^^I think it is important for you to understand that. I really think the issue is you being hurt about someone you were attracted to, as a result of this, you may seem lead to disregard a "love life" entirely. Dude, let me be honest and real with you. A a typical "nice guy" we are going to deal with rejection. Its just that simple and plain. I dont know if you have an older brother or not..or some older guy that can sit down and talk to you. You cant be afraid of rejection..You have an attraction to girls..its relevant..dont deny those feelings..its nothing wrong with it. Every man is going to experience rejection when courting females ..thats just the way it is. Even attractive males, do not get every female he is tries to talk to. But you have to keep trying. For instance..the first time I saw my wife..I thought she was completely out of my league..HOWEVER.. as I watched her from a distance..I made up in my mind "I will not leave this place without talking to this person..and letting her know that I would like to get to know her" LOL... I took a leap of faith to speak with her. TO MY SURPRISE ..she was receptive to me speaking to her. We became friends first..etc..etc. To make a long story short...IT WAS THE BEST DECISION I MADE IN MY LIFE..I want to point out that I did not have a long time frame to react..I just did it. I think you need to keep giving love a try..Im one of those "nice guys" too and it happen for me.
Can I even be considered a "nice guy"? I don't even know. I think my nice guy act was just more of being a timid, passive, weak man. I must decrease, and He must increase. Eddie1801, I think you are so right. I think my teenage years really caused me to put up a wall and run away from rejection. I wonder if I used pornography as a way to cope with and escape from a lack of a social life. I really wasn't a social person, and I struggled with fitting in. I hated dealing with people in high school, and I became an outcast in high school. Part of that is just introversion, but a lot of that dealt with
fear of man. Now, I am being called to live a fearless life. Now ironically, I am being called by God to evangelize to people who may
hate God and will hate me if they hate Him. That sounds lovely. I hate to say it, but that's why I haven't been as proactive in evangelism because of it. I really have evangelism laid on my heart (teaching too), but I have always been afraid to do that because I don't want to be rejected like before. I hate to say it, but it's that "fear" that leads me to be apprehensive about being in love too.
When I was 13, my parents' marriage took a turn for the complete worse, where one day the Cops were called out. My father had beaten my mother that day, and my father was arrested for spousal battery. My mom didn't press charges against my dad, but things didn't get better later. My father and mom would argue all the time, and all I wanted to do was run away from it all. I sometimes went to sleep early just so I wouldn't have to see it. I retreated into my room and started spending more and more time doing things like video games & pornography, escaping into a virtual fantasy world. I didn't want to be where I was. I felt stuck, and I didn't like being me. I would have loved to have been someone other than me for the longest time. A stretch of time had me wishing I were dead. I utterly felt hopeless and lived a miserly existence. There really wasn't anyone to run to for me. I only had myself in my corner, and I felt boxed in. Now I feel that I am more social behind closed doors on ChristianChat than in real life in front of real people.
I was a loner in high school, and I am an introvert. But was my loner ways and isolated lifestyle more of a pension for fear? Was I only using introversion as an excuse for being afraid of people? I think so unfortunately. Even when I was in my state looking at pornography, what I really wanted to find is love. What's weirder is that I thought I found true love with a girl on screen. I thought they did love me. Now I know it's all fake. I had been living on fake love this whole time. I know that is not what I truly want. I truly want a real relationship with a real individual person. I want to finally do all the things that people in love do and finally have real intimacy shared.
However, I must say that I am afraid to let people get that far. I tend to back away from everyone in life. I just lack trust of people with things. Plus, I don't like being a burden on others. I don't like having everyone else taking care of me. So even though I'm in a recovery program, I still struggle with it. There is still a lot of self-will & striving going on inside of me. If it were possible, I would just like to have this solved in a way where no one else would have to find out. So what I do is tend to hide everything inside this little chamber called my heart. But everything eventually comes out in a disgusting way, and everything eventually leads to destruction being like this.
I could say that I need a relationship but I think that all I could really use is some courage, confidence, and gratefulness. After all God has done for salvation, I really should never ask for anything more than his will. But sadly, I have. I have been asking for more. I have been asking for a marriage that I know in my heart should never happen. I know I'm unfit in my mind, but my heart has still the desire. I hate that I have the desire, but hating the desire doesn't make it go away. Every day, I am reminded that I'm a 23 year-old guy who has never been kissed, been on a date, or even had a girlfriend. I went through high school and college without one date. For 23 years, I have been the dateless guy while everyone else has been dating people. I feel like everyone else has found someone, yet I haven't been even able to get out of my way. There have been many days where I felt like a loser before because I haven't done anything like that. I hate to say it, but I still hold a grudge because I haven't been able to get a girlfriend. There is still in a sense a bitter root inside of me because I wanted something I have never had while everyone else basically has.
Then I feel like a dork because I feel like I'm so needy and whiny. I hate the polar opposites I have been going through now. I really don't like to have to feel this way. I just want to go to the side where I am only content in God's will and nothing more. I want to finally get my joy in serving God, and not in being with some woman. It's just sucks because I don't know how to surrender this desire. It's been me forever. It's a bitter pill to swallow, and I have been doing it grudgingly. If I know a relationship is the last thing I need in my life, why do I still want it so bad?