Struggle with finding the right (anyone actually) one.

[GodIsSalvation]

Well, there is being dishonest (which is bad) and tempering yourself (which is good).

I'll give you an example. I dated a very good Christian man several years ago. We only went out a few times. The reason being that he was really really ready for a relationship, while I just wanted to take my time getting to know him. I was unsure about relationships in general, and wanted to be very careful. He was talking about how much he liked me, how perfect it might be, and even possibilities of marriage - on the very first date. (We had been corresponding before the date, so it wasn't totally out of the blue, but still way too soon.)

He was MUCH more invested than I was, and that scared me half to death. I felt like I didn't have any time to get to know him or even decide if a relationship would work out, because suddenly I was faced with whether or not we should marry! I instantly backed up and friendzoned him, because I feared getting in too deep too soon, and either feeling pressured into a deeper, more committed relationship than I was ready for, or hurting him terribly when I called it off because he already seemed so emotionally invested in this thing.

SO. Would it have been dishonest of him to simply NOT talk about those things? Absolutely not. He could think them, and even play them out in his mind, without bringing them to my attention and freaking me out. That's not dishonesty. It's establishing proper boundaries.

I think a lot of times when women think men are "creepers", it's simply because men jump the gun a bit on expressing interest or pursuing. Men often invest more quickly than women most of the time. It takes women a lot more time to make up their mind about a relationship. It's important for men to read the signals a woman is giving out, and try to match them or be a little ahead perhaps (as the pursuer) but not so much that it causes the woman to retreat. It's not a game we're playing, but how we respond to one another IS important, and there are "rules of engagement" that can help.

Idk that guy sounds like a nice guy to me. I mean you yourself say you talked to him for a while before your date. I can see how he'd be going into the date with marriage in mind if he actually liked you.

I guess the key is finding a true Christian woman since a true Christian woman will cling to a Christian man like the Bible says. I guess a prevalent problem for Christian single guys is falling for flingy women, usually out of physical attraction or I guess misguided pity thinking they'll change or they'll love you. A flingy woman is like a hurricane, she can't stay put, she can't be content to settle down. She sucks guys in and throws them out again and she leaves a trail of desolation in her wake. Oh Solomon thou rightly judges in the dark sayings of thy wisdom, thy Proverbs ring true thousands of years later. Oh Paul how today's society disdains your sagacity, but your foolishness is so correct.

 

[GodIsSalvation]

i know we post things based on personal experience and what we see happen frequently. i'm not dismissing what you said in the previous post i'm just adding that both genders face things.

freshman year of college, i let a guy know i was interested in him. (a friend of mine told him, which probably wasn't the best thing to do lol). when he found out, he avoided me, so obviously, it wasn't mutual. maybe he avoided me so he wouldn't have to tell me in person he wasn't interested. regardless, it was a rejection.

the struggle is real for both genders. maybe it's different struggles, but still struggles lol

Lol well I wouldn't think that he's a Christian guy then lady melita, you're a very choice princess. I suppose it's the hindsight argument then, it is better you did not get with that guy so that you could be with your boyfriend now whom loves you and whose family loves you as their own daughter all ready, and I hope you will stay together and be married soon and happy for the rest of your lives because it gives my heart hope and a reason to bless the name of the Lord, praise Jesus.

 

[Monnkai]

From the description, can I ask why your friend chose a woman like that in the first place?

I'm always dumbfounded by the fact that people (both men and women) seem blindsided by relationships that don't work out but it's like, Um... You knew what this person was about, and you chose to stay with them, so you really can't be all that surprised... (I'm smiling, too, because yes, my friends and family told ME this about my bombed relationships, too.)

So now I've just stayed single/out of relationships/in hermit mode.

