-
Christian Chat is a moderated online Christian community allowing Christians around the world to fellowship with each other in real time chat via webcam, voice, and text, with the Christian Chat app. You can also start or participate in a Bible-based discussion here in the Christian Chat Forums, where members can also share with each other their own videos, pictures, or favorite Christian music.
If you are a Christian and need encouragement and fellowship, we're here for you! If you are not a Christian but interested in knowing more about Jesus our Lord, you're also welcome! Want to know what the Bible says, and how you can apply it to your life? Join us!
To make new Christian friends now around the world, click here to join Christian Chat.
R
I'm going to be different from most of the answers here.
I find that most Christian women, who can't seem to find someone have impossibly high standards for a husband.
They want them to be strong spiritual leaders, and to do many things that make their lives and spirituality easy.
Or something like that.
Most of the time, when they describe the kind of man they want, they are describing Jesus.
No one can measure up to Jesus.
There will be flaws in every man you meet.
The idea is to try and find someone you know will strive to do well for you, even if they make mistakes.
Sometimes you may ask God, why haven't you sent me anyone, when there are many single men around you whom you know who could already make you happy if not for one or two deal breakers you have set up yourself.
- Ringer
I find that most Christian women, who can't seem to find someone have impossibly high standards for a husband.
They want them to be strong spiritual leaders, and to do many things that make their lives and spirituality easy.
Or something like that.
Most of the time, when they describe the kind of man they want, they are describing Jesus.
No one can measure up to Jesus.
There will be flaws in every man you meet.
The idea is to try and find someone you know will strive to do well for you, even if they make mistakes.
Sometimes you may ask God, why haven't you sent me anyone, when there are many single men around you whom you know who could already make you happy if not for one or two deal breakers you have set up yourself.
- Ringer
Single-christian-mom, you may not agree to what I am saying below, but spare a minute and read what I am saying.
1) Marriage is a unification between a man and a woman. You need to be a woman, complete in yourself, before you walk down that aisle towards your man. There is no point in jumping into marriage if you are not a complete woman - spiritually, career-wise, financially and socially. Having a life partner will not complete you in ANY way. He is only a life partner - someone to share your faith, plans, your ideas, your emotions, your dreams, etc.
2) Reading your post, I think you are too eager to get married and that makes you 'desperate' - no man would fall for a woman who is desperate to get married.
3) This part of life is the best you will ever get. It seems to me that you have not enjoyed the independence that a single life can offer you. Imagine having a good job and spending the way you want to - travelling, sports, socialising, etc. etc. Believe me when you get married, all the liberty and independence will go for a toss! It is better you do not rush it otherwise you may regret it later.
1) Marriage is a unification between a man and a woman. You need to be a woman, complete in yourself, before you walk down that aisle towards your man. There is no point in jumping into marriage if you are not a complete woman - spiritually, career-wise, financially and socially. Having a life partner will not complete you in ANY way. He is only a life partner - someone to share your faith, plans, your ideas, your emotions, your dreams, etc.
2) Reading your post, I think you are too eager to get married and that makes you 'desperate' - no man would fall for a woman who is desperate to get married.
3) This part of life is the best you will ever get. It seems to me that you have not enjoyed the independence that a single life can offer you. Imagine having a good job and spending the way you want to - travelling, sports, socialising, etc. etc. Believe me when you get married, all the liberty and independence will go for a toss! It is better you do not rush it otherwise you may regret it later.
R
I always find that this is the same rhetoric everyone says whenever someone is complaining about being single. It may not be wrong, but it's not exactly the right advice to be giving someone either. You're not validating their feelings, you're not listening and you're shrugging everything into your own belief of what you believe they should do instead of being supportive and trying to suggest ways for them to fight that depression.
It may be a correct assumption, but it's not motivating.
It may be a correct assumption, but it's not motivating.
U
She's not simply complaining about being single. All of us here have our moments where we complain about it. She's describing bitterness, frustration, an inability to go out without focusing on others in relationships and defining her womanhood by marriage.
So people are listening, that's why we are giving the advice we are. Because we know the difference between the occasional gripe vs someone who has made it an idol in their life. We know it because we see the differences in here a few times a week, as well as our personal struggles. Perhaps You're the one not listening and shrugging off what everyone else is saying because it resonates in you in a way you'd rather not think?
