How Not to be Labeled as a Player at Your Church--Part 1.

[Tinuviel]

Absolutely, church is a great place to look for potential mates. But for obvious reasons, that won't always work. The only eligible bachelors in my church are some of my brothers .

Honestly...I have no problem with someone asking other girls out if someone turns him down. Since when does asking someone out make you a player? The definitions I found (Yes, I took to the dictionary ) were all like: a man who fools around with a lot of women and does not want to marry or be in a long-term relationship. Or: a person who dates more than one person at a time, usually just for sex or other perks. Will typically do anything to have sex with someone. Carries a heavy negative connotation. Usually used to describe males, but could be used to describe females who act in this manner.

At the same time, I think my human pride would be stung at the idea that I was the 3rd on his list, so that's something to work through as well.

If you want to get married, you have to ask people out. Church is an obvious choice, since for Christians, compatibility in the spiritual life is commanded. For me I would have to be dating someone pretty strange or pretty long-distance if I wasn't dating in my church, because we're on an island of Catholics and Lutherans of the pew-warming variety.

I'm not sure what I think about moving churches because you can't find a girl you like...that seems like an incredibly skewed focus.

As usual, I'm somewhere in the middle, which doesn't make a very succinct post.

 

[tourist]

Absolutely, church is a great place to look for potential mates. But for obvious reasons, that won't always work. The only eligible bachelors in my church are some of my brothers .

Honestly...I have no problem with someone asking other girls out if someone turns him down. Since when does asking someone out make you a player? The definitions I found (Yes, I took to the dictionary ) were all like: a man who fools around with a lot of women and does not want to marry or be in a long-term relationship. Or: a person who dates more than one person at a time, usually just for sex or other perks. Will typically do anything to have sex with someone. Carries a heavy negative connotation. Usually used to describe males, but could be used to describe females who act in this manner.

At the same time, I think my human pride would be stung at the idea that I was the 3rd on his list, so that's something to work through as well.

If you want to get married, you have to ask people out. Church is an obvious choice, since for Christians, compatibility in the spiritual life is commanded. For me I would have to be dating someone pretty strange or pretty long-distance if I wasn't dating in my church, because we're on an island of Catholics and Lutherans of the pew-warming variety.

I'm not sure what I think about moving churches because you can't find a girl you like...that seems like an incredibly skewed focus.

As usual, I'm somewhere in the middle, which doesn't make a very succinct post.

Actually, your perception is very succinct and concise. You are very right about there has to be spiritual compatibility in a relationship so as to not be unequally yoked. Despite what I wrote in my post I believe that a church setting is an excellent starting point in finding that special someone to share your life with. However, it would be wise to not limit your search to those that sit in the pews close to you or are singing in the choir. Those aren't the only starfish in the sea. And yes, absolutely, if you want to get married you have to ask people out. You may get the catch of a lifetime. You have a well-balance approach with a certain measure of wisdom when it comes to relationships, especially one that may lead to marriage. You are going to make an excellent catch for the one man that decides to take a chance on you, roll the dice, and see if sparks fly.

 

[seoulsearch]

I married a pretty little girl in church. 16 years later, we are divorced.

As far as the guys being players..... no, they are trying to get dates. If they were playas, they'd be dating all those girls at the same time.

As far as women not wanting to be asked second, third, or last...... they need to get over that. The real world isn't a Disney movie. Rarely do two people meet for the first time, and fall for each other on the spot.

I'm very sorry about your divorce.

One of the other things I've thought about is, how do guys feel if this were flipped around?

If it were a woman asking several guys out in a row... I'm pretty sure that she would be spoken of rather unfavorably. It's the age-old double standard where, if a woman pursues men... certainly it's because she's loose and immoral.

So, if we turned the story around, and guys... What if a girl asked you out, and she'd already asked out all your friends, AND their friends as well? Would you still be flattered and want to go out with her?

I know--you wouldn't truly know unless she were a real person and you could gauge whether or not you were attracted to her, but what I'm saying is, would it be a turnoff to you that she'd asked several other guys out before you?

I've always been a part of smaller churches so it was very often the case that if you were looking for someone, you literally only had a small handful of people to choose from, so if any of those didn't work out... You needed to start fishing from another pond.

 

[Tommy379]

I'm very sorry about your divorce.

One of the other things I've thought about is, how do guys feel if this were flipped around?

If it were a woman asking several guys out in a row... I'm pretty sure that she would be spoken of rather unfavorably. It's the age-old double standard where, if a woman pursues men... certainly it's because she's loose and immoral.

So, if we turned the story around, and guys... What if a girl asked you out, and she'd already asked out all your friends, AND their friends as well? Would you still be flattered and want to go out with her?

I know--you wouldn't truly know unless she were a real person and you could gauge whether or not you were attracted to her, but what I'm saying is, would it be a turnoff to you that she'd asked several other guys out before you?

I've always been a part of smaller churches so it was very often the case that if you were looking for someone, you literally only had a small handful of people to choose from, so if any of those didn't work out... You needed to start fishing from another pond.

I'd go out with the girl. A date is no obligation for anything, and we might get along well.

