Why Don't We Hear About Single Christian Women Looking for Husbands in Other Countries?

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Jun 12, 2020
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#61
Hi Bob,

Welcome to CC.

Many moons ago, I was married to a Filipino.

To be fair to your post, he divorced me outside of the Philippines, and I'm not sure how it would have been handled if we had been living there. One day we supposedly went to work "like normal", and when I came home, half the house was gone. A few weeks later, the divorce papers he had filed alone arrived in the mail.

Ironically, he didn't leave me for a Filipina, but a red-headed American girl.

@CozHElivesIcanface2morrow -- may we ask you how you've seen divorce handled in the Philippines? And thank you very much for your post. My second biggest sorrow after the divorce was losing my sisters-in-law, who, as you said, were beautiful, very kind towards me, and extremely hard-working.
I am sorry this happened to you. Filipino men have a reputation there for being playboys and Filipinas are not shy to raise that fact. What often happens is men find a mistress when living in the Philippines. It is common, even the president has some. Maybe that's to be expected when biblical divorce and remarriage is not allowed. I think a Filipina wants to be married in her country because she is less likely to be divorced. We married in the Philippines. I wanted her family to be there, and her friends, but I also liked that there is no divorce. I would not divorce her for any reason as while divorce for adultery is allowed, that doesn't mean it is mandated.

Since there is still no legal divorce there, the foreign husband can get a divorce from his country, the Filipina can not. If she had the money she could pay for an anullment but could get taken to the cleaners and scammed with that. Satan has done plenty to corrupt marriage.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
12,357
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#62
I am sorry this happened to you. Filipino men have a reputation there for being playboys and Filipinas are not shy to raise that fact. What often happens is men find a mistress when living in the Philippines. It is common, even the president has some. Maybe that's to be expected when biblical divorce and remarriage is not allowed. I think a Filipina wants to be married in her country because she is less likely to be divorced. We married in the Philippines. I wanted her family to be there, and her friends, but I also liked that there is no divorce. I would not divorce her for any reason as while divorce for adultery is allowed, that doesn't mean it is mandated.

Since there is still no legal divorce there, the foreign husband can get a divorce from his country, the Filipina can not. If she had the money she could pay for an anullment but could get taken to the cleaners and scammed with that. Satan has done plenty to corrupt marriage.
Very informative post Bob, thank you.

I do have to be fair to my ex-husband in that he wasn't a playboy -- I definitely have my own share of faults that contributed to our downfall -- but he apparently fell in love with someone else and wanted to commit to her instead of me.

Marrying someone from another country definitely adds several layers of complications, and your post further points to the importance of having to know the laws in both countries.

I knew a guy several years ago who had married a Japanese woman. After she divorced him, I noticed that he would talk about their kids going back to Japan with his ex to visit family -- but only one child at a time. I eventually worked up the nerve to ask him why all the siblings just didn't go together along with their mother on a combined family trip.

He explained that this was a specific clause he had to have written into their custody agreement -- she was only allowed to take one child with her to Japan at a time. This was because (at the time at least) Japan doesn't recognize divorce laws in other countries, and his ex would have been legally able (according to Japanese law) take the kids back with and then never come back. It would have then been almost impossible to fight her, or at least would have taken years of legal battles and expenses.

Being allowed to take only one child at a time was his insurance policy that he would actually get his children back -- hopefully -- though it was entirely possibly that his ex-wife could have chosen a favorite and then gone back to Japan for good.
 

Runningman

Well-known member
Mar 4, 2020
581
553
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#63
Excellent points -- thank you for your post!

Although I don't want to make this thread all about the dynamics of the actual marriages in these situations, I think the men who go in looking for a young, adoring wife might not be prepared for or aware of the cultural differences.

The number one conflict I've seen in these relationships is that the man wants a woman with "good, old-fashioned family values", then brings her to his home country and essentially cuts her off from the family that gave her those good old fashioned values in the first place.

I am by no means an expert on this and am certainly not trying to somehow blame the men, but the only couples I've seen make this work are the ones who can find a compromise in which she is able to regularly visit/maintain close contact with her family.

