Why can't guys and gals just tell someone that they're interested??

[lv2ski]

I've had men be flat out direct with me especially in the last few years, but I don't desire to be with those type of guys. For example I was at my sisters wedding and this guy kept talking about my behind, granted I fell down a couple days before and cracked my tailbone so I had a pillow and of course he had to stared, then I went on a date with a guy who couldn't keep his hands off of me and when I told him to stop he got hateful and talked about marriage, I had another where he offered to carry me over a puddle of water so I wouldn't slip and fall, I thought it was sweet, but in my gut I knew something wasn't quite right about that one. In truth what gets me is when I see a man and we talk for a little bit and he blushes, it's kinda sexy to me, that's when I know lol

Glad to see that you're aware of the red flags. Don't ignore them. They make movies out of experiences you're having.

You keep saying "a guy." Could I suggest knowing them past the "a guy" stage before giving them personal time. Some people aren't minute worthy.

I say this, bc men of God don't act that way, nor do they come along that often.

 

[Loveneverfails]

I agree that for some people, fear of rejection is probably the biggest reason behind not expressing interest. Even for friends-first relationships, some are scared to ruin a good friendship in the event that one person pursues and the other rejects.

My husband and I were friends for a while before we dated. I could tell he enjoyed spending time with me, and he tells me now that he could tell quite clearly that I enjoyed spending time with him. I think knowing that gave him the courage to tell me he was interested in me. I just joyfully replied that I was interested too.

I know it's not always that easy, but it doesn't always have to be complicated.

 

[lv2ski]

I agree that for some people, fear of rejection is probably the biggest reason behind not expressing interest. Even for friends-first relationships, some are scared to ruin a good friendship in the event that one person pursues and the other rejects.

My husband and I were friends for a while before we dated. I could tell he enjoyed spending time with me, and he tells me now that he could tell quite clearly that I enjoyed spending time with him. I think knowing that gave him the courage to tell me he was interested in me. I just joyfully replied that I was interested too.

I know it's not always that easy, but it doesn't always have to be complicated.

After following this post, I think I can see about the importance of having Christ fulfill our needs and insecurities, just so we 5 can act right when the time comes. He he

 

[Test_F_i_2_Luv]

Ok, I feel like I'm learning here...

How blunt does one have to be? I mean...is "You're adorable and I really enjoy your company"...enough? Or does it have to be more like..." Hey, I am interested in dating you...you game?"...

How blunt does a woman have to be? I had no idea this was a common thing. I'm pondering so many things right now.

ps...what is a "flabberdibble"?

That little bit would've worked for me, me thinks.

 

[AsifinPassing]

Why can't guys and gals just tell someone that they're interested??


What is your reason, or why do you think it's so difficult for people to do??

Also, is there a way to make it easier???


I have my own reasons: Fear of rejection, and... uh.. fear of rejection..


Inquiring minds want to know..

Google Search 'Asking someone out flowchart' and look at the images... It's kind of entertaining.

*One failed image search to add to the ocean later:

There are a number of possibilities in my case:

Possibly 1: Do you like her/value her friendship enough that losing it would still make you feel sad/a sense of loss over a year from now?

Answer 1a: If yes, strong evidence (and past experience) suggests you should abort asking her out, but you may also proceed if willing enough to suffer some more. (Hey, sometimes it's good to suffer...a little...)

Answer 1b:-> If answer 1a inapplicable ("You're just not ready..."), proceed to possibility 2.

___________________________
Possibly 2: Does she like you?

Answer 2: If verified, strong evidence suggests that asking her out will be successful. However, due to past experience, you should probably pray and see if this relationship is right/you're ready for one/God's giving you the 'green light' 'yellow light' or 'red light'.

(for those who have seen the movie...)

"Lord, please, send me a sign..."

"Oh, what's this joker doing?!"

____________________________________

So, in summery...basically...if I like her, and she likes me, and God's like "I give you my permission & my blessing.":

...then I ask her out.

 

[Ultimatum77]

Google Search 'Asking someone out flowchart' and look at the images... It's kind of entertaining.