I agree. Although I should be more sympathetic but a lot of the people in abusive relationships knew what they were getting into when they decided to date someone emotionally unstable. But on the other hand, some people hide this emotional unstableness so well it's hard to tell right away. Oh btw love your Optimus Prime pic

 

[Monnkai]

Dont people meet in the grocery store anymore? Why do we almost insist on "on-line" stuff? I'm not in a position to meet someone local, but that is by my own doing and I could change that if i wanted to. But right now, I don't think God wants me anywhere near a relationship so im just chilln. LOL

You're totally right I should really ask what God wants before I get to deep into this. I'm sure he's got the perfect match....or not, Jesus was single and he said it was fine to be that way.

 

[Monnkai]

Lol I disagree. For us its hard because you don't reach out then you're not making the first move blah-blah stuff. If you do and you start to care about the person and if you try to care about them, or compliment them, or try to get to know them better then suddenly they hate you and think you a creeper, and say you don't know them, and say they don't want you, and say all sorts of stuff. At least that's how it seems with the Christian women.

Here's the difference between truly single Christian man and Christian woman. The Christian man holds out single in hopes for a Christian woman. The Christian woman on the other hand seems to have no interest, even in many cases an outright aversion, to a truly single Christian guy. It's messed up, but it's true.

I agree I haven't even tried Christian girls. It seems that there expecting someone like Jesus. I seriously lack in that department lol

 

[coby]

I agree. Although I should be more sympathetic but a lot of the people in abusive relationships knew what they were getting into when they decided to date someone emotionally unstable. But on the other hand, some people hide this emotional unstableness so well it's hard to tell right away. Oh btw love your Optimus Prime pic

No they have no idea. But the good thing about it is that you can really change if you want to. All your selfish rotten stuff can be dealt with if you find some good iron to sharp you lol.
If we had red flag lists back then and if we had known all that we would never have married. Glad I didn't know. My ex said later: normal people would have given up after a year.

 

[ntw1103]

My terrible luck with girls is very potent. The last girlfriend I had was Wiccan....As you know that did not end well. My biggest problem is girls talk to me for only a little bit. They then stop talking (no explanation was given) and I never hear from them again. The few girls who don't (Which I'm talking to still) aren't the least bit interested in dating. I was thinking of upgrading my Christian Mingle account, but I checked and there are very few people close to me and its expensive. I'll probably end up paying a lot of money just for girls to ignore me. Any advice?

I don't really have much to offer you for the issues you mentioned, that'd be the blind leading the blind. What I can suggest, is to not lose hope, or let it get you down. If you feel that you are starting to get down by it, that is indication that your priorities might be out of place.
While I truely do desire to get married.. I know that if that is my only, or even main focus, something is not right. Make sure you keep God first. Also, don't settle for anyone, make sure it is right one. I always go after girls who have no interest in a relationship.... always, so for me to give any other advice would essentially be the blind trying to lead the blind.

Girls and guys are interested in THEIR version of what a Christian spouse should look like. It's a recipe for unmet expectations that lead to broken relationship.

This is very true, and something that my father pointed out to me quite a while back. Because of this, I adjusted what my version should look like, and it basically came to this: They must be a Christian, and their priority in life must be following Christ. (Becuase if it isn't, that won't fit well with my priority in life, and that wouldn't be equally yoked)
While There are certainly more things that come into play, those are the hard requirements, everything else is more of a soft requirement, or maybe not a requirement.

I must gently suggest that if this is happening, there may be some other issue involved.

hmm.. well about a couple of months ago, there was a girl at church that caught my attention. I introduced myself to her, and we talked a few times after that. I added her as a friend on facebook. her phone number was listed. I tried calling her. This resulted in a message on facebook that pretty much accused me of being a creeper/stalker, and questioning how I got her number(later in the message, she mentioned she realized that she had it publically posted) ...I had no further interest.

Men often invest more quickly than women. It takes women a lot more time to make up their mind about a relationship. It's important for men to read the signals a woman is giving out, and try to match them or be a little ahead perhaps (as the pursuer) but not so much that it causes the woman to retreat. It's not a game we're playing, but how we respond to one another IS important, and there are "rules of engagement" that can help.

