What is the Christian Take on "Dating Within (or Outside) Your League"?
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I think it exists even within the Christian community. I don't see anything wrong with the idea of dating within the league, but I do not support those who take it to the extremes of being biased by nationality, caste, language, etc.
To a large extent, dating within the league is advisable because -
1. It helps both partners to connect with each other across all levels. No relationship can survive if there is no connection between the partners.
2. It builds feelings of mutual respect - this may be a challenge if one person in the relationship comes from a lower league than the other person.
3. Both partners feel that the other person is capable of handling each other's social or professional circles. Often, in relationships where one person is way above the league of the other, the former hesitates to introduce the latter to his/her friends and colleagues. This is viewed as a form of protection, to shield the other from unwanted attention.
Though I am in favour of dating within the league, I do not think there can be a universal grading system for this. As the posters before me have implied, the league rank is subjective and varies from person to person. When it comes to finding a possible match, both partners have to mutually accept each other's league ranks and then evaluate whether they are compatible for each other or not. Any mismatch can be counter-productive for the relationship.
Note: So I typed this 2 hours ago, and wasn't going to post it because I have this ability to look at the OP abstractly then some how twist the topic to talking about head stuff I'm trying to figure out at the moment. I've also only had 2.5 hours sleep. But here it is:
Another very thought provoking thread, Kim. Love it.
I've only vaguely skimmed through the posts so I don't know if anyone has touched this topic from this angle, but I can't help but wonder whether Christians tend to put on this lens because of our perception on marriage?
What I find is that Christians have a much more serious look on marriage than non-believers since we learn very early on the importance of a strong marriage and strong legacy we leave behind. Perhaps it is because of the importance we place in finding the 'right' one that we suddenly pump our standards-o-meter with steroids and work it to over-drive.
I'm sure most of you are well educated on the importance of being equally yoked, of being like-minded and to seek someone moving in the same direction in life. I find that although we are bombarded with wise lessons and date-worthy qualities to consider, we can't help but grow some very interesting perceptions on what kinds of people we should date or what kind of person will compliment us while we compliment them in a godly relationship.
But honestly, since moving from a church of 50 people who were mostly elderly to a church of a couple of hundred who are mostly young adults, my mental categorising of the men around me has gone in to over-drive. Even though I'm not in the mood for dating, I can't help but screen and weigh the attributes of the men around me, and although all this weighing and analysing is mentally tiring, it just kicks in quite naturally.
This one thing I will admit, I over-think this area in life because I am scared. I feel as though I need to be three steps in front of everything and be painfully wise (perhaps paranoid.... maybe) about how I interact with these men.
I don't think categorising people according to numbers is wise or subjecting people to leagues is fair, but I think you have to consider some important things. We are all attracted to certain attributes and value different attributes that also work outside of social status, physical appearances, occupation, interests etc. I think a better lens to look at this with is, 'A relationship that would work', 'A relationship that wouldn't work', and 'A relationship that could work with a slightly larger portion of compromise' (obviously coming to this decision with godly wisdom and the prompting of the Holy Spirit).
During my early years in CC, I probably would have posted something along the lines of "Love-love love, lovelove! All we need is love and it will all work, let's not hate, let's just love. Let's love anyone and everyone. Love." But now I'm more, "Weigh it out, don't rush, know exactly who you are and admit your needs, admit where you can compromise, make sure you're both heading in the same direction in life and in your spiritual walk. Equally yoked, man, everyone says that for a reason. Pray, diligently. Seek that peace in your choice, that peace that surpasses all understanding, don't ignore that gut feeling."
You have to process, wisely, whether it will work or not.
Another very thought provoking thread, Kim. Love it.
I've only vaguely skimmed through the posts so I don't know if anyone has touched this topic from this angle, but I can't help but wonder whether Christians tend to put on this lens because of our perception on marriage?
What I find is that Christians have a much more serious look on marriage than non-believers since we learn very early on the importance of a strong marriage and strong legacy we leave behind. Perhaps it is because of the importance we place in finding the 'right' one that we suddenly pump our standards-o-meter with steroids and work it to over-drive.
