Can't accept my girlfriend's past

[Delphinium]

I believe underneath it all what you are worried about is that you hold different values. If she doesn't denounce what she has done in the past, then she believes it is okay. What she has done with someone else has taken away from the "specialness" of what you could have had if you were the first. No one can tell you to just get over it, if this is a value that is important to you.

She may feel frustrated because she can't change the past for you, and this will always cause tension if this is a value you need to have in a woman.

These days it will be hard to find a woman who values waiting until marriage, but they are out there. You are not alone in holding this value. The longer you hang on to this woman, the longer you will not be available when that other woman comes along who is perfect for you.

 

[blue_ladybug]

She's NOT your wife. You're making it sound like she's the biggest sinner on earth for having a sexual past. Obviously, since you have such a problem with it, she's not wife material for you, and you're neither boyfriend or husband material for her.

Well, everything requires work, it won't magically happen when you sit on your couch watching football. If you want a strong relationship, you have to work for it: work on yourself, your understandings, being there for your wifey, being the best version of yourself for that other person. As it is with God. You don't just say "Oh I'm Christian now, everything I do is forgiven". No. You work every day on becoming the best you can. Having the best relationship you're capable of, whether it is with God or your loved one.
And I've had previous relationships. Never had the same problem.
And I don't have a problem being a man. I just don't like the idea that a man should never complain and always be the strong and rational one in a relationship. Everyone has their ups and downs, and if you can't rely on your wife to be by your side when you have a problem, and solve it together... I don't think that's a real relationship. I've been there. It is cool somehow to have a girl that relies completely on you, but she becomes more of a pretty accessory than a person.

 

[FranC]

Well, everything requires work, it won't magically happen when you sit on your couch watching football. If you want a strong relationship, you have to work for it: work on yourself, your understandings, being there for your wifey, being the best version of yourself for that other person. As it is with God. You don't just say "Oh I'm Christian now, everything I do is forgiven". No. You work every day on becoming the best you can. Having the best relationship you're capable of, whether it is with God or your loved one.
And I've had previous relationships. Never had the same problem.
And I don't have a problem being a man. I just don't like the idea that a man should never complain and always be the strong and rational one in a relationship. Everyone has their ups and downs, and if you can't rely on your wife to be by your side when you have a problem, and solve it together... I don't think that's a real relationship. I've been there. It is cool somehow to have a girl that relies completely on you, but she becomes more of a pretty accessory than a person.

You've been there?
So has she.

You're even.
Now what?

 

[slave]

I'll just throw this out there for some responses from you single men...
If you found yourself in love with the woman of your dreams...does her past matter?

If God casts my sins as far as the East is from the west, why would I not be empowered to cast my loved one's past aside? Have I not been comforted in my past tribulations by God's relationship thru Christ Jesus? Then, I should always carry with me in my New Creation the gift of compassion and forgiveness without conflict at all. The truth may be that it bothers me, but the greater truth is that
God so forgives her thru me.

(2 Corinthians 1:3-5):

3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. He is the Father who is full of mercy, the God of all comfort. 4 He comforts us every time we have trouble so that when others have trouble, we can comfort them with the same comfort God gives us. 5 We share in the many sufferings of Christ. In the same way, much comfort comes to us through Christ.





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[Galatea]

I have some questions for you....

1. You don't want to be a real man?
Why not? Is that a bad thing?

2. What does it mean to "work hard" on a relationship?
I work hard at different things because I have to. I have to work hard on my relationship too?
When does fun come into the picture??


OK. Now I'll answer you.

It sounds like you never had a relationship before.
This may be why you don't understand the situation.

So,,,if you leave her, and then in a year you find yourself in a different relationship,,,you'll finally understand
you're current situation. Of course it'll be too late by then.

Or do you truly believe we all get to have only one relationship in our whole life?
That's so romantic.
And unrealistic.

It is not necessarily unrealistic to have only one love your entire life. Most of the women I know have only had one love, one lover, one husband. Perhaps this is highly unusual- but nonetheless true.

 

[Lighthearted]

I'll just throw this out there for some responses from you single men...
If you found yourself in love with the woman of your dreams...does her past matter?

 

[Lighthearted]

If God casts my sins as far as the East is from the west, why would I not be empowered to cast my loved one's past aside? Have I not been comforted in my past tribulations by God's relationship thru Christ Jesus? Then, I should always carry with me in my New Creation the gift of compassion and forgiveness without conflict at all. The truth may be that it bothers me, but the greater truth is that
God so forgives her thru me.

(2 Corinthians 1:3-5):

3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. He is the Father who is full of mercy, the God of all comfort. 4 He comforts us every time we have trouble so that when others have trouble, we can comfort them with the same comfort God gives us. 5 We share in the many sufferings of Christ. In the same way, much comfort comes to us through Christ.





​

Amen...I think I'm in love! Lol Felt that response from my head to my toes!

 

[tourist]

I'll just throw this out there for some responses from you single men...
If you found yourself in love with the woman of your dreams...does her past matter?

As a formerly single man my answer was no. All that mattered was the here and now.

 

[Paulie]

You've been there?
So has she.

You're even.
Now what?

Didn't have sex. Was calculated. Of course, since it ended - not very well calculated, but still it wasn't that kind of relationship. It's not exactly the same.

And as someone else said above, does it matter if she's your girlfriend Or wife? If you treat them differently, then you have a problem (in my opinion). What kind of Christian does get involved in a relationship without the intention of spending a lifetime with that same person? Exactly.
Yes, marriage can be something more than a contract, but for the most part - that's what it is - a contract. I doubt God needs papers to prove Him you love your girl/man.

