Fear of marriage

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Ruby123

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Mar 1, 2019
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If I am being honest with myself I would say I fear marriage. So many expectations required.
 
S

Scribe

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There is good news for those who are wondering if they will ever be happy being single. You actually grow out of the desire to marry. It is quite natural to completely lose the desires and motivators that you have when you are young that drive you to marriage.

Hang in there, you will soon be thanking God that you are single instead of thinking that it is a curse.

We are created to change over time. What we thought was so important 20 years ago we don't even want today.

It is revolutionary and liberating to learn how to stop feeling pressure to conform to some kind of image of the "happy life" that if we were honest with ourselves we don't even want. This need to be envied in the eyes of others is a wicked motivation at best and it is the cause for many miserable lives. Don't feel pressure to be married because you think you are a failure if you aren't.
 

Lanolin

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Dec 15, 2018
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Dating, becoming engaged, and getting married is the usual routine. I really don't think that you would date just anybody. Just an idea. :)
I date anybody who isnt boring.
Its just going out, its not to get engaged with someone to marry them.
Obviously youve never heard of children having 'playdates' or adults going out for fun or just to have company. But then maybe your idea of having fun is different.
 

Lanolin

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although cos of covid-19 I dont really go out as much as I used to. Which wasnt that often anyway.
Dating a book is also fun, I can spend hours with one and not be bored. Its doesnt have to be a romance.

some people cant do this and think everything has to be so very serious all the time or maybe they have a burning desire to marry but Ive never had that. I can never think I have a right to just impose myself on someones life. I find that strange.
 

tourist

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Mar 13, 2014
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I date anybody who isnt boring.
Its just going out, its not to get engaged with someone to marry them.
Obviously youve never heard of children having 'playdates' or adults going out for fun or just to have company. But then maybe your idea of having fun is different.
Regarding my idea of having fun I would want to get my wife's thoughts on that. Maybe it's not that the guys you would not consider dating because they are boring but rather that you just don't find them interesting. I don't remember ever having 'play dates' during my childhood. Maybe I was deprived in that regard. Probably a good thing too.
 

tourist

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although cos of covid-19 I dont really go out as much as I used to. Which wasnt that often anyway.
Dating a book is also fun, I can spend hours with one and not be bored. Its doesnt have to be a romance.

some people cant do this and think everything has to be so very serious all the time or maybe they have a burning desire to marry but Ive never had that. I can never think I have a right to just impose myself on someones life. I find that strange.
It would not be an imposition if someone would invite you into their life.
 

kinda

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Jun 26, 2013
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It is revolutionary and liberating to learn how to stop feeling pressure to conform to some kind of image of the "happy life" that if we were honest with ourselves we don't even want.
Pretty much what I have been thinking, since I was able to think.

It seems my whole life I'm supposed to be and do something else, well, if we still have freedom of choice, than I would still like to make a choice. Let me know if the rules have changed, and we no longer get to make our own decisions. Just trying to figure out what all the rules are.
 

Lanolin

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Pretty much what I have been thinking, since I was able to think.

It seems my whole life I'm supposed to be and do something else, well, if we still have freedom of choice, than I would still like to make a choice. Let me know if the rules have changed, and we no longer get to make our own decisions. Just trying to figure out what all the rules are.
theres no rules only someone who made a book of rules called 'the rules' that nobody reads or follows.
 

Lanolin

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It would not be an imposition if someone would invite you into their life.
you dont know how dysfunctional some families can be. Maybe its better that way.
its easier if you are creating a new life and not just going on what your families lifestyle is. Women also dont really get a say where they live and what they do for the most part. Its different for men They get all the say, they can get banks approval and they get to call the shots, or assume they do.

despite advance for women, its still very much a mans world where women only have minority say in any major decision.
 

tourist

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Mar 13, 2014
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despite advance for women, its still very much a mans world where women only have minority say in any major decision.
This depends a lot on your choice for a spouse. If you go strictly on your previous family environment your perception on dating and marriage in general may become a bit skewed. Actually, I have a good idea on how dysfunctional families are. The thing is, despite any dysfunctions in other relationships and marriages this does not have to be the way it would be for you should you chose to pursue a relationship leading to marriage. Despite your lack of experience in the dating area you seem bitter and heartbroken. This is truly sad.
 

