Crippled, Cannot Work,Cannot Marry, living miserably with sexual desire

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May 16, 2021
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#1
I have tried elsewhere to seek help. I am asking the users in this forum to trust what I'm saying. I explained my situation, but people only offer me solutons which are not possible. I am asking, and i DONT mean to be offended, that you accept all of these premises as true. I once wanted a female companion. That is long passed. There is no chance of it. I'm in my 30s now.



I need help and I don't need help from people telling me to do things which I cannot do. Please I ask you to accept these immutable premises:

  1. I cannot get married.
  2. I cannot work.
  3. Society is so corrupt its impossible to marry and even if it were it would be an unacceptable risk (metoo), as the likelihood of it destroying my life is high.
  4. I am desperate for a woman's touch. I'm miserable, having no outlet, and pornography is sin.
  5. The above premises are not changeable.
If you are unwilling to accept these premises, then you can't help me. I promise I am telling the truth.
 
May 16, 2021
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#2
It won't let me edit. I wanted to add something. I'm NOT looking for someone on here to date. I'm looking for guidance, and a solution which maybe I'm not aware of (and always prayer). There is no hope for me to find a wife and I am not looking anymore. I'm not fooling myself. The only solution I can think of at this point, is a miracle. Unless someone shows up at my door and says marry me and its some kind of silly novelty (this is only a joke), I just want to not feel desire anymore. I want it to go away. I'm tired of living like this.
 
May 16, 2021
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#3
I'm very depressed and anxious (this is a normal every day problem, for many reasons, not just the reason i posted). To the administrators, I'm not trying to cause trouble. I just want to know if anyone has any insight that I don't know about. No one can help me because everyone tells me "get married."
 

cinder

Senior Member
Mar 26, 2014
3,927
1,978
113
#4
Well let's see, you've already decided that marriage is impossible and celibacy is miserable. So far you haven't provided any information to indicate that there's anything more than you're belief that makes them so.

Only thing I can say that might be somewhat helpful is it seems you're giving everyone including God so many limitations on the possibilities you'll consider and listen to that you might be unwilling to hear the answers God has for you. That and a friend and I once had a discussion that covered the points of the Bible says that God desires all men to be saved but is also clear that not all men will be. So God pretty clearly has set up a universe where he doesn't get everything he wants either. What makes us think he owes us the fulfillment of every desire?

But the best advice I have is find something you can do to occupy your time and fill it productively. If you can put words on a computer screen you can at least attempt to write a story or maybe even do some computer based job from home. Granted online content writing is rather soul crushing for those who care about their writing, but it's something to do and possibly some income you could earn just by putting words on a screen. Or start a blog or podcast about all the challenges you face that most normal people don't think of. Or just memorize pi to 1,000 places because why not, at least you're doing something that way other than sitting around feeling hopeless. Or you can make praying for miracles (both for yourself and for others) a primary occupation.
 

Oncefallen

Idiot in Chief
Staff member
Jan 15, 2011
5,827
2,394
113
#5
I have tried elsewhere to seek help. I am asking the users in this forum to trust what I'm saying. I explained my situation, but people only offer me solutons which are not possible. I am asking, and i DONT mean to be offended, that you accept all of these premises as true. I once wanted a female companion. That is long passed. There is no chance of it. I'm in my 30s now.



I need help and I don't need help from people telling me to do things which I cannot do. Please I ask you to accept these immutable premises:

  1. I cannot get married.
  2. I cannot work.
  3. Society is so corrupt its impossible to marry and even if it were it would be an unacceptable risk (metoo), as the likelihood of it destroying my life is high.
  4. I am desperate for a woman's touch. I'm miserable, having no outlet, and pornography is sin.
  5. The above premises are not changeable.
If you are unwilling to accept these premises, then you can't help me. I promise I am telling the truth.
From time to time I end up approving threads out of morbid curiosity as to the twist that it may take (even though I'm nearly positive where it will end up).

IMHO no one can help you since:

A) You haven't actually stated what you want help with

B) It seems that by your premises you are unwilling to concede that your outlook on life (which only you can change) is warped and unbecoming of someone who claims the name of Christ through who ALL things are possible.
 

