Which is more important looks or personality?

[GraceAndTruth]

I didn't see anyone mention steadfastness or a sense of humor.
I was married a very long time (50+ years) and while there were times when I wanted to kill him, (or he wanted to kill me) we were steadfast in our vows to make it work......we had children. As time went by we found many reasons to laugh together. I think that one of the reasons I loved him so much is that he could make me laugh.

Have interests in common
I tried to love those baseball games even tho I could sleep thru them.
He did not like going out to eat, (preferred my cooking ) but we had regular dates that included eating out.
Give and take.

AND some of the best times I had was going to a baseball game, cheering and eating hot dogs.
To have a really successful relationship people must think about making their mate happy instead of focusing on our own egos.
Marriage is not 50-50........it is 100-100
Being willing to say "sorry" helps too. (even if aren't!)

 

[BrotherMike]

This is what I want... I will take less physical attraction for this any day.

 

[Lanolin]

The thing I keep thinking about as I'm reading the posts about how important looks are and wouldn't it be such an awful thing in the world to be married to someone you're not attracted to is, what do the people saying this plan on doing when or if that happens?

I caught some faux "headline" today about some boy band heart throb from "back in my day" -- AJ McLean from the Backstreet Boys. I liked some of their songs but wasn't into them at all, however, I had a few friends who were NUTS over them, wallpapering their rooms with band's posters and glossy photos.

One thing I've been learning as I go on is that it's kind of funny how time can be the great equalizer. Poor AJ doesn't look like a teen idol anymore. He's apparently bald (at least in the picture I saw,) and looks like a middle-aged dad, which I think he is. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. But he definitely doesn't look like the fresh-faced "hunk" that my friends were swooning over 20 years ago.

But for the people here who are old enough, look up some recent photos of a teen crush you had from at least 15+ years ago; 20 is probably better. Chances are, they're not going to be the same level of eye candy as they once were. Back when I was in my hometown, it was a bit surreal to occasionally see one of the beautiful, popular kids from my school around town -- and now they have wrinkles, pot bellies, and double chins. I'm not saying that as a criticism -- I'm just saying, looks change drastically.

And if celebrities like Mr. McLean and Britney Spears, who have access to every trick of the trade available in order to stay looking young and beautiful can't pull it off, how could the average person ever expect to do that?

So what happens if you marry someone you might think is super attractive at the time, but, life happens? They have a baby. They lose their hair. They gain 20 pounds and can't seem to shake it. They become ill, and it drastically changes their physical appearance. As much as we try to hold back the hands of time, the creases and lines of the roadmap of our life starts to permanently settle into our faces.

The Bible warns us that outer beauty is fleeting. But yet there is no denying that attractiveness is something that affects every person's decision.

But what happens when the looks we're so attracted to in the moment crumble to dust as the years go by?

I think failing eyesight as people get older probably plays a part in all that. lol

You know why some mums hate their daughters is because they look like them but are younger and prettier. They are jealous.
Its not proven this is the case but it might explain some of the more irrational mother daughter relationships. I love you, but just dont get too pretty.

 

[Natasha91]

The thing I keep thinking about as I'm reading the posts about how important looks are and wouldn't it be such an awful thing in the world to be married to someone you're not attracted to is, what do the people saying this plan on doing when or if that happens?

I caught some faux "headline" today about some boy band heart throb from "back in my day" -- AJ McLean from the Backstreet Boys. I liked some of their songs but wasn't into them at all, however, I had a few friends who were NUTS over them, wallpapering their rooms with band's posters and glossy photos.

One thing I've been learning as I go on is that it's kind of funny how time can be the great equalizer. Poor AJ doesn't look like a teen idol anymore. He's apparently bald (at least in the picture I saw,) and looks like a middle-aged dad, which I think he is. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. But he definitely doesn't look like the fresh-faced "hunk" that my friends were swooning over 20 years ago.

But for the people here who are old enough, look up some recent photos of a teen crush you had from at least 15+ years ago; 20 is probably better. Chances are, they're not going to be the same level of eye candy as they once were. Back when I was in my hometown, it was a bit surreal to occasionally see one of the beautiful, popular kids from my school around town -- and now they have wrinkles, pot bellies, and double chins. I'm not saying that as a criticism -- I'm just saying, looks change drastically.

And if celebrities like Mr. McLean and Britney Spears, who have access to every trick of the trade available in order to stay looking young and beautiful can't pull it off, how could the average person ever expect to do that?

So what happens if you marry someone you might think is super attractive at the time, but, life happens? They have a baby. They lose their hair. They gain 20 pounds and can't seem to shake it. They become ill, and it drastically changes their physical appearance. As much as we try to hold back the hands of time, the creases and lines of the roadmap of our life starts to permanently settle into our faces.

The Bible warns us that outer beauty is fleeting. But yet there is no denying that attractiveness is something that affects every person's decision.

But what happens when the looks we're so attracted to in the moment crumble to dust as the years go by?

@seoulsearch , you always have just the right words!! Growing up, I also had a specific "type" of guy I thought I'd be attracted to. I envisioned how my life would be, down to the last detail, haha... Teenage girls are a silly bunch, aren't we?

Thankfully over the last 15 years, God had changed my heart. There are so many other aspects that are more important. In a way, those of us that have been single for a long time have been blessed to have this outside perspective and the freedom to focus on other things.

Working in healthcare, I've seen couples go through horrible accidents. In one instant, a person's appearance and capabilities can change drastically. It's heartbreaking to see marriages crumble when it was obvious the relationship was just based on that. But I have also seen couples learn to adapt and establish a new normal, though it's never easy. Their love grows deeper in spite of the challenges.

Even in the best circumstances though, we should expect the person we marry to change. Life happens. None of us are perfect! Our prayer should always be that we can love others as Christ does and see them through His eyes.

