DIVORCE ---Abusive Relationship---What does the bible say ? ? ? ?

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MissPickles

Guest
#1
#1
Here is a little about my sitauation. I met this man 20 years ago we were young. We really did share some good times togther. After a year we decided to get married. Had a nice Church wedding. Two days before he explains to me his mother would be attending our honeymoon with us. I was like are you kidding me. I agreed. Just wanted to be accepted into his family and get along with his mother too. On our honeymoon i was still irriated at the fact she was there. Sharing our space along with us. I said having her with us, should have been our time. Maybe selfish on my part to feel that way. He gets angry because I felt like that. He proceeds to choke me down on the bed. I could not belive what was going on. My family had already told me not to marry this man. But to save my pride and my face , I sucked up the ordeal of that abuse and moved on with my life with him. Soon our son was born and a daughter followed. We would argue as all couples did, But he later hit me again on 4 other ocassions. He had me afraid of doing anything wrong. I was always afraid he may snap again. So I never would have a say so in anything. Was afraid of him. I recently left this relationship after 20yrs and have met a wonderful man. But I dont know where I should go from here. I know GOD does not like divorce. But my ex trys to tell me to come back to him. He is a slow learner and he knows he treated me wrong and our kids need us togther. Thing is our kids are grown the youngest being 15. Just dont know what to do. Should I give him another chance, but I am so afraid he will hit me again. or I will end up miserable after the kids are gone. The man I see now just has a calmness. Is this realtionship wrong. So Confused.
 
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Ariel82

Guest
#2
#2
I don't think you should go back to an abusive relationship.

the Bible says he is not treating you as God wants a husband to treat his wife and that his prayers are hindered because of it.

I'll find the Bible verses in a minute.

1 Corinthians 7:3 Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband.

Ephesians 5
[SUP]25 [/SUP]Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, [SUP]26 [/SUP]that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, [SUP]27 [/SUP]that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. [SUP]28 [/SUP]So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. [SUP]29 [/SUP]For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. [SUP]30 [/SUP]For we are members of His body,[SUP][d][/SUP] of His flesh and of His bones. [SUP]31 [/SUP]“For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”[SUP][e][/SUP] [SUP]32 [/SUP]This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. [SUP]33 [/SUP]Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

does he beat himself?
 
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maxwel

maxwel

Senior Member
#3
Apr 18, 2013
9,480
2,546
113
#3
If you are still legally married... then you are, biblically, in a bit of a pickle.

When things get this complicated, I usually recommend that people get some personal counsel from a pastor who knows them. So, it's probably time for some serious pastoral counseling, to help you sort this stuff out.
 
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MissPickles

Guest
#4
#4
No he doesnt. Thank You so much for finding that for me. I dont that the Bible ask that the husband as the wife back home adn he has done that recently. Thats why I am so lost on what to do. I think he is a good person and after we split he started attending Church. But there is just something...I feel like I am constanly walking on egg shells with him. He has come really bad anger issues, or he did. But he tells me that GOD hates divorce and we married for better or worse. But I dont want to be cast out from GOD for not going back to him. But I feel like once he hit me once and did it again and again. What will change. Will he do it again. I may not make it out the next time he lays a hand on me.
 
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OceanGrl

Guest
#5
#5
By being abusive, he was being unfaithful to you as a husband. I don't think staying in that kind of environment is something that God would want you to be in. If you really want to give him a chance, you'll definitely need to seek council with a pastor of some sort, someone to help you both.
 
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MissPickles

Guest
#6
#6
Then 3 weeks before I left. I found Nude pics of a woman on his phone. He tells me a friend sent that to him in a text message. Why would any man save a nude pic of a woman on his phone that he is not afflilated with.
 
