DIVORCE ---Abusive Relationship---What does the bible say ? ? ? ?

[piper27]

I think what I am trying to get at here. Is the Devil in control here. By getting my husband to tell me if I dont come back GOD will cast me out. But on the same token. Was the Devil in Control when my husband made the choices he made. But on the other hand it stays GOD hates divorce.

You got it! The devil is also using him to manipulate you spiritually by saying God will cast you out. NOT TRUE!!!
God hates divorce because he understands the hardness of heart that brings it. (like abuse)
Divorce is not a disqualifier to God's love - Never!!
Gods grace is sufficient for everything, even divorce.
God loves you so much, and does not desire his precious little girl to be hurt in any way. Don't forget who you belong to, your Father in heaven!! When your husband messes with you; he is messing with the daughter of the King!
You are worthy.
Blessings.

 

[danschance]

The devil does work against all humans and even believers. Satan is not a toothless puppy but a roaring lion seeking to devour who ever he can. The Christian divorce rate used to be about equal with unbelievers but now more Christians are getting a divorce than unbelievers! We are under attack.

They best option we have is to follow God's will, no matter how difficult that maybe.

 

[Angela53510]

Your husband is an immature user and manipulator. If you want to believe that is from the devil, go ahead. I think it is probably from a controlling mother from what you have said.

In fact, the devil is NEVER in control of anything. God is the one who is in control. Read the book of Job, if you don't believe me. God wants the best for you, and that means not going back. A man who is able to control and abuse his wife is going to want her back. So he will pretend he has changed. You have no proof, that a week, month or even a year down the road, the old personality will come back and the abuse will be worth.

I do believe God hates divorce. But he hates his female children being hit and abused by the men who are supposed to love them the most, more!! You are not in a third world country, and it is a lie to tell you that you are going to be cast out by God. He will be the one cast out by God for not loving his wife and not treating her as Christ loves the church. (Eph. 5).

Please do not make this marital dispute about your relationship with God. Your husband is not God. That is what he is pretending. You have the right to live a life free from pain and abuse. God loves you and will never leave or forsake you. It is hard being on your own, but it is so much better than fearing for your life.

Please find a women's center, and find out where you can get counseling on the cycle of abuse. Read this link and see if it triggers any memories.

The Cycle of Violence

You need counseling for YOU!! To help you understand that you can break this cycle of abuse, but not if you go back to him, while you are still letting him control you. In the end, I hope you can reunite, if you both get individual and group counseling. But if you cannot, God loves you and he will be there for you, through thick and thin.

Trust me, I've been through it!

 

[TomH]

Your husband is an immature user and manipulator. If you want to believe that is from the devil, go ahead. I think it is probably from a controlling mother from what you have said.

In fact, the devil is NEVER in control of anything. God is the one who is in control. Read the book of Job, if you don't believe me. God wants the best for you, and that means not going back. A man who is able to control and abuse his wife is going to want her back. So he will pretend he has changed. You have no proof, that a week, month or even a year down the road, the old personality will come back and the abuse will be worth.

I do believe God hates divorce. But he hates his female children being hit and abused by the men who are supposed to love them the most, more!! You are not in a third world country, and it is a lie to tell you that you are going to be cast out by God. He will be the one cast out by God for not loving his wife and not treating her as Christ loves the church. (Eph. 5).

Please do not make this marital dispute about your relationship with God. Your husband is not God. That is what he is pretending. You have the right to live a life free from pain and abuse. God loves you and will never leave or forsake you. It is hard being on your own, but it is so much better than fearing for your life.

Please find a women's center, and find out where you can get counseling on the cycle of abuse. Read this link and see if it triggers any memories.

The Cycle of Violence

You need counseling for YOU!! To help you understand that you can break this cycle of abuse, but not if you go back to him, while you are still letting him control you. In the end, I hope you can reunite, if you both get individual and group counseling. But if you cannot, God loves you and he will be there for you, through thick and thin.

Trust me, I've been through it!

And the choir said Amen!

 

[piper27]

The devil does work against all humans and even believers. Satan is not a toothless puppy but a roaring lion seeking to devour who ever he can. The Christian divorce rate used to be about equal with unbelievers but now more Christians are getting a divorce than unbelievers! We are under attack.

