Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For You?
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Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For
My desire was not to get people to dog pile on Ugly. His comments seemed to be directed personally toward me and given that he does not know me seemed inappropriate. My original intent seems to have gotten lost in this.
My point was simply that we are not destined to attract a specific type of person though there are periods when it feels like it. My intent was to point out that there are other types who will be attracted to a helper/giver and over time they find the right person.
I am glad he chose to share what he was going through, because that is one of the purposes of CC; however, when we share, we have to acknowledge we will sometimes get responses that don't completely agree with us. We all come to CC with different experiences and perspectives, and I think most of us share them in hopes of either validating what someone else has gone through or offering hope that it will get better, because we have already been through it as well.
My desire was not to get people to dog pile on Ugly. His comments seemed to be directed personally toward me and given that he does not know me seemed inappropriate. My original intent seems to have gotten lost in this.
My point was simply that we are not destined to attract a specific type of person though there are periods when it feels like it. My intent was to point out that there are other types who will be attracted to a helper/giver and over time they find the right person.
I am glad he chose to share what he was going through, because that is one of the purposes of CC; however, when we share, we have to acknowledge we will sometimes get responses that don't completely agree with us. We all come to CC with different experiences and perspectives, and I think most of us share them in hopes of either validating what someone else has gone through or offering hope that it will get better, because we have already been through it as well.
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Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For
i do agree with your point. however, one thing i am concerned about is finding a balance between the honest, necessary point and offering nothing but validation.
one of the things i get concerned about in this forum is that (at times) people seem resistant to speak truth, perhaps because they are afraid it will not be well received--myself included in this group. yet, i have always believed that truth spoken in love (when it's necessary or valuable) is far more loving to someone that simply providing an echo chamber of validation.
additionally, we should be eager to give people the benefit of the doubt when they respond, especially if it is directed towards us--regardless whether we agree or not.
we all have the choice to become easily offended or to be open minded and choose to be receptive, and further, to be slow to choose offense.
I think if we all made just a little bit of extra effort to be considerate of one another and consider "How might this come across to other people?" we might continue to keep this a safe place in CC world 
i do agree with your point. however, one thing i am concerned about is finding a balance between the honest, necessary point and offering nothing but validation.
one of the things i get concerned about in this forum is that (at times) people seem resistant to speak truth, perhaps because they are afraid it will not be well received--myself included in this group. yet, i have always believed that truth spoken in love (when it's necessary or valuable) is far more loving to someone that simply providing an echo chamber of validation.
additionally, we should be eager to give people the benefit of the doubt when they respond, especially if it is directed towards us--regardless whether we agree or not.
we all have the choice to become easily offended or to be open minded and choose to be receptive, and further, to be slow to choose offense.
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Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For
What you're looking for in someone cannot be itemised into a neat list. I know of people (not even talking of myself) who I would consider fit someone else's 'list', but it doesn't click. Sometimes it's because our lists are 'really' what we actually want, sometimes it's because we want other things not on the list, most of the time because its actually combinations and degrees of things on the list, or how they come together in terms of 'personality', that is what we want, not the items themselves.
A lot of things on those lists are incredibly vague. What does being 'funny' mean? What does being 'intelligent' mean - does it mean being good at maths, does it mean someone you can philosophise with, does it mean someone who is wise about how they deal with people? And don't get me started on what 'someone with personality' is supposed to mean!
The other thing is that we, like everyone else, can be incredibly superficial. Our lists tend to be dominated by non-physical characteristics, but when it comes down to it, if someone doesn't 'look' good to us (and I will admit that what looks good to one may not look good to another), that can overpower every other point on the list on its own.
What you're looking for in someone cannot be itemised into a neat list. I know of people (not even talking of myself) who I would consider fit someone else's 'list', but it doesn't click. Sometimes it's because our lists are 'really' what we actually want, sometimes it's because we want other things not on the list, most of the time because its actually combinations and degrees of things on the list, or how they come together in terms of 'personality', that is what we want, not the items themselves.
A lot of things on those lists are incredibly vague. What does being 'funny' mean? What does being 'intelligent' mean - does it mean being good at maths, does it mean someone you can philosophise with, does it mean someone who is wise about how they deal with people? And don't get me started on what 'someone with personality' is supposed to mean!