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Abiding

Guest
#7
#7
If your out and hes got anger issues(meaning hits you) you cant go back into that.
He needs professional long term help figuring himself out. like 6months to a year min.
and thats only if the help understands how to help. the rest also needs dealt with.
When you move back in i doubt he will seek the help. But still you cant let him
hurt you and drag you down.....just an opinion
 
Angela53510

Angela53510

Senior Member
#8
Jan 24, 2011
11,782
2,952
113
#8
My advice from experience is do NOT go back. This whole marriage started out totally wrong, and abuse is completely unacceptable. You are frightened of this man, and I doubt you have a lot of love left. Also, he is trying to manipulate you into coming back by threatening you with God hating YOU (or divorce) when what God hates is anger, and abuse. Here is a sin list that does not include divorce, but it does include anger. Please notice what is included in this list, including drunkenness, witchcraft and sexual immorality, which are put on the same legal level as anger.

"Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, [SUP]20 [/SUP]idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, [SUP]21 [/SUP]envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God." Gal. 5:19-21

Some may say that is not Biblical, but no one deserves to live in fear or be hit. I would ask him to go to anger management. And I would not get involved with someone else. To me, that would be unbiblical. As for God, he is not going to cast you out for leaving abuse. In fact, if you are really following God, he will never cast you out.

However, one thing in your post leaves me a bit worried. You talk about your husband "being a good person." The Bible says that:

"All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." Romans 3:23

That means that we cannot be saved by being good, since just one thing wrong will separate us from God.

But the good news is:

"For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 6:23

Please be sure you are not depending on your own works for your salvation, but instead on the finished work of Christ on the cross.

"For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, [SUP]9 [/SUP]not a result of works, so that no one may boast." Eph. 2:8-9
 
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prodigal

Guest
#9
#9
jumping out of one relationship to another is not the answer. You should not return to the house in fear. Maybe its time to think about you, rebuilding the confidence you once had, with the Lord to guide you. Re value your worth as a child of God. For too long you'be been under valued as a wife. No more, If there's any hope for your marriage then you want to see proof. A christian councillor and anger management. If your worth it to him, he'll do it. Give it time, you've given 20 years of your life, surely you should give yourself however long to decide if it's over or not. By then your know clearly what way to go without confusion. God Bless You
 
4enlightment

4enlightment

Banned
#10
May 15, 2013
4,307
27
0
#10
MissPickles said:
Here is a little about my sitauation. I met this man 20 years ago we were young. We really did share some good times togther. After a year we decided to get married. Had a nice Church wedding. Two days before he explains to me his mother would be attending our honeymoon with us. I was like are you kidding me. I agreed. Just wanted to be accepted into his family and get along with his mother too. On our honeymoon i was still irriated at the fact she was there. Sharing our space along with us. I said having her with us, should have been our time. Maybe selfish on my part to feel that way. He gets angry because I felt like that. He proceeds to choke me down on the bed. I could not belive what was going on. My family had already told me not to marry this man. But to save my pride and my face , I sucked up the ordeal of that abuse and moved on with my life with him. Soon our son was born and a daughter followed. We would argue as all couples did, But he later hit me again on 4 other ocassions. He had me afraid of doing anything wrong. I was always afraid he may snap again. So I never would have a say so in anything. Was afraid of him. I recently left this relationship after 20yrs and have met a wonderful man. But I dont know where I should go from here. I know GOD does not like divorce. But my ex trys to tell me to come back to him. He is a slow learner and he knows he treated me wrong and our kids need us togther. Thing is our kids are grown the youngest being 15. Just dont know what to do. Should I give him another chance, but I am so afraid he will hit me again. or I will end up miserable after the kids are gone. The man I see now just has a calmness. Is this realtionship wrong. So Confused.
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Matthew 19:6So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

This verse says, " whatever God joined together, no one willl be able to separate it". which means that even the couple that are together will not be able to separate it also. If you are separated from this relationship, it wasn't your will (desires). You wouldn't be able to escape from it. People away breaking up, and then come back making up. It's out of their control. So if you were able to leave, then it is God's will. but if you still have feeling for this person, then you are still under his control, which means that God isn't done with this relationship. But if you have a strong feeling to stay away from this person, Then God is trying to get you to listen to him by causing this sickness and or fear of being around him. This feeling it comes from your spiritual soul in which you must be in agreement with it.

John 10:29My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand.

Matthew 6:33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
 
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Ariel82

Guest
#11
#11
she thinks he will beat her to death if she goes back

but only thinks about going back because he tried to twist her faith in GOD by saying the Bible says GOD will reject her if she doesn't go back to his controlling abusive power. <which is a LIE if you haven't figured it out yet>

the guy is twisted, she should stay as far away as possible.