I'm sure most of you are well educated on the importance of being equally yoked, of being like-minded and to seek someone moving in the same direction in life. I find that although we are bombarded with wise lessons and date-worthy qualities to consider, we can't help but grow some very interesting perceptions on what kinds of people we should date or what kind of person will compliment us while we compliment them in a godly relationship.
But honestly, since moving from a church of 50 people who were mostly elderly to a church of a couple of hundred who are mostly young adults, my mental categorising of the men around me has gone in to over-drive. Even though I'm not in the mood for dating, I can't help but screen and weigh the attributes of the men around me, and although all this weighing and analysing is mentally tiring, it just kicks in quite naturally.
This one thing I will admit, I over-think this area in life because I am scared. I feel as though I need to be three steps in front of everything and be painfully wise (perhaps paranoid.... maybe) about how I interact with these men.
I don't think categorising people according to numbers is wise or subjecting people to leagues is fair, but I think you have to consider some important things. We are all attracted to certain attributes and value different attributes that also work outside of social status, physical appearances, occupation, interests etc. I think a better lens to look at this with is, 'A relationship that would work', 'A relationship that wouldn't work', and 'A relationship that could work with a slightly larger portion of compromise' (obviously coming to this decision with godly wisdom and the prompting of the Holy Spirit).
During my early years in CC, I probably would have posted something along the lines of "Love-love love, lovelove! All we need is love and it will all work, let's not hate, let's just love. Let's love anyone and everyone. Love." But now I'm more, "Weigh it out, don't rush, know exactly who you are and admit your needs, admit where you can compromise, make sure you're both heading in the same direction in life and in your spiritual walk. Equally yoked, man, everyone says that for a reason. Pray, diligently. Seek that peace in your choice, that peace that surpasses all understanding, don't ignore that gut feeling."
You have to process, wisely, whether it will work or not.
J
So I have dated all over the scale since I started dating in my teens. Until I was near my 30's I never considered unequalled yoked anything to do with education and finances. As I am a true believer that every one has things to offer and learn. That being said as I've aged I have noted the biggest problems in my relationships have been exactly 3 things. Finances, Education/career and relationship with God. So not to sound snobby, I have come to believe that unequally yoked just doesn't mean a person's relationship with God, but also their relationship with God, money, family, etc. Which all boils down to the eduction on all those matters.
I have to disagree with you, sydlit. I think the ones who raised an issue over it did it for a legitimate reason. For a guy, I remember reading those posts and thinking "Gosh, this is inappropriate!" (and mind you, I am not a Bible-thumping, holier-than-thou kinda guy). So I can understand why the users reproved you for that. Nevertheless, that issue is dead and buried, one of the users has expressed her concern and support for you in this thread, but you still seem upset over it. As brothers and sisters in Christ, can't we admonish each other and later move on together?
Secondly, and this is a pet peeve of mine, I would appreciate if you confront the people with whom you are upset, over PM. It does not look nice when you make such indirect comments.
I hope that you would take my words positively, brother.
Secondly, and this is a pet peeve of mine, I would appreciate if you confront the people with whom you are upset, over PM. It does not look nice when you make such indirect comments.
I hope that you would take my words positively, brother.
G
I have to disagree with you, sydlit. I think the ones who raised an issue over it did it for a legitimate reason. For a guy, I remember reading those posts and thinking "Gosh, this is inappropriate!" (and mind you, I am not a Bible-thumping, holier-than-thou kinda guy). So I can understand why the users reproved you for that. Nevertheless, that issue is dead and buried, one of the users has expressed her concern and support for you in this thread, but you still seem upset over it. As brothers and sisters in Christ, can't we admonish each other and later move on together?
Secondly, and this is a pet peeve of mine, I would appreciate if you confront the people with whom you are upset, over PM. It does not look nice when you make such indirect comments.
I hope that you would take my words positively, brother.
Secondly, and this is a pet peeve of mine, I would appreciate if you confront the people with whom you are upset, over PM. It does not look nice when you make such indirect comments.
I hope that you would take my words positively, brother.