They best option we have is to follow God's will, no matter how difficult that maybe.

Yes. Its very difficult to leave a marriage. It is always the best option to find out and follow Gods will, and what is his plan?
Certainly not to be a victim to abuse of any kind. God values us all so much, all of us, the spouse that abuses, and the spouse that is abused.
It is certainly not Gods plan to be abused.

 

[danschance]

Yes. Its very difficult to leave a marriage. It is always the best option to find out and follow Gods will, and what is his plan?
Certainly not to be a victim to abuse of any kind. God values us all so much, all of us, the spouse that abuses, and the spouse that is abused.
It is certainly not Gods plan to be abused.

Well, Jesus was abused. Paul was beaten and killed and many Christians today are being executed. Being a Christian means we are enemies with the god of this world. A husband hitting his wife is certianly wrong. Even so the bible never mentions abuse as a reason for divorce.

She claims to of been hit 4 times in 20 years. That is bad and wrong but doesn't seem to warrant divorce. He may be verbally abusive too. I know her situation may be very difficult, but we do not divorce according to worldly standards either.

 

[SparkleEyes]

You got it! The devil is also using him to manipulate you spiritually by saying God will cast you out. NOT TRUE!!!
God hates divorce because he understands the hardness of heart that brings it. (like abuse)
Divorce is not a disqualifier to God's love - Never!!
Gods grace is sufficient for everything, even divorce.
God loves you so much, and does not desire his precious little girl to be hurt in any way. Don't forget who you belong to, your Father in heaven!! When your husband messes with you; he is messing with the daughter of the King!
You are worthy.
Blessings.

Piper27 - thank you for your wonderful words.

I believe God doesn't want anyone to divorce even for the reasons that are "sanctioned by the Bible", and His grace is sufficient. His love covers all stumblings.

 

[jb]

Well, Jesus was abused. Paul was beaten and killed and many Christians today are being executed. Being a Christian means we are enemies with the god of this world. A husband hitting his wife is certianly wrong. Even so the bible never mentions abuse as a reason for divorce.

She claims to of been hit 4 times in 20 years. That is bad and wrong but doesn't seem to warrant divorce. He may be verbally abusive too. I know her situation may be very difficult, but we do not divorce according to worldly standards either.

Easy for you to talk like this when you are not her and in a marriage with an abusive husband, I must admit, when I read what you wrote, it made my stomach heave because of your hardness of heart and insensivity!

As regards her husband saying he has had a good look at himself...that means sod all! It is not only the physical abuse going on here, it is the terrible emotional and mental abuse that he has and is subjecting her to, he even 'reminds her that she took an oath before GOD til death do us part.' This is real emotional blackmail and he knows what he is doing! The idea that he is changing daily is a lot of rubbish, all he is trying to do is rope you back into his power!

On this issue do not think with your heart but with your mind!

This kind of treatment by a husband to a wife really grinds my gears, what a proper bastard he is!

 

[Nuns_n_roses]

Do you know what God hates more than divorce? Having to behold every time a man who claims he loves you beat His precious daughter. If someone beat your children would you enjoy watching that? Get out of this relationship NOW otherwise your children will think this is normal. They aren't stupid, they probably know what's going on here. It doesn't matter if you've been hit once or a hundred times, it's wrong!

More importantly, 20 years? Why is your self esteem so low that you allow yourself to be treated in this manner? Don't you know how beautiful you are to God? How much He wants you to be happy and free? Surrender your love to God and you will see He will protect you. So fear not, God will give you an escape, but it's your job to run to the sanctuary!

 

[danschance]

Easy for you to talk like this when you are not her and in a marriage with an abusive husband, I must admit, when I read what you wrote, it made my stomach heave because of your hardness of heart and insensivity!

As regards her husband saying he has had a good look at himself...that means sod all! It is not only the physical abuse going on here, it is the terrible emotional and mental abuse that he has and is subjecting her to, he even 'reminds her that she took an oath before GOD til death do us part.' This is real emotional blackmail and he knows what he is doing! The idea that he is changing daily is a lot of rubbish, all he is trying to do is rope you back into his power!