I would suggest that you seek counseling to heal from the wounds he has made and put off developing a serious romantic relationship with another man. just be friends and focus on God and learning to live with yourself and your son.

MissPickles said:
But I dont want to be cast out from GOD for not going back to him. But I feel like once he hit me once and did it again and again. What will change. Will he do it again. I may not make it out the next time he lays a hand on me.
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SparkleEyes

Senior Member
#12
Mar 23, 2013
771
21
18
#12
maxwel said:
If you are still legally married... then you are, biblically, in a bit of a pickle.

When things get this complicated, I usually recommend that people get some personal counsel from a pastor who knows them. So, it's probably time for some serious pastoral counseling, to help you sort this stuff out.
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Most pastors are NOT equipped to do serious counseling. I'd only go to your pastor for initial Biblical perspective and THEN go to a competent Christian counselor who has a background in abusive relationships.
 
J

jb

Senior Member
#13
Feb 27, 2010
4,940
591
113
#13
MissPickles said:
Here is a little about my sitauation. I met this man 20 years ago we were young. We really did share some good times togther. After a year we decided to get married. Had a nice Church wedding. Two days before he explains to me his mother would be attending our honeymoon with us. I was like are you kidding me. I agreed. Just wanted to be accepted into his family and get along with his mother too. On our honeymoon i was still irriated at the fact she was there. Sharing our space along with us. I said having her with us, should have been our time. Maybe selfish on my part to feel that way. He gets angry because I felt like that. He proceeds to choke me down on the bed. I could not belive what was going on. My family had already told me not to marry this man. But to save my pride and my face , I sucked up the ordeal of that abuse and moved on with my life with him. Soon our son was born and a daughter followed. We would argue as all couples did, But he later hit me again on 4 other ocassions. He had me afraid of doing anything wrong. I was always afraid he may snap again. So I never would have a say so in anything. Was afraid of him. I recently left this relationship after 20yrs and have met a wonderful man. But I dont know where I should go from here. I know GOD does not like divorce. But my ex trys to tell me to come back to him. He is a slow learner and he knows he treated me wrong and our kids need us togther. Thing is our kids are grown the youngest being 15. Just dont know what to do. Should I give him another chance, but I am so afraid he will hit me again. or I will end up miserable after the kids are gone. The man I see now just has a calmness. Is this realtionship wrong. So Confused.
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Firstly, 1Peter 3v7 states 'Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.'

Not sure if he is a Christian or not, but either way, God looks upon such treatment of a wife in a very serious light! God will NOT hear his prayers!

Secondly, he has had many second chances, so as regards giving him a 'second' chance, forget about it, leave him NOW (get help from your family as regards getting another house or dwelling), however, the new man in you life, do not sleep with (ie have sex) as this will bring you into sin before God, and if he loves you he will understand.

Thirdly, when he starts going on about how God hates divorce and that you are married for better or for worse, this is just not the full story, the fact is...he is the one that has caused ALL these problems and God is angry at him NOT you. There is also seems to be some evidence that he has been unfaithful to you. God provides a way out of such terrible marriages, it is called divorce, go and see a lawyer.

Fourthly, your abusive husband ain't going to change, go to the local police and get a restraining order against him, so that he cannot come within a certain distance of you and your dwelling and tell him that you will have him arrested and taken to court for all the previous assaults if he gives any more bother, take a real firm line on this.

Yahweh Shalom...
 
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MissPickles

Guest
#14
#14
I am so glad that I found this Chat Board. I never expected so many responses when I posted. Over the last day he has basically asked me well sent text to my phone begging me to come back. Then when I tell him I just cant because I feel like our relationship is over. He thens starts sending me texts explaining he has had a major self exam and he has mellowed out. He is Changing Daily and reminds me that I took a oath before GOD til death do us part.That if I left then it was up to him to ask me back based on the bible. Funny thing is I care about this person but the love feels like it has demolished. Why do I feel this way when I spent 20 yrs there. Really no feelings there. I cant get him to understand that. I am so Confused he keeps confusing me. When he keeps throughing the BIBLE at me, for leaving. I just dont want GOD to hate me.
 
