Girls would you give a guy a chance that struggles with porn as a boyfriend?
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Hi DeepDistress,
Welcome to CC! You'll find many caring people here who really do want to help.
I just wanted to make an observation from my own experiences (as they're the only ones I can speak from). The problem I've found with those who are struggling with issues and looking for people who don't judge and show the love of God is that what they are often really looking for is an enabler, and not someone who is going to truly stand up to them in the face of change.
I met a guy on a dating site once who was addicted to weekend hookups. He traveled a lot for business and would always look up local escort services and/or websites for such purposes. Like anyone else, he wanted someone caring, loving, understanding, and nonjudgmental, and that's why he was on a Christian dating sit (he was raised as a lifelong Christian as well.)
But what he really wanted was someone who would look the other way, but forgive him and adore him when he finally made it home.
I had another situation in which I tried to help someone I cared about with a bill, and he lied to me and used it for drugs. Although I was furious, I had it in my heart to forgive him and keep on trying to help. That is, until his Christian circle of friends (all adults old enough to be my parents) told me things such as, "Oh, he didn't really mean it," "He's been through so much," "He's just really hurting right now," and, "I don't even think he really did that."
I realized that this person was surrounded by an entire entourage of Christian people who were not only sweeping everything he did under the rug, but giving him big hugs and excuses to go with it.
In fact, he even told me, "I thought you'd just forgive me (with an implied, 'just like everyone else does')", and for me, that was the final straw.
I've learned that in many cases, the best help you can give someone is from a distance. And when it comes to real help with most issues, it's most often going to come in a way that the addicted/troubled person does not want to hear or accept.
I know the people who helped me most with my own issues... are also the ones who stood up to me most, and were able to balance both love and are refusal to enable my own self-pity.
P.S. I'm not saying in any way that you are looking for an enabler.
I'm just saying that I used to be wide-eyed and wanted to give everyone a chance. Time and experience has taught me that it's much wiser to be a bit more discerning.
Welcome to CC! You'll find many caring people here who really do want to help.
I just wanted to make an observation from my own experiences (as they're the only ones I can speak from). The problem I've found with those who are struggling with issues and looking for people who don't judge and show the love of God is that what they are often really looking for is an enabler, and not someone who is going to truly stand up to them in the face of change.
I met a guy on a dating site once who was addicted to weekend hookups. He traveled a lot for business and would always look up local escort services and/or websites for such purposes. Like anyone else, he wanted someone caring, loving, understanding, and nonjudgmental, and that's why he was on a Christian dating sit (he was raised as a lifelong Christian as well.)
But what he really wanted was someone who would look the other way, but forgive him and adore him when he finally made it home.
I had another situation in which I tried to help someone I cared about with a bill, and he lied to me and used it for drugs. Although I was furious, I had it in my heart to forgive him and keep on trying to help. That is, until his Christian circle of friends (all adults old enough to be my parents) told me things such as, "Oh, he didn't really mean it," "He's been through so much," "He's just really hurting right now," and, "I don't even think he really did that."
I realized that this person was surrounded by an entire entourage of Christian people who were not only sweeping everything he did under the rug, but giving him big hugs and excuses to go with it.
In fact, he even told me, "I thought you'd just forgive me (with an implied, 'just like everyone else does')", and for me, that was the final straw.
I've learned that in many cases, the best help you can give someone is from a distance. And when it comes to real help with most issues, it's most often going to come in a way that the addicted/troubled person does not want to hear or accept.
I know the people who helped me most with my own issues... are also the ones who stood up to me most, and were able to balance both love and are refusal to enable my own self-pity.
P.S. I'm not saying in any way that you are looking for an enabler.
I'm just saying that I used to be wide-eyed and wanted to give everyone a chance. Time and experience has taught me that it's much wiser to be a bit more discerning.
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So because you struggle with something it has to be 24/7 every waking moment focus on it thing? Thats insane. And to truly get over something like a porn addiction it takes time as well to prove your over it. When your an adult in a relationship you prioritize and Ccmpartmentalize things. Just like you make time for work, you make time for god, you make time for family etc.