I've read about men being fed up with "materialistic Westernized women" but but they don't seem to realize that they will need to provide a way for their new wife to see her family as often as possible. And if the two wind up having any kids of their own, many cultures expect the bride's mother to help raise them (meaning she is to be invited to live with them,) along with expectations that the bride and her family will take care of her parents and any younger siblings as well.

However, these are only the things I've seen -- maybe others here have had much different experiences.
Those are good point and I agree. It might not even occur to someone that there can be vast cultural differences like the ones you mentioned. Hopefully those sorts of things would get sorted out well before an actual marriage, but maybe not because there may be an unspoken assumption that others understand what the established norms and customs are.

I honestly think that what you said about looking for
So are you talking about single people who've somehow managed to get to an older age without accumulating baggage seeking out someone without a lot of baggage as well and having to go younger to find that?
Or are you talking about a selfish older person bringing all their baggage to the marriage but not being willing to have a partner equally matched in the amount of baggage?
I had someone older in mind who is single well into their adulthood.
 
Jun 12, 2020
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#64
Those are good point and I agree. It might not even occur to someone that there can be vast cultural differences like the ones you mentioned. Hopefully those sorts of things would get sorted out well before an actual marriage, but maybe not because there may be an unspoken assumption that others understand what the established norms and customs are.

I honestly think that what you said about looking for


I had someone older in mind who is single well into their adulthood.
I could cry from reading some of your comments because they are RIGHT ON! Actually maybe they were others comments in here I don't know how to use the quote feature but suffice it to say, a foreign husband expecting to remove his wife from her family is going to end in disaster!

He should allow her to visit when she needs to or even better yet, go with her. I let my wife home when her mother was dying and I hated to be without her but she had to leave ASAP. Two months later we went together. I have gone home with her now three or four times. We have built a house there and some of her family will live there with us. I don't see any problems there, we were fine recently all being together.

Another thing is she will spend inordinate time on her phone with family and friends and Facebook and there isn't much a husband can do. She must be connected. She is 10,000 miles from home. Trying to fight this is not going to earn her respect. Understanding the importance of family there especially parents will earn much respect from a woman from the Philippines. These are some of the sacrifices I make for her because I love her.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
12,357
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#65
Those are good point and I agree. It might not even occur to someone that there can be vast cultural differences like the ones you mentioned. Hopefully those sorts of things would get sorted out well before an actual marriage, but maybe not because there may be an unspoken assumption that others understand what the established norms and customs are.

I honestly think that what you said about looking for


I had someone older in mind who is single well into their adulthood.
This is another excellent point, thank you.

I read an article a while back about couples in which Asian women (who had married and had kids with American men) were being arrested for child abuse because in the traditional Asian cultures they came from, spanking and corporal punishment were seen as normal means of discipline. The women couldn't comprehend that that the family methods they had grown up with are illegal in places like the United States and will land you in prison. And the couples had never discussed it before because it never became an issue until they had kids.

There are so many things to consider within these types of relationships.

P.S. Whenever I say, "I read something," or "I watched a documentary," I hope I never come across as trying to sound like some kind of expert about the subject. Rather, what I'm really trying to say is, "Hey, I saw/read this and it made me think about X. What do you all think/what have you experienced regarding this subject?

I appreciate people sharing their knowledge and personal stories here, because it helps us all learn, grow, and when necessary, readjust our thinking.

Thanks to everyone for really putting your heart into this topic! :)
 
Jun 12, 2020
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#66
Well I'm not seoulsearch but join me in a thought experiment here: God leglaized divorce for the ancient Israelites, his holy people and visible demonstration of what kind of society and people he would create. And when Jesus comments on it in the new testament says that was in the law of Moses because God knew how hard the hearts of the people were.

So in a society where divorce is impossible (not just socially unacceptable) what do you think is going to happen when a man wants to get rid of his wife so he can get a new one (or just be free of having to deal with the one he's got)?