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TomH

Guest
#15
#15
MissPickles said:
Here is a little about my sitauation. I met this man 20 years ago we were young. We really did share some good times togther. After a year we decided to get married. Had a nice Church wedding. Two days before he explains to me his mother would be attending our honeymoon with us. I was like are you kidding me. I agreed. Just wanted to be accepted into his family and get along with his mother too. On our honeymoon i was still irriated at the fact she was there. Sharing our space along with us. I said having her with us, should have been our time. Maybe selfish on my part to feel that way. He gets angry because I felt like that. He proceeds to choke me down on the bed. I could not belive what was going on. My family had already told me not to marry this man. But to save my pride and my face , I sucked up the ordeal of that abuse and moved on with my life with him. Soon our son was born and a daughter followed. We would argue as all couples did, But he later hit me again on 4 other ocassions. He had me afraid of doing anything wrong. I was always afraid he may snap again. So I never would have a say so in anything. Was afraid of him. I recently left this relationship after 20yrs and have met a wonderful man. But I dont know where I should go from here. I know GOD does not like divorce. But my ex trys to tell me to come back to him. He is a slow learner and he knows he treated me wrong and our kids need us togther. Thing is our kids are grown the youngest being 15. Just dont know what to do. Should I give him another chance, but I am so afraid he will hit me again. or I will end up miserable after the kids are gone. The man I see now just has a calmness. Is this realtionship wrong. So Confused.
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Bringing mama on the honeymoon, choking you for complaining about it, then hitting you ain't love, sister. You may be married to the guy, but you have a good reason to fear for your safety. I say you'd be crazy to go back. Any man that beats his woman has no respect for her and doesn't know how to deal with her. If he wants to hit somebody, he should get it on with another man in a controlled environment with a trained instructor to supervise the combat. It would be a good idea for you to get some self-defense training too to protect yourself in case he decides to stalk you. He needs to learn how to love, but you don't need to be his punching bag while he's working out his anger management. I pray God gives you peace and shows you the way to do his will, sister. God bless you.
 
damombomb

damombomb

Senior Member
#16
Feb 27, 2011
3,801
68
48
#16
Plus you do not want your son doing this to his wife later on. Did his dad beat his mother?
 
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MissPickles

Guest
#17
#17
I have no idea. But I know his mother really would haul off and hit him as a kid. Even up into his teenage years. He did attend Church regualry as a kid. and just recently went back after our split. A part of me feels sorry for him when he starts telling me things like he has changed and he is ashamed of the way the treated me. But then something in me Snaps and says dont do it. But then I stop and think kids want both of their parents togther.
 
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twotwo

Guest
#18
#18
MissPickles said:
He gets angry because I felt like that. He proceeds to choke me down on the bed...
My family had already told me not to marry this man...
But he later hit me again on 4 other ocassions...
I recently left this relationship after 20yrs and have met a wonderful man.
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Should I give him another chance... NO
I am so afraid he will hit me again... HE WILL. RUN AWAY.

May our Almighty Father blessed your new relationship!
 
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danschance

Guest
#19
#19
If your husband is willing to try to make things right, I think you should try to work hings out. That doesn't mean you should instantly move back in with him either. I would insist on going thru marriage counseling. Then allow him to date you again to build up some trust.

God does hate divorce. The problem is our flesh loves the idea of meeting new people who make us feel great. You are already calling your husband your "ex", what does that imply? However, the problem is you might be jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire. You rejected good advice to marry him. You agreed to allow his mommy to come along on your honeymoon. So you have made some bad decisions in the past and how do you know you are currently making good decisions now?

That is why you need to go to some good christian marriage counseling.... and hopefully with your husband. Two wrongs never makes anything right.
 
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MissPickles

Guest
#20
#20
I think what I am trying to get at here. Is the Devil in control here. By getting my husband to tell me if I dont come back GOD will cast me out. But on the same token. Was the Devil in Control when my husband made the choices he made. But on the other hand it stays GOD hates divorce.
 
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