It isn't that I don't have a desire for a mate. I'm just trying to be realistic. Women don't want me, and I can't blame them. I'm probably ugly to look at, and my personality isn't what they desire. Not to mention my mental and physical problems too. It seems to me that nobody really cares about honesty, and loyalty. People want a lot of flash! Something that makes them feel good. If they feel good enough then they might think they are in love or something... But I think, after 19 Plus years of hoping, it's time to give up on that hope. I recently wrote a poem called "I am the rejected one: Jesus Please take me home". There is a couple of ideas going on here. I said as an explanation: This poem is inspired by 42 years of rejection by my pears. That's true! I always had a hard time fitting in. But all this rejection I've been feeling from the internet, and work. Plus I don't feel like I'm useful to Jesus, and I'm not sure just how much longer I'm going to be useful to my parents too. I wish Jesus would just call me home.
I don't have the poem anymore. But last year, I was thinking about this stuff, and maybe a little more. I wrote a poem about it. I sorta took and a Calvinistic approach of "Jacob I loved, but Esau I hated". Then I applied it to myself, and said "I'm rejected from birth, I have no worth." Probably the saddest and maybe even the most disturbing poem I have ever written. I tried sharing it with a few people in real life and then i ripped it up and threw it away.
I just wanted to put this out there, publicly, that I gave up on finding a mate.