If you need a hint...... "accidents" often fatal ones. I can't say that this is the case in Phillipine culture (because I don't know that for sure one way or the other); but have heard and read reliable stories about women killed because their husbands wanted more dowry after their marriage and women having fatal kitchen accidents for unknown reasons in other countries so this definitely does happen in the world.
Oh, okay, I can see that. We see that in America too to get rid of an unwanted spouse. I actually like that about marriage; I feel like I have to work things out, I have to find a better way, as a husband it starts with me. God is going to hold me accountable for our marriage since I am the head of my wife. I'm not going to get rid of her.
 
Jun 12, 2020
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#67
This is another excellent point, thank you.

I read an article a while back about couples in which Asian women (who had married and had kids with American men) were being arrested for child abuse because in the traditional Asian cultures they came from, spanking and corporal punishment were seen as normal means of discipline. The women couldn't comprehend that that the family methods they had grown up with are illegal in places like the United States and will land you in prison. And the couples had never discussed it before because it never became an issue until they had kids.

There are so many things to consider within these types of relationships.

P.S. Whenever I say, "I read something," or "I watched a documentary," I hope I never come across as trying to sound like some kind of expert about the subject. Rather, what I'm really trying to say is, "Hey, I saw/read this and it made me think about X. What do you all think/what have you experienced regarding this subject?

I appreciate people sharing their knowledge and personal stories here, because it helps us all learn, grow, and when necessary, readjust our thinking.

Thanks to everyone for really putting your heart into this topic! :)
Ha! That's right. My wife is allowed to discipline her neices and newphews, no questions asked.
 
C

CozHElivesIcanface2morrow

Guest
#69
Hi Bob,

Welcome to CC.

Many moons ago, I was married to a Filipino.

To be fair to your post, he divorced me outside of the Philippines, and I'm not sure how it would have been handled if we had been living there. One day we supposedly went to work "like normal", and when I came home, half the house was gone. A few weeks later, the divorce papers he had filed alone arrived in the mail.

Ironically, he didn't leave me for a Filipina, but a red-headed American girl.

@CozHElivesIcanface2morrow -- may we ask you how you've seen divorce handled in the Philippines? And thank you very much for your post. My second biggest sorrow after the divorce was losing my sisters-in-law, who, as you said, were beautiful, very kind towards me, and extremely hard-working.
That is sad @seoulsearch ...😥 I don't know him but he seems like a coward person...forgive my words please... I believe that going through a separation is difficult and painful, no matter the reason for it...but as I can see I believe that you've learned so much and learned some valuable lessons from your experience...and the @seoulsearch now is much more stronger and a wiser woman than before 🤗


About divorcé in Philippines...there's no divorce in Philippines. Divorce is illegal in my country but I read somewhere on Facebook that moves have been made to pass a law to legalize it...I just don't know if it will going to be approved. But we have annulment that is why I don't understand why Divorce is not permitted but Annulment is... that is a very complex question for me that requires someone who is expert about the law in the Philippines 😊

Annulment is a very long process and expensive court battle...so most people couldn't afford it. Some couples just live a separate lives and just agreed to never bother each other again to avoid the expensive court proceedings. What will going to happen if they will handle it this way?...they will be forever legally married to each other and the law will always favor the estranged wife or husband just in case there will be future legal battles like conjugal properties ( because before and after separating the major purchases both husband and wife made would be considered conjugal property) and also the husband/wife can claim the husband or wife's state benefits if the husband or wife passes away eventhough they've been separated for many many years already.


That is just what I know but as far as I know the law is more complicated than that...but no divorce or there is divorce in Philippines what he did to you is cowardly...you don't deserve that kind of man...




I still believe in a long lasting and till death do us part marriage...and if ever I'll get married one day...divorce or annulment will never be an option in my future marriage...but who knows what will going to happen in the future...sometimes things happened and sometimes divorce is the only option left ...I don't know... 😊 but whatever the future holds My hope is in the Lord 😇
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
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#70
Annulment is a very long process and expensive court battle...so most people couldn't afford it. Some couples just live a separate lives and just agreed to never bother each other again to avoid the expensive court proceedings.
Hmm... so they divorce in fact but not in law.

What happens if both do not agree to separate? Does one get to bug the other until death or expensive annulment do them part?