TabinRivCA

Well-known member
Oct 23, 2018
7,864
7,348
113
#6
Hi, Fellow ChristianPerson and since you asked I'll reply according to my understanding or possibly lack thereof. You have stipulated in your list of circumstances that 'you cannot get married' and 'your desperate for a woman's touch' ending with 'These things are unchangeable'. No wonder you are anxious, you have left yourself w/o a solution.
You need to get your mind off yourself and get involved helping others in anyway you can. Look at the famous man with no arms or legs who has 4 kids and is a beloved speaker. You say you're 30 like that's old, I had my last child when I was 40:)
My advise is get out of the conflicting mindset you've made for yourself or you will never be the man God created you to be. Get in some Zoom Bible studies for starters and meet good Godly people. Honestly I'd swipe all the restrictions you put on yourself and tell God you want the Holy Spirit to give you wisdom and start fresh from this point on.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
13,253
3,434
113
#7
I need help and I don't need help from people telling me to do things which I cannot do. Please I ask you to accept these immutable premises: [list of premises, summarizing with]
If you are unwilling to accept these premises, then you can't help me. I promise I am telling the truth.
Hi Christian Person,

You said you've sought help from other sources -- may I ask what other sources have you tried? Churches, counseling, online fellowships? Your struggle sounds very similar to some regular posts we get here in which people are asking for help for the exact same, or at least very similar, issues. If you scroll through Singles, Family, and Miscellaneous, you're bound to see several other thread titles that are similar. And if you can't find any in particular that you can relate to, feel free to leave a message on my profile page and I can direct you to at least one or two.

Please know that I am not in any way trying to mock your concerns, but you've very obviously given the readers an ultimatum. I'm not sure what your knowledge or stance is regarding Christianity but you do seem to be very familiar with the belief that pornography is sin and the only means of sexual expression for a Christian is within marriage.

It seems like you're telling us, "I know all the rules, but unless you can tell me something outside the rules in order to get me what I want, you're of no help to me (and phooey on you all for being so useless.)" Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong about that, but your post comes across as a bit combative and demanding.

You've only allowed for one avenue through which you will accept an answer, and the answer you want to hear is, "Tell me how I can have sexual intimacy with a woman, or the equivalent to it, but without working or getting married and in a way that meets all the conditions I'm setting before you."

Unfortunately, none of us can tell you that. God's ways are God's ways, and I know that's not the answer any of us want to hear at various times throughout our lives, but what you're asking of your audience is kind of like asking someone to tell you how to rob a bank without getting caught. You're asking if there is some alternative way to get what you want, and none of us can give you the answer that you're seeking.

The thing is, even if you felt you could get married, marriage, as much as the oft-quoted passage makes it sound ("For it is better to marry than to burn with passion," - 1 Corinthians 7:9) is not a complete answer to all of life's situations either. As much as it makes it sound like marriage is somehow the doorway to never-ending sexual fantasy and exploration, ask any married Christian, and I doubt that's what they will tell you.

As was mentioned, if you read through some of the threads and posts here, you'll even read about some people who are married and still not able to have sexual expression within their marriages, and so now not only are they living without sex, but unless something changes, they're in a permanent situation. The one positive thing about being single and open to possibly marrying is that at least the situation could change someday, but those who are married are in it for life.

You might be familiar with the story of Paul, a former enemy of the church who became one of Christ's most adamant followers (and wrote a good percentage of the New Testament.) The Bible says that God purposely gave him a thorn in the flesh, and though Paul begged God to remove it 3 times, God said no, because, "My power is made perfect in weakness," (2 Corinthians 12:9,) and that this thorn in place kept Paul humble and reliant on God.

I personally suspect that almost every Christian has some kind of thorn, and in your case, sexual desire might be it. I'm very sorry to hear that this is causing such misery. I'm sure many here can relate, but the unfortunate thing is, God only gives one answer to sexual expression, and it doesn't have any loopholes.

One thing I think God has taught me a long time ago, and is still teaching me, is that everything has a price, and if you can't pay the price, then you're trying to steal something that God says we can't otherwise have. Sex is one of those things. The price that must be paid for sexual expression is basically your whole life, because God says that in order to qualify as someone who can participate in it, you have to get married, and marriage is for life.

