Single Men It's Time to Step Up!

[ServantStrike]

Another explanatory statistic, specifically addressing the fact that women divorce men at a dramatically higher rate than men divorce women, is that studies have found men are far more inclined to stay in a marriage which both partners find unfulfilling than women are. Statistically, most men will remained married in an unfulfilling marriage and operate on "auto-pilot" while women will not. 68% of divorced men polled state they never even saw the divorce coming. 90% of divorced women polled say they did... which makes sense as they usually initiated it.

Here's an idea.

Set clear, concise ground rules when the relationship starts getting serious. Write crap down. When you get married, write more crap down.

Spend time periodically reading this crap. The following are not optional and need to be agreed upon by both parties ahead of time:
-Financial distribution of total household income
-Joint or individual checking
-Retirement planning
-Maximum purchase price without consulting the spouse first
-A complete budget with the most accurate estimates possible (to be reviewed and modified every 6 months)
-How many children will be had
-Adopt or sire your own children
-What is or isn't acceptable behavior in the bedroom
-Frequency of said behavior in the bedroom (with a min and a max range)
-How often "date night" needs to happen
-What constitutes a "date night"
-How many hours a week must be spent together (as a bare minimum)
-Used versus new automobile
-How frequenty to replace automobiles
-How frequently to pray together
-How often to update your spouse about serious changes at work or in personal life
-How frequently updates are required

And most importantly, there needs to be a provision for monitoring all of this. The two parties must agree upon what the measure is for these various performance metrics, and then they need to change behavior based upon these metrics.

All of this crap is important, but it still doesn't negate the golden rule - do unto others as you would have them do unto you. In a marriage, each party belongs to the other. Some love and respect goes a long way, kindness, generosity, forgiveness, and charity go even farther.

I doubt there have been very many marriages that have failed when the most common stumbling blocks have been removed and mitigated (finances, children, adultery, bad sex life, boundary issues, lack of encouragement, ...). And frankly, where both parties went into the marriage with a servant mind set, the couple prayed together, and spent time in the word together, all of this other noise is just that - noise. But in case that somehow fails, then you've got a system in place to monitor for failures before they occur.

 

[sc81]

Not to say that you need to like or endorse the pastor, but you would be mistaken to take exhortation and encouragement directed toward men as a universal statement of blame towards men or as a universal absolvement of responsibility toward women because it is neither. I will say, though, that the video title doesn't really accurately reflect the video as it's not a "calling out" as much as it is an exhortation and encouragement--a "You can do it!" of sorts.

it's not encouraging by telling men they should be exhausted every night or they aren't working hard enough. Sick of these new age type pastors, you can't tell any difference between their preaching style and secular motivational speakers

 

[AgeofKnowledge]

In my observations, the evangelical mantra in Christendom presently is to blame men. It almost doesn't matter what problem is being discussed. It can be the decline of the family, the state of dating relationships, etc...

It's politically correct in our increasingly anti-Christ culture to blame men and evangelical Christianity has materially aligned itself with this behavior and done so at a time when men are increasingly distressed, devalued, and disenfranchised.

The reasons for this are manifold and range from the rise of an anti-male feminist culture and body of law to a rapid decline in the domestic labor market complicated by a transformation from an industrial based manufacturing economy which provided men with enormous numbers of good paying jobs to a service economy that doesn't.

Men are reacting increasingly by simply disengaging from "it" all and going their own way. Who wants to give their all anymore only to end up poor, divorced, in bondage to family court where most of what they make goes to an ex who turned the children they financially support against them or face incarceration by a culture that ridicules and blames them for all of its woes?

Now many men still do push aside the culture war against them and give it their all for God, family, and country. They should be commended for it not blamed for everything that's not right. Obviously, men react to encouragement and benefits positively too.

But increasingly I look at the statistics and see men disengaging from a culture that ridicules them, blames them for everything that's wrong, holds them legally and financially accountable for everything that's wrong whether or not they had any part in it, and reduces their position and benefits while increasing their liabilities.

One not need be a socio-economist to know where that's going, just pick up a newspaper. Increasingly, men are disengaging from societal institutions and the work required to maintain them and going their own way with an eye toward enjoying the decline. And, of course, they are blamed for doing so...

 

[Oncefallen]

O.K. Then fair enough, but really the next question is.....How many of your Christian girl friends from church have you really seen doing these activities? Or are you assuming they are Christian girls?

