Why Are So Many Christians Still Single?

[Churchgoer]

It might be binary for men but not so much for women. If a woman requests to be friends she might just be saying that she wants more time to get to know you without the pressure of a serious relationship.

Plus, women tend to value men's input and presence, so simply spending time with a man we value is not considered a waste of time. But it's rare to find a man who feels the same way about women: its just as you described if she doesn't want to date him then he doesn't want to waste time on her.

But what I'm asking is..... how SHOULD a woman tell a man that she values his presence but does not want to date him? You've expressed your displeasure with "let's be friends", but what would you want the lady to say instead? Just a flat "No, not interested?"

I promise I'm not being sarcastic here, I find this topic a bit puzzling and I want to understand the male perspective better. Is it taken as insulting if a woman implies that you might be willing to talk to her even if she doesn't want to date you?

I would say she is willing to build friendship with you, but not engaged to you.

When she is comfortable with you, then can talk about serious dating toward marriage. Pastoral counciling kick in at this stage.

If it is just friendship stage, no need to bring church counciling.

 

[Dustin240]

It might be binary for men but not so much for women. If a woman requests to be friends she might just be saying that she wants more time to get to know you without the pressure of a serious relationship.

Plus, women tend to value men's input and presence, so simply spending time with a man we value is not considered a waste of time. But it's rare to find a man who feels the same way about women: its just as you described if she doesn't want to date him then he doesn't want to waste time on her.

But what I'm asking is..... how SHOULD a woman tell a man that she values his presence but does not want to date him? You've expressed your displeasure with "let's be friends", but what would you want the lady to say instead? Just a flat "No, not interested?"

I promise I'm not being sarcastic here, I find this topic a bit puzzling and I want to understand the male perspective better. Is it taken as insulting if a woman implies that you might be willing to talk to her even if she doesn't want to date you?

Yes, we DO want the blunt honesty. I have spent all sorts of time trying to get to know women to find out if they're the kind of woman I would be interested in building something with, and literally all I get is "I only see you as a friend". I don't go on to dating sites to meet women I'm not interested in dating. Last time I got that line, I simply said "that's not an option available". At least she respected it and didn't try to change my mind on the matter.

 

[RodColeman]

It might be binary for men but not so much for women. If a woman requests to be friends she might just be saying that she wants more time to get to know you without the pressure of a serious relationship.

Plus, women tend to value men's input and presence, so simply spending time with a man we value is not considered a waste of time. But it's rare to find a man who feels the same way about women: its just as you described if she doesn't want to date him then he doesn't want to waste time on her.

But what I'm asking is..... how SHOULD a woman tell a man that she values his presence but does not want to date him? You've expressed your displeasure with "let's be friends", but what would you want the lady to say instead? Just a flat "No, not interested?"

I promise I'm not being sarcastic here, I find this topic a bit puzzling and I want to understand the male perspective better. Is it taken as insulting if a woman implies that you might be willing to talk to her even if she doesn't want to date you?

Of course, I can't speak for all men. But if a woman I was interested in told me that she wanted to keep talking to me after rejecting me, I would not be insulted. I would just be confused.

Guy-girl friendships work best in group settings. And I've even stayed friends with girls who've rejected me, but these friendships are also best for group settings. One-on-one friendships between young-adult or adult single men and single women don't really work well, in my opinion. Somebody has feelings for the other, but the other person doesn't feel the same way. And yet somebody still wants to "stay friends" even though the other person wants more than that. So neither of you are on the same page.

It's confusing and awkward, and confusion is not good. Any kind of relationship requires humility, honesty, integrity and effective communication. Guy-girl friendships where only one person has romantic interest, and that person still hoping for some kind next-t--impossible second chance, are not a good place to be.

When I was younger, at least in my experience, there were some times when I really was friends with the girl before I decided I wanted to date her. But as you get older, I think this is less likely.

A lot of the time, when a guy likes a woman, he thinks that the next step is to start being "nice" to her. We offer to help out with stuff. We might even start buying her gifts (yikes) For some reason, we think the right thing to do is to "get to know her as a friend" first (sometimes I've even gotten advice from other people that this is The Proper Christian Way To Do Things) It seems "safer" and less "threatening." However, befriending someone in order to get them to like you is called "manipulation," isn't it?

I think a lot of women know this. Some of them are annoyed or even mad about it, I'm sure.

If you want to date someone and they say that they want to be "just friends," just say no. A guy shouldn't feel like he has some sort of "responsibility" to be friends with every girl he's liked or been on a date with.

How does one get our of the friend-zone with a particular person? it's pretty simple. Just stop doing it. There’s an extremely unlikely chance that it might eventually make you more attractive to her, but that can’t even be the goal.

The whole "friends first" thing is just a safety measure. It basically means, “I want to lessen the pressure on this situation.” It can also mean, “I'm not attracted to you but I’m not good at saying no to people, so I’ll say this instead.” It does not mean they want to be “just friends” for a while and will be attracted to you later.

Back when I was on dating apps, I would occasionally see profiles from women who said in their bio that they wanted to be friends first. I just found that confusing.