So people are listening, that's why we are giving the advice we are. Because we know the difference between the occasional gripe vs someone who has made it an idol in their life. We know it because we see the differences in here a few times a week, as well as our personal struggles. Perhaps You're the one not listening and shrugging off what everyone else is saying because it resonates in you in a way you'd rather not think?
B
Ringer, your post is "right on" the money!! Too many women set their standards too high and lose out. The next thing we are hearing is that their "time is running out." Many women, not all, want men 3X better than they are which is by today's standards unrealistic. Joseph told Mary that it was her virtues that attracted him !!!
Last edited by a moderator:
I am single and looking too. I would suggest reading a book by Henry Cloud called How to Get a Date Worth Keeping. Basically the book is challenging the idea that it is 100% up to God that we find a spouse. What i mean by that is we can't sit at home, eat lunch alone at work, spend lots of time alone and do nothing to meet men (or women). If we do that, expecting someone to walk into our lives, our only prospects will be the UPS person and the mail person. Sure if we are walking with God, he will put that special someone in our life, but we have to do out part by being as social and as open and welcoming as we can.
I am rereading it now and find it encouraging.
There is also the idea that we need to be inviting and approachable. Some people don't understand this but it can be illustrated this way: Ever known people who ALWAYS seem to have a crowd around them...these people have many friends. Their body language, their personality and I am sure a bunch of other stuff that I cannot identify, send messages to others that invite them in. You don't have to be the life of the party to attract others, you just have to be open, inviting and welcoming of others. The most obvious thing these people have is right on their face: they genuinely smile and look at others in the eye.
I am rereading it now and find it encouraging.
There is also the idea that we need to be inviting and approachable. Some people don't understand this but it can be illustrated this way: Ever known people who ALWAYS seem to have a crowd around them...these people have many friends. Their body language, their personality and I am sure a bunch of other stuff that I cannot identify, send messages to others that invite them in. You don't have to be the life of the party to attract others, you just have to be open, inviting and welcoming of others. The most obvious thing these people have is right on their face: they genuinely smile and look at others in the eye.
F
I agree totally. Even heathen women have standards that are just as unattainable and will not compromise on them. A lot of women are wanting a man that looks good on paper but they ignore the intangible qualities. Women that like that will be uncompromising, demanding and won't tolerate failure but that's just my opinion. I've seen some women here post a list of all the qualities they want and it's longer than a shopping list! Seriously? I might even say this is pharisaical. We all know about them don't we? They set up their own standard and thought they were going to heaven because they adhered to it. Well Jesus came and rained on their parade and they were not happy so of course He got crucified in the end.
Christian women should be looking for a man who is holy. Not necessarily good looking and have a large bank balance and drive a nice car. Holiness lasts forever. That is to be the standard a man should be considered against.
Christian women should be looking for a man who is holy. Not necessarily good looking and have a large bank balance and drive a nice car. Holiness lasts forever. That is to be the standard a man should be considered against.
One of the reasons I've stayed single so long is because I can't find a Christian guy I connect with who isn't hooked on porn and casual sex.
I've posted enough times in the forum that the people here should know I'm definitely not someone who puts material things on a high priority list when dating. I've always worked for a living and would continue to do so. I also pay for myself on dates so that no guy can ever say I used him for money or a free dinner.
But the Christian guys I meet... and most of them are incredibly smart and Biblically knowledgeable... then confess their penchants for strip clubs, rendezvous with prostitutes, hookups on Craigslist, computers that somehow wander off into the Never Never Land of adult entertainment every night, and friends with benefits (I had a guy who could practically recite the OT in its original language speak wistfully about how his attempts, yes, plural, at friends-with-benefits hadn't worked out because of attachment issues... and then proceeded to hint that he'd be interested in such an arrangement with me.) No remorse or mention that it's SIN... just a longing to find an "arrangement" that would "work out."
I understand struggles. I understand that it's really tough being single. I don't judge or condemn; I try my best to listen and pray. But I'm also a very greedy Christian woman. I refuse to share a man with other women, whether in print or on film or in real life. And I'm not saying every guy is like this... but unfortunately, almost every guy I've met who was a possible date has had this issue. Maybe it's just what I attract...
Holiness in a man would be very attractive indeed. And I'm sure men would love to find holy women as well. But will any of us ever find it? I'm beginning to think the only way I could ever marry is to put up with things I don't think I could ever put up with, and for right now, I'm unwilling to compromise on that issue.
