If You're Not Interested In Someone, Do You Owe Them An Explanation?
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V
My neighbor is a nice enough guy but I am not interested in dating him. Right from the get-go he began to show interest in dating so I wasted no time telling him I don't casual date and that I only wanted to remain neighbors and friends. He tried asking me out a few more times and I told him straight out that he was making me uncomfortable and to stop asking. And he did stop. We're still good neighbors and friends and I think it's because I was upfront & honest with him.
Explanations are not required but are appreciated if they can be constructive. I always want to know the reasons why ( I'd be just as likely to ask some random guy who expressed interest why he was interested though so it cuts both ways), but anyone I know well enough to be expressing interest in, I'm also going to trust enough not to back them into a corner and force them to say something hurtful to me on top of rejection (if that makes sense).
M
I understand your point, but is it not simple enough to see these flaws in yourself? Otherwise it can be a trap.... One woman might say your too clingy, so you change, then the next woman says your not affectionate enough! (i have actually had this happen in my life!). One woman might say your too jealous, so you change, then the next woman says you don't care because of the lack of jealousy (had this one happen too!).
I understand where you're coming from. As Christians, I would like to think we can be up front and honest with the person we are trying to let down. And give him/her beneficial advice so when he/she meets a new person, it will click. I've had two relationships, and both ended because of lies. So sometimes it's hard to see flaws if one person is really good at making you think everything is okay.
I can understand why someone would want to know the reason for the rejection, but I don't know that they have a right to push if you don't offer an explanation. One guy I went out with a few times and then gently called it off expressed some confusion. He said, "Angie, every woman I go out with tells me I'm a wonderful guy and that I'll make someone a great husband one day... but they all move on. I don't understand it." Well, he WAS a wonderful guy and he WILL make someone a great husband. But he got too attached too quickly which had me running for the hills. I felt like he had a right to know that, since he seemed genuinely concerned about why he couldn't hold on to a relationship.
Some guy who asked me out at the grocery store though? I don't need to explain anything to him. If a stranger handles a "thank you but no" with questions like that, it just makes him sound defensive, and there's nothing you can really say to a defensive person to make them feel any better about themselves.
Some guy who asked me out at the grocery store though? I don't need to explain anything to him. If a stranger handles a "thank you but no" with questions like that, it just makes him sound defensive, and there's nothing you can really say to a defensive person to make them feel any better about themselves.
My thoughts:
You don't owe someone an explanation, but as someone else said it is courteous if they ask. Once you give them your explanation if they continue to press you for more, now it's an issue of boundaries, you simply tell them how they are making you feel, if they don't care how they are making you feel or they try to press over your boundaries it was probably a good decision to not date them. At this point, you need to lay down further boundaries or if you feel incredibly unsafe, distance yourself from this person appropriately.
Sometimes though simply sharing how you feel about a person or circumstance is a good thing. Here's an example... (I think Grace Like Rain is awesome, I'm not picking on her post, but sharing an illustration.)
Example: If you feel like this person is getting too attached too quickly. Tell them how you feel!
You know Bob I don't think talking about marriage possibilities at this point is healthy. In fact, it kind of makes me uncomfortable because we don't know each other. What are your thoughts?
Giving feedback like this will only serve to strengthen your relationships in the future. And quite possibly, Bob was a right guy, but felt like he needed to show his interest quickly because of 'being the man'. Giving him feedback would have helped him and maybe even allowed the relationship to blossom further.
One of the quickest ways to destroy a relationship is to question the intention of the other person. I would also say, questioning the value of the person is also a relationship destroyer. Sometimes we don't always have our A game on all the time. I don't think this means the guy/girl has low-self esteem etc. If you met a really great guy/girl and you blew it on the first date because of something silly you did, would you want them to give you another chance to show the real you? If the answer is yes I think we should do the same for others.
C.
You don't owe someone an explanation, but as someone else said it is courteous if they ask. Once you give them your explanation if they continue to press you for more, now it's an issue of boundaries, you simply tell them how they are making you feel, if they don't care how they are making you feel or they try to press over your boundaries it was probably a good decision to not date them. At this point, you need to lay down further boundaries or if you feel incredibly unsafe, distance yourself from this person appropriately.
Sometimes though simply sharing how you feel about a person or circumstance is a good thing. Here's an example... (I think Grace Like Rain is awesome, I'm not picking on her post, but sharing an illustration.)
Example: If you feel like this person is getting too attached too quickly. Tell them how you feel!
You know Bob I don't think talking about marriage possibilities at this point is healthy. In fact, it kind of makes me uncomfortable because we don't know each other. What are your thoughts?
Giving feedback like this will only serve to strengthen your relationships in the future. And quite possibly, Bob was a right guy, but felt like he needed to show his interest quickly because of 'being the man'. Giving him feedback would have helped him and maybe even allowed the relationship to blossom further.