I do not believe that I am aware of whatever 'incident' Roh_Chris is talking about here.
My comment is not intended with any specific regard to sydlit or zeroturbulence; it is simply this:
"This kind of thing really happens..."
M
For me, there are leagues, but I would say they're not really based off of looks. I mean yes, I want to be at least somewhat attracted to my partner. But I also want to find someone that is on par with me on the important stuff: religion, spirituality, hobbies, family matters, financial situations, methods of raising children, etc.
So for me, those topics are what determine if someone is really on my 'league' or not. Although, I wouldn't really call it a league. I think it's just my preferences...
So for me, those topics are what determine if someone is really on my 'league' or not. Although, I wouldn't really call it a league. I think it's just my preferences...
Lynx, one of your best qualities is that you just let things roll off your back. I've had arguments with you up one side and down the other in this forum and you always just shrug and let things go (setting an example of how I should be handling things as well.)
That alone has to be worth an extra 2.5 points.
Iconsider myself to be about a 5.5 -- just slightly above average, and the I only give myself the extra half point because I'm loyal to my friends, which I hope is worth something.
Besides, it seems like the "just-trendy-enough", "not too pretentious", "not too modest" answer that would look good on a poll.
That alone has to be worth an extra 2.5 points.
Iconsider myself to be about a 5.5 -- just slightly above average, and the I only give myself the extra half point because I'm loyal to my friends, which I hope is worth something.
Besides, it seems like the "just-trendy-enough", "not too pretentious", "not too modest" answer that would look good on a poll.
) but in the eyes of our maker we are all a 10 because we were created to His image but having said that:I consider myself slightly above average
but my wife is a supermodel ... in a moment of weakness I caught a beauty what a lucky guy to receive such a blessing from ABBA Father
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I consider myself slightly above average but my wife is a supermodel ... in a moment of weakness I caught a beauty what a lucky guy to receive such a blessing from ABBA Father
but my wife is a supermodel ... in a moment of weakness I caught a beauty what a lucky guy to receive such a blessing from ABBA Father
Jk.. there is a thread about catfishing and I thought I'll tease you with your post.
Having similar VALUES is important in the ease of a relationship. Sometimes people presume that "values" just means "morals/ethics" and so they presume a fellow Christian would be on the same page. But people can be ethical in a variety of ways. Some people are frugal with money and prefer to save. Others are looser with money and prefer to spend it on what they value. There are ethics in play on both sides, so neither is "better" than the other; however, if a saver marries a spender...watch out!
Part of the reason that pre-marital counseling is so helpful in keeping marriages together is because it forces the couple to examine and discuss their values around issues like money, time, child-rearing, communication, etc. Where there is a lack of alignment, there needs to be some negotiation and compromise.
Part of the reason that pre-marital counseling is so helpful in keeping marriages together is because it forces the couple to examine and discuss their values around issues like money, time, child-rearing, communication, etc. Where there is a lack of alignment, there needs to be some negotiation and compromise.
S
I have to disagree with you, sydlit. I think the ones who raised an issue over it did it for a legitimate reason. For a guy, I remember reading those posts and thinking "Gosh, this is inappropriate!" (and mind you, I am not a Bible-thumping, holier-than-thou kinda guy). So I can understand why the users reproved you for that. Nevertheless, that issue is dead and buried, one of the users has expressed her concern and support for you in this thread, but you still seem upset over it. As brothers and sisters in Christ, can't we admonish each other and later move on together?
Secondly, and this is a pet peeve of mine, I would appreciate if you confront the people with whom you are upset, over PM. It does not look nice when you make such indirect comments.
I hope that you would take my words positively, brother.
Secondly, and this is a pet peeve of mine, I would appreciate if you confront the people with whom you are upset, over PM. It does not look nice when you make such indirect comments.
I hope that you would take my words positively, brother.
How about taking some of your own advice?!
Oh, so YOU would appreciate it if I pm somebody?!
How do you know I haven't, and where was YOUR pm
to me over some so-called 'inappropriate posts' (plural)?!
Pretty bold in your vague accusations, aren't you?
How about showing me the exact words
you claim I said and what horrified you so?
