Why do marriages fail?

[Lanolin]

Just going back to this topic, people say 'see a counsellor' or 'see a therapist' but do couples really do that if they cant sort out their problems? Cant they just pray?

Wouldnt therapists and counsellors be expensive? Are there such things as marriage coaches or referees that come and blow the whistle or something if theres a fight or do you just call the police.

 

[IlovelivingforJesus]

I believe there are many things that can cause A marriage to fail, like lack of communication, abuse, lack of respect, being unappreciated, boredom, cheating, abuse, drugs etc. But this I know also, it is God who can keep A marriage together. I have been married for 24 years now, it has not been all candy and roses but we have allowed the Lord to help us and repair any damage that occurred through the years. God made marriage and marriage need God.

 

[NOV25]

Im always shocked when I hear of a married couple splitting up. It makes me question a few things, especially if its a christian couple

we know marriage is no guarantee that adultery and unfaithfulness wont happen, but why is it so common these days even in the church. Is it because couples ARE unequally yoked to begin with or some other reason? or is it because of pressure to be married, and from being young and naive and maybe a bit blind to the responsibilites of raising a family, the commitment involved? not enough preparation?

for women is the desire to have children and then caring for them outweighing wifely duties, and for men is it the pressure of providing for the family that ends up splitting couples apart?

or is it simply hardness of heart? what do divorcees say about lessons they learned from being married? when you say marriage vows, arent you both supposed to MEAN what you say or is it just a token thing you do now?

from speaking with split couples my conclusions from observations of women are that they didnt really want to be married it was pressure to be married and not being able to say no, and also pressure to have children before being too old. some wanted childen MORE than wanting a husband thats what I seem to notice, and so chose badly, or put up with abuse, a husbands personal qualities didnt seem to matter over his ability to actually sire children. I really want people to be honest about the issue. Because why would people go to all the trouble of getting married, set up a house together and then just break up after a couple of years it does not make sense. and it also doenst make sense for any children caught in the middle of the drama.

Unfortunately the divorce rate in this country is basically the same among “Christians” as non-Christians. Why? The answer is simple really. The local church is filled with non-Christians, they become unequally yoked or neither one is actually Christian.
This may sound harsh and I’m sorry if this stings some folks but salvation serious business. To be Christian is the most glorious gift known to mankind. It’s very unlikely (impossible really) for a Christian to continue in adultery, fornication, pornography, intoxication etc.

 

[presidente]

Unfortunately the divorce rate in this country is basically the same among “Christians” as non-Christians. Why? The answer is simple really. The local church is filled with non-Christians, they become unequally yoked or neither one is actually Christian.
This may sound harsh and I’m sorry if this stings some folks but salvation serious business. To be Christian is the most glorious gift known to mankind. It’s very unlikely (impossible really) for a Christian to continue in adultery, fornication, pornography, intoxication etc.

There are certain variables that can predict lower divorce rates. One is active church attendance. Another, at least in research from 1990 is if the woman in the marriage is either a virgin or had slept with no man prior to marriage than her husband (predicts lower rates of 'marital disruption' (Teachman, 1990.)) In Barna surveys people who claim to be 'born again' tend to have about the same divorce rate as the general population.

I think part of the problem is with preachers no preaching the gospel, not telling audiences that Jesus dies for their sins and rose from the dead, having them repeat a prayer that mentions the name of Jesus, and then declaring them born again.

But divorce rates are too high. Part of it is compromising the teaching of the Bible on marriage and divorce.

 

[SUNDOWNSAM]

I believe there are many things that can cause A marriage to fail, like lack of communication, abuse, lack of respect, being unappreciated, boredom, cheating, abuse, drugs etc. But this I know also, it is God who can keep A marriage together. I have been married for 24 years now, it has not been all candy and roses but we have allowed the Lord to help us and repair any damage that occurred through the years. God made marriage and marriage need God.

--------------------------

I believe that it is important for God to be in the center of a marriage, but God gave us instructions through the Scriptures that if a husband and a wife follows they will have a successful marriage. I know many people who have been married for many years and had successful marriage. I have learned before getting married that a marriage it not about a man and a woman, it is not about two people, it is about one flesh (a husband and a wife), if they do not recognized this the marriage would fail. God has shown me that a marriage will fulfill only when one of the spouse departs, many fell to realized this truth.

Hope you learned something from the about.

But you are absolutely correct, only God can repair a damage marriage. My sister was a marriage counselor, took marriage seriously and allowed herself to be used by God to help marriage that walked into quicksand.

 

[Silverwings]

There are many reasons I think and the more we talk about it , the better the chances we have of bringing change. Could it not be very helpful to go thru a marriage preparation course, together, one that is designed to make both partners aware of the things that go wrong and what could be done in advance to avoid them or fix them or at least be prepared and know what to look for as red flags? I think this alone would help tremendously.