This is something I've thought about a lot. How many of us are at the point where we are willing to literally pay the price to have sex -- because it costs our entire lives, and for as long as we live. And the kicker is, it's not even a guarantee that one will even get sexual expression within marriage. A spouse could become disabled, pregnant, sick, lose their memory -- a whole host of things could go wrong -- and then you're right back to square one: someone learning to live without sexual expression.

I have some other things I would like to share but unless I have grossly misinterpreted, I think you're in a mindset of only being willing to hear what you want to hear. I know you might think that no one understands because you have a daily struggle with desire, but many of us have our own thorns that we also deal with daily.

My personal thorn is food, and it's something I fight on a daily basis as well, so I understand what it's like to fight what may feel like a natural impulse 24/7. And the kicker for me is that I just can't stop eating altogether, though I often wish I could. Unfortunately, it seems like God has asked many of us to deal with something every day that reminds us just how weak we are, and how much we need Him.

One thing I have learned though through my own struggles is that there are so many other people who would love have my thorn instead of their own. While it's a weekly struggle for me in grocery stores, pacing up and down anxiously over and over about what I can and can't buy or what I can and can't eat and what happens if I "eat the wrong things," God reminds me that there are thousands of alcoholics and drug addicts who would probably tell me they would love to trade addictions with me. I have zero attraction to smoking, drugs, and would be fine never having alcohol again for the rest of my life, but put a package of my numerous trigger foods in front of me and my heart will start racing with anxiety.

Sometimes when I feel most panicked and at the height of my own misery, God reminds me to pray for someone else who is dealing with another type of addiction, because they might be suffering 100 times more.

I know the battle is never-ending and it often feels like dying would be an easier solution.

I'm very sorry you're going through this, and I'll include you as someone to pray for in the midst of daily struggles. I hope that maybe if you pray for others who also suffer from unquenchable desires, it might help you as well.

Please keep us posted on how you're doing.
 

Subhumanoidal

Well-known member
Sep 17, 2018
2,764
2,273
113
#8
I have tried elsewhere to seek help. I am asking the users in this forum to trust what I'm saying. I explained my situation, but people only offer me solutons which are not possible. I am asking, and i DONT mean to be offended, that you accept all of these premises as true. I once wanted a female companion. That is long passed. There is no chance of it. I'm in my 30s now.



I need help and I don't need help from people telling me to do things which I cannot do. Please I ask you to accept these immutable premises:

  1. I cannot get married.
  2. I cannot work.
  3. Society is so corrupt its impossible to marry and even if it were it would be an unacceptable risk (metoo), as the likelihood of it destroying my life is high.
  4. I am desperate for a woman's touch. I'm miserable, having no outlet, and pornography is sin.
  5. The above premises are not changeable.
If you are unwilling to accept these premises, then you can't help me. I promise I am telling the truth.
Why can't you get married?
Why can't you work?
How does society make it impossible to marry?

You've posted a series of claims with no explanation given to prove them to be true.
You've eliminated All possible responses people may give, if they accept your claims to be fact.
Then state you want answers.
But never actually posed a question.
Then say anyone who gives the only responses available isn't welcome to respond.

If you're not able, or willing, to marry, then, no, there is no other option to be with a woman. Thats how it works.

 

Tararose

Well-known member
Sep 30, 2020
605
480
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Uk
www.101christiansocialnetwork.com
#9
I dont really understand what you are asking of us. We know nothing about your situation really, other than your beliefs about what cannot happen. How is it possible to begin to advise? What exactly is the question?

As for sexual frustrations, welcome to the club. Many of us have no spouse but it isn't for a lack of trying. Many of us have a spouse and wish we did not.

I have been single for 10 years and I know that myself and many others struggle with the physical element of singleness. People who have same sex attraction but who love the Lord have to face the prospect of never being in a relationship fro the rest of there lives, or of pretending and marrying someone they are not attracted to. Others are physically disabled in a way that means they cannot have sex regardless of marital status. In short, you really are not alone in your struggles.

Many of us can also relate to the sheer inability to marry, in the sense that you can't "just" go get married. A suitable person is not always available - or willing.