*One failed image search to add to the ocean later:

There are a number of possibilities in my case:

Possibly 1: Do you like her/value her friendship enough that losing it would still make you feel sad/a sense of loss over a year from now?

Answer 1a: If yes, strong evidence (and past experience) suggests you should abort asking her out, but you may also proceed if willing enough to suffer some more. (Hey, sometimes it's good to suffer...a little...)

Answer 1b:-> If answer 1a inapplicable ("You're just not ready..."), proceed to possibility 2.

___________________________
Possibly 2: Does she like you?

Answer 2: If verified, strong evidence suggests that asking her out will be successful. However, due to past experience, you should probably pray and see if this relationship is right/you're ready for one/God's giving you the 'green light' 'yellow light' or 'red light'.

(for those who have seen the movie...)

"Lord, please, send me a sign..."

"Oh, what's this joker doing?!"

____________________________________

So, in summery...basically...if I like her, and she likes me, and God's like "I give you my permission & my blessing.":

...then I ask her out.

Lol, by the time you go through all these steps one may need a drink and no it's not fruit juice either lol I think just being straight up with people is the best thing.....I hate people who beat around the bush and try to act coy, just tell the girl you like her or the guy if your a girl, which is why i don't get the concept of flirting lol? It's just a time waste imo....better to either go all or nothing than just smugly stay in limbo and act stupid (which is mostly what flirting is)....if I like a girl I tell her so....if she doesn't like me oh well...life goes on Even when I was shy with girls when I was younger I never "flirted" with them b/c I considered it dumb/time waste....

 

[Sonflower]

Lol, by the time you go through all these steps one may need a drink and no it's not fruit juice either lol I think just being straight up with people is the best thing.....I hate people who beat around the bush and try to act coy, just tell the girl you like her or the guy if your a girl, which is why i don't get the concept of flirting lol? It's just a time waste imo....better to either go all or nothing than just smugly stay in limbo and act stupid (which is mostly what flirting is)....if I like a girl I tell her so....if she doesn't like me oh well...life goes on Even when I was shy with girls when I was younger I never "flirted" with them b/c I considered it dumb/time waste....

But you're missing out on so much fun...flirting is super fun. And flirting isn't just this limbo stage you speak of. (Smug? It's usually not smugness that keeps one in this stage. It's fear of hurt or rejection) One can flirt with their bf or gf or spouse. That's when it's most fun...

 

[Fenner]

i think it's important to flirt with your spouse or significant other. I don't mean all the time. My Husband and I have this thing that who can flirt the best when looking gross or in awkward situations. One time my Daughter asked me to put lipstick on her, I did then I said, watch this. So I put this ridiculous amount of makeup on and put the lipstick on my lips and above my lips. I had my hair pulled up in this crazy pony tail thing a d had my Mickey PJS on. He was watching television and I came in the room and said, well, hello there. That made him laugh. Another time I was really sick with a sinus infection in bed and I looked awful. He came in the room and I said, Hi ha handsome, don't I look pretty? That made him laugh too. It's fun to do that stuff.

 

[Ultimatum77]

But you're missing out on so much fun...flirting is super fun. And flirting isn't just this limbo stage you speak of. (Smug? It's usually not smugness that keeps one in this stage. It's fear of hurt or rejection) One can flirt with their bf or gf or spouse. That's when it's most fun...

See, but that's my point, it's fine after an established relationship but before an established relationship it leads to misunderstandings/awkwardness and just a whole lot of emotional nonsense imo.... I'm cool with flirting with your s.o or spouse but if your just friends it can lead to a whole lot of misunderstanding....it's best to just be transparent and if you're interested let the other know point blank and not make a emotional game out of it imo..

 

[Fenner]

See, but that's my point, it's fine after an established relationship but before an established relationship it leads to misunderstandings/awkwardness and just a whole lot of emotional nonsense imo.... I'm cool with flirting with your s.o or spouse but if your just friends it can lead to a whole lot of misunderstanding....it's best to just be transparent and if you're interested let the other know point blank and not make a emotional game out of it imo..