 

[NOV25]

--------------------------

I believe that it is important for God to be in the center of a marriage, but God gave us instructions through the Scriptures that if a husband and a wife follows they will have a successful marriage. I know many people who have been married for many years and had successful marriage. I have learned before getting married that a marriage it not about a man and a woman, it is not about two people, it is about one flesh (a husband and a wife), if they do not recognized this the marriage would fail. God has shown me that a marriage will fulfill only when one of the spouse departs, many fell to realized this truth.

Hope you learned something from the about.

But you are absolutely correct, only God can repair a damage marriage. My sister was a marriage counselor, took marriage seriously and allowed herself to be used by God to help marriage that walked into quicksand.

Biblical counseling can be good for Christians but again, we must define Christian from a biblical standpoint. Christian is to be born again, to be a new creation, to abide in Christ and He in you... Once established that both parties are Christian then biblical counseling can move forward using scripture as the “rule book.” Guided by the Spirit this counseling (discipleship) will bear fruit as the Lord has promised the Christian He will start and finish a work of sanctification in every believer, improvement WILL be made.
If however the counselor, or either party involved fail to properly examine step one, whether or not they are truly in the faith, then all else is futile. A goat can read scripture all day and never change his anger problem, or pornography problem... Why? Because he’s a goat, you can’t disciple a goat into a sheep, this is impossible for man, only God grants this. Problems in marriage or sin? Honestly examine first that you are in the faith. Ask yourself, has God begun a work in me that He will finish (sanctification)? Or have I began a work in me that cannot be achieved because I’m doing it alone, without God? The later is what most congregants are experiencing.

 

[inukubo]

Unfortunately the divorce rate in this country is basically the same among “Christians” as non-Christians. Why? The answer is simple really. The local church is filled with non-Christians, they become unequally yoked or neither one is actually Christian.
This may sound harsh and I’m sorry if this stings some folks but salvation serious business. To be Christian is the most glorious gift known to mankind. It’s very unlikely (impossible really) for a Christian to continue in adultery, fornication, pornography, intoxication etc.

I think this is a huge overlooked reason why many "Christian" marriages fail. Both spouses go into a marriage thinking that they are both believers and after many years of living together, it becomes obvious that one or both of them are not spiritually regenerate. All the more reason to get to know one another's hearts, motivations, and desires VERY WELL before entering into the marriage covenant.

 

[Lanolin]

I think this is a huge overlooked reason why many "Christian" marriages fail. Both spouses go into a marriage thinking that they are both believers and after many years of living together, it becomes obvious that one or both of them are not spiritually regenerate. All the more reason to get to know one another's hearts, motivations, and desires VERY WELL before entering into the marriage covenant.

i have a hunch that this is correct when I think of the church couples that separated and divorced. Some people even marry pastors thinking well hes in church he must be a christian. It doesnt matter if I am one cos he is one. Or it might be the case that the one with the church office is not really a christian at all just pretending to be.

Because how can they divorce or separate and not get back together if they put God first and model Christ? If God calls them to be one, what can separate them?

 

[Aerials1978]

I think this is a huge overlooked reason why many "Christian" marriages fail. Both spouses go into a marriage thinking that they are both believers and after many years of living together, it becomes obvious that one or both of them are not spiritually regenerate. All the more reason to get to know one another's hearts, motivations, and desires VERY WELL before entering into the marriage covenant.

I think this is a huge overlooked reason why many "Christian" marriages fail. Both spouses go into a marriage thinking that they are both believers and after many years of living together, it becomes obvious that one or both of them are not spiritually regenerate. All the more reason to get to know one another's hearts, motivations, and desires VERY WELL before entering into the marriage covenant.

Another reason can be that the man and women didn’t place God as the head of their marriage. Without the Lords presence utter ruin will eventually come about.

 

[presidente]

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if they do not recognized this the marriage would fail. God has shown me that a marriage will fulfill only when one of the spouse departs, many fell to realized this truth.

I am assuming by 'depart' you mean passes away, not departs to run off with the secretary or rock drummer.

 

[presidente]

Not reading, believing and obeying the Bible.

There are plenty of Christians, clergy included, that will give someone who was divorced for no Biblical reason at all the advice to go marry someone else, or try to match them up, instead of saying stay single or reconcile with your ex.

I Corinthians 7 10 And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband:
11 But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.

Matthew 19:9 And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.

 

[Dino246]

Just going back to this topic, people say 'see a counsellor' or 'see a therapist' but do couples really do that if they cant sort out their problems? Cant they just pray?

Wouldnt therapists and counsellors be expensive? Are there such things as marriage coaches or referees that come and blow the whistle or something if theres a fight or do you just call the police.

