't be that way. A brother or even a sister with sexual issues should be able to share,be open and talk with their brother/sisters in Lord and be prayed for. It breaks the hold satan has,keeping sins in secret, which causes guilt.We should be able to share any need with other Christians and have prayer and support.

 

[Rosesrock]

Yes,but it shouldn't be that way. A brother or even a sister with sexual issues should be able to share,be open and talk with their brother/sisters in Lord and be prayed for. It breaks the hold satan has,keeping sins in secret, which causes guilt.We should be able to share any need with other Christians and have prayer and support.

Exactly. James 5:16

Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.

 

[mailmandan]

My son's finance works for a Cable TV company and she is amazed at how many people come in to pay their monthly bill and it's anywhere from $300-$500 because of charges for renting porn movies. One time she had mentioned to my wife and I that an older couple came in to pay their bill and the wife about flipped her lid when she saw the $500 cable bill and realized it was due to porn rental.

At first, her husband tried to blame it on their young teenage grandson who stays at their house sometimes but when his wife looked at the title of the movies and most of them were in regards to teenage girls and elderly men, she knew it was him and they had a huge fight right in front of everyone! For women, porn is very degrading and any woman with any sense of morals will not tolerate her husband looking at porn. My wife would absolutely not tolerate it!

 

[Rosesrock]

My son's finance works for a Cable TV company and she is amazed at how many people come in to pay their monthly bill and it's anywhere from $300-$500 because of charges for renting porn movies. One time she had mentioned to my wife and I that an older couple came in to pay their bill and the wife about flipped her lid when she saw the $500 cable bill and realized it was due to porn rental.

At first, her husband tried to blame it on their young teenage grandson who stays at their house sometimes but when his wife looked at the title of the movies and most of them were in regards to teenage girls and elderly men, she knew it was him and they had a huge fight right in front of everyone! For women, porn is very degrading and any woman with any sense of morals will not tolerate her husband looking at porn. My wife would absolutely not tolerate it!

Be aware that this is not gender specific.

Women also deal with the same weaknesses.

 

[mailmandan]

Be aware that this is not gender specific.

Women also deal with the same weaknesses.

You are right. A poll conducted by "one of the world's most visited Christian websites" indicates a surprising number of Christians are getting addicted to pornography.

"The poll results indicate that 50% of all Christian men and 20% of all Christian women are addicted to pornography.

The group defines "addicted" as applied to pornography as use on an ongoing basis.

"We are seeing an escalation to the problem in both men and women who regularly attend church," said Bill Cooper, President of ChristiaNet.com.

"No one is immunized against the vice-grip clutches of sexual addictive behaviors," reads a release issued by the site. "The people who struggle with the repeated pursuit of sexual gratification include church members, deacons, staff, and yes, even clergy."

How many Christians (especially) men can honestly say, "whenever I am tempted to lust, I NEVER give in." I have 100% conquered that sin. No problem?

If David, who was “a man after God’s own heart,” and many other strong men and women of faith yielded to sexual temptation, it could happen to any of us. Pornography may be the new addiction of this new century. Researchers are finding that when people indulge in porn, they release powerful chemicals in their brain and body. Mark Kastleman, author of The Drug of the New Millennium, said, "There are a growing number of therapists and psychologists who are saying that this is as addictive as cocaine," or alcohol, or even heroin. He explained that, when people view porn, "It causes the brain to release what we call endogenous drugs or endogenous chemicals. 'Endogenous' meaning 'produced from within.' So where cocaine or alcohol seek to mimic the brain's natural chemicals, pornography releases the real deal. And so we have things like adrenaline, epinephrine, ACTH."

Due to our fallen nature, we will have to deal with the temptation to lust until we die. The temptation to lust will come in many forms including ungodly sexual appetites; and there are lusts, such as the lust of power, fame or position. We must rely on the power of the Holy Spirit inside us to overcome lust every day. No matter the form of lust we face, we can be assured that we have a High Priest and Advocate with the Father who "understands every weakness of ours" and "was tempted in every way that we are. But He did not sin" (Hebrews 4:15; 1 John 2:1). 1 Corinthians 6:18 says to flee sexual immorality! I can tell you that the first step in giving up porn addiction is that you have to REALLY WANT TO GIVE IT UP! Those addicted to porn need to pour out their heart to Jesus and ask Him for the power to give it up. We can't simply suppress this sin in our own strength and give it up solely in our own power.