 

[Galatea]

It is not necessarily unrealistic to have only one love your entire life. Most of the women I know have only had one love, one lover, one husband. Perhaps this is highly unusual- but nonetheless true.

To clarify, the one love, one lover, one husband is the same man! Lol.

 

[tourist]

To clarify, the one love, one lover, one husband is the same man! Lol.

I was sure that this is what you meant.

 

[Huckleberry]

She has a sexual past she doesn't regret, which I can't accept.......
.......I know she really has bigger problems with God
than me, but I love her and I can't just let go of her.

That's the beginning and the end of it right there.
You're not mature enough as a person, or as a
Christian, to be involved with a woman right now.

 

[renewed_hope]

My boyfriend lost his virginity in a peculiar situation at the age of sixteen. When he told me, I was surprised but didn't judge him for it and moved forward with our relationship. That was six months ago and he tells me often how he appreciates how he can tell me anything. This is what should happen in a relationship.

I agree that you are the one with the problem and maybe it's best for you to let her go to find someone to love her the way Christ does and don't get into another relationship until you mature in your faith. She deserves to be loved and accepted and according to your OP you can't do that

 

[Lighthearted]

You are the one with a problem, not her. And you're trying to pressure her into your way of feeling.
You don't sound like a douche, you are being one.
And if you think being "a real man" and "tough" by attempting to ignore things while bitterness and resentment builds inside you need to look into what a real man actually is.

Fact of the matter is this relationship is one giant red flag.
You can't get over her past.
She doesn't care that you can't get over it.
You are bringing condemnation on her.
You're expecting her to think and feel how you determine she should.
She did these things and has no conviction over it.
You think ignoring the problem is being a "man".
The problem remains because of you.
You expect her to apologize for her past?? Seriously? That's the douchiest thing about you.
"Bigger problems with God than me".

All you have done is laid out a road map to a doomed relationship. Shown that you think she owes you an apology for her past (the arrogance in that expectation.. you should be the one apologizing for that attitude).
If you want to be a "real man" then stop wasting time in a dead end relationship. Stop expecting her to conform to your standards and apologize for not meeting them. Grow up and see the situation for what it is. She doesn't care about what she did and has no Godly conviction about it. You get get past it and create excessive expectations. If you can't accept it stop wasting your time. Her time.
If you think breaking up is a nightmare imagine getting divorced 10 years down the road because you won't let her past go, and your badgering drives her further from regret, just to spite you.
A "real man" would see things for what they are, not what they wish they were, and move on.

Well said Ugly

 

[Zi]

Maybe you need to follow this..
You should get to know women after you figure out who you are and what you stand for..
She didn't make you date her.

What kind of Christian does get involved in a relationship without the intention of spending a lifetime with that same person? Exactly.

 

[MollyConnor]

Wow he is asking for advice. Not to be prosecuted. First of all this woman is NOT a Christian. He has said that.

To OP: So there is no way you should even consider being with her. God wants you to be with someone who is also a believer.

Secondly, she is not forgiven, because she is not a Christian. Maybe that's why you are having such a hard time moving forward with her. If she was a Christian, she would've felt wrong about her past and asked for forgiveness and would've received restoration through Christ Jesus. But she isn't a Christian, so she hasn't been resorted. That's why you can't forget her past. Her past isn't cleansed.

I think you need to let her go, focus on Jesus and your relationship with Him. Pray for this lady to find God and restoration. We are all sinners, but there is a major difference if a sinner is a Christian.

 

[FranC]

It is not necessarily unrealistic to have only one love your entire life. Most of the women I know have only had one love, one lover, one husband. Perhaps this is highly unusual- but nonetheless true.

Got married at 18.
Still married.
All good.
I just don't think I'm normal!!!!

 

[FranC]

Didn't have sex. Was calculated. Of course, since it ended - not very well calculated, but still it wasn't that kind of relationship. It's not exactly the same.

And as someone else said above, does it matter if she's your girlfriend Or wife? If you treat them differently, then you have a problem (in my opinion). What kind of Christian does get involved in a relationship without the intention of spending a lifetime with that same person? Exactly.
Yes, marriage can be something more than a contract, but for the most part - that's what it is - a contract. I doubt God needs papers to prove Him you love your girl/man.

This is the problem.
You're standards.
Which she doesn't meet...
This is a very complicated situation and I don't
really like to give advice. It seemed more simple....
The solution, however, is simple...
You either have to accept her as is,
Or let her go.

 

[Galatea]

Got married at 18.
Still married.
All good.
I just don't think I'm normal!!!!

I know this is going to sound unreal, but your situation is pretty much how things are done in my area. I know of 10 women off the top of my head who only ever dated one man each, married young, and stayed married to them. I don't believe these ladies have ever been unfaithful to their husbands. I have never heard or seen evidence of it, and trust me, in a small town- we know everything! In my area, I am abnormal as I am unmarried and most of my cohort married right out of high school.

 

[FranC]

Didn't have sex. Was calculated. Of course, since it ended - not very well calculated, but still it wasn't that kind of relationship. It's not exactly the same.

And as someone else said above, does it matter if she's your girlfriend Or wife? If you treat them differently, then you have a problem (in my opinion). What kind of Christian does get involved in a relationship without the intention of spending a lifetime with that same person? Exactly.
Yes, marriage can be something more than a contract, but for the most part - that's what it is - a contract. I doubt God needs papers to prove Him you love your girl/man.

Oh.
And I'd like to say that, yes, a wife IS different.
That's why God created marriage.
Long story....

A girlfriend is NOT a wife.