Unmarried and not happy about it

Single-christian-mom · Jun 25, 2014

I am 27 years old, never been married, but it has been my dream since I was a little girl. The closer I get to turning 30, the more depressing it gets that I am still unmarried and single. It's hard to go to family gatherings and being the only single adult in my family or always being the bridesmaid and never the bride. I am a hairstylist so I have even had to endure doing bride hair. I am to the point that I am bitter bc it's hard to be happy for others who are married when that is the thing I want the most. I feel like a child bc I am unmarried. I want to feel like a woman! I have prayed and prayed for many years that God sends me a husband. I stay so bitter and sad. Any advice or can anyone relate?

tourist · Jun 25, 2014

Single-christian-mom said:

God will certainly hear and answer your prayer. You never know when you are going to bump into your future husband. I prayed on my knees for 3 years while the Lord searched and found my beautiful wife. She is gone now but the memory remains and I love God for allowing me the privilege of being her faithful and loving husband. You must remain vigilant and be prepared to take action when your day arrives, sooner rather than later. Your future husband will not land on your lap but you may land on his so be ready.

Ugly · Jun 25, 2014

Perhaps the reason you're still single is because you are finding your identity in marriage. Finding womanhood in marriage. And because you are seeking yourself in the wrong places, you allow it as an idol in your life to drive a wedge between you and God. Yet you expect that God will grant you your prayers, when your not even finding your identity and rest in Him. Marriage doesn't make you a woman. Doesn't make you complete. You are supposed to be a happy, complete woman before marriage. You, in reality, are not ready for marriage.
I've got 11 years on you, by the way, and have never been married myself. So i get the frustration, but we have to not make the mistake of putting emphasis on marriage. God did not create us to be married, but first to be in relationship with Him. Marriage is not what we are to expect or demand but is a gift we Might get. We are not entitled to be married. Or required. Paul himself discouraged marriage.

zeroturbulence · Jun 25, 2014

27 is still young. Many people don't get married til their mid-thirties or forties. I know someone who got married in their late 30's and had their first child at that age too. In the meantime, keep praying and keep an eye out for mr. right.

musicguy85 · Jun 25, 2014

My advice is to make sure your priorities are in the right order and that you don't find your identity in marriage, as has already been mentioned. Yes it's difficult and as we get older I think a lot of us find ourselves dealing with some of those desires ,and at times bitterness, but it's important to remember that God's plan is a big one and much more important than our own. Sometimes all we really need is to learn a little more patience or there may be other lessons to learn yet.

MissCris · Jun 25, 2014

Single-christian-mom said:

I am 28 years old and my marriage just ended. Let me share a few things with you...

I remember thinking marriage was the be all, end all of my life. That it was what I was supposed to do. That without a husband, without a man, I was incomplete somehow, no good on my own. And I so wanted the fairy tale ending, the gorgeous wedding, to be the bride, queen for a day...

I was married twice. Once for less than a year, and we were married in a courthouse in jeans and t-shirts, and once for almost 9 years (going through the divorce now) and the wedding was a rushed thing that I had little say over and the marriage itself was...just bad.

I wanted to be married more than I wanted to have a marriage, if that makes sense.

I never felt "whole" with either of my husbands. I never felt like "NOW I'm truly a grown woman!" Even after having two kids, I never had some major feeling of finally crossing that bridge from childhood to womanhood.

Marriage, sex, babies...none of that makes you an adult, none of that defines who you are. And I think that you are keeping yourself trapped in this feeling of not really being a woman, by dwelling on marriage as the thing that will fix you, that will make you happy.

It won't. That's God's job- let Him do it.

I hope and pray that you change your thinking on this, because with the way you're looking at things, I worry that you'll jump at the first opportunity to get married. That's what I did. I rushed things out of desperation and thinking I would suddenly become this strong, independent, whole woman if only I had a husband...

I paid dearly for it.

You've got to-GOT TO- find who you are in Christ before you will ever fill that void you're wanting to fill. He's the only one who can.

jer2911 · Jun 26, 2014

I am 27 years old, never been married, but it has been my dream since I was a little girl. - I am 44 years old, never ben married, but it has been my dream since I was a little girl that I thought it was my dream but it is my family's dream, my society's expectation for me to be married. Are you sure it's your dream or just a mere influence, peer pressure? Because if it's your dream, you will wait for it patiently and have faith that God put it in your heart. Hebrews 11, Faith is... certain of what we do not see. Married is just a status, but marriage is a relationship. You are just after the status and not relationship with GOd's planned husband for you.