It is a bit hard for the men not to invest more quickly, since it is the guys 'responsibility' to be the pursuer. If a women isn't ready to be prusued, I'm not convinced there is anything the guy can do about that.

 

[JennaLeanne]

Im at a place at the minute where im learning to be content with the fact that I may never marry, Now i am only 29 and probably will meet someone but i am trusting God with all that, Paul says in phillipians 4:12 That he has learned the secret of being content with whatever situation, That's a real nugget of wisdom there for us to chew on.... Ya know as human beings our nature is greed, we want want want... Of course there is nothing greedy about us wanting someone to love and to love back, we are created for love but we need to ask ourself the question, Are we seeking a person out of lonliness, because we have something missing... Because we desperately need love ?

The truth is its only Jesus that can ever quench that thirst in us... if we are to go around searching with a thirst, I can assure you we will never ever quench it unless we go to him.. Us humans are more than capable of makin a right huge mess when we try and do things our own way (i speak for myself!) I'm a firm believer that if God has got a partner for us he will bring us together in his time... I'd encourage you to make getting to know Jesus your first priority.. matthew 6:33 Says But seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things shall be added unto u Thats a promise.

Bless you xxx

 

[GodIsSalvation]

I agree I haven't even tried Christian girls. It seems that there expecting someone like Jesus. I seriously lack in that department lol

Sir Monnkai, you're not that lacking. We all fall short if we're measured up to Jesus, that's a just a fact. Don't worry about the non-Christian women, they're worth less than animals. It sounds harsh but its true. If you play with dogs you might get fleas, but a non-Christian woman just likes to play with men's hearts for fun, they just like to torment and tease. Better to die a virgin then to have a life full of women like these.

 

[coby]

I don't really have much to offer you for the issues you mentioned, that'd be the blind leading the blind. What I can suggest, is to not lose hope, or let it get you down. If you feel that you are starting to get down by it, that is indication that your priorities might be out of place.
While I truely do desire to get married.. I know that if that is my only, or even main focus, something is not right. Make sure you keep God first. Also, don't settle for anyone, make sure it is right one. I always go after girls who have no interest in a relationship.... always, so for me to give any other advice would essentially be the blind trying to lead the blind.





This is very true, and something that my father pointed out to me quite a while back. Because of this, I adjusted what my version should look like, and it basically came to this: They must be a Christian, and their priority in life must be following Christ. (Becuase if it isn't, that won't fit well with my priority in life, and that wouldn't be equally yoked)
While There are certainly more things that come into play, those are the hard requirements, everything else is more of a soft requirement, or maybe not a requirement.



hmm.. well about a couple of months ago, there was a girl at church that caught my attention. I introduced myself to her, and we talked a few times after that. I added her as a friend on facebook. her phone number was listed. I tried calling her. This resulted in a message on facebook that pretty much accused me of being a creeper/stalker, and questioning how I got her number(later in the message, she mentioned she realized that she had it publically posted) ...I had no further interest.



It is a bit hard for the men not to invest more quickly, since it is the guys 'responsibility' to be the pursuer. If a women isn't ready to be prusued, I'm not convinced there is anything the guy can do about that.

Wow that's really weird that they call someone a creeper that soon for nothing. Saw it happen here yesterday. For goodness sakes, even if someone really bothers you, why can't they just be friendly and especially when they're christian. I acted quite like a creep, stalked someone's Facebook page and liked a post from a year back, I was desperate, but the guy stayed really friendly and oh it was no problem.

 

[Lynx]

kaylagrl, GodisSalvation, Sirk: Um... well, I am sorry if your pastors are like that. All I know is, if I'm having a problem in life the second person I would talk to is my pastor. (The first would be my uncle Fred, because he has some pretty deep wisdom.) This would go for relationship problems as well, assuming I had anyone with whom to have a relationship.