The other thing is that we, like everyone else, can be incredibly superficial. Our lists tend to be dominated by non-physical characteristics, but when it comes down to it, if someone doesn't 'look' good to us (and I will admit that what looks good to one may not look good to another), that can overpower every other point on the list on its own.
J
Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For
Thank you Grace! You just helped me realize that about myself. No wonder I've always gotten used. Thank You!!!!
Perhaps you are attracting the wrong type of women. You are a helper and a giver, which is going to attract takers and needy people by default.
Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For
no, you can't always prevent offense, but we still have every obligation to speak our truth with sensitivity. if your desire is to be helpful, it should also be our goal to speak with compassion so that the message can be helpful, instead of encouraging an offense.
A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. proverbs 15:1
Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ ephesians 4:15
no, you can't always prevent offense, but we still have every obligation to speak our truth with sensitivity. if your desire is to be helpful, it should also be our goal to speak with compassion so that the message can be helpful, instead of encouraging an offense.
A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. proverbs 15:1
Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ ephesians 4:15
Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For
Nope, my intent certainly was not to dog-pile at all.
My post was a mish mash of things I've been wanting to say for a long time. Probably to the tune of several years.
If I wouldn't have said anything here, it probably would have eventually come out in another thread.
I have a tendency to only hold things in for so long. (Ironic, yes, I know.)
Nope, my intent certainly was not to dog-pile at all.
My post was a mish mash of things I've been wanting to say for a long time. Probably to the tune of several years.
If I wouldn't have said anything here, it probably would have eventually come out in another thread.
I have a tendency to only hold things in for so long. (Ironic, yes, I know.)
J
Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For
Don't feel alone Ugly, I have lived this exact same thing it seems. And I really think Grace hit it on the head, about givers and takers. Most of my friends (barring only one) have been takers. God just blessed me with an old friend who life had grown us apart, we are close friends again. And my relationships with women have been the same, except the only girl I ever dated who is like my friend, was directed away from me by a "friend", of the most despicable kind. I had to get done wrong by him multiple times before I rejected him. I feel your pain, and Grace-Like-Rain gave me the answer (Thank You!!!!). I really think she has a point. God bless you Ugly! And Grace as well!...
Don't feel alone Ugly, I have lived this exact same thing it seems. And I really think Grace hit it on the head, about givers and takers. Most of my friends (barring only one) have been takers. God just blessed me with an old friend who life had grown us apart, we are close friends again. And my relationships with women have been the same, except the only girl I ever dated who is like my friend, was directed away from me by a "friend", of the most despicable kind. I had to get done wrong by him multiple times before I rejected him. I feel your pain, and Grace-Like-Rain gave me the answer (Thank You!!!!). I really think she has a point. God bless you Ugly! And Grace as well!...
Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For
From the guy who walls himself inside his house, only goes grocery shopping in the middle of the night, never makes phone calls (not even to get a job), and does anything and everything to avoid all contact with people.
Wise, I'm glad you're here, but honestly, we're not ALL idiotic, sex-crazed crying babies as depicted in so many of your posts... honest.
From the guy who walls himself inside his house, only goes grocery shopping in the middle of the night, never makes phone calls (not even to get a job), and does anything and everything to avoid all contact with people.
Wise, I'm glad you're here, but honestly, we're not ALL idiotic, sex-crazed crying babies as depicted in so many of your posts... honest.
Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For
hey when I fill out an app, the job can e-mail me.
3am food runs are best, hardly any people you are in and out in 10 minutes or less.
I avoid contact with most people because I do not like society in general, just read the news its obvious right has become wrong and wrong has become right, i want no part. I may live in the world, but I am not of the world.
Never said EVERYONE was a sex-crazed,crying babies but majority seem to be these days both men and women.
Culture issues man, I am short blunt and to the point, you will find Russians and Ukrainians are also short blunt and to the point. were nice people but just have different ways.
From the guy who walls himself inside his house, only goes grocery shopping in the middle of the night, never makes phone calls (not even to get a job), and does anything and everything to avoid all contact with people.