A lot of times we'll have that one person we like who we're convinced is The One or The Perfect Match. This is not good. That’s called an "idol." The idea is that if I can just get this or that, things will be right. Um, no.

It's also bad because crushes any hope of actually dating that person because you end up caring too much, which in turn makes you unattractive. It also keeps you from seeing other potential people around you, because you are so focused on that one person.

it doesn't really matter how hot they are, how much you like them, how perfect you would be together, there will always be someone else. To have a chance you have to keep this in mind, otherwise every time that you meet someone you like you’ll try too hard, push too much and/or not know when/if to walk away. But if you know there will be someone else, then you can relax and be yourself because if it doesn’t work out....well, there'll be someone else.

If you're old, if you've been single for a long time, and if you're tired of being single ── there will always be someone else. It might sound kind of cold, but it does help you deal with your fears after you get rejected, in my experience.

 

[tourist]

Yes, I HAVE saved myself.

That's a good report for sure. Stay the course.

 

[tourist]

If both very attractive to each other, yes maybe.

But non attractive in long run can still develop into marriage with solid foundations. So for non attractive people, it takes longer in friend zone.

I have observed people rush into marriage usually need some side benefits, I am not against all the side benefits. Yes marriage should bring in many side benefits.

However for single people already have side benefits blessed by God, they usually take a long time to settle, or just stay single.

Based on my observations I would say that I concur with you in the non-attractive in the long run statement. Seen some real solid marriages that started out with 'non-attractive' peeps, especially if the solid foundation was based on God.

 

[tourist]

When I was younger, at least in my experience, there were some times when I really was friends with the girl before I decided I wanted to date her. But as you get older, I think this is less likely.

I believe that it is less likely too.

 

[Churchgoer]

Of course, I can't speak for all men. But if a woman I was interested in told me that she wanted to keep talking to me after rejecting me, I would not be insulted. I would just be confused.

Guy-girl friendships work best in group settings. And I've even stayed friends with girls who've rejected me, but these friendships are also best for group settings. One-on-one friendships between young-adult or adult single men and single women don't really work well, in my opinion. Somebody has feelings for the other, but the other person doesn't feel the same way. And yet somebody still wants to "stay friends" even though the other person wants more than that. So neither of you are on the same page.

It's confusing and awkward, and confusion is not good. Any kind of relationship requires humility, honesty, integrity and effective communication. Guy-girl friendships where only one person has romantic interest, and that person still hoping for some kind next-t--impossible second chance, are not a good place to be.

When I was younger, at least in my experience, there were some times when I really was friends with the girl before I decided I wanted to date her. But as you get older, I think this is less likely.

A lot of the time, when a guy likes a woman, he thinks that the next step is to start being "nice" to her. We offer to help out with stuff. We might even start buying her gifts (yikes) For some reason, we think the right thing to do is to "get to know her as a friend" first (sometimes I've even gotten advice from other people that this is The Proper Christian Way To Do Things) It seems "safer" and less "threatening." However, befriending someone in order to get them to like you is called "manipulation," isn't it?

I think a lot of women know this. Some of them are annoyed or even mad about it, I'm sure.

If you want to date someone and they say that they want to be "just friends," just say no. A guy shouldn't feel like he has some sort of "responsibility" to be friends with every girl he's liked or been on a date with.

How does one get our of the friend-zone with a particular person? it's pretty simple. Just stop doing it. There’s an extremely unlikely chance that it might eventually make you more attractive to her, but that can’t even be the goal.

The whole "friends first" thing is just a safety measure. It basically means, “I want to lessen the pressure on this situation.” It can also mean, “I'm not attracted to you but I’m not good at saying no to people, so I’ll say this instead.” It does not mean they want to be “just friends” for a while and will be attracted to you later.

Back when I was on dating apps, I would occasionally see profiles from women who said in their bio that they wanted to be friends first. I just found that confusing.

A lot of times we'll have that one person we like who we're convinced is The One or The Perfect Match. This is not good. That’s called an "idol." The idea is that if I can just get this or that, things will be right. Um, no.

It's also bad because crushes any hope of actually dating that person because you end up caring too much, which in turn makes you unattractive. It also keeps you from seeing other potential people around you, because you are so focused on that one person.

it doesn't really matter how hot they are, how much you like them, how perfect you would be together, there will always be someone else. To have a chance you have to keep this in mind, otherwise every time that you meet someone you like you’ll try too hard, push too much and/or not know when/if to walk away. But if you know there will be someone else, then you can relax and be yourself because if it doesn’t work out....well, there'll be someone else.

If you're old, if you've been single for a long time, and if you're tired of being single ── there will always be someone else. It might sound kind of cold, but it does help you deal with your fears after you get rejected, in my experience.

Group setting, yes that's the key.

You can also give a time limit. Be open at the very beginning, give a period of time, then ask the girl if you and her can consider exclusive dating, meaning dating towards marriage. If your time is up and she does not say yes, then you can decide to let go.
Who knows after some time if both of you still single, you can give 2nd try. She might like you more after she sees other guys and compared.
Be positive, be open, be honest. I think that's the key. Also prepare self in life to be ready, such as health, living, finance, social skill.....