A friend of mine started going to a singles group at one of the larger churches here in town (I won't mention the denomination) because the church he regularly attended did not have a singles ministry of any type. He quit going quick because he said it was more of a hookup club (several "Christian ladies" tried to get him into bed within his first couple of weeks) than a church ministry. The sad thing is that huge numbers of "Christian" singles seem to completely ignore scripture's clear teaching on sexual purity.

 

[agirlandherguitar]

Beware of some of those singles groups. They mean well, but yeah... meat market! I went to a Young Adults large group every second week on the nose before my teaching job took over my evenings. I met a lot of great people but it wasn't until after I stopped going I realized the ongoing joke is that you're going to find your soul mate at Young Adults. Well, I met some great friends and formed a small bible study group through there... but no soul mate! Talk about disillusionment for a first timer.

 

[zeroturbulence]

...........

 

[A_Friend_In_Christ]

No........!

 

[Bate]

Amazing discussions and arguements!

http://christianchat.com/christian-singles-forum/95422-9-reasons-christian-single-ladies-women.html

http://christianchat.com/christian-...f-you-have-already-read-part-1-9-reasons.html

 

[Roh_Chris]

I am going to reply to the OP as there are too many responses to read. I apologize if I am repeating what someone said or if I am digressing from the course of this thread.

I know this is a complicated and touchy subject for all of us, so think clearly before you respond. The title of this post was taken from the following article.

The first post I wrote just now (and promptly deleted after a change of heart) complained bitterly about the passivity of men in the Christian community. I had written a similar post a few years ago regarding single men and their lacklustre approach towards single women, leaning heavily on my own frustrating experiences with men who always admired from afar but were too chicken to actually approach me. I'm not gonna be easy... and no woman who is worth it is gonna be easy for you, stallion.

In my experience beautiful Christ-centred women (I know many!) are sitting there waiting for a Christ-centred man to approach them, to make a move, to be a leader, to fight... and yet there they sit waiting and waiting and the men don't come. Why is this happening? Where are you guys?

But there are two sides to every story and I'm trying to do some fair research on the topic after an older woman approached me and incredulously asked me why I wasn't married and the best answer I could muster up was, "I guess I just haven't met him yet", which sits on my chest heavily laden with spiritual concern for the men in our church. I have my own issues to deal with, as all women do, so I'm not going to blame men entirely for my own experience. But I don't want to make this post about me.

The article I linked is a good first glimpse inside this matter. If you feel that it's a TLDR (Too Long Didn't Read) type of deal then allow me to highlight some of, what I feel, are the best points made:

Women still want men to lead them. This means being an initiator of the relationship. Don't give us that "it's the 21st Century" spiel. WE. WANT. YOU. TO. LEAD.

Men are not preparing themselves to be the men they should be. That means morally, financially, spiritually and relationally.

It is okay to ask God for a wife! My favourite part of this article is this: Spiritual development also involves the building of a prayer life. Speaking of which, it is surprising how few men actually ask God for a wife. Of all things, why would we leave this matter off our prayer list? Perhaps some would argue that it is unspiritual to pray about such a thing, that if God intends us to be married we should disengage from the process and allow Him to override our neutrality. Being neutral is fine if it means surrender and waiting by faith on God's answer (which, by the way, first demands that a request be made), but it is not fine if it implies apathy or cowardice.

The key words here are apathy and cowardice. Does this sound like you or somebody you know?

Lastly, this life is a journey. Take a risk, trust in God, surround yourself with other Christians and meet single women, befriend us and don't be afraid of us! If you want to be loved then you must first love. Ask yourself this: If you believe God has already met you in the depths of your soul then what have you got to lose? Open your hearts, gents. We are waiting for you and we love you!

First of all, this is a wonderful post. Thank you for writing about this.

I agree with you that many men are not preparing themselves to be what they should be. Some of them are just oblivious to life's responsibilities while some others prefer to cower behind the statement "God is in-charge of my life". I am not implying that we must not be led by God, but I am criticizing the notion held by many Christians that they ought to cool their heels while simply expecting God to work things out for them. To me, that smacks of immaturity and a gross misunderstanding of God's position in our lives.

In my social circle, I have come across many such people who are incapable of making a decision for themselves. Whether it is about their next career move or their choice of education or their finances, many men (and women, equally) prefer to be "led" by what the church and their parents dictate. Perhaps it is because of the cultural factor since leadership in Indian culture has traditionally been authoritative.