Wise, I'm glad you're here, but honestly, we're not ALL idiotic, sex-crazed crying babies as depicted in so many of your posts... honest.
Wise, I'm glad you're here, but honestly, we're not ALL idiotic, sex-crazed crying babies as depicted in so many of your posts... honest.
3am food runs are best, hardly any people you are in and out in 10 minutes or less.
I avoid contact with most people because I do not like society in general, just read the news its obvious right has become wrong and wrong has become right, i want no part. I may live in the world, but I am not of the world.
Never said EVERYONE was a sex-crazed,crying babies but majority seem to be these days both men and women.
Culture issues man, I am short blunt and to the point, you will find Russians and Ukrainians are also short blunt and to the point. were nice people but just have different ways.
Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For
okay, what i find a little frustrating about posts like this is the idea that you are somehow powerless against "all these takers" who are preying upon you (along with the other "givers").
this isn't fair. you see, i've been characterized by others as a "giver" as well. and yes, there are at times that folks (both friendship and romantic prospects) have sought me (or my time) and have been clingy, exhausting, and needy--perhaps characterized as "takers". and yes, these folks could certainly be drawn to the "giver" types.
BUT, it's simply unfair to explain this as "all your trouble". unfortunately, it's a lot more complicated, and as the "givers" it's always our responsibility to create healthy boundaries and expectations for ourselves.
first, there is seldom purely "takers" and purely "givers". it's not that simple. what one of you might describe as a "taking" relationship isn't to another. each couple develops what is right for them. and, in the absence of any objections or boundaries (ending the relationship, even) you are by default, participating. also, i would suggest that someone might define themselves as "generous and giving" by being generous with things that they value, but not really serving the relationship. it is human nature to be quick to acknowledge our own generosity and slow to acknowledge others' (especially in an unhappy relationship) but at the end of the day.
second, at some point, you are choosing this (unhappy or mismatched) relationship for yourself. and if that is okay for you, then i would say, that your real problem isn't because of the so-called "takers" preying upon you.
the REAL problem is that you have a broken picker--you are choosing the wrong kind of people for relationships and perhaps don't know how to identify what you want. you are possibly one of the folks who could really benefit from articulating the list of attributes that you are actually seeking (indirectly, the subject of this thread) so that you can recognize who it is you're looking for, rather than being charmed by other attributes that might be comely upon face value, but have no real merit in a mutually beneficial relationship.
and, at some point, you are electing to engage in a relationship with someone who is a "taker", by allowing this to continue. either you aren't addressing this matter in your relationship with communication and honesty, or you are ignoring the issue, hoping it will change.
or, you are failing to alter your expectation. but no one forces you into a relationship with a "taker".
while i can't say this is true when i was younger, i have gotten pretty good at identifying who shares my values and expectations for a relationship. if we aren't on the same page, then we aren't a good fit.
but for you to find yourself in a forced scenario with a "taker" just isn't possible. you even explain that "you had to get done wronged by him multiple times" before you rejected a friend. i don't know the circumstances, but at what point are you accepting that you have chosen to remain friends with him (up to the point that you said no more) and, by default, are also agreeing to the behavior?
while i think i understand what might have been the intention of the original statement that introduced this dialogue about the "takers" preying on the "givers", i think it's pretty dangerous for us to start blaming these so-called "takers" for the ills of our bad relationships.
further, i'm proof that "givers" can certainly attract other "givers", and aren't destined to a miserable life of women (or men) who are only takers, preying upon the unsuspecting "loving and generous folks" that are out to give.
okay, what i find a little frustrating about posts like this is the idea that you are somehow powerless against "all these takers" who are preying upon you (along with the other "givers").
this isn't fair. you see, i've been characterized by others as a "giver" as well. and yes, there are at times that folks (both friendship and romantic prospects) have sought me (or my time) and have been clingy, exhausting, and needy--perhaps characterized as "takers". and yes, these folks could certainly be drawn to the "giver" types.