On this issue do not think with your heart but with your mind!

This kind of treatment by a husband to a wife really grinds my gears, what a proper bastard he is!

Yea, I am not her. Even so, My wife has had two affairs and is currently separated and living with a lesbian. My wife's affairs even gave me an STD. I have clear legal grounds to divorce her. Even so I am fighting for my marriage because I want my wife saved. No matter how bad this rotten life is it is nothing compared to the torment of hell.

So please, never accuse me of not understanding or being hard hearted. I now the full cost of a sour marriage better than anyone here and I also know what is at stake. We have been separated now for over 4 years and I still have not given up.

 

[jb]

Yea, I am not her. Even so, My wife has had two affairs and is currently separated and living with a lesbian. My wife's affairs even gave me an STD. I have clear legal grounds to divorce her. Even so I am fighting for my marriage because I want my wife saved. No matter how bad this rotten life is it is nothing compared to the torment of hell.

So please, never accuse me of not understanding or being hard hearted. I now the full cost of a sour marriage better than anyone here and I also know what is at stake. We have been separated now for over 4 years and I still have not given up.

Then DON'T try and stick your standards on someone who is in great suffering and in an abusive marriage, those standards might be alright and good for you, but NOT for her!

 

[p90powa]

Absolutely DO NOT go back ever. Just my opinion but if my girlfriend abused me in any way, I would be OUT. Abuse is against the law, sick, disgusting and many other words I will choose to not say. If you can't be mature enough to talk it out, then you are not mature enough for a relationship. Yes couples, including me, have arguments and times of madness at each other. BUT under no circumstances unless in self defense, should you ever lay a hand on each other in anger. I despise it. You are lucky you left when you did.

 

[piper27]

Well, Jesus was abused. Paul was beaten and killed and many Christians today are being executed. Being a Christian means we are enemies with the god of this world. A husband hitting his wife is certianly wrong. Even so the bible never mentions abuse as a reason for divorce.

She claims to of been hit 4 times in 20 years. That is bad and wrong but doesn't seem to warrant divorce. He may be verbally abusive too. I know her situation may be very difficult, but we do not divorce according to worldly standards either.

Don't forget, she also claims she is afraid if she returns to her husband, she might die. How many dead women have said that??

I'm afraid its to easy to think platitudes when you have not had the breathe nearly squeezed out of you at the hands of your 'loving' spouse.

Remember the loving character of God. He does want to rebuild the hearts of both parties. Whether or not the OP is considering divorce is irrelevant; something she alone will have to decide. To stay away and consider her worth is far more valuable.

 

[piper27]

Yea, I am not her. Even so, My wife has had two affairs and is currently separated and living with a lesbian. My wife's affairs even gave me an STD. I have clear legal grounds to divorce her. Even so I am fighting for my marriage because I want my wife saved. No matter how bad this rotten life is it is nothing compared to the torment of hell.

So please, never accuse me of not understanding or being hard hearted. I now the full cost of a sour marriage better than anyone here and I also know what is at stake. We have been separated now for over 4 years and I still have not given up.

It is terrible when a spouse abuses us, and I am sorry you are experiencing this first hand.
Perhaps the bigger issue is your belief that divorce is a ticket to hell?

Remember how much God loves you; the choices your wife makes are not your responsibility.
If you don't think God has released you to obtain divorce, I respect that. Its not your job to save your wife, its Gods.
It is his desire , way more than yours, to have her inherit the kingdom.
I honestly hope she makes that choice.
blessings.

 

[danschance]

Don't forget, she also claims she is afraid if she returns to her husband, she might die. How many dead women have said that??

I'm afraid its to easy to think platitudes when you have not had the breathe nearly squeezed out of you at the hands of your 'loving' spouse.

Remember the loving character of God. He does want to rebuild the hearts of both parties. Whether or not the OP is considering divorce is irrelevant; something she alone will have to decide. To stay away and consider her worth is far more valuable.

Clearly a wife should not go back to husband if she feels her life is being threatened.

She said he tried to choke her and then she went right back with him. She also said:

Should I give him another chance, but I am so afraid he will hit me again. or I will end up miserable after the kids are gone.

