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K
Well he was out of her life for some period of time and then he contacted her.Kinda tells you something.He says she cant live without him but she didnt contact him.Its wishful thinking on his part.He needs to let her go,for both their happiness. And she's in a relationship so it would be honorable for him to step out considering his feelings for her.
Hi Dru...
Thanks for sharing. It is humbling when someone shares their personal life here; I hope we don't take it lightly.
Some of us do actually understand what you are going through, having gone through similar experiences. However, in the same way, our responses may not reflect that adequately.
In your personal profile I see that you are a fairly new Christian. There is much to learn about relationships from a biblical point of view, and two months is not enough... give yourself some time. This gal may be a winner in every sense, and still isn't the source of real transformation; only Jesus is.
We do want you to be wise about your decisions. You requested advice and feedback; you're getting it, but you don't like it. When you don't like the advice you receive, be very careful about disregarding it; it is a flag that you are inflexible (or hard-hearted)!
Perhaps, but if He did, it may be for purposes other than what you think. God has a marvelous way of using situations in our lives to bring us to Him. Our desires and intentions usually get in the way, especially if we anoint them with belief.
Then she is an idol to you. This is not a healthy viewpoint. I would encourage you to find a competent Christian counselor and work through this confusion.
My suggestion? In addition to getting some wise counsel from a professional, give the entire relationship to God, with no strings attached. Take a complete "fast" from this gal for at least a few weeks (let her know, but not why). Ask the Lord to work in you according to His desire, and to free you from anything which hinders His will in your life. Ask Him to teach you and to give you wisdom. Don't spend your "apart" time praying for her or for the relationship. God will do what is best; trust Him in this. Seek to know the Lord above everything else. Make getting to know Him the goal of your time. Avoid romantic books and videos, boycott Valentines day, don't pine over other couples' happiness. Just focus on Jesus. He will sort this out for you.
Thanks for sharing. It is humbling when someone shares their personal life here; I hope we don't take it lightly.
Some of us do actually understand what you are going through, having gone through similar experiences. However, in the same way, our responses may not reflect that adequately.
In your personal profile I see that you are a fairly new Christian. There is much to learn about relationships from a biblical point of view, and two months is not enough... give yourself some time. This gal may be a winner in every sense, and still isn't the source of real transformation; only Jesus is.
We do want you to be wise about your decisions. You requested advice and feedback; you're getting it, but you don't like it. When you don't like the advice you receive, be very careful about disregarding it; it is a flag that you are inflexible (or hard-hearted)!
Perhaps, but if He did, it may be for purposes other than what you think. God has a marvelous way of using situations in our lives to bring us to Him. Our desires and intentions usually get in the way, especially if we anoint them with belief.
Then she is an idol to you. This is not a healthy viewpoint. I would encourage you to find a competent Christian counselor and work through this confusion.
My suggestion? In addition to getting some wise counsel from a professional, give the entire relationship to God, with no strings attached. Take a complete "fast" from this gal for at least a few weeks (let her know, but not why). Ask the Lord to work in you according to His desire, and to free you from anything which hinders His will in your life. Ask Him to teach you and to give you wisdom. Don't spend your "apart" time praying for her or for the relationship. God will do what is best; trust Him in this. Seek to know the Lord above everything else. Make getting to know Him the goal of your time. Avoid romantic books and videos, boycott Valentines day, don't pine over other couples' happiness. Just focus on Jesus. He will sort this out for you.
D
I feel like most of you are making assumptions about my situation without even knowing all the aspects about the situation. It's very frustrating to read all these responses that basically say, "This is so wrong" or "You must walk away now!" when you don't even know the first thing about it. I really feel like I'm being attacked here when all I was looking for was help on how I can manage my feelings while still being the friend I need to be.
One thing I want to clarify is that I only emailed her because I no longer had any romantic feelings for her. I just wanted my dear friend back, nothing more. They developed again only after we had been talking again for a few months. And I am not her only male friend by any means. She has several others. I just happen to be her closest, aside from her boyfriend, who is completely fine with her having so many male friends because he trusts her completely. I honestly don't know how he would feel if he knew how I truly felt, but I'm not going to say anything so it's really a moot point.
And for the record, she did contact me once. Two years after I walked away. And I wasn't ready yet so I walked away again.
One thing I want to clarify is that I only emailed her because I no longer had any romantic feelings for her. I just wanted my dear friend back, nothing more. They developed again only after we had been talking again for a few months. And I am not her only male friend by any means. She has several others. I just happen to be her closest, aside from her boyfriend, who is completely fine with her having so many male friends because he trusts her completely. I honestly don't know how he would feel if he knew how I truly felt, but I'm not going to say anything so it's really a moot point.