 

[tourist]

I'm very sorry about your divorce.

One of the other things I've thought about is, how do guys feel if this were flipped around?

If it were a woman asking several guys out in a row... I'm pretty sure that she would be spoken of rather unfavorably. It's the age-old double standard where, if a woman pursues men... certainly it's because she's loose and immoral.

So, if we turned the story around, and guys... What if a girl asked you out, and she'd already asked out all your friends, AND their friends as well? Would you still be flattered and want to go out with her?

I know--you wouldn't truly know unless she were a real person and you could gauge whether or not you were attracted to her, but what I'm saying is, would it be a turnoff to you that she'd asked several other guys out before you?

I've always been a part of smaller churches so it was very often the case that if you were looking for someone, you literally only had a small handful of people to choose from, so if any of those didn't work out... You needed to start fishing from another pond.

Yeah, and maybe change the bait on your hook. Maybe the bobber will go under and you will reel in a keeper.

 

[seoulsearch]

I'd go out with the girl. A date is no obligation for anything, and we might get along well.

So what you're saying is...

If it doesn't work out with the other 20 guys I have on the line right now (maybe I need to start a thread)...

I can still call you.

Cool.

 

[tourist]

So what you're saying is...

If it doesn't work out with the other 20 guys I have on the line right now (maybe I need to start a thread)...

I can still call you.

Cool.

With that many guys you may need a net.

 

[Tommy379]

So what you're saying is...

If it doesn't work out with the other 20 guys I have on the line right now (maybe I need to start a thread)...

I can still call you.

Cool.

Sure, we might like each other, and fall in love or something that resembles that.

I'm realistic, I know I don't look like channing Tatum, so I'm not going to be the first choice.

 

[seoulsearch]

So what you're saying is...

If it doesn't work out with the other 20 guys I have on the line right now (maybe I need to start a thread)...

I can still call you.

Cool.

With that many guys you may need a net.

Unfortunately, a net "pulls" all the fun out of the thrill of the hunt.

Personally, I was just planning on harpooning them one-by-one.

 

[tourist]

Unfortunately, a net "pulls" all the fun out of the thrill of the hunt.

Personally, I was just planning on harpooning them one-by-one.

Yeah, spear fishing. I appreciate how you roll 'em.

 

[seoulsearch]

Sure, we might like each other, and fall in love or something that resembles that.

I'm realistic, I know I don't look like channing Tatum, so I'm not going to be the first choice.

Tommy, you very much deserve to be someone's first choice.

I read in an interview with Channing Tatum about a year before his divorce in which he said he was a functioning alcoholic, and that it caused a great deal of grief for his wife.

I spent 3 years in a hellish relationship with an alcoholic. Never again.

A sinking ship with a pretty face is still sinking, and will take anyone with him right along to the depths of the sea.

 

[cinder]

In cases like mine.... unless I'm willing to go out with a 17 year old or a 65 year old there are no options in the church. By the way... I'm not willing ... just for the record .

That's how I pretty much feel, at church and at work, the pool of single eligible guys is insanely limited, and that's before you even start considering age.

My counsel, based on observation, pertaining to women, is to not to strictly focus your search on finding a loving and faithful man in your local church setting. There are plenty of good single men outside of church and if you limit your search exclusively to any available men in church you may be neglecting an opportunity of a lifetime.

Why just men in church? It's not as if all of the men outside in the world do not possess the quality and characteristics of what is important in a real man who may one day become your husband. I would especially avoid pastors who, in my opinion are exposed to countless temptations leading to marital infidelity. Oh yeah, do not marry a choir boy because, as with pastors, may have an unrealistic perception of what it means for a wife to submit to her husband. Besides that, they are also probably sexually naïve when it comes to sexual matters.

Of course, God should always be relied on to search and find a man of your heart's desire. Don't set the bar so high that no man can possibly meet your standard of perfection. Also, the longer you wait the more likely it is that there are not a whole lot of virgin men left, and you have to be willing to accept that. No man is perfect but many can become a good supportive husband if given the chance.

Don't wait until all the 'T's' are crossed, all the 'I's' dotted, and all the lights are green before making your move as you may be waiting a very long time as God is not going to drop the perfect spouse in your lap. This will require action on your part. Don't let fear of rejection make you tentative in your approach. This same advice is for the single guys too. If you have a fear of commitment it is best to remain single, being content to watch the years go by and one day ask yourself why you are alone in the world.

There are plenty of single available men and women that would make a good spouse and become your best friend. You just never know who you are going to meet.

Just out of curiosity, where else would you look for these quality christian people (because most of us have been told ad nauseum to only date believers (and I completely concur with that idea))? And how do you define plenty because people in my generation pretty much literally left the faith in droves sometime in the college years and most are married or shacked up unless they just got out of a relationship or have no interest in a committed relationship? And for the record, I'd much prefer a sexually naive man to one that had tons of experience with other women before wanting to be with me. At least we'd have something in common in that area then and I'd have few expectations to feel I had to live up to.