For anyone who thinks that marriage is the end-all be-all (and I've gone through those phases myself), please do yourself a favor. Go to the Family Forum right now and spend just 15 minutes reading every post you can find regarding a troubled marriage. Don't worry. You'll find 50 titles that apply in under 10 minutes. Read through what these people are going through.
And then ask yourself if you really expect to be the exception (the person who doesn't have to deal with any of this in your marriage), because if you think you won't have the same struggles, you are most likely wrong (having been married once, I can relate to several things that people post about their marriage troubles.)
Ask yourself honestly, am I ready to deal with even half the things married people are going through?
You might say yes. But you may also immediately fall to the floor and thank God for your singleness.
I don't know about anyone else but for me, one of the best cures to my, "Man, I Hate Being Single" Fever is a brief visit to the Family Forum.
I've posted enough times in the forum that the people here should know I'm definitely not someone who puts material things on a high priority list when dating. I've always worked for a living and would continue to do so. I also pay for myself on dates so that no guy can ever say I used him for money or a free dinner.
But the Christian guys I meet... and most of them are incredibly smart and Biblically knowledgeable... then confess their penchants for strip clubs, rendezvous with prostitutes, hookups on Craigslist, computers that somehow wander off into the Never Never Land of adult entertainment every night, and friends with benefits (I had a guy who could practically recite the OT in its original language speak wistfully about how his attempts, yes, plural, at friends-with-benefits hadn't worked out because of attachment issues... and then proceeded to hint that he'd be interested in such an arrangement with me.) No remorse or mention that it's SIN... just a longing to find an "arrangement" that would "work out."
I understand struggles. I understand that it's really tough being single. I don't judge or condemn; I try my best to listen and pray. But I'm also a very greedy Christian woman. I refuse to share a man with other women, whether in print or on film or in real life. And I'm not saying every guy is like this... but unfortunately, almost every guy I've met who was a possible date has had this issue. Maybe it's just what I attract...
Holiness in a man would be very attractive indeed. And I'm sure men would love to find holy women as well. But will any of us ever find it? I'm beginning to think the only way I could ever marry is to put up with things I don't think I could ever put up with, and for right now, I'm unwilling to compromise on that issue.
For anyone who thinks that marriage is the end-all be-all (and I've gone through those phases myself), please do yourself a favor. Go to the Family Forum right now and spend just 15 minutes reading every post you can find regarding a troubled marriage. Don't worry. You'll find 50 titles that apply in under 10 minutes. Read through what these people are going through.
And then ask yourself if you really expect to be the exception (the person who doesn't have to deal with any of this in your marriage), because if you think you won't have the same struggles, you are most likely wrong (having been married once, I can relate to several things that people post about their marriage troubles.)
Ask yourself honestly, am I ready to deal with even half the things married people are going through?
You might say yes. But you may also immediately fall to the floor and thank God for your singleness.
I don't know about anyone else but for me, one of the best cures to my, "Man, I Hate Being Single" Fever is a brief visit to the Family Forum.
B
Hi Soulsearch,
A good woman can easily persuade a good man with bad habits to break them. My last girlfriend wanted me to drop many things but I had only one request for her to answer in return. I asked her who would hold the authority or voice in our relationship/marriage, her mother or her boyfriend/husband. She wouldn't answer and just walked away. I packed my things and left. If I find a woman worthy of giving up my freedom, I will marry her. Some of these women can be ridiculous in believing a man will give up every bad habit without her doing the same. It takes two to tango and if she wants me to drop 10 bad habits , then I expect her to comply with my wishes for her to drop 10 bad habits that bother me. And I will hold her to them.
I love being single without regrets.
A good woman can easily persuade a good man with bad habits to break them. My last girlfriend wanted me to drop many things but I had only one request for her to answer in return. I asked her who would hold the authority or voice in our relationship/marriage, her mother or her boyfriend/husband. She wouldn't answer and just walked away. I packed my things and left. If I find a woman worthy of giving up my freedom, I will marry her. Some of these women can be ridiculous in believing a man will give up every bad habit without her doing the same. It takes two to tango and if she wants me to drop 10 bad habits , then I expect her to comply with my wishes for her to drop 10 bad habits that bother me. And I will hold her to them.
I love being single without regrets.