Another factor that could contribute to men "not pursuing women", is because most men are very confused about the women they like. That confusion, coupled with the fear of rejection, can make any man reluctant to pursue his love interest. I doubt if there is a "one-size-fits-all" solution for this problem, but all help from the womenfolk would be most welcomed, including but not limited to - dropping subtle hints, positive responses, and even perhaps a knock to the head with a sledgehammer.

Although a man must play the lead role in pursuing a woman, I think there will be exceptions when a woman could pursue her man. It does not, in any way, diminish the man's status as being the sole authority of his household. Apart from the relationship, I think women must not be submissive to a man's opinion/rule. When it comes to matters concerning the family/couple, the woman must let her opinion be known to her man. A healthy relationship is one where both partners can disagree on a particular subject and still resolve it amicably. In my opinion, a woman who prefers to let her man decide for her is as immature as a man who prefers to never take a decision himself.

 

[Susanna]

Well, whenever I'm reading these threads on here some people are hoot 'n hollerin about all the bad stuff men/women do. Going by what these posters on here are posting I get the impression that men and women are two evil species just waiting for an opportunity to erase the other party. Men are always deceivers and women are always trying to set men up somehow. Well, I don't know any of those men and women...never seen nor heard of them...but apparently they are alive and kicking in society according to these posters..or maybe I am the one too stupid to recognize them?

 

[JesusLives]

Amen, Chandler Fan. Great words of wisdom, brother! We've missed you!

ServantStrike, yes, men often look at the physical appearance before anything else, but not always. I didn't know what Arlene looked like, being online and all. If I went by her avatar picture, I'd have good reason to think she was a cartoon taco. Not that there's anything wrong with tacos. One of the advantages of starting a relationship online, is that you can work on your spiritual and emotional foundations long before you experience the physical. The downside is that the girl/woman you could be talking to, might actually turn out to be a dude.

I agree with the talking online/writing aspect of this as I fell in love with tourist long before seeing him face to face and we learned much about each other through our writings. We were honest with each other and accepted each other for who we are....he also knew I would nag him about smoking as we were full disclosure but this nagging is done out of love as I want him to be around as long as possible.

Tourist is a man who has been stepping up for quite some time now and honestly I don't believe he needed to step up as he was already there just continuing what he has had going on for many years. I am the lucky one.....

 

[Chopper]

...until you find yourself posted up in front of a family court judge with grip of no fault divorce paperwork in hand.

Interestingly; however, Australia is one of the very best places to marry in Westernized countries. The divorce rate is only 27.6%. That's very low by Western standards. Another plus in Australia is that most divorces are occurring after the children are raised, which reduces financial liabilities for the primary breadwinner. And, of course, the divorce rate for Australians who adhere to a traditional religion in both belief and consistent practice is markedly lower than that 27.6%.

I'm not kidding when I say a man who marries a Christian Australian woman and faithfully lives out the Christian worldview daily with her has a very low risk of divorce statistically speaking.

I knew there had to be another reason I wanted to go to Australia besides the beautiful country!

 

[Lynx]

Well, whenever I'm reading these threads on here some people are hoot 'n hollerin about all the bad stuff men/women do. Going by what these posters on here are posting I get the impression that men and women are two evil species just waiting for an opportunity to erase the other party. Men are always deceivers and women are always trying to set men up somehow. Well, I don't know any of those men and women...never seen nor heard of them...but apparently they are alive and kicking in society according to these posters..or maybe I am the one too stupid to recognize them?

Yes Susanna, all you say is true. But it should not be brought up here, because it gets in the way of complaining. People take complaining very seriously and devote much time, sometimes many hours a day to the task.

You should not interfere with their complaining. If, God forbid, you should mention that there is a lot of complaining going on, they will immediately begin complaining about you. In fact I shouldn't wonder if you got a PM or two because you had the unmitigated temerity to imply their complaining was baseless.

It reminds me of when I worked as a cashier at a Taco Bell. MOST FUN JOB EVER! If they could have given me 40 hours a week I'd probably still be there, even at minimum wage. I met so many neat people there! And there were the regular customers that I got to know a bit. Sure there were a few rubes, maybe one jerk out of any given three hundred customers, but most of the people were fun to talk to. Yeah, I said it - I had fun taking their orders and serving them.