 

[Dino246]

I think if a guy asks out a girl, it should be done discreetly, and the other women would not know unless they gossip. If that is the case, the guy is better off looking elsewhere anyway.

If someone asks for advice, by all means tell them to start looking at their local church, but not to limit their search to there!

 

[Tommy379]

I think if a guy asks out a girl, it should be done discreetly, and the other women would not know unless they gossip. If that is the case, the guy is better off looking elsewhere anyway.

If someone asks for advice, by all means tell them to start looking at their local church, but not to limit their search to there!

So I should stop asking this women out in the forums?

 

[seoulsearch]

I think if a guy asks out a girl, it should be done discreetly, and the other women would not know unless they gossip. If that is the case, the guy is better off looking elsewhere anyway.

If someone asks for advice, by all means tell them to start looking at their local church, but not to limit their search to there!

So I should stop asking this women out in the forums?

Maybe so.

After all, they might all start talking about it among themselves...

And suddenly, 20 women are finally going to realize that you've asked them all out.

Because of course, they couldn't figure that out already from your posts.

 

[Desdichado]

Women are bound to tell each other about some dude asking them out.

You would have no church to go to.

I think if a guy asks out a girl, it should be done discreetly, and the other women would not know unless they gossip. If that is the case, the guy is better off looking elsewhere anyway.

If someone asks for advice, by all means tell them to start looking at their local church, but not to limit their search to there!

 

[Tommy379]

Maybe so.

After all, they might all start talking about it among themselves...

And suddenly, 20 women are finally going to realize that you've asked them all out.

Because of course, they couldn't figure that out already from your posts.

Maybe I should just PM my phone number out to everyone, like some tend to do.

 

[Desdichado]

You still haven't gotten over the Marburg Colloquy.

Absolutely, church is a great place to look for potential mates. But for obvious reasons, that won't always work. The only eligible bachelors in my church are some of my brothers .

Honestly...I have no problem with someone asking other girls out if someone turns him down. Since when does asking someone out make you a player? The definitions I found (Yes, I took to the dictionary ) were all like: a man who fools around with a lot of women and does not want to marry or be in a long-term relationship. Or: a person who dates more than one person at a time, usually just for sex or other perks. Will typically do anything to have sex with someone. Carries a heavy negative connotation. Usually used to describe males, but could be used to describe females who act in this manner.

At the same time, I think my human pride would be stung at the idea that I was the 3rd on his list, so that's something to work through as well.

If you want to get married, you have to ask people out. Church is an obvious choice, since for Christians, compatibility in the spiritual life is commanded. For me I would have to be dating someone pretty strange or pretty long-distance if I wasn't dating in my church, because we're on an island of Catholics and Lutherans of the pew-warming variety.

I'm not sure what I think about moving churches because you can't find a girl you like...that seems like an incredibly skewed focus.

As usual, I'm somewhere in the middle, which doesn't make a very succinct post.

 

[Desdichado]

I'd give you a call, tiger.

Maybe I should just PM my phone number out to everyone, like some tend to do.

 

[zeroturbulence]

Absolutely, church is a great place to look for potential mates. But for obvious reasons, that won't always work. The only eligible bachelors in my church are some of my brothers .

Honestly...I have no problem with someone asking other girls out if someone turns him down. Since when does asking someone out make you a player? The definitions I found (Yes, I took to the dictionary ) were all like: a man who fools around with a lot of women and does not want to marry or be in a long-term relationship. Or: a person who dates more than one person at a time, usually just for sex or other perks. Will typically do anything to have sex with someone. Carries a heavy negative connotation. Usually used to describe males, but could be used to describe females who act in this manner.

At the same time, I think my human pride would be stung at the idea that I was the 3rd on his list, so that's something to work through as well.

If you want to get married, you have to ask people out. Church is an obvious choice, since for Christians, compatibility in the spiritual life is commanded. For me I would have to be dating someone pretty strange or pretty long-distance if I wasn't dating in my church, because we're on an island of Catholics and Lutherans of the pew-warming variety.

I'm not sure what I think about moving churches because you can't find a girl you like...that seems like an incredibly skewed focus.

As usual, I'm somewhere in the middle, which doesn't make a very succinct post.

Here's how...

Let's say 'Joe' is a newcomer to bible study and there are 6 women... Jane, Joan, Jessie, Jenny, Martha and Mary... and the women all get along and talk with each other during and after bible study...

Now one day Joe asks Mary out and Mary rejects him... Mary doesn't tell anyone about it because Mary is cool like that...

BUT then a month later Joe asks Martha out and she rejects him as well... but she doesn't tell anyone either...

THEN... another month later, Joe asks Jenny out and Jenny rejects him...

Then one day, as the women are chatting, one of them mentions Joe and how he doesn't seem to be attached... and then Mary pipes up and says "Yea, I hope he finds someone. He actually asked me out a couple months ago but I said no." ... Then Martha and Jenny both say, "He asked me out too." And they all look at each other and laugh...

Then they start talking about Joe and wondering who he's going to ask next.... And the other girls are like, "I don't want to be his fourth choice, eww!!"

And from then on.... Joe senses that the girls seem to be less interested in talking to him.....