Tararose

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Sep 30, 2020
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Marriage... it’s one of those things the majority of folks seem to want until they have it sadly.

There are the exceptions. I know a few :) only a few mind you 🤷‍♀️.

People used to marry for much more practical reasons than they do now, (well
In the UK and many other places anyway. ) We now succumb to the Disney Fairy tale romance ideal and although it is highly desirable in a way, it is rarely - if ever. - real life.
Emotions change in reality, people
Change too... that is normal life. Commitment to a spouse (unless it’s Due to violence or unfaithfulness etc.) shouldn’t alter because of it though.

I definitely Think that the fear many of us have is based ( often on experience!) both in the concern about being deceived (Deliberately or otherwise) by the person they marry, ie them turning out to be not who you thought... or by them being disappointed in you and quitting or going off with someone else. At a certain age you do stop falling for every pretty face and realise that people often aren’t who you thought they were and that can prevent you taking risks. The hormones and inexperience seem to block that out in youth lol which is why I guess Christians are so keen to find someone and marry as soon as they can. Better to marry than burn etc.
 

true_believer

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Sep 24, 2020
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This why one has to rely heavily on divine guidance and advice from a competent Christian counselor before tying the knot with someone. Much misery can be avoided this way.
 

soggykitten

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Jul 3, 2020
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Sharing with you as one who was in a really bad marriage.
Don't let the experiences of myself or others influence your thoughts as to what is a good or bad marriage for you.
When you're single you have your whole life in front of you. As a Christian God will send you the one that is meant for you.
Often times though we have to encounter a few bad apples along the way. That's why it is important to take your time. Don't rush yourself into any relationship much less marriage.
And whatever you do do not compromise your values just to land someone you think you want, is meant for your life, if only you can overlook certain issues in them. That's compromising your values. Don't do it. Trust experience having done that same thing in my life and living to regret it.

I had this idea of what was the ideal husband. Then I met this guy long years after I started dating. We talked for a long while and then I started to do that inventory many single women do when meeting someone they think may just be the one.
There they were, those qualities I was looking for.
As we talked more there were certain things in his past that I stupidly let myself think, oh, that's who he use to be!That's not who he is now.
Oh Lord, if we could go back in time and correct our mistakes.

In any case, don't do that! EVER!
If someone you're dating shows you a dark side, or has certain qualities you don't approve due to your spiritual place in the church whatever you do do not think you can change that about them. You can't. They were that person before they met you. That they have now met you and are showing you that side of themselves tells you they are comfortable there. And have no concerns about how it will appear to you or anyone else when they show that side of themselves.

Now, there are some people who are great Oscar worthy actors. And that's because they're narcissistic. They want what they want and they'll do what they know they need to do to achieve that goal. This doesn't change when they're dating.
Oh, they'll be everything you want in a man/woman. Great actors of that sort can meet you and in a very short period of time know exactly what they need to do to make themselves attractive to your wants and needs. They're salespeople.

When that works and they've hooked you it all changes. Because living fake takes a lot of energy.
It's like liars. There are the pathological type and there are the compulsive type. They're both bad news.
The thing about the truth? You don't have to work to remember it. The truth is. And always shall be.
The lie is a fabrication that can be manufactured in great detail. However, those details being untrue need to be recalled in order to uphold that lie as truth. And that takes work and one heck of a memory. As time passes the detailed memory fades.
When recalling that false truth the liar will slip. And if you pay attention and have a good memory yourself you'll see that. Don't excuse it. Take it as a sign what you're being told may be a lie.

There's an old wisdom that says, if you can't trust someone to tell you the truth you can't trust them.

Boy is that a fact! Personal experience there again.

Those salespeople I talked about are those type liars. Some are compulsive. Some are pathological. You don't want to date much less marry that.

Take your time. And follow your gut. If you get a bad feeling about that person you're dating, pay attention. Holy spirit God leads you into the light not the darkness.