I agree but unfortunately not everyone has the confidence to be bold. I wish people were more upfront when it came to feelings, even in a relationship you may have one person that isn't sharing how they really feel and that can lead to problems. I think it's harder for men to express how much they care. I know many express with doing things for someone and I think women need it vocalized more. I've done the whole what are you thinking? Thing, I've driven Dave nuts with that at times. He will say, I am thinking how I'd like to watch Jeopardy and cool off and I believe him. I can't shut myself off and go back to it when something is bugging me. I wish I had a switch that would switch that off it can be rather annoying.

 

[lv2ski]

See, but that's my point, it's fine after an established relationship but before an established relationship it leads to misunderstandings/awkwardness and just a whole lot of emotional nonsense imo.... I'm cool with flirting with your s.o or spouse but if your just friends it can lead to a whole lot of misunderstanding....it's best to just be transparent and if you're interested let the other know point blank and not make a emotional game out of it imo..

Yes, I agree,with the exception of the fact that women seem to always want us to figure them out, or know what they're thinking by giving clues. It makes them feel known. And I think even attractive, I think.

But I agree, the flirts out there send a lot of false signals! And cause all kinds of trouble with their games. I think people like that are just insecure.

 

[Sonflower]

Yes, I agree,with the exception of the fact that women seem to always want us to figure them out, or know what they're thinking by giving clues. It makes them feel known. And I think even attractive, I think.

But I agree, the flirts out there send a lot of false signals! And cause all kinds of trouble with their games. I think people like that are just insecure.

See, not all women "want you to figure them out" nor does it "make us feel known" or "attractive". This is actually one of my hot buttons. I am not like that at all. I'm pretty sure on this thread I mentioned how I don't like those types of games. Men shouldn't have to guess or figure me out. It's not fair to do that to another person. Many of us women can have a healthy outlook on this sort of thing in a relationship. If I'm unhappy or offended, you'll know. If I want you to spend time with me, you'll know. And if I don't tell you, I have no right to be upset you didn't guess correctly.

 

[jsr1221]

See, not all women "want you to figure them out" nor does it "make us feel known" or "attractive". This is actually one of my hot buttons. I am not like that at all. I'm pretty sure on this thread I mentioned how I don't like those types of games. Men shouldn't have to guess or figure me out. It's not fair to do that to another person. Many of us women can have a healthy outlook on this sort of thing in a relationship. If I'm unhappy or offended, you'll know. If I want you to spend time with me, you'll know. And if I don't tell you, I have no right to be upset you didn't guess correctly.

A lot of women say this but these are the same women that are still playing the "I'm fine" and "nevermind" type of game.

 

[Fenner]

I'm pretty direct with that stuff too. I wasn't always, although I hard time figuring out if someone was just being nice or flirting. There came a point in my life I felt had to make it clear that if I were going to enter into a relationship that I was eventually looking to get married and I wanted children. I played the waiting game twice, one lasted almost 3 years I got so frustrated and tired of hearing, just give me time that I had run out of patience. I didn't tell anyone on the first date but it came up fairly quickly that if I'm investing time and giving of myself that I wasn't going to be waiting around forever. If it was right, it was right and I wanted marriage and a family. If that's not what they wanted in the long term then be up front. I know that's not a guarantee but at least let me know if we have the same eventual goal in mind and it's not going to be year's from now. Of course I was at an age and the guy's I usually dated were at the age that if you wanted children and a family it couldn't be 20 year's from now.

 

[Sonflower]

A lot of women say this but these are the same women that are still playing the "I'm fine" and "nevermind" type of game.

I'm not saying there are never women out there that do this. There are quite a few that do. I'm saying I'm not one of them and know many mature women who do not play those games. I think it's about a maturity level. The more mature in Christ you are, the less like the stereotype we become. Men have their own stereotypes and I try not to put all men in a box because of it. The Christlike ones have matured past a lot of those things.