And for the record, she did contact me once. Two years after I walked away. And I wasn't ready yet so I walked away again.
K
People are only responding to the details you are giving. You said you dont know how her boyfriend would feel if he knew you were in love with her. How do you honestly think he would feel? Reverse the situation,how would you honestly feel? Everyone is giving the same advice. Doesn't that tell you something? No one is trying to upset you. We're giving you honest feedback. You cant manage your feelings if you are in love with her. If she marries her boyfriend,what then? Its not right for you to be loving her if she is in love with someone else. She is moving on you need to do the same.Im sorry you dont want to hear that.
I just want to stress that I don't think anyone believes that your motives are dishonorable. You obviously care very much for your friend and want what is best for her. I think people (myself included) are just trying to help you prevent further heartache, and concentrate on the healthiest way to move forward.
Whatever you decide to do, I hope you'll hang around and get to know us. We are a fun, sincere, caring bunch and we have a lot to offer in the way of friendship too.
Whatever you decide to do, I hope you'll hang around and get to know us. We are a fun, sincere, caring bunch and we have a lot to offer in the way of friendship too.
drulenarendes,
Thank you for sticking around, despite feeling that we did not understand you. Some of us have been in a similar situation, so our advice has been experiential. Thank you also for clarifying and explaining your relationship with her and for throwing more light on why you think God has brought the two of you together. It is true that I was among the earliest responders to your post and it is true that I told you to walk away from her. But just hear me out this once -
One of my close friends is a childhood friend. We have known each other for almost 20 years now. We grew up in the same neighbourhood, we went to the same school, and even our families have known each other for a long time. Barring a one-month period or so when I had a teeny-weeny crush on her, we haven't had any romantic interests in each other. She is now married. I am good friends with her hubby, we hang out together as part of a circle of friends (I even did a roadtrip with them and another friend), she and I are part of another circle of school friends, she sometimes accompanies me when I drive to/from work (as her office is right across the street from mine) and we frequently meet for coffee/dinner/lunch/movies.
I know that it is absolutely possible to be platonic friends despite the marital status, subject to the spouses being informed of everything. Here are some boundaries that I have placed for myself in order to respect her marriage -
1) I never call her between 10pm and 6am, unless it is an absolute emergency
2) I use our group chats to message her if there is something I want her to know
3) I avoid meeting her alone (barring the time when we drive down to pick up a friend or wait for someone to join)
4) I do not ask her questions about her relationship with her husband
Furthermore, I keep my girlfriend informed of every meetup and sometimes even about the conversations we have.
I understand the value you place on a friend and I respect you for that. I would encourage you to continue the friendship, but with certain riders -
1) You have to get over the non-platonic feelings that you have for her - this includes praying or wishing that she would be yours someday, thinking about her romantically, being her confidant when she has problems in the relationship, etc.
2) You have to make sure that you both are on the same page and that you both share the same attachment towards each other. You could give the relationship a litmus test - take up Cinder's advice and do not contact her for a while - see if she is concerned about it.
3) You have to make sure that you are good friends with her boyfriend
4) You have to limit the amount of time that you spend with her alone (phone calls, hangouts, etc.) out of respect for her relationship status. If this calls for third-wheeling, be prepared to do it but make sure that the couple respects you and does not consider you as a liability.
Would you be able to keep these boundaries? Or do you think the friendship will not survive if these boundaries are in place?
D
First of all, and I know others have said the same thing, I have not, nor will I ever, pray for her to be mine. She is in a happy, healthy relationship and I respect that completely. She will only ever know of my feelings if her relationship were to somehow end. But right now, this is between me and God.
As far as your boundaries, a lot of these don't even pertain to our situation. We live in separate states so we obviously can't meet up. We do spend a lot of time talking on the phone and various messenger programs, but like I said before, her boyfriend (who also lives out of state) trusts her completely and is quite happy actually that she has me to talk to whenever he is not around. Which is often because we are both night owls and he has to turn in early every night because he works early in the morning. I know there are a lot of men who guard their women jealously and not allow her to get close to another man, but not this guy. He loves and accepts every man in her life (especially me) because if he's important to her, he's important to him. He's an amazing man really and I'm thankful that she has him.
All things considered, it's an ideal situation, because I am completely free to be the kind of friend I want to be to her, and the kind of friend she needs me to be to her. I probably couldn't do that if she were with anyone else. The only problem is the unwanted feelings that I never sought after. I have no idea what God wants me to do with them, but I trust that He will reveal it to me in His time. For all I know He could be using these feelings to teach me patience and perseverance, and then bring me someone who's even far better suited for me. God sees a lot more than I do, so I have to trust in Him, no matter the circumstances, no matter how much I suffer. Romans 5:3-4 says it best and I believe God is using this situation to build character and hope in me.