Last edited by a moderator:
Biscuit,
Bad habits are one thing. Sexual addiction is quite another, and most definitely not something anyone can just persuade someone to give up. As I was alluding to, the Family Forum is also filled with stories of spouses addicted to porn and so forth and as anyone can see, it's not working out so well.
I would never invest in a relationship in which someone tried to convince me that a problem with porn and/or casual sex was just a "bad habit" that needed to be broken. Other things might be a compromise, yes, I agree. But in my experience, no, not this one, absolutely not.
Bad habits yes... I agree that of course, both people must work on them. However, I was writing my original post in response to yours and others's posts about women being too picky, demanding, or unrealistic. I'm not looking for a model, Donald Trump, or Jesus Himself. I'm just looking for a guy who could commit himself to myself as a real person, and not be distracted or swayed by unrealistic images or the availability of other women. Which of course, can go both ways, I understand.
It's great that you enjoy being single! Most of us who are single and have been for prolonged periods of time have good reason to be.
Bad habits are one thing. Sexual addiction is quite another, and most definitely not something anyone can just persuade someone to give up. As I was alluding to, the Family Forum is also filled with stories of spouses addicted to porn and so forth and as anyone can see, it's not working out so well.
I would never invest in a relationship in which someone tried to convince me that a problem with porn and/or casual sex was just a "bad habit" that needed to be broken. Other things might be a compromise, yes, I agree. But in my experience, no, not this one, absolutely not.
Bad habits yes... I agree that of course, both people must work on them. However, I was writing my original post in response to yours and others's posts about women being too picky, demanding, or unrealistic. I'm not looking for a model, Donald Trump, or Jesus Himself. I'm just looking for a guy who could commit himself to myself as a real person, and not be distracted or swayed by unrealistic images or the availability of other women. Which of course, can go both ways, I understand.
It's great that you enjoy being single! Most of us who are single and have been for prolonged periods of time have good reason to be.
Good post and I agree with. The way you feel about porn addiction & casual sex is equivalent how I feel about overweight women and their needs to show an excess amount of cleavage.
You have yet to post a photo of your age-defying physique and tips on staying so youthful.
We're all waiting for you to share your secrets.
P.S. Just for the record, I find the thought of any strip club, male, female, she-male, wanna-be-a-male, whatever... nauseating. Where will you find me on a Friday or Saturday night? Most often, curled up with a book or project at home.
F
Well seoulsearch that wasn't the point I was making.
The point is that far too many women aren't looking for the man of their dreams. They're looking for the man of their fantasy. That perfect man they can marry and live happily ever after. Well that man is Jesus in terms of perfection and they cannot marry Him and yes it's wrong of a woman to say He's my husband/lover/whatever else until they do get married. That's bordering on if not already pantheism. Women are saying where are all these kind of men hiding. Well that's easy to answer. In their mind.
The point is that far too many women aren't looking for the man of their dreams. They're looking for the man of their fantasy. That perfect man they can marry and live happily ever after. Well that man is Jesus in terms of perfection and they cannot marry Him and yes it's wrong of a woman to say He's my husband/lover/whatever else until they do get married. That's bordering on if not already pantheism. Women are saying where are all these kind of men hiding. Well that's easy to answer. In their mind.
The man of my dreams will have a healthy sexuality rooted in reality, not a fantasy.
Unfortunately, finding someone who is actually like that... has, in my life at least, proved thus far to be the real fantasy.
However, I'm still holding out hope!
The reason I wrote what I did in response to your post is because, and this may be just me, but I've found many, not all, but man, of the men who complain the most about women having "unrealistic" expectations... are often the ones most deeply rooted in a fantasy world of women who look and act like Amazon sex slaves.
Things that make you go, Hmm...
Unfortunately, finding someone who is actually like that... has, in my life at least, proved thus far to be the real fantasy.
However, I'm still holding out hope!
The reason I wrote what I did in response to your post is because, and this may be just me, but I've found many, not all, but man, of the men who complain the most about women having "unrealistic" expectations... are often the ones most deeply rooted in a fantasy world of women who look and act like Amazon sex slaves.
Things that make you go, Hmm...
I see nothing at all wrong with having a desire to live happily ever after. The men are not hiding in the minds of woman, they only have to open their eyes. I do agree that a search for a "perfect" man would most likely prove to be fruitless. Perhaps the woman who are seeking a husband should settle for just the "right" man. To me, perfect would be boring, the adventure is in the flaws or otherwise there would be nothing to talk about.