Hey Everyone,
As singles, many of us talk about "loneliness"--but how would YOU personally define loneliness?
I don't know about you, but I can be (and am often) surrounded by people, but feel completely alone. I have also been in relationships, and even married, and felt the hollow, empty sting of loneliness as well (it was even worse then, knowing that this would be my situation forever, before it collapsed completely.)
For me, loneliness is a lack of being able to be myself and express what I'm thinking. All too often around other people, I put on "The Mask" we all wear and carry on throughout the day. I dutifully listen to what other people are talking about, and because I'm always curious, I can find a wide range of topics I know nothing about to be interesting. But getting someone else interested in what I'd like to talk about (the threads I write are a good example) is usually like pulling teeth, and I would rather be alone than constantly listening to others without them ever asking or showing an interest in what I'd like to talk about, too. If the conversation isn't going in two directions (with the exception of someone being in need, of course), I'd actually rather be by myself. To me, silence is a better companion than indifference.
Granted, I can't fault people at all for this because I have a pretty zany thought process. For example, I try to start my day with a devotional, so maybe in the morning, I'd want to talk about a passage I read (and I'd hope the other person would share something with me, too.) By midday, I might have read an interesting psychological aspect of a high-profile crime in the news (and I wish I had someone to talk to about it and ask them what they think.) By evening, it's been a long, hard day, and maybe it would be nice to spend time with someone and not say anything at all, but just have an exchange of knowing glances that said, "I'm exhausted. Let's just chill and watch a movie, please."
I guess for me, loneliness is the absence of sharing my raw, unedited self around another human being--and having enough trust between us that the other person will the same around me.
For me, loneliness is a state of being that can happen both when I'm alone and when I'm around other people.
And to be honest, I think it's even worse when I'm around others, because I lose hope that I'll ever find someone again (I had it once) with whom I have such a deep level of expression with, because that was the only time I felt like I belonged with someone and wasn't so alone.
Now I'd like to know YOUR thoughts on loneliness:
* What is loneliness to you?
* Is it worse when you're alone or with others?
* What makes you NOT feel lonely?
I know that God is supposed to be complete us and is always there with us.
But sometimes, as I sit and read the Bible, I feel even more alone when all I seem to sense is the deafening silence of the God who is always with me, but whose answer I all to often don't understand.
Thank you for sharing, and God bless. <3
How do YOU cope?
Oh, Kim... ^_^ *complex-level sigh* I do so enjoy and appreciate your threads, and thank you for posting. Thank you also for your thoughtfulness, sincerity, openness, and curiosity. I often find it refreshing.
Please forgive me, for many things, but to start with...answering out of sequence. Please forgive me for contributing to your feeling of not having someone to talk to, or feeling like having conversation with your threads is like pulling teeth. Too often, I lack the will to battle indifference and passivity. I, more often than not, skim through each of your threads, but often don't take the time to actually read through it all thoughtfully. Even more, I often fail to take the further time and intentionality of responding. For all these, and others I'm sure, please forgive me, Kim. I meant no harm, but intentions and realities are often less correlated than we like to believe.
Well, the prologue now being complete, on to the introductory summation of things to come:
Loneliness is the feeling and effect of an absence or void in a person on a spiritual, mental, emotional, physical, or relational level. I'll explain.
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Spiritual Loneliness - This is commonly referred to as 'The God-Shaped Hole'. There is a design, I believe, in each of us that requires/needs God. We all know it's there, as so well pointed out by Thoreau. We live lives of quiet ( or sometimes noisy) desperation with the knowledge that something is missing.
That something is Christ, and no matter what we try to fill that hole with, only God fits there. We're only left feeling empty and alone without Him. I'm a personal example. There was a time in my life I could deeply identify with that statement, Kim, by which you titled this thread. I felt desperately empty and alone. I had known God all my life, but this growing hole inside of me (I like to think of it like erosion) just kept becoming more and more unbearable. I'd often cry myself to sleep at night, and felt next to no connection with anyone. Isolated. Alone. Empty. Fake. It was pretty awful, and I couldn't stand it. As someone who once almost committed suicide, that empty, lonely feeling was worse than my deepest, darkest, most painful depression had ever been.
So, one night, in my early college years, I cried to God. I'd had enough, and I told Him with all sincerity that I couldn't keep living like that(this). I didn't want to face another day feeling even more empty and alone than I had before, and if that was what the future had in store for me, than I didn't want a future. I asked Him to please take my loneliness away from me. I cried out and reached out in that little prayer, and so similarly to many nights before...cried myself to sleep.
If that was the end of the story, it would be very sad, but it's not. The next morning, when I awoke...you may not believe it, but...my loneliness? It was gone. That gaping hole...that empty, erosive, isolated feeling was nowhere to be found. I knew it's exact place, and can still locate it even now as I'm typing this. Here's the thing though...God answered my prayer. He took that feeling, that hole, and replaced or filled it with Himself. I now feel Him there, instead of what I felt before.
I'm not saying it's this overwhelming fire burning in my chest. I just simply feel Him where that hole used to be, and am aware of His presence there in me. It's like holding someone's hand. Even though they may let go, you can still feel where they were holding your hand. Well, for me, I can still feel where that loneliness was, but it's not there anymore. God is.