No matter what happens, I owe it to God, and to her, to see where this ultimately leads.
As far as your boundaries, a lot of these don't even pertain to our situation. We live in separate states so we obviously can't meet up. We do spend a lot of time talking on the phone and various messenger programs, but like I said before, her boyfriend (who also lives out of state) trusts her completely and is quite happy actually that she has me to talk to whenever he is not around. Which is often because we are both night owls and he has to turn in early every night because he works early in the morning. I know there are a lot of men who guard their women jealously and not allow her to get close to another man, but not this guy. He loves and accepts every man in her life (especially me) because if he's important to her, he's important to him. He's an amazing man really and I'm thankful that she has him.
All things considered, it's an ideal situation, because I am completely free to be the kind of friend I want to be to her, and the kind of friend she needs me to be to her. I probably couldn't do that if she were with anyone else. The only problem is the unwanted feelings that I never sought after. I have no idea what God wants me to do with them, but I trust that He will reveal it to me in His time. For all I know He could be using these feelings to teach me patience and perseverance, and then bring me someone who's even far better suited for me. God sees a lot more than I do, so I have to trust in Him, no matter the circumstances, no matter how much I suffer. Romans 5:3-4 says it best and I believe God is using this situation to build character and hope in me.
No matter what happens, I owe it to God, and to her, to see where this ultimately leads.
U
No. We understand. You just don't want to hear what we have to say. Big difference. You are setting yourself up for trouble. Everyone here knows it. It's time to man up and stop making excuses and telling people we don't understand when YOU are the clueless one here. She is not for you. She has a man, AND YOU ARE NOT HIM.
So your choice is A) stay there, watch her with another man and sit and suffer and waste your life away. And potentially risk ruining your friendship and her relationship as you become more tempted to say something you shouldn't. B) do the right thing, walk away and stop making excuses. God did not bring the two of you together again. It's that simple.
So your choice is A) stay there, watch her with another man and sit and suffer and waste your life away. And potentially risk ruining your friendship and her relationship as you become more tempted to say something you shouldn't. B) do the right thing, walk away and stop making excuses. God did not bring the two of you together again. It's that simple.
D
Okay well that is just plain rude. I really don't appreciate being called clueless. And I certainly don't consider any moment I spend with my best friend wasting my life away. If anything, the last 8 years of my life was a waste because she wasn't a part of it.
I think I'm done with this thread. If I'm going to get attacked like this then I want no part of it. I came here to get help, not to get blasted by complete strangers who obviously don't understand why this woman is so important to me and why I can't leave her again.
I think I'm done with this thread. If I'm going to get attacked like this then I want no part of it. I came here to get help, not to get blasted by complete strangers who obviously don't understand why this woman is so important to me and why I can't leave her again.
S
Brother I have prayed for ya!
Please know...
All these good people here have given you the best advice from their hearts.
They are Christians....they care.
But I must apologize that most suggest you pray and move on.
Forgive me if you disagree
Did you want these good people to tell you to camp out on her lawn?
I mean......?
God bless you anyhow brother
Take good care
Please know...
All these good people here have given you the best advice from their hearts.
They are Christians....they care.
But I must apologize that most suggest you pray and move on.
Forgive me if you disagree
Did you want these good people to tell you to camp out on her lawn?
I mean......?
God bless you anyhow brother
Take good care
Its your life. Its your choice. Just do what you want. Just know that nobody is attacking you. Everyone wants to tell you the truth but you obviousy dont want to deal with reality so its up to you. Someday when you will wake up on your dream I hope you will find time to thank everyone who tried to help you here even if they disagree with you.
If you reverse the situation--if you had a girlfriend who had a best guy friend who was totally in love with her and felt the same way about her as you do about this girl... Would you be ok with that?
Because when you feel this strongly about her, unless the boyfriend truly doesn't pay attention, he's going to know. What I'm saying is, I think you have to consider what's fair to him, too.
Because when you feel this strongly about her, unless the boyfriend truly doesn't pay attention, he's going to know. What I'm saying is, I think you have to consider what's fair to him, too.
She knows about your feelings, correct? If not now, she will in time.
And that means you're just clinging on to her pining away and keeping this "secret" love supposedly under the table...
*sigh* And you honestly don't see any red flags here? I'm not saying this to be harsh at all. I honestly wish the best for you.