But to listen to some of the other cashiers, the whole town was full of jerks. They never talked about all the nice people, they only complained (and complained and complained and complained and...) about a rude customer. One rude customer was good for a whole three hours or so of complaining, and maybe fifteen minutes more if another employee came in later that they wanted to fill in on how rude that guy was.

Were these different groups of customers? Was I somehow attracting nicer people just by me being behind the cash register, while other cashiers drew out the jerks? No, it was the same kind of crowd of customers. It was just a matter of where I focused and where the other cashiers focused.

So... yeah. Some people just gonna complain. They will focus in like a friggin laser on the one thing they don't like and complain about it, blithely ignoring all the good things they run over in their pursuit of their God-given right to complain. If they can't find anything to complain about they will invent something. There is no way to stop them. The best thing to do is just listen politely and then move on.

(Which explains why this is the longest post I have made to date in this kind of thread.)

 

[AgeofKnowledge]

If you're serious about travel abroad for the purpose of avoiding divorce, you should investigate the Philippines. Divorce is illegal in the Philippines for non-Muslims. The best that can be accomplished is an annulment which means that it's as if the marriage never occurred meaning no financial liability beyond child support if children are involved.

The Philippines also just happens to be teeming with beautiful Pinoy women that like Western men (including older Western men) and have traditional conservative Christian/Catholic family values.

Of course, this means you have to show care and concern for the Filipina's family in both word and deed but if you endear yourself to them you'll have gained two families instead of just one.

Enjoy:

I knew there had to be another reason I wanted to go to Australia besides the beautiful country!

 

[Chopper]

I can only dream of "traveling" as I have next no money, and have never been out of the USA.

 

[AgeofKnowledge]

Western jails are populated by poor males who's only crime is they couldn't pay alimony and child support. Of course, they can't pay alimony and child support in jail so...

Jail Becomes Home for Husband Stuck With Lifetime Alimony - Bloomberg

Maybe you should just count your blessings. Better to be single than divorced and in jail.

I can only dream of "traveling" as I have next no money, and have never been out of the USA.

 

[AgeofKnowledge]

Hehe... I knew biscuit would like that one... haha.

 

[Rachel20]

If you're serious about travel abroad for the purpose of avoiding divorce, you should investigate the Philippines. Divorce is illegal in the Philippines for non-Muslims. The best that can be accomplished is an annulment which means that it's as if the marriage never occurred meaning no financial liability beyond child support if children are involved.

The Philippines also just happens to be teeming with beautiful Pinoy women that like Western men (including older Western men) and have traditional conservative Christian/Catholic family values.

Of course, this means you have to show care and concern for the Filipina's family in both word and deed but if you endear yourself to them you'll have gained two families instead of just one.

Enjoy:

So glad that India is not mentioned !




PS - We have the lowest divorce rates in the world [0.30 in 2011] and we have awesome weddings, where everyone dances and there's a lot of fun and fanfare.


We clearly don't like just about any western men and we tend to be wary around older western men (they may be considered creepy)

 

[seoulsearch]

When older men mention the P.I. (Philippines) as a place to scout for beautiful young brides, why do they also never mention things such as sex trafficking (young girls being sold by their own families) and the fact that many of those beautiful young Pinoy women are looking for a means of survival, both for them and their families?

As with any place, not everyone is like that, but the family I was married into was 3/4 Filipino and lived in the Philippines as well. My then-husband was watching a talk show in which the P.I. was being criticized for prostituting its young girls and looking to American and European men as cash cows.

The native Filipinos on the show were visibly shaken, and my ex-husband, who is half Filipino and was raised there all his life, said, "Why in the world are those people getting upset? It's not like they can argue because it's all true!"

I just think it's crazy that so many times here on CC, one extreme will be mentioned... but not all the things that go along with it. I am certainly not trying to slam the P.I. or its people, BUT, I think it's important to keep a balanced view and older men tend to only mention all the "benefits." ("Grandpa's With Benefits" instead of "Friends With Benefits"...)

In other words, sure, the P.I. CAN be a great place to find a child-aged wife.

It's also a great draw for pedophiles as well.

And of COURSE a woman in a very poor country typically isn't going to divorce her foreign husband. He's paying for her and her family to survive.

 

[Chopper]

LOL @ "cash cows" ... if that's the case, all I can give is cow patties... lol