One of the quickest ways to destroy a relationship is to question the intention of the other person. I would also say, questioning the value of the person is also a relationship destroyer. Sometimes we don't always have our A game on all the time. I don't think this means the guy/girl has low-self esteem etc. If you met a really great guy/girl and you blew it on the first date because of something silly you did, would you want them to give you another chance to show the real you? If the answer is yes I think we should do the same for others.
C.
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THIS! Just be who you are. Not every person you spend time with is going to be your person. But if you continually tweak who you are to please someone else, soon you won't be who you ARE and you'll be a construct of the preferences of others... and then in 10 years - after you marry and the stresses of life come - you look around and ask, "Is this my beautiful house, is this my beautiful life" (go Devo) And then the days go by....
Anyway, someone is going to see YOU and think you are the best thing since meeting Jesus and you'll think the same thing. Just be who you are.
(uh, hello, rabbit trail)
Anyway, someone is going to see YOU and think you are the best thing since meeting Jesus and you'll think the same thing. Just be who you are.
(uh, hello, rabbit trail)
Personally, I really admire people who earnestly put their intentions and feelings out there. I find that a lot of people find it a real challenge to do this. I think if someone pursues you, and you don't think it's right, out of respect and honour, something should be said and/or explained. Even if its simple 'I don't see you that way'.
If you don't know where someone is at with themselves, I think it's a good idea to give them a piece of 'closure' if that's the right word for this context. I think putting yourself out there is an emotional investment in itself and people need some sort of soft landing.
In saying that, a couple of years ago as a new convert, I remember I was working at the auto parts and accessories retail store on weekends while studying at university, and this really nice young man asked for help with parts for his car. He was really confident and kind. He left, came back, I made some joke that left both of us cackling with laughter, then he came back for a third time asking for my number. I was super excited. So we said we'd meet up for coffee at night since I was still working at that point.
So while I kept working, he messaged me 5 times and called 5 times, and then started leaving messages like, 'Leaving me hanging, you're so mean.' So the red lights start flashing, I felt very uncomfortable considering he knew I was working until late afternoon. At first I didn't respond, but eventually he called again and again, and I just ended up messaging him, 'Sorry, I don't think this is a good idea. I'm sorry about this.' I just felt like I needed to let him down gently because his emotions and reactions did not seem stable, which was such a contrast to the man that asked my for my number earlier that day.
And actually thinking about it, he may have been the last person who actually took the first step and asked me out for coffee. Wow, it's been a long time.
... Maybe... I smell bad or something....? Or maybe because I love tacos too much.
If you don't know where someone is at with themselves, I think it's a good idea to give them a piece of 'closure' if that's the right word for this context. I think putting yourself out there is an emotional investment in itself and people need some sort of soft landing.
In saying that, a couple of years ago as a new convert, I remember I was working at the auto parts and accessories retail store on weekends while studying at university, and this really nice young man asked for help with parts for his car. He was really confident and kind. He left, came back, I made some joke that left both of us cackling with laughter, then he came back for a third time asking for my number. I was super excited. So we said we'd meet up for coffee at night since I was still working at that point.
So while I kept working, he messaged me 5 times and called 5 times, and then started leaving messages like, 'Leaving me hanging, you're so mean.' So the red lights start flashing, I felt very uncomfortable considering he knew I was working until late afternoon. At first I didn't respond, but eventually he called again and again, and I just ended up messaging him, 'Sorry, I don't think this is a good idea. I'm sorry about this.' I just felt like I needed to let him down gently because his emotions and reactions did not seem stable, which was such a contrast to the man that asked my for my number earlier that day.
And actually thinking about it, he may have been the last person who actually took the first step and asked me out for coffee. Wow, it's been a long time.
... Maybe... I smell bad or something....? Or maybe because I love tacos too much.
That's quite a story, thanks 
.... although in my experience, 'over texting' is usually a girl thing, and us guys are the ones getting in trouble for not replying adequately! Or is it just my generation of older guys who are not so fond of using the social electronic media??
.... although in my experience, 'over texting' is usually a girl thing, and us guys are the ones getting in trouble for not replying adequately! Or is it just my generation of older guys who are not so fond of using the social electronic media??
Funny enough, most of my female friends are very mobile phone savvy (I believe Americans call them cellphones), but I'm odd in that I only text to make an appointment to see someone, and my average response to a text is two days. I don't have patience to type a message in text form and I don't know how to download an app if my life depended on it.
Yet, I am a 25 year old female who is surrounded by technology and has no troubles with computers or laptops.
Admittedly, people think this is very odd. But... *Shrugs* I value face to face time more. I value being present and physically close to people.
My point being - there are men and women who are not so fond of using those avenues of connecting.
It happens more often than you might think. Rule of thumb, boys... don't talk about marriage possibilities on (or before) the first date.