And what if he slaps down all your attempts to love, support and help him through it? Totally pushes you away and basically tells you to fly off and he doesn't need your help? Or even worse, what if he totally hid it from you, and you discover kiddy porn (example) on his phone or computer? You're totally blindsided and he insists that it's not a problem, he can stop anytime he wants. Obviously not, if it's on all his media devices AND he's viewing it 24-7 around the clock. How will your love, support and help be of any use to him if he completely closes you out? As in, refuses all help, all advice, and support and won't talk about it or seek help.
If someone was upfront and honest and said that something is a struggle, that's not being in denial. Being in denial is thinking you don't have a problem. If someone admits there's a problem, that person more often than not goes and gets help. An addict doesn't just say "Yeah, I have a problem. But you know what? I'm just not going to do anything about it". How does one hide something if the person brings it to the forefront at the beginning? Your scenario doesn't make sense with the situation that was provided. You're projecting a situation that may have happened to you or someone you know onto every other person, when every situation is totally different.
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When you're talking about an ADDICTION...yes. Basically its 24/7. Can you be in a relationship and get help, yes but it makes it more difficult. I honestly believe that it is impossible to be in a healthy, Godly, and pure relationship while addicted to pornography. Sexual addiction has a way of owning a person. You can't just shut it off and be in a healthy relationship. At least I couldn't.
Been there. Done that. Almost ruined three lives.
Been there. Done that. Almost ruined three lives.
I think anyone who asks this also has to flip it around and ask how they would feel in the reverse situation.
Would you give a girl who struggled with being turned on by images/videos of other countless other men and their bodies to the most intimate degree, would you give her a chance at being your girlfriend?
Would you give a girl who struggled with being turned on by images/videos of other countless other men and their bodies to the most intimate degree, would you give her a chance at being your girlfriend?
You tickle me. NO, I'm not. He has a choice, and if he chickens out, it affects me as much as it does him. (Some) addicts don't want help, or they're too embarassed to admit they have an addiction. Once again, like Willie said, it's selfish and unfair of that person to put the other in that position. Get help for the addiction BEFORE we get into a relationship..
U
This whole thing of struggle verses addiction is just bs.....b/c the lines between both get blurred and the root cause of it is perverted lust. Yes it is natural to lust after the opposite sex b/c that's how God made human beings but he also said to have self-control (that's why it's the greatest fruit of the spirit b/c it's the hardest to do 
Porn is a lack of self-control and feeding a demon of lust that will take over your mind and soul so that you will be consumed by it. It takes your natural desire and blows it up so big that it will swallow your whole life and everything you do will be to feed that demon/quench it's lustful thirst...This has no place in a relationship and any woman worth anything would not allow a man to continue to dabble in such harmful behavior both to himself and indirectly against her ( by lowering her self-worth compared to the image he watches on the screen/magazine).....If a guy is addicted to porn the best thing is to distance/separate for a while until he gets victory over his addiction. When a woman is close by and he struggles with porn he will be thinking unclean thoughts and no woman should want to be with a man with an unclean mind/soul...it leads to acting out on his "impulses" derived from his porn habit.....
If he can stay clean for at least 3 months, then i would consider getting back together but it needs to be an extended time frame like for drug addicts to prove they have some self-control and are not dominated by porn.....
Porn is a lack of self-control and feeding a demon of lust that will take over your mind and soul so that you will be consumed by it. It takes your natural desire and blows it up so big that it will swallow your whole life and everything you do will be to feed that demon/quench it's lustful thirst...This has no place in a relationship and any woman worth anything would not allow a man to continue to dabble in such harmful behavior both to himself and indirectly against her ( by lowering her self-worth compared to the image he watches on the screen/magazine).....If a guy is addicted to porn the best thing is to distance/separate for a while until he gets victory over his addiction. When a woman is close by and he struggles with porn he will be thinking unclean thoughts and no woman should want to be with a man with an unclean mind/soul...it leads to acting out on his "impulses" derived from his porn habit.....
If he can stay clean for at least 3 months, then i would consider getting back together but it needs to be an extended time frame like for drug addicts to prove they have some self-control and are not dominated by porn.....