She never mentions being afraid of dying or being injured. She says she is afraid of being hit or feeling miserable. I never suggested she go right back to him. I suggested christian counseling and to speak with a pastor about divorce. I suggested they go thru a dating phase and I never said to go right back during this. If her husband is willing to go to counseling that means there is hope of healing the relationship.

Seperation is a good thing in cases of domestic violence but are people suggesting divorce if he is willing to work on the relationship? God does hate divorce and there is always hope with Jesus.

 

[GreenNnice]

Should I give him another chance... NO
I am so afraid he will hit me again... HE WILL. RUN AWAY.

May our Almighty Father blessed your new relationship!

No! Do not run away, this is not fleeing some girl coming on to you like Potiphar's wife did Joseph, and, he fled. THIS is marriage, and, what God has put together let no man tear apart. Scripture? You bet ! Now, you're husband is fighting for your marriage , he's made mistakes and,regardless of what you want to assume, mrspickle, YOU are seeing him ADMIT fault, he's told you God's 'changing' him. OK, so we're to this point. Now what? How does he show this change, how does he stop hitting you, why is he even hitting you, 20 years is a long time together and KIDS is reality. You are not in a relationship you are in what God PUT together: marriage. What you and your husband need to do is counseling , the Lord leads, He can WORK through both Christian and non-Christian counselors. His word and His Holy Spirit, who is IN you, will guide you to His truth and His plan for your life, AND your husband. YOUR husband MUST stop the abuse, WHY has he hit you? NO reasons are good for husband hitting wife. Period! But, what's triggered his episodes of anger fits? He NEEDS to get his fleshly actions there under control, and, he needs to come clean about the real reason WHY he has SAVED email messages of naked women. The Lord leads. I am praying for you to go to your knees and pray now, for His way to be heard, for His still, small, voice to minister to you His will for your life. Don't ever deftly for abuse but don't ever give up on God, until He TAKES you our of that marriage. IF your husband will not write you a letter of how he's changed, how he got naked picture on phone saved, how he truly feels about his past actions of ABUSE toward you, the next step is counseling. And, IF his mouth says 'God is changing me' , he will, indeed, be open to going to counseling. But, marriage IS forever, until He changes things. One last thing: STOP IMMEDIATELY THAT RELATIONSHIP (AFFAIR?) WITH THAT OTHER PERSON. THAT WILL KILL YOUR ATTITUDE TOWARD YOUR HUSBAND. AND I'M NEARLY 100% SURE THAT 'NEW GUY' IS NOT RIGHT, NO, I AM 100% SURE, ADULTERY IS WRONG. IT'S wrong in God's eyes and you speak so highly of not wanting 'God to hate me,' well, then, that is good, but you need to tell your husband, ' you touch me one more time and I'm leaving for good,' and, you'be maybe said that, good. BUT, right now you need to pray and the Lord will.lead, I believe you should NOT go back to your house either until he goes to counseling and you BRING ACCOUNTABILITY OF ABUSE AND NAKED EMAIL.PHONE PICS AND YOUR AFFAIR TOO ALL TO THE TABLE. The Lord will be there for you, Scripture says this, milady, from Psalm 46:1 : I am an ever-present help in times of trouble. . Blessings, pickled, seek Him, right now, with ALL your heart. Jeremiah 29:11-13

It is terrible when a spouse abuses us, and I am sorry you are experiencing this first hand.
Perhaps the bigger issue is your belief that divorce is a ticket to hell?

Remember how much God loves you; the choices your wife makes are not your responsibility.
If you don't think God has released you to obtain divorce, I respect that. Its not your job to save your wife, its Gods.
It is his desire , way more than yours, to have her inherit the kingdom.
I honestly hope she makes that choice.
blessings.

Dan, the Lord leads, He wants good things for you, keep Him strong in your life. Your longevity to keep your hope in your marriage is admirable. The Lord leads us through His spirit in us, follow Him. I'm pratingvfor you and your wife. I pray many on here yldo and you are part of church. God is in control. He reigns.