BUT, it's simply unfair to explain this as "all your trouble". unfortunately, it's a lot more complicated, and as the "givers" it's always our responsibility to create healthy boundaries and expectations for ourselves.
first, there is seldom purely "takers" and purely "givers". it's not that simple. what one of you might describe as a "taking" relationship isn't to another. each couple develops what is right for them. and, in the absence of any objections or boundaries (ending the relationship, even) you are by default, participating. also, i would suggest that someone might define themselves as "generous and giving" by being generous with things that they value, but not really serving the relationship. it is human nature to be quick to acknowledge our own generosity and slow to acknowledge others' (especially in an unhappy relationship) but at the end of the day.
second, at some point, you are choosing this (unhappy or mismatched) relationship for yourself. and if that is okay for you, then i would say, that your real problem isn't because of the so-called "takers" preying upon you.
the REAL problem is that you have a broken picker--you are choosing the wrong kind of people for relationships and perhaps don't know how to identify what you want. you are possibly one of the folks who could really benefit from articulating the list of attributes that you are actually seeking (indirectly, the subject of this thread) so that you can recognize who it is you're looking for, rather than being charmed by other attributes that might be comely upon face value, but have no real merit in a mutually beneficial relationship.
and, at some point, you are electing to engage in a relationship with someone who is a "taker", by allowing this to continue. either you aren't addressing this matter in your relationship with communication and honesty, or you are ignoring the issue, hoping it will change.
or, you are failing to alter your expectation. but no one forces you into a relationship with a "taker".
while i can't say this is true when i was younger, i have gotten pretty good at identifying who shares my values and expectations for a relationship. if we aren't on the same page, then we aren't a good fit.
but for you to find yourself in a forced scenario with a "taker" just isn't possible. you even explain that "you had to get done wronged by him multiple times" before you rejected a friend. i don't know the circumstances, but at what point are you accepting that you have chosen to remain friends with him (up to the point that you said no more) and, by default, are also agreeing to the behavior?
while i think i understand what might have been the intention of the original statement that introduced this dialogue about the "takers" preying on the "givers", i think it's pretty dangerous for us to start blaming these so-called "takers" for the ills of our bad relationships.
further, i'm proof that "givers" can certainly attract other "givers", and aren't destined to a miserable life of women (or men) who are only takers, preying upon the unsuspecting "loving and generous folks" that are out to give.
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Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For
I think relationship has a role in this too. I think we're more prone to receive truth from people that we trust and know have our best interest in mind. That's why it's so unfortunate when there are people who lack compassion and beat people over the head with truth with no knowledge about them whatsoever. I am not a fan of that in the least.
I've seen many instances where things have been said flippantly that were inconsiderate toward other people on the forum. And I wish that in those times we could take our eyes off of ourselves for just a second and be more sensitive toward the needs of others. I've seen it happen too often here where things have been said that cause me to grimace because I know that someone might be hurt by it. And I'm not talking about truth being communicated, but needless things. Jokes and unnecessary information and "hypothetical" scenarios that specific people in the forum endured. And yes, coldly telling people that they should take their personal stories to another subforum. All of that is inconsiderate and none of that is loving. I think that we can do better.
And we do need to pursue relationship with one another as well because we also don't want to, in our compassion, validate someone who is in the wrong, and that can easily happen. Someone complains about a situation they're in and paints it in a way that colors things so that people will empathize with their point of view when they are actually in the wrong, and everyone jumps in with comfort and encouragement when what that person really needs is loving-communicated truth. So we do need to be careful about that as well. But in the end it should be about wanting to be a help to other people.
I think relationship has a role in this too. I think we're more prone to receive truth from people that we trust and know have our best interest in mind. That's why it's so unfortunate when there are people who lack compassion and beat people over the head with truth with no knowledge about them whatsoever. I am not a fan of that in the least.
I've seen many instances where things have been said flippantly that were inconsiderate toward other people on the forum. And I wish that in those times we could take our eyes off of ourselves for just a second and be more sensitive toward the needs of others. I've seen it happen too often here where things have been said that cause me to grimace because I know that someone might be hurt by it. And I'm not talking about truth being communicated, but needless things. Jokes and unnecessary information and "hypothetical" scenarios that specific people in the forum endured. And yes, coldly telling people that they should take their personal stories to another subforum. All of that is inconsiderate and none of that is loving. I think that we can do better.