I guess it cuts down a lot on second and third (and fourth and fifth and sixth) marriages.
 

cinder

Senior Member
Mar 26, 2014
3,448
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#71
About divorcé in Philippines...there's no divorce in Philippines. Divorce is illegal in my country but I read somewhere on Facebook that moves have been made to pass a law to legalize it...I just don't know if it will going to be approved. But we have annulment that is why I don't understand why Divorce is not permitted but Annulment is... that is a very complex question for me that requires someone who is expert about the law in the Philippines 😊

Annulment is a very long process and expensive court battle...so most people couldn't afford it. Some couples just live a separate lives and just agreed to never bother each other again to avoid the expensive court proceedings. What will going to happen if they will handle it this way?...they will be forever legally married to each other and the law will always favor the estranged wife or husband just in case there will be future legal battles like conjugal properties ( because before and after separating the major purchases both husband and wife made would be considered conjugal property) and also the husband/wife can claim the husband or wife's state benefits if the husband or wife passes away eventhough they've been separated for many many years already.
I would assume such a situation is related to the strong catholic influence in the Philippines. But I'm wondering practically what the difference between an American divorce and a Philippine annulment would be since many American divorces (from what I hear) are also long and expensive court battles.
 

Susanna

Senior Member
Jan 21, 2013
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#72
We hear a lot of these stories, but those stories rarely make the headlines.

Women traveling abroad to find younger men is common, but for some reason not a media thing, yet.

Women looking for men on the internet, getting scammed and losing their homes and money.

Women looking for immigrants to marry.

The list is long.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
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#73
We hear a lot of these stories, but those stories rarely make the headlines.

Women traveling abroad to find younger men is common, but for some reason not a media thing, yet.

Women looking for men on the internet, getting scammed and losing their homes and money.

Women looking for immigrants to marry.

The list is long.

I've read a bit about women (and men, of course) being scammed for money.

Very interesting that there is so much written about men seeking younger women in other countries, but not about women who are doing the counterpart.

Susanna, I know you've also mentioned that you have strong ties to France -- I'm finding posts from people in other countries or bigger areas (besides the USA, where I grew up) to be extremely informative, because they are probably much more "in the know" than a small town girl like me.

Thanks so much for your post!
 

Susanna

Senior Member
Jan 21, 2013
5,052
1,469
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#74
I've read a bit about women (and men, of course) being scammed for money.

Very interesting that there is so much written about men seeking younger women in other countries, but not about women who are doing the counterpart.

Susanna, I know you've also mentioned that you have strong ties to France -- I'm finding posts from people in other countries or bigger areas (besides the USA, where I grew up) to be extremely informative, because they are probably much more "in the know" than a small town girl like me.

Thanks so much for your post!
Not to France, but to the Cajun culture in Louisiana and East Texas. My family speaks French, but most of them have never seen La France.

LOL
 

Hungry

Senior Member
Nov 26, 2012
2,499
808
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#75
What's interesting to me when reading people's feedback here is that from a business standpoint, it seems to be a clear-cut case of supply and demand.

* Men want younger women who are aesthetically pleasing, fertile (according to Adstar,) have little to no baggage, respect whatever amount of money the man has, and still looks to him as a leader and provider.

And so, the business world found a way to both meet and profit from this. The demand is, and will always be high, and there is an ample supply of young women from poorer countries from which they can recruit in order to meet this demand.

What's ironic to me is that there seems to be no equivalent for women.

If it's fair for men to want what they want, wouldn't God allow women to their own wants as well?

* What if a woman wants a man with little to no baggage, and is a good leader and provider? There's plenty of demand, but it's intriguing to me that apparently, not even money-hungry businesses can find a supply to sell to them because if they could find a way to profit off women's dreams the same way as the men, they wouldn't hesitate.

I'm not trying to make this a battle of the sexes at all.