The closer I get to turning 30, the more depressing it gets that I am still unmarried and single. - Depressing mode is not something of a magic that has just planted in your mind and heart. Let me speak that truth in love. Please don't get me wrong, it is your choice to be depressed about it. A normal feeling to be depressed but to dwell in it and make it grow in you - that's not fit for a christian. Do not worry or be anxious - He cares for you.

It's hard to go to family gatherings and being the only single adult in my family or always being the bridesmaid and never the bride. I am a hairstylist so I have even had to endure doing bride hair. I am to the point that I am bitter bc it's hard to be happy for others who are married when that is the thing I want the most. I feel like a child bc I am unmarried. I want to feel like a woman! I have prayed and prayed for many years that God sends me a husband. I stay so bitter and sad. Any advice or can anyone relate - I'm not answering this because I can relate, or i can give you advice because i have been there in that situation, I'm answering this because I'd like you to see how God is working in your life. He never abandoned you whenever you face those situations... because You are not alone. We are here. We are in the same boat. The only difference is are you paddling desperately or trustfully in God? It's your choice how to respond gracefully whenever you face societies expectations or your own expectation. My response to that? First, i lift them all up to God, the hurts that their comments brought to me and be real with God. He knew me before was born. Cried all the emotions, the feeling of deprivations to God alone. Being open about bitterness is good, confess your bitterness to God - but see to it that there's no bitter root... as the scriptures indicated that you have to stop it growing in you or you will miss God's great plan for you (Jer. 29:11)

You want to feel like a woman? - I'm just concerned. Are there only feelings like bitter, sad, depressed, your drowning to your emotions. Emotions will pass - they are temporary, you have to submit them all to the Spirit's leading because what the flesh desires is contradicting to what the Spirit's desires.

I have prayed and prayed for many years that God sends me a husband. Did God really say he will send us a husband? Did he promise us specifically of a husband? What I've learned from his words is he promised us that he will be with us, he will never leave nor forsake us, he will be our husband. If there is - Delight yourself in the LOrd, and he will give you the desires of your heart. THis scripture is always the single fave verse - is desire just referring to a husband? OUr very first desire should be - to love God with all of our hearts, soul and mind, and love our neighbors... If there's a plan for a partner in life... that's a gift and not a plan and not even a promise. A gift that should be received without expectation or entitlement.

I hope I have helped you here. I will continue to pray for one another. Stay faithful and GBU.

cinder · Jun 26, 2014

From Rodger and Hammerstein's Cinderella:

Prince: It would not be so bad if I saw them as fair young maidens.
King: How else do you see them?
Prince: As contenders for a prize and I am the prize.

In other words I agree with what the other's have said. Marriage isn't a prize to win, but a decision to give of yourself to someone else for the rest of your life. You sound like you desire to be married as some sort of rite of passage much more than you want to put time and effort into building a deep relationship with someone and giving of yourself to them. I dare say most guys aren't attracted to being a completed item on your checklist or a line on your resume. And as some have already said, there's life after being 30 and never married, it has its challenges but so would any other life.

FireWire · Jun 26, 2014

Well I've never been married and not unhappy about it. There's far more to life than being married with kids. Whilst this is commendable what did Paul say? It's far better to be unmarried if at all possible. He wasn't raining on the marriage parade or suggesting people become monks and nuns and so forth.

Jesus said seek ye first the kingdom of God and all these things shall be added onto to you. In other words seeking God should be the first priority then the rest follows and naturally falls into place. Even when you are married you should still be seeking after God wherever possible. and let's face it, we sure need God to help us in our marriages because there are two fallen people in a close relationship day after day.

coachcj · Jun 26, 2014

I read through all the replies and as a Christian Life coach thought I should add a little advice. I agree with some of the responses, and I am going to rank them in the order of importance:

1. Finding your identity in Christ. Absolute truth. No one completes you but Christ, and when He does, you will realize that marriage is an addition. The expectation that someone comes in to complete you is very wrong. You might get disappointed if you get married with this feeling of emptiness.
2. Pressure is a dangerous zone. Your posting indicates you are already under the pressure level, and for you to meet the right person, you will have to work your way out of that place. Remember, it is our faith that moves God, not our fear.
THEN I WILL ADD THE FOLLOWING:
1. You have every right to desire to be married, and marriage just like having money is a good blessing. It is only our approach and use of it that makes it good or bad. Do not accept to remain unmarried "if you have the desire to"
2. In my personal experience and in working with Christian singles, there are two key questions you must answer to help you work through this period of life as well as helping in building a long lasting relationship:
1. Who really am I? - takes care of spiritual identity, sense of worth, personality, experience,..etc
2. What are my present and future interests.