 

[danschance]

It is terrible when a spouse abuses us, and I am sorry you are experiencing this first hand.
Perhaps the bigger issue is your belief that divorce is a ticket to hell?

Remember how much God loves you; the choices your wife makes are not your responsibility.
If you don't think God has released you to obtain divorce, I respect that. Its not your job to save your wife, its Gods.
It is his desire , way more than yours, to have her inherit the kingdom.
I honestly hope she makes that choice.
blessings.

Piper,

I never said divorce is a ticket to hell, in a general sense. God does speak to me. When we first separated God told me to pray for my wife's salvation. Then two years after we separated I asked God for direction. He told me "not now". So I waited another year and a half and complained to a friend about it. Then God spoke to me again as I was on the phone. He said "I waited longer for you", which is true. I left God for more than a decade.

If my wife files for divorce, the bible is clear that we are to let the unbelieving spouse go. I think God is asking me to not divorce her is because in her case only, she is not saved and if she comes back, she will likely return to her faith. I hope you understand that I do not consider divorce an automatic one way ticket to hell.

Like I said (and I do not understand why people don't get this) is:
1) Stay separated for now.
2) If he is willing to go to counseling I would support that and suggest she go to counseling also.
3) Before she file for a divorce, speak to a pastor about it first.
4) If marriage counseling is progressing favorably, then at some point move into a dating phase, under the direction of the counselor...and continue to be separated.
5) If counseling works out and the counselor feels he is a changed man and the dating phase was successful consider moving back in if it is safe.

That is all I am saying. I have no clue why anyone would against this.

 

[Ugly]

Here is a little about my sitauation. I met this man 20 years ago we were young. We really did share some good times togther. After a year we decided to get married. Had a nice Church wedding. Two days before he explains to me his mother would be attending our honeymoon with us. I was like are you kidding me. I agreed. Just wanted to be accepted into his family and get along with his mother too. On our honeymoon i was still irriated at the fact she was there. Sharing our space along with us. I said having her with us, should have been our time. Maybe selfish on my part to feel that way. He gets angry because I felt like that. He proceeds to choke me down on the bed. I could not belive what was going on. My family had already told me not to marry this man. But to save my pride and my face , I sucked up the ordeal of that abuse and moved on with my life with him. Soon our son was born and a daughter followed. We would argue as all couples did, But he later hit me again on 4 other ocassions. He had me afraid of doing anything wrong. I was always afraid he may snap again. So I never would have a say so in anything. Was afraid of him. I recently left this relationship after 20yrs and have met a wonderful man. But I dont know where I should go from here. I know GOD does not like divorce. But my ex trys to tell me to come back to him. He is a slow learner and he knows he treated me wrong and our kids need us togther. Thing is our kids are grown the youngest being 15. Just dont know what to do. Should I give him another chance, but I am so afraid he will hit me again. or I will end up miserable after the kids are gone. The man I see now just has a calmness. Is this realtionship wrong. So Confused.

Just be aware, abusive men have a Very Very low rate of change and stopping abuse. A very small percent of men, or women, who are abusive ever stop. Whether it's with you or he finds someone else. He will find someone to abuse.

They are master manipulaters. And they can't change because they don't TRULY take responsibility for their actions. Its always 'your' fault he hit you. Not because he has problems, but you do. They really know what to say to make women stay, and take the abuse over and over. Whether its demeaning them to the point they feel hopeless, fear or knowing how to apologize in such a way that you believe they're sincere. Fake apologies for selfish purposes.

 

[GreenNnice]

Everything but '3' good, this is not the time to file for divorce. Again, pray, pickled, let Him lead you through this, and, be VERY wary of the Enemy, who is The Devil, who will attack you and your faith in God, het, he already is, because you are SEEING someone else. Get on your knees, pray, and , I can't see anything positive in adultery, and, no, adultery is never positive, the Lord leads, but, no, , pray, and, I just say, say, say, get away , RUN AWAY from that other man and then get

 

[danschance]

Pickles, Don't let you heart harden. Make decisions that will please God and not what the world thinks you should do. I know it is not easy and I am experiencing exactly how hard that can be, myself. Even so, I live for Jesus and do my best to nail my worthless flesh to the cross.