"...For the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance,
but the Lord looks at the heart.” - 1 Samuel 16:7​

 

[true_believer]

@seoulsearch , you always have just the right words!! Growing up, I also had a specific "type" of guy I thought I'd be attracted to. I envisioned how my life would be, down to the last detail, haha... Teenage girls are a silly bunch, aren't we?

Thankfully over the last 15 years, God had changed my heart. There are so many other aspects that are more important. In a way, those of us that have been single for a long time have been blessed to have this outside perspective and the freedom to focus on other things.

Working in healthcare, I've seen couples go through horrible accidents. In one instant, a person's appearance and capabilities can change drastically. It's heartbreaking to see marriages crumble when it was obvious the relationship was just based on that. But I have also seen couples learn to adapt and establish a new normal, though it's never easy. Their love grows deeper in spite of the challenges.

Even in the best circumstances though, we should expect the person we marry to change. Life happens. None of us are perfect! Our prayer should always be that we can love others as Christ does and see them through His eyes.

"...For the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance,
but the Lord looks at the heart.” - 1 Samuel 16:7​

My mother was diagnosed with MS in the 90s. I went to several MS support groups and I heard many stories of men and women being dumped by their spouses. The lack of loyalty displayed by most people never ceases to astound me.

 

[Lanolin]

infidels!
I am really sad that many men WILL ditch their female partners the instant they have a bad hair day.

 

[Lanolin]

women on the other hand, might stay with their men a bit longer even if they lose their temper and hope they will change.

 

[true_believer]

women on the other hand, might stay with their men a bit longer even if they lose their temper and hope they will change.

Perhaps 30 years ago. But not in this day and age.
Also thanks to social media and dating apps, males and females can replace a partner faster than a flat tire.

 

[Lanolin]

speed dating
hello saw your pic online. NUP. X click
your personality online test is completely incompatible with mine NUP. X Click

Before internet, you had to meet the person and maybe even dance with them *shudder*, dress up, make conversation, and get home in one piece. Then wait, agonisngly, for them to call.

 

[BlessedByGod]

I believe the personality usually (if a good, loving, kind and great personality) shows them for who they really are, no matter what the world sees in them. Which is to say the personality shows they are Most Beautiful, from the inside out...best kind!

 

[theLastEndWatcher]

Let's see. I'd say the idea of one matters more than the other is relative.
That is, looks or personality only matter as long as they meet your "threshold" of what you find attractive. I'm strongly of the view that if someone meets both thresholds that's what it takes to go beyond a crush that doesn't last or to go beyond being "just a friend."

Of course, such "thresholds" vary from person to person.
To put this in nerd terms:

In Final Fantasy 14, in 2.0, Warriors would be able to choose between Vitality (for extra health) and Strength (for extra damage).

People always debated about which was better, and would tote the perks of either, but no one actually understood why. Some could make one work, the others could not.

What it turned out was, Vitality would follow a rule of "just enough." That is, enough health to handle encounters comfortably, and would vary from player to player based on skill at using abilities to mitigate damage, as well as who was their healer. The leftover spots would be filled with strength for extra damage to help clear the encounter faster.

Some warriors went straight strength for extra damage, but would have trouble when playing with certain healers or certain encounters, or did not optimally use their damage mitigation moves.

Think of your healer like the person you are dating.

As long as you have just enough health to clear the encounter, you can have just enough strength to push through it harder, and you both get through what life throws at you.

But this depends on your mate and what thresholds they can handle in you before losing attraction.

So they key to this whole discussion is: Whomever meets your threshold on both. (And results may vary).

 

[Richy_rich]

We are also told not to judge anyone though right? So I can definitely say Id choose personality, as God made us all beautiful.

 

[TheIndianGirl]

Personality/temperament matters more. One thing I look for in guys is whether he has caretaker ability, unfortunately there are not many as the woman is generally the caretaker even when she is sick.

 

[Lanolin]

a girl I knew from church who I look after from time to time was born with a facial deformity.
if only looks matter most to you, then nobody would even be friends with her. shes had to go to hospital several times to have surgery to correct her features.

Thankfully she has such a lovely personality and has many friends who look past that. I dont know about boyfriends yet (shes now 16) but she goes to a christian school, as there is less chance of being bullied.

if anyone had watched the Wonder or read the book by RJ palaccio, you might want to rethink your 'only looks matter' or 'looks are the most important' position.

 

[theLastEndWatcher]

We are also told not to judge anyone though right? So I can definitely say Id choose personality, as God made us all beautiful.

I mean anytime you make a decision you're judging something. What does and doesn't appeal to you in this case.

Attraction is in the eye of the beholder. I know many lovely women I'd never date, and have great personalities. They make great friends.
There are also many women out there that adore my personality but aren't interested in me (but I'm a pretty decent looking guy).

Attraction is a truly strange thing.

I think when they not to judge they're talking about looking down on someone. Most things like that require a bit more context.

 

[Lanolin]

have you ever been an artists muse.
it is the worst if a guy is a visual artists and thinks you are attractive, but doesnt want to know your mind. You feel like a dummy to them. And if someone looks similar to you they would be attracted to them also.
Its like being a contestant in a miss world competetion, Fun for some people (the men? ) but actually, not fun for the ladies trying to keep up appearances at huge expense.

and who really wears swimsuits with high heels?!

 

[true_believer]

Attraction is a very complex part of human behaviour. Different strokes for different folks.

 

[Born_Again]

Sometimes all it takes is a great smile.. but for me, personality is paramount.

 

[Desdichado]

Of course personality matters, but appearance is important too. Otherwise God wouldn't have made physical attraction and beauty a part of the created order.

 

[CoolCanadian]

Definitely personality (looks is ~ 3rd)