There is a video on youtube that might help you further titled: "6 reasons you are still single and how to find your best-fit"

tourist · Jun 26, 2014

jer2911 said:

I am 27 years old, never been married, but it has been my dream since I was a little girl. - I am 44 years old, never ben married, but it has been my dream since I was a little girl that I thought it was my dream but it is my family's dream, my society's expectation for me to be married. Are you sure it's your dream or just a mere influence, peer pressure? Because if it's your dream, you will wait for it patiently and have faith that God put it in your heart. Hebrews 11, Faith is... certain of what we do not see. Married is just a status, but marriage is a relationship. You are just after the status and not relationship with GOd's planned husband for you.

The closer I get to turning 30, the more depressing it gets that I am still unmarried and single. - Depressing mode is not something of a magic that has just planted in your mind and heart. Let me speak that truth in love. Please don't get me wrong, it is your choice to be depressed about it. A normal feeling to be depressed but to dwell in it and make it grow in you - that's not fit for a christian. Do not worry or be anxious - He cares for you.

It's hard to go to family gatherings and being the only single adult in my family or always being the bridesmaid and never the bride. I am a hairstylist so I have even had to endure doing bride hair. I am to the point that I am bitter bc it's hard to be happy for others who are married when that is the thing I want the most. I feel like a child bc I am unmarried. I want to feel like a woman! I have prayed and prayed for many years that God sends me a husband. I stay so bitter and sad. Any advice or can anyone relate - I'm not answering this because I can relate, or i can give you advice because i have been there in that situation, I'm answering this because I'd like you to see how God is working in your life. He never abandoned you whenever you face those situations... because You are not alone. We are here. We are in the same boat. The only difference is are you paddling desperately or trustfully in God? It's your choice how to respond gracefully whenever you face societies expectations or your own expectation. My response to that? First, i lift them all up to God, the hurts that their comments brought to me and be real with God. He knew me before was born. Cried all the emotions, the feeling of deprivations to God alone. Being open about bitterness is good, confess your bitterness to God - but see to it that there's no bitter root... as the scriptures indicated that you have to stop it growing in you or you will miss God's great plan for you (Jer. 29:11)

You want to feel like a woman? - I'm just concerned. Are there only feelings like bitter, sad, depressed, your drowning to your emotions. Emotions will pass - they are temporary, you have to submit them all to the Spirit's leading because what the flesh desires is contradicting to what the Spirit's desires.

I have prayed and prayed for many years that God sends me a husband. Did God really say he will send us a husband? Did he promise us specifically of a husband? What I've learned from his words is he promised us that he will be with us, he will never leave nor forsake us, he will be our husband. If there is - Delight yourself in the LOrd, and he will give you the desires of your heart. THis scripture is always the single fave verse - is desire just referring to a husband? OUr very first desire should be - to love God with all of our hearts, soul and mind, and love our neighbors... If there's a plan for a partner in life... that's a gift and not a plan and not even a promise. A gift that should be received without expectation or entitlement.

I hope I have helped you here. I will continue to pray for one another. Stay faithful and GBU.

What a beautiful letter you have written! I believe that it is important to remain faithful in prayer. God is love and that is what dreams are made out of. I am most impressed with this letter that was wrote from the words spoken from God's heart.

tourist · Jun 26, 2014

FireWire said:

And two people in a happily married relationship as well day after day.

I am agreement with you that we should seek first the kingdom of God and that all good things will be added onto you. The thing is we are all only given a set period of time and I feel that it is quite natural the anxiety that results watching the sands empty out of the hour glass. This anxiety must be given over to God. For myself, I am not going to sweat the small stuff for I know that God is working on the big picture items. There are a certain few who are not content to live an entire life alone and to never experience the joy of having a loving marriage that is centered on the love of God.

I am not going to be presumptuous in what I believe the opinion of God is on marriage but can only know what is stated in the Word of God. He said that it is not good to be alone so He created a woman out of the man. They were naked in the garden and knew no shame. It is true that the wheels fell off the bus and that now they were just another married couple struggling with life. But they were not alone because they had the love of each other that came from God and God was with them always in the best of times and the worse of times.

