Why am I having so much of a problem getting a good Christian girlfriend?

dothackzero · Jul 22, 2009

You do make some good points, Baptist. Also, how many people are truly prepared for the difficulties of marriage right out of their teen years? There's a lot of growing up that takes place after that. I know that some people make it work, but many more don't make it.

As for why, only God knows why for certain, dothackzero. He has a plan for each of us, and He only lets us in on it one step at a time. I know that there are many things that leave me scratching my head, wondering "What purpose did this serve?", but eventually all of the pieces will fit together like a puzzle. It can be frustrating, especially as you watch people around you date, marry, and have families. But you have to remember that you're not the only one in this situation. And it may be that the reason why you haven't found someone yet is because you're too focused on it. It's more important to seek God first. Even Jesus tells us that in Matthew 6. Seek God first, and He will take care of you. If you're too focused on dating, then God isn't first in your life. And if God isn't first in your life, then you're just not ready.

Try not to get frustrated. I think the statistics are that 96% of people get married at least one time. And, I wouldn't be surprised if the other 4% that statistic includes people living in alternative lifestyles, priests, nuns, monks, and the occasional man-child who is still 40 and lives in his parents' basement because he refuses to grow up and get a job.

I'll be 25 in October, and I have also never been kissed. I had a boyfriend for about a month, just recently back in May (my first and only boyfriend, unless you count having a "boyfriend" when I was 10 years old - and he moved away three months later). We prayed about it, and gave it a chance, but there were no romantic feelings there and we just didn't have much in common. So, besides talking and getting to know each other and going on a few dates, I'm in the same boat as many of you.

So, besides a brief spell of dating, my love life has also been non-existant. But I've always felt like getting married and being a mother was going to be a big part of my life, and considering my situation, I prayed and asked God that if it wasn't meant to be, to remove the desire from my heart. God has, I believe, shown me that I am meant to marry, and not to give up on it. But I needed to shift focus because it was too important to me, and I now focus on Him (and I'm not perfect, but rather a work in progress), and it doesn't bother me anymore. Sure, I hope to meet the person God has for me soon, but the time that I am single God is able to use me in other ways, and I'm able to be comfortable with just being myself and having my own interests, and not worrying what anyone else thinks.

In the end, it just works out better to let our Father arrange our marriages. Besides, very few arranged marriages end in divorce.

I know, I'm trying to put God 1st put it's hard sometimes...

Avoca1 · Jul 23, 2009

Girls do not like nice guys. Be corky and funny. Make fun of them in a nice way. Be different from other guys. Try this next time you see a girl ask her why she is staring at you. Tell her not to be shy you are just an underwear model

Avoca1 · Jul 23, 2009

Are you their shrink

seoulsearch · Jul 23, 2009

Avoca1 said:

MusicalMe had a great thread called Nice Guys Finish Last? a while back which talked about this subject in depth if you're interested...

seoulsearch · Jul 23, 2009

Baptistrw said:

And believe me, Baptist--we single women appreciate you pointing this out because if we women try to say something (such as, if a man wants a wife and family... ok, great, but... How are you going to support them? Because the Bible says a man should provide for a family--so, as a man what are you doing to prepare yourself to pay for a wife and children? And if you're not preparing... maybe that's why God still has you in the single zone), we just get into trouble. This is NOT to say a woman shouldn't be doing the same--some women hang out in malls or talk on the phone all day and that's not doing what's needed to prepare for being a Godly wife and mother--but if we women say a man needs to have a good job and pay bills and be responsible... we get called materialistic... superficial...gold diggers... only worried about money, etc. No... we just want a man who can handle real life! And you are completely right, sitting at home watching movies, playing video games, (or, from the female perspective, shopping all day), isn't going to cut it. After seeing several threads here about "What are you looking for in someone?" I tried posting a thread that basically asked, "Ok, here's the reverse--what do you have to offer someone and why would they want to marry you?"; I was surprised that so few answered... many said they had nothing to offer. Part of it could be low self-esteem... and maybe part of it is God saying, "If you don't feel you have anything to offer someone, why are you complaining about being single? Get cracking and start allowing me to help you grow into someone with a lot to offer." This includes me as well!!! I'm in that painful growing process along with everyone else.

UgaDawg86 · Jul 23, 2009

i need a good christian girlfriend but havent found one yet either. i feel ur pain man.

SamIam · Jul 23, 2009

thats because guys are to picky... there are lots of christian girls out there...................