I'm just noticing what appears to me to be a gaping discrepancy, and I am thinking to myself, "Why?"
I think you need to change your perspective. You asked why women aren’t looking overseas for husbands. They are! That’s how they are finding men in the US and Canada. Perhaps the local women here in North America should see how much in demand we are....or, the foreign women should wonder if we were such great husband material, why do we need to go across the world to find a bride? Are they looking for a man to share a life with or just a lifestyle upgrade? For some men that short term mindset might be enough. The way I see it if you can’t put the effort in to make yourself a desirable companion for a local girl, then before long your mail order bride will also lose interest. Once they have citizenship, they have options.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
12,357
2,738
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#76
That is sad @seoulsearch ...😥 I don't know him but he seems like a coward person...forgive my words please... I believe that going through a separation is difficult and painful, no matter the reason for it...but as I can see I believe that you've learned so much and learned some valuable lessons from your experience...and the @seoulsearch now is much more stronger and a wiser woman than before 🤗


About divorcé in Philippines...there's no divorce in Philippines. Divorce is illegal in my country but I read somewhere on Facebook that moves have been made to pass a law to legalize it...I just don't know if it will going to be approved. But we have annulment that is why I don't understand why Divorce is not permitted but Annulment is... that is a very complex question for me that requires someone who is expert about the law in the Philippines 😊

Annulment is a very long process and expensive court battle...so most people couldn't afford it. Some couples just live a separate lives and just agreed to never bother each other again to avoid the expensive court proceedings. What will going to happen if they will handle it this way?...they will be forever legally married to each other and the law will always favor the estranged wife or husband just in case there will be future legal battles like conjugal properties ( because before and after separating the major purchases both husband and wife made would be considered conjugal property) and also the husband/wife can claim the husband or wife's state benefits if the husband or wife passes away eventhough they've been separated for many many years already.


That is just what I know but as far as I know the law is more complicated than that...but no divorce or there is divorce in Philippines what he did to you is cowardly...you don't deserve that kind of man...




I still believe in a long lasting and till death do us part marriage...and if ever I'll get married one day...divorce or annulment will never be an option in my future marriage...but who knows what will going to happen in the future...sometimes things happened and sometimes divorce is the only option left ...I don't know... 😊 but whatever the future holds My hope is in the Lord 😇

@CozHElivesIcanface2morrow -- thank you so much for taking the time to write this post. It is very interesting to me to hear about what other people are living and experiencing and how much it can vary, and discussions like this are the reason I write threads.

Marriage and divorce is such a complex topic. Sometimes I'll read things about Christians promoting arranged marriages or cultures with "no divorce", but I'm always perplexed as to why these same people never seem to acknowledge the "side effects" of such absolutes. Just because people are married and don't get legal divorces doesn't mean they aren't actively living out a new life with a new love interest, or, as Cinder pointed out, staging "accidents" (dousing a woman with cooking oil, setting her on fire, and then saying it was a kitchen accident, as is done in India) when a spouse is no longer wanted and/or gets in the way of the new life someone wants.

Thank you so much for your kind words, @CozHElivesIcanface2morrow. After all this time, I can't say anything bad about my ex. We all have problems; I know a bit about what he went through in his life, and the good Lord knows I am not an easy person to deal with (it's easy to choose to write things on the internet only when I want to, and am feeling more upbeat.) I know he had a hard time dealing with my depression and the severe mood swings that were a part of it. The greatest emotion I feel over that time in my life is sadness, and wishing it would have been different.

The one thing I would hope for though is a sense of compassion towards people who are going through marital problems. So in my case, in a nutshell, I had a husband who left me but at the time, did not give a reason why, and I heard plenty of Christian screams in my face about NOT HAVING A BIBLICAL DIVORCE. The thing is, he had already separated from me long before he left (he moved to the other side of the house and literally stopped speaking to me for a very long time, living out his own life, which I knew nothing of,) and it wasn't until about 6 months later that a friend called me in the middle of the night and said, "There's something you need to know."

She had seen him and his girlfriend somewhere in public holding hands. It was a girl we had all worked with, so he had known her a long time, and who knows when or how it all started.

The funny thing is, when the divorce papers had come, I had wanted to legally contest it, and I had purposely stayed in the area, hoping he'd change his mind (long before I knew about the other girl,) but in each case, there were people around me telling me, "Just let him go and keep moving. He's not going to come back." I was so confused at the time. Aren't Christians supposed to fight for their marriages? But one of those people telling me to move on is someone I highly respect (and a devout Christian), and I believed it was the Holy Spirit speaking through her. The Holy Spirit knew that he had already moved on, even if I didn't.