Would you rather go to a counselor who just hung a shingle, or one who has relevant training and significant experience? I'd choose the latter, and be willing to pay for his/her time at a rate commensurate with their training and experience, and with the value of their counsel.

Yes, people can "just pray". However, many Christians don't pray about such things until a crisis is well underway, and then expect God to "just fix" the problems... in the other person. Those who do pray may not believe that God speaks today, let alone listen for answers. A wise counselor will address issues clearly and directly and place responsibility on the person who needs to own it. Most couples can't see beyond their issues to address them objectively; that is the value of a counselor... whether paid or not.

 

[Jimbone]

In my experience the biggest killer of marriage, in a word, is expectation, strait up. Going into a marriage while lost sets us all up for disappointment from the jump. If we are not made whole in Christ then we are going to naturally thing that marriage is going to be that "missing piece" that fixes us. It's not and can't be for the flesh can not satisfy. From there we expect things out of someone else, we expect them to do certain things or be certain ways and when they fall short we then start to think "oh this isn't making everything better like I thought it would, what I need must be elsewhere". These are things you can not see while in the flesh, and you only seek to make yourself whole by the flesh because outside direct revelation from God, which takes place by His grace through the power of His Spirit inside His children that have been spiritually "born again" here on earth by His will for His glory. Amen.

The biggest reason marriages outside of Jesus fail is because they are looking for something only God can give them in another person. I this holds just as true in a "Christians" home who has not been truly born again. Lets be honest here most of those in the US that claim the name Christian, have no idea what salvation truly is and can't be saved. I say this as one of these guys that liked the idea of Jesus, wore a cross, even went to church when I felt like it, but did not know Him. Through the transforming power of Jesus I now see that we should always approach any relationship as "what can I do to make their life better", to serve with no expectation of what they need to do for you. Get a couple in Jesus with this mentality, and I can assure you His name will be praised.

 

[presidente]

There are also sociological reasons in addition to spiritual ones. The divorce rate sky rocketted after the rise of the feminist movement and its effects on society and law. It used to be if women wanted to take out loans, the husband had to co-sign, and husbands were given some legal financial responsibility over their wives. Divorces were only granted if there were grounds for it.

Now the power has flipped. Now, either party can sign loans, but anyone can just up and file for a divorce without grounds. There may be a delay and legal hoops, but as far as I know, all states allow no-fault divorce (or call it something different.) Then the courts tend to give the children to the wife. Alimony is not as big of a deal as it was in the past, but some states may still allow it. But the percentage of no-fault divorces filed by women is between 60 and 70%. Many women, if they divorce, are incentivized by having power over the children and a steady stream of funding from their ex-husband who they force the unilateral divorce on, in the form of child support which helps support their lives. Overall, divorce is generally a value-destroying prospect (costs for two houses instead of one--or a guy living out of his car or parents' basement and the woman in the house.)

In past centuries, most people were farmers. History may focus on Kings, Queens, counts, barons, etc. But most people were not rich and lived in households and the household was the center of economic activity. There were professions and trades, but on a farm, husband, wife, and children work together to produce family resources. Then we had the industrial revolution which brought the people to the cities. In the US, in the '50's there were lots of housewives. Then we had the feminist movement, after which more women were able to work and support themselves, with a philosophy telling them they needed to to be fulfilled. This was followed by divorce.

Women being able to earn money apart from their husbands, without husbands having any legal authority over them, combined with the sexual revolution, and no-fault divorce seems to have led to a lot of divorces in society. Many of the churches have adapted their teaching and doctrine to fit with the widespread divorce.

 

[Aerials1978]

There are also sociological reasons in addition to spiritual ones. The divorce rate sky rocketted after the rise of the feminist movement and its effects on society and law. It used to be if women wanted to take out loans, the husband had to co-sign, and husbands were given some legal financial responsibility over their wives. Divorces were only granted if there were grounds for it.

Now the power has flipped. Now, either party can sign loans, but anyone can just up and file for a divorce without grounds. There may be a delay and legal hoops, but as far as I know, all states allow no-fault divorce (or call it something different.) Then the courts tend to give the children to the wife. Alimony is not as big of a deal as it was in the past, but some states may still allow it. But the percentage of no-fault divorces filed by women is between 60 and 70%. Many women, if they divorce, are incentivized by having power over the children and a steady stream of funding from their ex-husband who they force the unilateral divorce on, in the form of child support which helps support their lives. Overall, divorce is generally a value-destroying prospect (costs for two houses instead of one--or a guy living out of his car or parents' basement and the woman in the house.)