 

[kaylagrl]

My son's finance works for a Cable TV company and she is amazed at how many people come in to pay their monthly bill and it's anywhere from $300-$500 because of charges for renting porn movies. One time she had mentioned to my wife and I that an older couple came in to pay their bill and the wife about flipped her lid when she saw the $500 cable bill and realized it was due to porn rental.

At first, her husband tried to blame it on their young teenage grandson who stays at their house sometimes but when his wife looked at the title of the movies and most of them were in regards to teenage girls and elderly men, she knew it was him and they had a huge fight right in front of everyone! For women, porn is very degrading and any woman with any sense of morals will not tolerate her husband looking at porn. My wife would absolutely not tolerate it!

Its rather a catch 22 situation. Though having sex before marriage goes against Gods will, couples should discuss sex before they marry and be open about their needs,expectations and issues. I dont know how other Christians feel about that but when you become engaged I believe that is the time to have the talk.

 

[Messy]

For many people it's a very embarrassing subject and the porn watcher is most likely very ashamed and is afraid that their spouse will really look down on them and won't understand if they find out, so they continue to battle their addiction alone and generally without success of defeating the addiction.

Yeah that's stupid. Lol in Holland we're not so ashamed about such stuff. I frankly didn't care to tell my ex/pastor when I fell in sin. How else can you convert and be set free from those lust demons? He just kicked them out for me. One church meeting: who has problems with masturbation? Whoop almost all the hands up in the air, some unclean demons kicked out, problem solved. Confess each other your sins. If you can't even be honest to your spouse my goodness. If the wife is so holy, wives mostly don't have porn problems I think, since it's disgusting, they can kick it out. But if a guy doesn't want to be set free I'd no way marry him.

 

[Messy]

I read that even unbelievers get rid of it now, otherwise they can't even have a relationship. Extreme cases can't even have sex anymore .

 

[Rosesrock]

You are right. A poll conducted by "one of the world's most visited Christian websites" indicates a surprising number of Christians are getting addicted to pornography.

"The poll results indicate that 50% of all Christian men and 20% of all Christian women are addicted to pornography.

The group defines "addicted" as applied to pornography as use on an ongoing basis.

"We are seeing an escalation to the problem in both men and women who regularly attend church," said Bill Cooper, President of ChristiaNet.com.

"No one is immunized against the vice-grip clutches of sexual addictive behaviors," reads a release issued by the site. "The people who struggle with the repeated pursuit of sexual gratification include church members, deacons, staff, and yes, even clergy."

How many Christians (especially) men can honestly say, "whenever I am tempted to lust, I NEVER give in." I have 100% conquered that sin. No problem?

If David, who was “a man after God’s own heart,” and many other strong men and women of faith yielded to sexual temptation, it could happen to any of us. Pornography may be the new addiction of this new century. Researchers are finding that when people indulge in porn, they release powerful chemicals in their brain and body. Mark Kastleman, author of The Drug of the New Millennium, said, "There are a growing number of therapists and psychologists who are saying that this is as addictive as cocaine," or alcohol, or even heroin. He explained that, when people view porn, "It causes the brain to release what we call endogenous drugs or endogenous chemicals. 'Endogenous' meaning 'produced from within.' So where cocaine or alcohol seek to mimic the brain's natural chemicals, pornography releases the real deal. And so we have things like adrenaline, epinephrine, ACTH."

Due to our fallen nature, we will have to deal with the temptation to lust until we die. The temptation to lust will come in many forms including ungodly sexual appetites; and there are lusts, such as the lust of power, fame or position. We must rely on the power of the Holy Spirit inside us to overcome lust every day. No matter the form of lust we face, we can be assured that we have a High Priest and Advocate with the Father who "understands every weakness of ours" and "was tempted in every way that we are. But He did not sin" (Hebrews 4:15; 1 John 2:1). 1 Corinthians 6:18 says to flee sexual immorality! I can tell you that the first step in giving up porn addiction is that you have to REALLY WANT TO GIVE IT UP! Those addicted to porn need to pour out their heart to Jesus and ask Him for the power to give it up. We can't simply suppress this sin in our own strength and give it up solely in our own power.

1 Peter 5:8
Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour:

The enemy prays on our weaknesses. Anyone can fall into sin. This specific sin also has the lie in our society that's it's ok and normal. Lets go ahead and get real. What about masturbation?
Some would say it's healthy and others would say it's feeding flesh.
Our country is highly sexualized so this is just the norm.

 

[wisebeardman]

i still don't get the whole porn thing anyway. to me its pointless. but also i just ain't a sexual person anyway I ain't been touched by a female in years and I mean years.