Avoca1 · Jul 23, 2009

seoulsearch said:

And believe me, Baptist--we single women appreciate you pointing this out because if we women try to say something (such as, if a man wants a wife and family... ok, great, but... How are you going to support them? Because the Bible says a man should provide for a family--so, as a man what are you doing to prepare yourself to pay for a wife and children? And if you're not preparing... maybe that's why God still has you in the single zone), we just get into trouble. This is NOT to say a woman shouldn't be doing the same--some women hang out in malls or talk on the phone all day and that's not doing what's needed to prepare for being a Godly wife and mother--but if we women say a man needs to have a good job and pay bills and be responsible... we get called materialistic... superficial...gold diggers... only worried about money, etc. No... we just want a man who can handle real life! And you are completely right, sitting at home watching movies, playing video games, (or, from the female perspective, shopping all day), isn't going to cut it. After seeing several threads here about "What are you looking for in someone?" I tried posting a thread that basically asked, "Ok, here's the reverse--what do you have to offer someone and why would they want to marry you?"; I was surprised that so few answered... many said they had nothing to offer. Part of it could be low self-esteem... and maybe part of it is God saying, "If you don't feel you have anything to offer someone, why are you complaining about being single? Get cracking and start allowing me to help you grow into someone with a lot to offer." This includes me as well!!! I'm in that painful growing process along with everyone else.

You are a gold digger

ariannaaa · Jul 23, 2009

Avoca1 said:

Shes not a golddigger, avoca. She just wants a man who can provide for his family. Thats a biblical role that she is looking for, nothing wrong with it.

Avoca1 · Jul 23, 2009

I guess i read between the lines on her posting. she sounds like a golddigger to me. Most christian guys I know can provide for their families.

Jennifleur · Jul 23, 2009

dothackzero said:

I think we all understand how hard it is to put God first, because there are so many distractions in this world, so many other things that we'd prefer to put God first. But one way to think about it, that helps, is that anything you put before God is an idol, including the desire to have a girlfriend/boyfriend. But, like anything else, you just have to keep trying. When we try to overcome sin, or even just change certain habits, you have to take it one day at a time. And there will be times where you fail, but you just have to refocus your priorities again. We're all works in progress, and God understands that. We just have to make sure that we're giving Him the opportunity to mold us. He's got a plan, and you just have to trust that. Is that frustrating? At times, yes.

But He has surprises for our future as well. And He promises to give us good gifts, for no other reason than He loves us.

What I'd suggest doing is praying to make God your priority, and to give you direction on His will for your life. The time you are single allows you to pursue your own interests, and most importantly to grow spiritually so that when God sees that you are ready for a serious relationship that will lead to marriage, you will be ready to be the spiritual head of your future household. It's a big responsibility, one that far too many take lightly.

Just remember, take it one day at a time, and pray about it every day. Maybe God wants to get you involved in other things, ministries at your church or in your area. That would allow you to grow spiritually, and also put you in the position to meet that special person when God is ready to send her along.

Jennifleur · Jul 23, 2009

Avoca1 said:

Then you misread what she wrote. Her point was that a lot of younger men (and women, as she pointed out) spend so much time worrying about where their future spouse is, and when they're going to come along. But few of them are actually prepared for the responsibility of marriage. In your early 20's, for some, their priorities are having fun rather than being mature and fiscally responsible. And if a guy had a minimum-wage job that he worked at part time, and he spent the rest of his time playing games and just goofing off, then from my perspective, he doesn't appear ready for a serious relationship. He's just looking for fun.

In the same respect, any girl that is spending her time shopping and is fiscally irresponsible is also not ready for marriage. I wouldn't expect any self-respecting guy who works hard to earn a living to want a wife who will run him into the ground, expecting him to support her ridiculous spending habits. And it would also show that she is not ready for her role as a wife and mother. That role requires being self-less, making sacrifices, and putting others before yourself. Children are needy, whiney much of the time, and require a lot of your attention. On top of that, both spouses will have household responsibilities and will need to be their for each other physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It is a huge responsibility.

Most women are not gold diggers. They want to be provided for, to have a home and to make sure that they and their children will be taken care of. But for those men who work 60+ hours a week to make more money for fancy things, if you talk to their wives most of them would tell you that they'd gladly give up on the fancier things to have him home more. Because all the money in the world is worthless with an absent spouse. Kim was not saying that all Christian men or even most have a problem providing for their families. What she WAS saying was that if it appears to a woman that a guy's priorities are not preparing for that responsibility, but rather to have fun instead, and the woman is ready for a serious relationship that will lead to marriage, then she will pass the guy up. And I would hope that the guys would pass up any girl who is self-absorbed, immature, and wasteful - any girl like that is also not ready for a real relationship.

Silex · Jul 23, 2009

Jennifleur said:

What???? What does this have to do with helping the guy with his problem of not getting a girlfriend??? He's only 20! What girl in her right mind would expect a 20-yr old guy to have a good paying job???? A 20-yr old college student should try to have as much fun as possible and not be too concerned about being able to provide for a future family. And looking at his goals about being a game programmer, it seems that he is in fact preparing for a financially secure future.