My first marriage was horrible because it was not centered on God's love. My second marriage was beautiful because it was. I remain pro-marriage and for the lonely people of the world I would encourage them to pray for God to send to them a faithful loving spouse to share their life with. This is a life worth living. I know this from experience and it is my humble opinion that this is something that is worth preparing for and praying to God for. God is love. I believe in happiness. I believe in God.

iTOREtheSKY · Jun 26, 2014

I have to admit,my tolerance for these type of threads grows less & less the older I get. I was just joking with a brother of mine from CC the other day about how so many people here on this forum who are under 30 drone on & on about not being married yet or still single and they've barely left home & ventured off into the world or have a full time job,or done anything all that Lifey. (yeah,I know..lifey isn't a word)

I was married at 30 to a woman I dated for 2 years. I didn't wait for God. I gave up on the hopes of finding a nicer Christian woman that I could connect with or that would love me for me in all my strangeness. I had unsaved women always interested in me & accepting of who I was w/out all the extra added pressure of trying to be Mr. super Bible scholar & earn 100K a year,all the while cranking out a small brood of kids to carry on my legacy. I chose poorly & married an unbeliever...an Atheist to be precise. 9 yrs later we divorced. (she actually left me)

I get the whole wanting to find someone to love you & be all unicorns & rainbows with a side order of narwhals,but marriage isn't the be all end all of life. It certainly isn't a solution to ones loneliness or a fulfillment of happiness in life either.
If nothing else,getting married before you are truly complete & secure in & of yourself 100% can be the most destructive,painful things you will ever encounter. No one can complete who you are,or make you so happy that nothing in life can touch you.

I would say the OP of this thread needs to find peace & joy...contentment & resign in singleness before she is ready to ever enter into marriage. You need to lay that desire/dream of being a wife-married at the feet of Jesus. He won't take it from you. Anything we exalt above Him is or becomes an idol. He wants nothing more than to give us the desires of our hearts,but we also need to realize that it may not be His perfect timing for such things and we may not be able to be trusted with such things until we've submitted fully to Him in that area.

Just food for thought.

I hope He brings you all those things you desire & more than you ever expected as you trust in Him.

gypsygirl · Jun 26, 2014

welcome to CC!

i'm sorry you're going through such a tough time. i really do "get" much of what you said about being on the "outside" of things that you desire for yourself.

for a short period of time, i fell into the trap of, "my life doesn't really start until..." and set up some silly things as mile markers that were totally of my own construct. they were hindrances to my life, and especially to my attitude. nothing changes that we want what we want, regardless of whether it's good for us.

have courage dear sister. this journey of life is so much more than simply accomplishing our narrow desires and purposes. and i am so grateful for that. trust that sometimes what we don't receive is God sparring us from needless pain and drama.

psalm 31: 23, 24
23Love the LORD, all you his saints!
The LORD preserves the faithful
but abundantly repays the one who acts in pride.
24Be strong, and let your heart take courage,
all you who wait for the LORD!

God has spared me thinks i needed and desired, and that is comforting to me, but only because i'm on this side of the issue. perhaps it's time for you to look at how you can delight yourself in the Lord and trust that He may have you were He wants you?

i never do this, but because i only wrote something yesterday that is identical to what i would probably say here, i am going to re-post something i shared yesterday because it seems especially relevant to you.

re-posted from here

*********************

hey.... i don't know what your age is, but to the OP, i feel somehow duty bound to encourage you to never use the words "my love story" and "disney" in the same sentence. not to discourage you, but to remind you those stories exist to elicit powerful emotions, not represent what life actually looks like.

the only time in my life i've gotten completely sideways about such things is when i start comparing my expectations and dreams for myself to anyone else, especially fictional tales. that's not to say it's not cute and fun to revel in those moments. to thoroughly enjoy that romantic moment at the end of the movie, or appreciate something sentimental because it touches you.

don't put so much pressure on yourself to figure it all out. don't allow other's life plans make you feel inadequate.

why do i feel free to speak such things? well, by most people, i've had a rather untraditional life. i'm over forty, single and have no children. oh, and i have no regrets either. God has allowed me to enjoy some incredible adventures and opportunities, but they've all been because i was willing to surrender what all my friends told me i needed to experience to somehow feel whole, adequate and fulfilled.

so. not. true.

i have precious few regrets. and my journey is far from over, God willing. there is no timetable, there is no checklist.

trust that God knows you, and knows what you need, and HIS timing is always perfect. trust that each experience you have is preparing you in some way for the next one. and find contentment in the opportunities you have as a single woman. i never get tired of hearing my married friends tell me how much they envy my life, my experiences and freedom. the truth is, i also envy somewhat theirs, too.

but i also know that i'm right where God wants me, and that is very comforting.