But if my friend hadn't seen and let me know about it, I would have had no way of knowing, and I guess I would have had no choice but to have to listen to all the well-meaning, zealous Christians jabbing, "YOU DON'T HAVE A BIBLICAL DIVORCE, YOU EVIL ADULTERER!!!" at me for the rest of my life.

And now you have me thinking about people in the Philippines, because it seems very common for people in other countries to look to the Philippines for a significant other. What if a Filipino person has a spouse who moves on with another person, but the Filipino keeps themselves celibate and set apart, but later meets someone they would like to marry, especially in another country? I'm wondering how all of the annulment/divorce laws would be settled internationally, freeing the person to remarry.

I have known many Christians who would never see an annulment as a true, legal divorce (and then there is the whole subject of most Christians I meet who don't believe the divorced can remarry under any circumstance, but that's another topic,) so my guess is that the church would expect that person to live celibate and alone for the rest of their lives, even though their first spouse has a new companion and maybe even a new family.

I have known several people who are living as if they are divorced and remarried but are not actually legally divorced from their first spouse due to money issues or their first spouse refusing to give them the divorce.

Which brings up yet another topic of how much the legal laws of the land rule over the definitions of what marriage is and is not vs. what God says marriage is.

Unfortunately, very few things in this life are black and white, or cut and dry.
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
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#77
Not to France, but to the Cajun culture in Louisiana and East Texas. My family speaks French, but most of them have never seen La France.

LOL

And now you have me wondering how a good ol' Cajun/Texan cultural mashup marriage (or divorce, for that matter) would go down. :cool:;):eek:
 

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
May 23, 2009
12,357
2,738
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#78
I think you need to change your perspective. You asked why women aren’t looking overseas for husbands. They are! That’s how they are finding men in the US and Canada. Perhaps the local women here in North America should see how much in demand we are....or, the foreign women should wonder if we were such great husband material, why do we need to go across the world to find a bride? Are they looking for a man to share a life with or just a lifestyle upgrade? For some men that short term mindset might be enough. The way I see it if you can’t put the effort in to make yourself a desirable companion for a local girl, then before long your mail order bride will also lose interest. Once they have citizenship, they have options.

Very interesting point, Hungry.

I posted a version of this thread in the Family Forum as well, and I'm just now trying to catch up over there, but others are saying a similar thing as what you're mentioning here.

Thanks very much for your post!
 

Butterflyyy

Well-known member
Oct 31, 2019
1,143
972
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#79
The older you get the pool of available single people without baggage decreases drastically. Like for example, by the time someone is in their mid 50s many people already have children, a boat load of debt, maybe a failed marriage or two. Not saying those things are deal breakers, but I find that many single people want to start with a clean slate with someone, not jump right into being a provider for someone single with kids and debt.

So people who are single and may seek a partner well below their traditional age range because they don't bring a lot of baggage to the relationship usually. It might be easier to look overseas for a mail order bride or bridegroom because those kind of markets are almost always not based in Western countries. In other words, that's just the nature of the business, I imagine.

There's a lot of other possible reasons unique to each person's life circumstances of course, but I'll stick with that for now.
Baggage...such a distasteful word don't you think... especially for a Christian's vocabulary... especially when referring to children, quite possibly children who have been left broken-hearted by Daddy leaving or Mummy dying....
It's got me thinking about another reason why it's so difficult to find a husband🤔
 

Butterflyyy

Well-known member
Oct 31, 2019
1,143
972
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#80
I have wondered this often - not about Christians specifically, but about population tendencies in general. We never hear about mail-order husbands...

And those women in those countries that they advertise are looking for American husbands - why are they so eager to leave their own countries that they will marry strange men from America just to get out?
Sadly this is probably because in some countries people sell their daughters but their sons work to bring in money...
This would explain why such women look for American husbands, because they perceive these men to be wealthy and that seems to be of paramount importance for these poor people; they seemingly deem themselves purely as commodities😔