Avoca1 · Jul 23, 2009

Jennifleur said:

Then you misread what she wrote. Her point was that a lot of younger men (and women, as she pointed out) spend so much time worrying about where their future spouse is, and when they're going to come along. But few of them are actually prepared for the responsibility of marriage. In your early 20's, for some, their priorities are having fun rather than being mature and fiscally responsible. And if a guy had a minimum-wage job that he worked at part time, and he spent the rest of his time playing games and just goofing off, then from my perspective, he doesn't appear ready for a serious relationship. He's just looking for fun.

In the same respect, any girl that is spending her time shopping and is fiscally irresponsible is also not ready for marriage. I wouldn't expect any self-respecting guy who works hard to earn a living to want a wife who will run him into the ground, expecting him to support her ridiculous spending habits. And it would also show that she is not ready for her role as a wife and mother. That role requires being self-less, making sacrifices, and putting others before yourself. Children are needy, whiney much of the time, and require a lot of your attention. On top of that, both spouses will have household responsibilities and will need to be their for each other physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It is a huge responsibility.

Most women are not gold diggers. They want to be provided for, to have a home and to make sure that they and their children will be taken care of. But for those men who work 60+ hours a week to make more money for fancy things, if you talk to their wives most of them would tell you that they'd gladly give up on the fancier things to have him home more. Because all the money in the world is worthless with an absent spouse. Kim was not saying that all Christian men or even most have a problem providing for their families. What she WAS saying was that if it appears to a woman that a guy's priorities are not preparing for that responsibility, but rather to have fun , and the woman is ready for a serious relationship that will lead to marriage, then she will pass the guy up. And I would hope that the guys would pass up any girl who is self-absorbed, immature, and wasteful - any girl like that is also not ready for a real relationship.[/
Typical women going off topic.The kid just wants advice on how to get a girl, not a wife. Who at 20 was thinking about getting married. If you read what he said he said has a problem getting a christian girlfriend.

MusicalMe · Jul 23, 2009

SamIam said:

Because 'trying to find a good Christian girl' REALLY means 'trying to find a hot Christian girl', lol! That narrows the field down.

(Don't get defensive guys, I'm just teasing ya!)

seoulsearch · Jul 23, 2009

Avoca1 said:

Heh, heh. Well Avoca, if I'm a gold digger, I'm the sorriest one you've ever seen. As I wrote in another post, I always wound up supporting someone else and usually other members of his family right along with it. And, again, as I wrote in that post, I've worked constantly since I was 11 years old. In college, I was working on a Master's degree in psychology (was a year away from completing it), but my husband decided he wanted someone else and left... also leaving me with all the bills. So, I quit school to work full-time. If you have some hints on how to gold-dig exactly... ha. I obviously am somehow misinterpreting the concept. Like I said, I don't need someone with money (how many guys have it, anyway), just someone who can at least pay for himself, so I won't have to. You could ask my pastors about it--they've often hollered at me for trying to help out too much in relationships--and told me to look for someone who is also independent!

seoulsearch · Jul 23, 2009

Silex said:

You make a good point, Silex, and I apologize if I've strayed off subject here. I do that at 20 years old, a person is out having fun and discovering who they are... I know I become more down when I try to think to myself, "I really want to find someone"... it's hard to shift the focus when everyone around you has someone, I know... but I try to think, "I'm going to try going to such and such place" (even if it's just down the street), "I'm going to eat a new restaurant," "I'm going to accomplish such and such goal..." and if God throws someone along the same path, that would be great.

seoulsearch · Jul 23, 2009

Avoca1 said:

Um, by the way, Avoca... do you have any money? HA! Sorry, I couldn't resist.

chelsers · Jul 23, 2009

seoulsearch said:

I agree, but I don't think you strayed off topic at all. I know Silex mentioned that he's just 20, however, he did ask about getting a Christian girlfriend. I personally don't think dating and having girlfriends/boyfriends is something that you just have fun with, it should be with the intention to find someone to marry. So if that's the intention, then preparing oneself to provide for a family is good advice.

Your advice was definitely good though about focusing on other things and improving yourself rather than letting your mind be consumed with finding someone. It's okay for it to be on your mind, but not when it consumes your mind.

Oh and in regards to Avoca's comment about "typical women," that was disrespectful.

seoulsearch · Jul 23, 2009

chelsers said:

Good point in that finding the right person should not be a matter of just "having fun", Chelsers... I did NOT mean it that way at all. I just meant enjoy life and concentrate more on that than finding someone RIGHT NOW (which is what I used to do). I am guessing Avoca has some really bad experiences with women... hopefully, he'll stick around and get to know some of us and realize we're not all bad... or after his money.

Why am I having so much of a problem getting a good Christian girlfriend?

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