I earnestly believe the same is true for everyone else in the world. We all have a place that only God can fill. Will you find that place of crying out for Him to fill you? Will you let go of your life, and ask God to take it from you? I honestly don't think there's any other way to fill that void or lose that feeling. No matter what you do, only God can take that from you.
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Mental Loneliness - This is what you might need to visit a psychologist for. Chemically, there are things in your brain that can cause the feeling of loneliness. If you suffer from clinical depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, or several other mental illnesses...part of the side effects are feeling alone. There are also medications which cause these chemical reactions in your brain that make you feel alone or disconnected. It's surprising just how much humans really are chemical creatures. Those elements in our lives make monumental differences in our thought process, feelings, outlook, etc etc...
Now, there's also what I'm going to call
Type 2 Mental Loneliness, which is a feeling that doesn't necessarily persist in your life, but is more like
nostalgia. You feel and think and behave just fine on a regular or average basis, but if a certain something acts a trigger, feelings of loneliness arise. I'll give another example from my own life.
On most days, I don't necessarily feel alone, depressed, etc now, but if I watch movies or anime, read stories, or listen to music which is romantic or sorrowful....it can make me feel alone or depressed. You see, there's a moment where the experience is innocent and raw and present, but those certain scenes or words or feelings expressed through art and media will remind me of my past relationships and experiences. The memory of those things being brought to the forefront also has feelings associated with it, and sometimes loneliness or depression are rekindled as a side effect.
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Emotional Loneliness - I think is a little closer or more like what you were talking about, Kim. You have a feeling associated with an experience. It's usually a good feeling (or at least one you desire), but as circumstances change...you no longer have that feeling. You remember, miss, and want to feel it again.
This could be feeling happy or free. This could be a feeling of excitement and adventure, or the feeling of security and comfort. It could be experiencing new things, or just being able to get away from everything. It could be feeling like what you consider to be more of the 'true you', or feeling like you were a better version of yourself there. Whatever the feeling is, you felt more for having it and less for not. You try to get it back, and this emotional loneliness.
This is a dangerous type of loneliness. A lot of people who fall into addiction were guided there by this feeling, and the desire to escape it.
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Physical Loneliness - Compared to the others, this ones a little more straight forward/easier to remedy. Physical loneliness literally just comes out of the human desire to be touched. Science teaches us that the average person desires some type of physical contact at least 6 times a day. For those of you who don't like to be touched...stay isolated with absolutely no contact or communication with anyone, and you too will find this to be true after long enough.
Often times, for different reasons, people are not in a place where these needs are met. Whether it's due to reservation or circumstance, we're left with no tangible expression (both to give or receive) of love, and that can understandably make you feel lonesome.
Many people overcome this by getting pets. You fulfill that need for physical interaction by being able to hold, pet, cuddle, touch, etc...your pet. Whether it's a person or an animal, the point is that you have a living creature to physically interact with. Whether consciously or unconsciously, most of us desire this type of interaction to varying degrees.
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Relational Loneliness - This one is a bit tricky, and harder to explain than the others. This void tends to be something like the lack of fulfilling a social desire. So, let me try to explain...
Perhaps you have friends, family, even a significant other, church, etc in your life that are pretty good. They treat you well, and you treat them well. It isn't like anything is particularly wrong...but you don't feel very close or deeply connected to anyone. You just want someone who understands who you really are and still accepts and loves you on that level. This type of loneliness has to do more with what you're looking for than what you may have had (the opposite of nostalgia or emotional type loneliness).
So, another example of this could be a deep desire to..oh, let's say lead, but no one really respects or understands you enough to want your leadership. This leaves you feeling unfulfilled, and therefore like you can't relate with others from how you identify yourself.
It's subtle and complicated, but this type of loneliness can be the toughest to overcome, because there's really not an answer you give someone for it. They just need to seek God (from a Christian perspective), and let Him lead them into that place of connection or fulfillment. When and How? I don't know. No one does. You just have to hope and trust in God to help you realize those things, and maybe try different approaches toward attain them. Be willing to grow and change; try different things; be patient; be active... it's not really the type of loneliness you talk your way out of, take a pill for, or fix by finding a new friend, job, or romantic partner.
If anything, I guess you just need to be willing to sacrifice whatever you have to find that fulfillment, or be willing to sacrifice that very thing you are so desperately wanting fulfilled.
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...and, those are my thoughts on loneliness. Is it worse around others or when you're isolated? Mm...depends. I've experienced both pretty drastically.
As for not feeling lonely or coping... Hmm...
Well, I think you get the 'give it up to God' part of this answer. Change what movies, music, and such you are filling your heart, mind, and day with. Like Paul says, try to focus on things that are going to encourage and inspire you, instead of drag you down.
Play with some dogs...join some clubs or go out with friends/family...do some hobbies you enjoy...
For me, a lot of it is a shift in focus/a little bit of escapism. I'm busy with work most of the time, and when I'm not, it's church or games or anime or sleep...
I don't think there's a 'one size fits all' type answer, but try to find ways/things that make you think and feel better.
Robin Williams' answer for it in his own life was trying to make other people laugh. Sort of the Patch Adams story, but in real life...