And we do need to pursue relationship with one another as well because we also don't want to, in our compassion, validate someone who is in the wrong, and that can easily happen. Someone complains about a situation they're in and paints it in a way that colors things so that people will empathize with their point of view when they are actually in the wrong, and everyone jumps in with comfort and encouragement when what that person really needs is loving-communicated truth. So we do need to be careful about that as well. But in the end it should be about wanting to be a help to other people.
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Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For
We're not?
wisebeardman if your world view is shaped by watching the news no wonder you have such a negative viewpoint.
And by the way, "hey I speak the truth, not my fault many are thin skinned" is usually what I hear right after the speaker has verbally torn someone down and left the person he was talking to feeling like jumping off a bridge. There are many ways of administering criticism, many ways of saying the same thing. Some build up and some destroy. And in my experience the most destructive ways of saying something are usually followed by "hey I speak the truth, not my fault many are thin skinned."
From the guy who walls himself inside his house, only goes grocery shopping in the middle of the night, never makes phone calls (not even to get a job), and does anything and everything to avoid all contact with people.
Wise, I'm glad you're here, but honestly, we're not ALL idiotic, sex-crazed crying babies as depicted in so many of your posts... honest.
Wise, I'm glad you're here, but honestly, we're not ALL idiotic, sex-crazed crying babies as depicted in so many of your posts... honest.
wisebeardman if your world view is shaped by watching the news no wonder you have such a negative viewpoint.
And by the way, "hey I speak the truth, not my fault many are thin skinned" is usually what I hear right after the speaker has verbally torn someone down and left the person he was talking to feeling like jumping off a bridge. There are many ways of administering criticism, many ways of saying the same thing. Some build up and some destroy. And in my experience the most destructive ways of saying something are usually followed by "hey I speak the truth, not my fault many are thin skinned."
Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For
I don't have to watch the news to see the bad, all i got to do is walk out my door.
and IMO the whole "people who tear people down only use x line" is just a cop out. maybe some do, maybe some people are just cry babies and want to be coddled like a 2 year old. and whine and cry when they don't get their way or what they want. but I guess its the new American way if you don't coddle everyone like a 2 year old then you are bad evil man. sorry bud I don't baby people.
We're not?
wisebeardman if your world view is shaped by watching the news no wonder you have such a negative viewpoint.
And by the way, "hey I speak the truth, not my fault many are thin skinned" is usually what I hear right after the speaker has verbally torn someone down and left the person he was talking to feeling like jumping off a bridge. There are many ways of administering criticism, many ways of saying the same thing. Some build up and some destroy. And in my experience the most destructive ways of saying something are usually followed by "hey I speak the truth, not my fault many are thin skinned."
wisebeardman if your world view is shaped by watching the news no wonder you have such a negative viewpoint.
And by the way, "hey I speak the truth, not my fault many are thin skinned" is usually what I hear right after the speaker has verbally torn someone down and left the person he was talking to feeling like jumping off a bridge. There are many ways of administering criticism, many ways of saying the same thing. Some build up and some destroy. And in my experience the most destructive ways of saying something are usually followed by "hey I speak the truth, not my fault many are thin skinned."
and IMO the whole "people who tear people down only use x line" is just a cop out. maybe some do, maybe some people are just cry babies and want to be coddled like a 2 year old. and whine and cry when they don't get their way or what they want. but I guess its the new American way if you don't coddle everyone like a 2 year old then you are bad evil man. sorry bud I don't baby people.
Re: Do The "Things We're Looking For" Lists Make You Feel Like No One Is Looking For
See I get where wisebeardman is coming from to a certain extent. Why would you try to temper the truth with compassion and love if you don't actually care about people. Caring and compassion serve no purpose if you don't like people, and his worldview is one where he has witnessed a ton of duplicitous people. So, he sees no value in it given how he views the people around him.
See I get where wisebeardman is coming from to a certain extent. Why would you try to temper the truth with compassion and love if you don't actually care about people. Caring and compassion serve no purpose if you don't like people, and his worldview is one where he has witnessed a ton of duplicitous people. So, he sees no value in it given how he views the people around him.