But you're hanging on to her because you want her for yourself (the concern of having her in your life for your own sake), and that never ends well. Surely you realize that almost all of us are answering the way we are because we've all been through and it ended badly for ALL of us.
I do understand--everyone thinks they'll be the exception. And I'm not saying you have bad motives. You think clinging on is loving her. But this is already a love triangle--two men in love with the same woman, and that's a recipe for disaster from the start.
All I can say is, please keep us informed. We'd love to see you with a woman who loves you, and just the two of you... no other complications... But most of us know how you feel, and... where it's most likely headed. I do hope you won't get hurt, and that the torture you're going through won't drag on for too long.
If any of us could tell you our own situations worked out happily, I'm sure we would, but it appears that no one who's been through it can say that.
And that means you're just clinging on to her pining away and keeping this "secret" love supposedly under the table...
*sigh* And you honestly don't see any red flags here? I'm not saying this to be harsh at all. I honestly wish the best for you.
But you're hanging on to her because you want her for yourself (the concern of having her in your life for your own sake), and that never ends well. Surely you realize that almost all of us are answering the way we are because we've all been through and it ended badly for ALL of us.
I do understand--everyone thinks they'll be the exception. And I'm not saying you have bad motives. You think clinging on is loving her. But this is already a love triangle--two men in love with the same woman, and that's a recipe for disaster from the start.
All I can say is, please keep us informed. We'd love to see you with a woman who loves you, and just the two of you... no other complications... But most of us know how you feel, and... where it's most likely headed.
I do hope you won't get hurt, and that the torture you're going through won't drag on for too long.If any of us could tell you our own situations worked out happily, I'm sure we would, but it appears that no one who's been through it can say that.
D
She knows about your feelings, correct? If not now, she will in time.
And that means you're just clinging on to her pining away and keeping this "secret" love supposedly under the table...
*sigh* And you honestly don't see any red flags here? I'm not saying this to be harsh at all. I honestly wish the best for you.
But you're hanging on to her because you want her for yourself (the concern of having her in your life for your own sake), and that never ends well. Surely you realize that almost all of us are answering the way we are because we've all been through and it ended badly for ALL of us.
I do understand--everyone thinks they'll be the exception. And I'm not saying you have bad motives. You think clinging on is loving her. But this is already a love triangle--two men in love with the same woman, and that's a recipe for disaster from the start.
All I can say is, please keep us informed. We'd love to see you with a woman who loves you, and just the two of you... no other complications... But most of us know how you feel, and... where it's most likely headed. I do hope you won't get hurt, and that the torture you're going through won't drag on for too long.
If any of us could tell you our own situations worked out happily, I'm sure we would, but it appears that no one who's been through it can say that.
And that means you're just clinging on to her pining away and keeping this "secret" love supposedly under the table...
*sigh* And you honestly don't see any red flags here? I'm not saying this to be harsh at all. I honestly wish the best for you.
But you're hanging on to her because you want her for yourself (the concern of having her in your life for your own sake), and that never ends well. Surely you realize that almost all of us are answering the way we are because we've all been through and it ended badly for ALL of us.
I do understand--everyone thinks they'll be the exception. And I'm not saying you have bad motives. You think clinging on is loving her. But this is already a love triangle--two men in love with the same woman, and that's a recipe for disaster from the start.
All I can say is, please keep us informed. We'd love to see you with a woman who loves you, and just the two of you... no other complications... But most of us know how you feel, and... where it's most likely headed.
I do hope you won't get hurt, and that the torture you're going through won't drag on for too long.If any of us could tell you our own situations worked out happily, I'm sure we would, but it appears that no one who's been through it can say that.
There's another reason too that I don't want to walk away again. I spent my whole life walking away from people and situations I just couldn't handle. I would then retreat into a shell hiding myself from everything that and everyone that hurt me. And now for once, I walked BACK. It's a very huge thing for me, so I am very reluctant to reverse that and go right back into my shell. Having her back in my life has been a life changing experience for me in so many ways. I can't simply ignore that, and the impact she has had on my life.
I wish you the best.
Please keep us updated on how it goes.
I guarantee that every one of us who have been through this thought exactly the way are right now. And we didn't listen to anyone around us either--experience, and being completely heartbroken, was the only thing that got through.
If your story turns out to be an exception, kudos to you and I would love to hear it, because I've never heard an exception yet, but I'm always open to hearing one.
Please keep us updated on how it goes.
I guarantee that every one of us who have been through this thought exactly the way are right now. And we didn't listen to anyone around us either--experience, and being completely heartbroken, was the only thing that got through.
If your story turns out to be an exception, kudos to you and I would love to hear it, because I've never heard an exception yet, but I'm always open to hearing one.
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