In past centuries, most people were farmers. History may focus on Kings, Queens, counts, barons, etc. But most people were not rich and lived in households and the household was the center of economic activity. There were professions and trades, but on a farm, husband, wife, and children work together to produce family resources. Then we had the industrial revolution which brought the people to the cities. In the US, in the '50's there were lots of housewives. Then we had the feminist movement, after which more women were able to work and support themselves, with a philosophy telling them they needed to to be fulfilled. This was followed by divorce.

Women being able to earn money apart from their husbands, without husbands having any legal authority over them, combined with the sexual revolution, and no-fault divorce seems to have led to a lot of divorces in society. Many of the churches have adapted their teaching and doctrine to fit with the widespread divorce.

With regards to your last sentence about the Churches adapting this norm, I would also include that many denominations don’t even teach on the sanctity and holiness of marriage. I believe this has also lead to increase of divorces among Christians. Unfortunately marriage is viewed as an expendable commodity by too many.

 

[Lanolin]

There are also sociological reasons in addition to spiritual ones. The divorce rate sky rocketted after the rise of the feminist movement and its effects on society and law. It used to be if women wanted to take out loans, the husband had to co-sign, and husbands were given some legal financial responsibility over their wives. Divorces were only granted if there were grounds for it.

Now the power has flipped. Now, either party can sign loans, but anyone can just up and file for a divorce without grounds. There may be a delay and legal hoops, but as far as I know, all states allow no-fault divorce (or call it something different.) Then the courts tend to give the children to the wife. Alimony is not as big of a deal as it was in the past, but some states may still allow it. But the percentage of no-fault divorces filed by women is between 60 and 70%. Many women, if they divorce, are incentivized by having power over the children and a steady stream of funding from their ex-husband who they force the unilateral divorce on, in the form of child support which helps support their lives. Overall, divorce is generally a value-destroying prospect (costs for two houses instead of one--or a guy living out of his car or parents' basement and the woman in the house.)

In past centuries, most people were farmers. History may focus on Kings, Queens, counts, barons, etc. But most people were not rich and lived in households and the household was the center of economic activity. There were professions and trades, but on a farm, husband, wife, and children work together to produce family resources. Then we had the industrial revolution which brought the people to the cities. In the US, in the '50's there were lots of housewives. Then we had the feminist movement, after which more women were able to work and support themselves, with a philosophy telling them they needed to to be fulfilled. This was followed by divorce.

Women being able to earn money apart from their husbands, without husbands having any legal authority over them, combined with the sexual revolution, and no-fault divorce seems to have led to a lot of divorces in society. Many of the churches have adapted their teaching and doctrine to fit with the widespread divorce.

interesting, well in cities where more people live, are more job opportunites but people need to live in 'apartments' if they want to be close to their work not togetherments.
and apartments are not exactly ideal to raise families in. Too small and cramped and too, much opportuniy to fall out of them.
Only very rich people can afford a house AND an apartment.

 

[Lanolin]

With regards to your last sentence about the Churches adapting this norm, I would also include that many denominations don’t even teach on the sanctity and holiness of marriage. I believe this has also lead to increase of divorces among Christians. Unfortunately marriage is viewed as an expendable commodity by too many.

I think a lot of them agree to any couple getting married even if they arent believers, dont tell them what to expect or how to behave, as long as they pay the marriage license fee. Most people decades ago, would get married in a church and then would never attend again until someone in their family dies for the funeral. They want to the ministers blessing but they dont eant to have to obey or do anything further with the church family that they supposedly married into.

 

[presidente]

interesting, well in cities where more people live, are more job opportunites but people need to live in 'apartments' if they want to be close to their work not togetherments.
and apartments are not exactly ideal to raise families in. Too small and cramped and too, much opportuniy to fall out of them.
Only very rich people can afford a house AND an apartment.

As recently as 150 years ago in the US, our ancestors didn't live in the houses we live in today. My grandmother lived in a large house built in the 1800's which is still standing. Her parent's family home was probably from the mid 1800's and it is still standing. It's rather small, and they added to it. Our pioneer ancestors likely lived in a tiny homes one or two hundred years ago. And before our European ancestors were given or cheaply sold large plots of lands in the Americas, the peasants in the UK lived in little houses made of sticks and such. Some of us have some aristocratic ancestors, too, or merchants who lived in larger homes.

I'd imagine little cabins and little houses made of sticks were probably small. If you have to build it without any equipment before winter, how big will it be? Of course, the UK doesn't have much in the way of winter, or summer for that matter. Rain is the issue there.

 

[Aerials1978]

I think a lot of them agree to any couple getting married even if they arent believers, dont tell them what to expect or how to behave, as long as they pay the marriage license fee. Most people decades ago, would get married in a church and then would never attend again until someone in their family dies for the funeral. They want to the ministers blessing but they dont eant to have to obey or do anything further with the church family that they supposedly married into.

Like many things in this society(as well as the church) things are not revered anymore. The remnant of a disposable culture.