You (as everyone), have an open pm line to me.
Since you think that's so appropriate
in the singles forum, why didn't you use it?
Also, in your lack of understanding,
you mixed two separate issues into one,
seemingly in order to make a bogus point
and try to stick a little dig into me,
then self-righteously proclaim it a dead issue and run away.
If an issue is mine, only God and I get to decide when it is dead.
We don't need 'admonishment' from a
non-bible-thumping, not-holier than-thou,
'christian' with a juuusst-slightly-superior spirit,
But thanks anyway, brother.
(Please read further, with consideration)...
Btw, thanks for all the prayers, concern
and encouragement re: some of my other posts,
... really appreciate all the heartfelt support.
Let's see... selective in the posts we choose
to gloss over, selective in acting offended
and also selectively compassionate. Hmm...
Let me thump a little bible...
'If there be any consolation in Christ,
if any comfort of love,
if any fellowship of the Spirit,
if any bowels of mercies,
fulfill my joy, that you be like-minded,
having the same love, being of one accord,
of one mind.
Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory;
but in lowliness of mind
LET EACH ESTEEM OTHERS
BETTER THAN THEMSELVES. (Phi.2:1-3)
Father, help us ALL to grow in grace and in the
knowledge of our Saviour Jesus in 2016.
Please, 'Let brotherly love continue'. Sincerely.
Thank you Lord. Amen.
S
Nice note to SELF.
Out loud on a public forum.
What a dimwit.
And I wasn't being questioned, nosy,
According to the poster's own word's, I was
being reproved and admonished.
Bit of a difference, wiseguy.
And since when is the truth, and quoting scripture,
'bringing a firestorm'? (except to the enemies of the Lord)
Oh, and I almost forgot...
Thank you, too, for all the compassion
during a pretty down time.
All your prayers and words of comfort
(in between your little notes to self)
are just so meaningful...thx, 'christian',
kinda gets a brother right here.
That was a prayer of sincerity in post #74,
the scripture was from Philippians
chapter 2 verses 1 to 3.
It's in the bible.
Peace in Christ. sydlit.
Out loud on a public forum.
What a dimwit.
And I wasn't being questioned, nosy,
According to the poster's own word's, I was
being reproved and admonished.
Bit of a difference, wiseguy.
And since when is the truth, and quoting scripture,
'bringing a firestorm'? (except to the enemies of the Lord)
Oh, and I almost forgot...
Thank you, too, for all the compassion
during a pretty down time.
All your prayers and words of comfort
(in between your little notes to self)
are just so meaningful...thx, 'christian',
kinda gets a brother right here.
That was a prayer of sincerity in post #74,
the scripture was from Philippians
chapter 2 verses 1 to 3.
It's in the bible.
Peace in Christ. sydlit.
I think leagues are out of my league. Only leagueless guys need apply. ( would be really funny if auto correct had made leagueless into legless).
On a slightly more serious note, I don't know that the idea of different groupings of what goes together is bad, but when we start assigning a higher value to one than another that's not good. So a movie star would be out of my league simply in the fact that the adjustments we'd both have to make to each other's lives and lifestyle in order to be together would be huge, but that shouldn't mean that the movie star is inherently a better person or better marriage partner than I would be. And it doesn't mean that no one can every marry "out of their league" it just means that the adjustments and challenges will most likely be greater in those relationships.
On a slightly more serious note, I don't know that the idea of different groupings of what goes together is bad, but when we start assigning a higher value to one than another that's not good. So a movie star would be out of my league simply in the fact that the adjustments we'd both have to make to each other's lives and lifestyle in order to be together would be huge, but that shouldn't mean that the movie star is inherently a better person or better marriage partner than I would be. And it doesn't mean that no one can every marry "out of their league" it just means that the adjustments and challenges will most likely be greater in those relationships.
Its because of this leagues that falling in love becomes so hard. There is a guy who is attracted to a girl but thinks she is out of his league. So he doesnt do anything about it because he is paralyzed by fear of rejection. A lot of people would be happier if only people can be honest and straightforward without considering these leagues and standards whatever.