The only way forward, if you remain single, I to focus on the needs of others and do what you can to elevate their difficulties in any way you can, however big or small. We are all hungry at certain times of the day, and our expectation is to eat or e feel deprived. But if we go on missions and see the real hunger others face, we suddenly get a new perspective. Our struggles are hard, but they are not forever, Jesus told us to continue to go to Him to get help in our hour of need, such as in temptation. He ALWAYS makes a way of escape, and we can get out of it if we are willing to take it.

Desire is one of the crosses we must bear in life. Just as He sweat drops of blood the pressure was so great, He is our example of not quitting because its unbearably hard at a point in life. We have to press on. He did it for the joy that was set before Him - you and I .

Lets suffer gladly for Him too. For those who suffer with Him, shall also reign with him.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
12,274
4,419
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#10
Your mum

I mean, she gave birth to you.
Or you sister(s) who grew up with you and know you.

Do you get along with them. Surely they can help you if they are family.

Unless youve done something terrible to hurt them, in which case, you need to ask forgiveness.

Not sure what kind of help you are asking for though.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
12,274
4,419
113
#11
You want to have kids...right. because thats what sexual desire is you just want kids.
But you cant.

so what you do is donate sperm to a bank...and then someone else can buy it and have your kids with their frozen eggs.

I think thats how it works. I could be wrong though.
 

Hungry

Senior Member
Nov 26, 2012
2,980
968
113
#12
I'm very depressed and anxious (this is a normal every day problem, for many reasons, not just the reason i posted). To the administrators, I'm not trying to cause trouble. I just want to know if anyone has any insight that I don't know about. No one can help me because everyone tells me "get married."
Get castrated. Problem solved. Next!
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
17,995
4,785
113
#13
Wow, that's depressing!

I am asking, and i DONT mean to be offended, that you accept all of these premises as true.
But I DON'T accept some of them as true, because they are demonstrably untrue. You may THINK they are true, you may stick your fingers in your ears and holler when people try to prove they are untrue, but they are just not true.

  1. I cannot get married.
  2. I cannot work.
  3. Society is so corrupt its impossible to marry and even if it were it would be an unacceptable risk (metoo), as the likelihood of it destroying my life is high.
  4. I am desperate for a woman's touch. I'm miserable, having no outlet, and pornography is sin.
  5. The above premises are not changeable.
The only one I accept as true is 4, and it's no wonder you're desperate and miserable. You think all the others are true.
If you are unwilling to accept these premises, then you can't help me. I promise I am telling the truth.
Why would we WANT to help you? You don't want help. You just want to complain about how miserable you are. Nobody is paying me to help somebody who just wants to complain.

I want to help people who want help. I have no reason to take up your ultimatum and try to help you, because you just want to kvetch.

Have fun being miserable. When you get over it and want help, come back and we'll see what we can do for you.
 
May 16, 2021
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#14
I knew I shouldn't have bothered. I'm really tired to explaining my complicated life story. I see a bunch of highly disrespectful responses. Please administrators delete this thread and delete my account. I will never bother anyone here again. For those who want to help, thank you. Be well.
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
17,995
4,785
113
#15
What do you want? You set up impossible parameters. We had nowhere to go with this.
 

kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
17,212
4,684
113
#16
I knew I shouldn't have bothered. I'm really tired to explaining my complicated life story. I see a bunch of highly disrespectful responses. Please administrators delete this thread and delete my account. I will never bother anyone here again. For those who want to help, thank you. Be well.
I wish you had stayed to hear more responses. I was in a similar situation not many years ago, feeling as you do somewhat. Today I am married in spite of all the reasons I told myself it could never happen for me.
 