Jesus knew what it was like to live as a single man, He knew what it was like to be lonely, to be misunderstood. He knows what it was like to not feel part of something. and i trust that He knows me, and loves me enough to give me what i need more than what i might desire for myself. and i'm ok with that. at least most of the time. : )

trust me, there's a lot of fun, adventure, and life to enjoy as a single woman. if you are willing to see it that way.

sassylady · Jun 26, 2014

Your identity needs to be in Christ, not a husband. A spouse is never going to fulfill what you need and want no matter how great they are. You need your relationship with Christ whether you are single or married. He is the only one who will never fail you because believe me a husband is going to fail you at times, not intentionally but because he is human. And you will fail your husband occasionally for the same reason. You can be the woman God wants you to be even if you never meet the right man for you.

I am divorced with three children and was married almost 26 years. I had an extremely difficult time adjusting to not having that special person in my life, but I have found a relationship with the Lord I may not have had if I was not alone. I've watched other women find the right man and get married and have a better life and it has been very disheartening, but I have had to learn to be content in the Lord and with what I have. There are many advantages to being but as well as being single.

BrokenHearted1025 · Jun 26, 2014

zeroturbulence said:

I agree with you zeroturbulence, however, people in their 20s these days are getting married, even people as young as 18 are getting married.

sunburn · Jun 26, 2014

Hi...I sympatise with you...
My guess is you know why you are still single. Mainly the perfect opportunity has not arrived yet.
Dating in the church is conflicted with the growing trend in society....feminism, male insecurities, absence of commitment, players in the church, working women who know nothing about being wives, grown up women who have never matured...the list goes on...
You need to really control your sadness over this and assess your chances. Sometimes a real talk with God will let you know that you are probably not ready and need to work seriously on yourself...

I understand now that a man should need me in order for me to be a good helper. If he doesn't, he won't appreciate me. If I am desperate, he will abuse of me and everything I think I can offer.

I was fed up like you...I got married out of desperation because he was the first guy who proposed. I was ready to love and offer everything I had. I didn't take the time to assess whether he needed me, or loved me.
I pass on the details, now I am divorced and understand why the Lord was telling me to wait to build my self esteem first and know who I was.
I wrote a book about my little experience : https://www.createspace.com/4672808

Marriage is more than having children, having a ring, escaping the single circle...Marriage is a ministry and you don't go into it because you want rest...
Rest now...work on yourself...get wisdom. Because when you get married and you will, you'll need all the patience you have learned now.

I wish you peace and wisdom.

cinder · Jun 26, 2014

coachcj said:

I see you promoting your own youtube videos. You can link those right into the forum, you know. But please in the future be honest about the fact that you are promoting your own stuff. It just feels a little like you're trying to trick people if you say I found this really good video, and then people find out it is actually your own video you are promoting. Oh, and welcome to CC.

jer2911 · Jun 26, 2014

Thanks tourist. All for God's glory. If I'm not happy being single, I will not be happy being married. Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart, and wait for the Lord. If God did not spare his own only son for me, how much more of a husband and children? If I'll be glorifying God by having a partner in life, why be deprived? He knew what's best for me. There is a time for everything. He makes everything beautiful in His time. I made lots of mistakes in the past and I've learned so much from his words. He's never late or early. He's always on time. All things are good, even desires but if it consumes and lost my focus to Him, I will suffer the consequence and missing his grace.

I believe God sets already the time, place and the Man of God for me. Satan is just minimizing the consequence of not trusting God and maximizing the possibility of getting older without being loved by a man.

We all have different levels of faith, struggles in life. I do understand the dilemma of single women are facing but I don't understand why they cannot see how God is working on for their best and not be able to move on. They were stuck and trapped like Eve. Satan minimized Eve's focus that she just saw the forbidden fruit, she didn't see anymore her surroundings. Satan maximized the possibility of being like God knowing good and evil just like maximizing the possibility of having a husband. Knowing good or evil is good just like having a husband... but God has a better timing and plans for all things.

I've read the replies here and what they wrote already a big help. They are all full of wisdom and Spirit.

I'll be more prayerful now and then. God bless you all.

Ugly · Jun 27, 2014

BrokenHearted1025 said:

This isn't exactly anything new. People have been getting married at those ages for a long time. And in some cultures even younger. Doesn't change that you are still pretty young, nor does it change any of the other responses given to you about finding your own identity and peace. And simply because people are getting married, as some have pointed out, doesn't mean lifelong happiness with a partner, but can end up miserable and/or divorced.

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