 

[lv2ski]

See, not all women "want you to figure them out" nor does it "make us feel known" or "attractive". This is actually one of my hot buttons. I am not like that at all. I'm pretty sure on this thread I mentioned how I don't like those types of games. Men shouldn't have to guess or figure me out. It's not fair to do that to another person. Many of us women can have a healthy outlook on this sort of thing in a relationship. If I'm unhappy or offended, you'll know. If I want you to spend time with me, you'll know. And if I don't tell you, I have no right to be upset you didn't guess correctly.

Cool your buttons Sister....
Notice words "seem"/ I think.

I've learned this in marriage conferences and even bible studies. While I commend you for being straightforward as a woman and I certainly wasn't thinking of you or the many others who don't. But it does seem to be true with many of your counterparts.

As a side note, I was married to that kind of thinking for 10 years! I have heard many men say the same kind of thing and a plethora of women tell us how clueless men are. That we don't get anything.

I wasn't aiming that at you. However it is very common.

A woman who keeps herself healthy emotionally and spiritually is giving a gift that is priceless in our society. And accurate signals is certainly part of that.

 

[jsr1221]

I'm not saying there are never women out there that do this. There are quite a few that do. I'm saying I'm not one of them and know many mature women who do not play those games. I think it's about a maturity level. The more mature in Christ you are, the less like the stereotype we become. Men have their own stereotypes and I try not to put all men in a box because of it. The Christlike ones have matured past a lot of those things.

I've met women that have a deep relationship with Christ yet still do this. I don't necessarily think this is solely a maturity issue. Part of it is just a gender thing. There's always an exception to the rule. But the exception isn't strong enough to change the norm.

 

[lv2ski]

I'm pretty direct with that stuff too. I wasn't always, although I hard time figuring out if someone was just being nice or flirting. There came a point in my life I felt had to make it clear that if I were going to enter into a relationship that I was eventually looking to get married and I wanted children. I played the waiting game twice, one lasted almost 3 years I got so frustrated and tired of hearing, just give me time that I had run out of patience. I didn't tell anyone on the first date but it came up fairly quickly that if I'm investing time and giving of myself that I wasn't going to be waiting around forever. If it was right, it was right and I wanted marriage and a family. If that's not what they wanted in the long term then be up front. I know that's not a guarantee but at least let me know if we have the same eventual goal in mind and it's not going to be year's from now. Of course I was at an age and the guy's I usually dated were at the age that if you wanted children and a family it couldn't be 20 year's from now.

Bam....too many love games! This is why sex cannot be part of dating. It and people get used.

 

[Sonflower]

Cool your buttons Sister....
Notice words "seem"/ I think.

I've learned this in marriage conferences and even bible studies. While I commend you for being straightforward as a woman and I certainly wasn't thinking of you or the many others who don't. But it does seem to be true with many of your counterparts.

As a side note, I was married to that kind of thinking for 10 years! I have heard many men say the same kind of thing and a plethora of women tell us how clueless men are. That we don't get anything.

I wasn't aiming that at you. However it is very common.

A woman who keeps herself healthy emotionally and spiritually is giving a gift that is priceless in our society. And accurate signals is certainly part of that.

I didn't feel you directed your statements towards me, specifically. It seemed directed towards women in general, and I happen to be one of those. .

In going into a relationship, I think throwing stereotypes on each other isn't productive. I wish we all could go into relationships with the idea that this person is a blank canvas and let who they are paint the picture instead of what society tells us they should be.

And I did notice the words "seem/I think" I was simply responding. You say it "seems" this way and I responded this isn't how it "is" with me. I am my best experience. I can't speak for all other women. Just the ones I know...and myself.

 

[jsr1221]

But you're missing out on so much fun...flirting is super fun. And flirting isn't just this limbo stage you speak of. (Smug? It's usually not smugness that keeps one in this stage. It's fear of hurt or rejection) One can flirt with their bf or gf or spouse. That's when it's most fun...

Isn't flirting with someone a sign that you're interested? It's not super fun if you're flirting with just a friend, and said friend might mistake for something more than just "harmless fun". Is it fun if it turns the friendship awkward because said person gained confidence to ask the flirter out, and the flirter said no?