You want a fairy tale life, one free of pain and suffering. One filled with only happiness and no sorrow. News flash, honey: REAL life doesn't work that way!! God did not put us here to have entirely happy, easy lives. The ONLY long-lasting relief we will get is when we enter heaven and are renewed and restored. YOU must be a masochist then, because you sure are hanging onto alot of pain. And you're embracing satan's world of lies. I guess you must not love Jesus very much at all, if you're willing to serve satan and remain miserable, instead of serving God and letting Him make you happy. People here have tried to help you and you resist all advice. Have fun serving satan for the rest of your life, because I guarantee he will make you even more miserable than you are now. Oh and btw, people who are truly committed to wanting to die, DO NOT come onto an open forum and announce it. :/