May 16, 2021
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#17
I cannot work due to disability. I am not a viable partner. I live in a bad area. I really on extremely expensive medical treatment to keep alive. I want all of my lustful desires to go away. I just don't want to deal with them. Castration is not an option and that will only lead to severe mental and health problems. I'm not homosexual. Women are attractive. I wanted to know if anyone had any advice, or knows something I do not. It's open-ended because I have no clue what to do. The parameters are my situation which can't be changed outside of a miracle. I've gotten less bad responses by giving out more information, but I don't want to do that anymore. I'm going anywhere for guidance. tomorrow I'm calling a Bible teacher on the phone, and I'm probably going to schedule an appointment with my shrink (who is a Christian) in the near future. I'm responding to Lynx. Thank you Kay. I'm used to getting negative responses.
 

kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
17,212
4,684
113
#18
I cannot work due to disability. I am not a viable partner. I live in a bad area. I really on extremely expensive medical treatment to keep alive. I want all of my lustful desires to go away. I just don't want to deal with them. Castration is not an option and that will only lead to severe mental and health problems. I'm not homosexual. Women are attractive. I wanted to know if anyone had any advice, or knows something I do not. It's open-ended because I have no clue what to do. The parameters are my situation which can't be changed outside of a miracle. I've gotten less bad responses by giving out more information, but I don't want to do that anymore. I'm going anywhere for guidance. tomorrow I'm calling a Bible teacher on the phone, and I'm probably going to schedule an appointment with my shrink (who is a Christian) in the near future. I'm responding to Lynx. Thank you Kay. I'm used to getting negative responses.
I do hope you find some answers. I can't tell you I have anything to say that will help much. But my story is that I was living at home with my parents at 40 yrs old. I have a disability where I cannot work a regular job. I was in ministry and then that ended. So here I was, unable to provide for myself and on the good graces of my parents. I didn't drive, I was stuck at home. I fell into a deep depression. Behind my back my family was saying they were going to have to put me away somewhere in an old age home if anything happened to my parents. I was treated like a child. My BIL made fun of me and said if no one kissed me by my 40th birthday, he'd do me the favor. I was so low, so devastated, and just like you I wanted someone to love.

Well long story short I met a man online. We talked for some time and decided to meet in town. He was an hour away from me. We met a few times and before long we were dating. Then he moved to my town to be closer. On Christmas eve he took me to our favorite park and knelt down and asked me to marry him. I asked him if he was sure he wanted to tie himself down with me. I said yes of course. My mother was so shocked when I walked in with a diamond ring on my finger, she thought it was fake. She was the only one who stood beside me and kept me from doing something really stupid. So I do understand much of what you are feeling and I hope you find someone who can give you some help and some answers. Blessings. <3
 

Ruby123

Well-known member
Mar 1, 2019
7,374
5,793
113
#19
I do hope you find some answers. I can't tell you I have anything to say that will help much. But my story is that I was living at home with my parents at 40 yrs old. I have a disability where I cannot work a regular job. I was in ministry and then that ended. So here I was, unable to provide for myself and on the good graces of my parents. I didn't drive, I was stuck at home. I fell into a deep depression. Behind my back my family was saying they were going to have to put me away somewhere in an old age home if anything happened to my parents. I was treated like a child. My BIL made fun of me and said if no one kissed me by my 40th birthday, he'd do me the favor. I was so low, so devastated, and just like you I wanted someone to love.

Well long story short I met a man online. We talked for some time and decided to meet in town. He was an hour away from me. We met a few times and before long we were dating. Then he moved to my town to be closer. On Christmas eve he took me to our favorite park and knelt down and asked me to marry him. I asked him if he was sure he wanted to tie himself down with me. I said yes of course. My mother was so shocked when I walked in with a diamond ring on my finger, she thought it was fake. She was the only one who stood beside me and kept me from doing something really stupid. So I do understand much of what you are feeling and I hope you find someone who can give you some help and some answers. Blessings. <3
Wow, what a great and encouraging story.
 

kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
17,212
4,684
113
#20
Wow, what a great and encouraging story.

I could not have wished for more. I have a wonderful husband who is very understanding of my issues. When I am unable to do housework he never complains and just takes up the slack. I have a beautiful two story home, I never could imagine I would own anything like it in my life. The Bible says that God would give us the desires of our heart. It came later in life for me, I was in ministry for many years. My younger sister was married and had children long before me. I'm not going to say it wasn't hard and I didn't trust God like I should have. But I had a praying mother who saw me through. She adores my husband and calls him her son. We have traveled so many places together, that's how well she and he get along. I am truly blessed.