And whatever you do, don't ever ever ever ever settle for less than you want or deserve just to have someone in your life. That's dating or marriage. Because when you settle you're selling yourself short. And most importantly, you're following your will over that of God's.
If you have to settle to be in a relationship that's God telling you that one is not the one.

Don't be afraid of marriage. There is nothing quite like that blessing of having the God given perfect person for your life. A friend, which is very important and should always come first before love. Because if you are friends first you're building a trust that leads to the deeper relationship that is love.
A friend, a lover, a life long companion whom you trust and that respects you. Respect is vital for both of you. If you don't respect one another you can't love one another. And if your boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife doesn't respect you, or vice versa, that will always be an issue for everything else in your relationship. Which is a bad one without respect.

May each of you be blessed to find the one God has in store for you.
 

Lanolin

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Dec 15, 2018
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haha salespeople I know how they operate cos they are always thinking of 'the bottom line' caveat emptor...it will creep up in their conversation, if they ever talk about return on investment....run.

women are not chattels anymore but its amazing how men continue to badly treat women in this day and age. I just think they need educating and it starts young, from when they are boys.
If you ever work in schools you see how boys naturally treat girls with disdain! They insult them, put them down, exclude them from playing games and push them around. Then as they grow up they learn they cant live without them and so try all sorts of tricks to get them on their side. but that schoolyard bullying doesnt go away...its still there under the surface that as girls grow into women the boys that grow into men think they have a right to rule over them.


I went to a wedding last week and it was lovely, though I dont think the bride was afraid of it, since she had already been engaged for about 18 years. What she was mostly afraid of was not walking straight down the aisle. she had her uncle give her away but thing was her mum was a bit mad at her for being late, having had to go to the toilet on the way.

We just sat there for half an hour while the organ repeated itself.....lol.

I made the mistake of saying to the husband well you are married now you need to listen to your wife. he took it as an insult and said he always listened to her and asked if I was trying to be funny. I wasnt sure what to say back but I knew from numerous instances that he often tuned out and did things his own way without really considering her feelings. Let it be said that women are emotional creatures and hurt easily, they are not built tough. I know!
 

IToreTheSky

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Aug 20, 2020
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It's certainly one thing to listen to a woman but to hear her is what really counts. It took a 9 yr failed marriage and a 5 yr relationship to slowly crumble,and various odd things to transpire in my life to understand this.
I have not perfected true love but if the whole of the law is fulfilled by one thing and that thing is love then I will by God's grace keep doing that.
Oh and a side note, women do love a man who does dishes. I find this covers over a multitude of sins. 😋

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Ruby123

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Mar 1, 2019
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It's certainly one thing to listen to a woman but to hear her is what really counts. It took a 9 yr failed marriage and a 5 yr relationship to slowly crumble,and various odd things to transpire in my life to understand this.
I have not perfected true love but if the whole of the law is fulfilled by one thing and that thing is love then I will by God's grace keep doing that.
Oh and a side note, women do love a man who does dishes. I find this covers over a multitude of sins. 😋

View attachment 222363
or you could just get a cat who enjoys washing the dishes lol
 

Lanolin

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Dec 15, 2018
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They do have an automatic dishwasher....

For me it would be the vaccuming but I think I would invest in one of those robot things. He can wash the car though and make it shiny.
If had children I would be tempted to set them to work instead of allowing them to go off to school where they would just end up playing computer games lol...its the 'in' teaching method these days. They might end up brilliant computer programmers one day though, who knows.

But I do think its more important to listen to your wife instead of listening to the radio/tv/computer. Today mum called out to dad, he didnt hear her, was much to busy listening to his you tube things. . She needed help cutting her hair. She got mad at him for not hearing, and he got mad that she didnt call loud enough.

ahh married life.
 
F

FelicityAnn

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Some interesting responses. All opinions have some merit, I guess.
 

Encouragement

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Aug 25, 2020
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Some interesting responses. All opinions have some merit, I guess.
Thanks for checking out this thread..I created it many weeks ago..I am surprised it's still going..great to hear so many honest views 👍👍😊