 

[Grace-Like-Rain]

hmm.. well about a couple of months ago, there was a girl at church that caught my attention. I introduced myself to her, and we talked a few times after that. I added her as a friend on facebook. her phone number was listed. I tried calling her. This resulted in a message on facebook that pretty much accused me of being a creeper/stalker, and questioning how I got her number(later in the message, she mentioned she realized that she had it publically posted) ...I had no further interest.

Yeesh, that was really harsh of her. You may have dodged a bullet with that one. How did she know you weren't calling her to ask what time the small group meeting at church started?

Unfortunately, we live in such a media and digital age now that a lot of people need warning before being called on the phone and actually spoken to. Sad but true.

 

[Lynx]

Yeesh, that was really harsh of her. You may have dodged a bullet with that one. How did she know you weren't calling her to ask what time the small group meeting at church started?

Unfortunately, we live in such a media and digital age now that a lot of people need warning before being called on the phone and actually spoken to. Sad but true.

View attachment 146220

If you call my regular number it just goes to my pager.

 

[skylove7]

From the wise words of Spanky...
"Annnnd How!" lol

 

[YankeesGurl]

I have been doing a lot of thinking on this lately.

Sometimes 'things' come up in a relationship, and we do have a thought to ourselves, "Hmm....this is odd." or, "hmm...could I deal with this? Live with this long term?" "This may seem minor now, but how will I feel about this in a year? Five years? Twenty years?"

Sometimes red flags do not come dresses as red flags. They come dresses as 'quirks', oddities, or sometimes things that ae just silly/funny at the time....but later on can become an issue.

They can be tricky to bring up and talk about. But it is always best to have open communication, and be honest. One never knows, sometimes there can be great resolution to a minor miscomunication. *shrugs*

People do themselves a great disservice by not recognizing red flags and calling them out.

 

[ntw1103]

Yeesh, that was really harsh of her. You may have dodged a bullet with that one. How did she know you weren't calling her to ask what time the small group meeting at church started?

Unfortunately, we live in such a media and digital age now that a lot of people need warning before being called on the phone and actually spoken to. Sad but true.

That IS the reason I was calling. She had mentioned a small group meeting, and I didn't know when or where it was meeting. No Joke. I figured going to that would provide opportunity to get to know here without me, as the pursuer, jumping too far ahead and asking her out directly. *shrugs*

 

[Oncefallen]

People do themselves a great disservice by not recognizing red flags and calling them out.

Out of my lengthy list of failed relationships over the years I ignored major red flags every time. We are creatures of habit and tend to gravitate towards the same type of people consistently. It wasn't until I realized that EVERY woman that I had dated had the same red flags ignored by me every time and began to discern what it was within me that drew me towards this type of woman that I was able to break the cycle.

 

[Sirk]

Out of my lengthy list of failed relationships over the years I ignored major red flags every time. We are creatures of habit and tend to gravitate towards the same type of people consistently. It wasn't until I realized that EVERY woman that I had dated had the same red flags ignored by me every time and began to discern what it was within me that drew me towards this type of woman that I was able to break the cycle.

Boy can I relate to that. I am so disgusted by my judgment that I don't know if I'll ever trust myself again.

 

[seoulsearch]

Out of my lengthy list of failed relationships over the years I ignored major red flags every time. We are creatures of habit and tend to gravitate towards the same type of people consistently. It wasn't until I realized that EVERY woman that I had dated had the same red flags ignored by me every time and began to discern what it was within me that drew me towards this type of woman that I was able to break the cycle.

This is a 10-star post.

Thank goodness for a recognition of the truth!!!

I get really frustrated when I hear, "Men always..." and "Women always..." because 9.98 times, the person isn't owning up to their own bad choices. They don't take responsibility for ignoring the red flags for a variety of reasons: "I don't want to be alone", "But this person is REALLY good-looking," "She/he has money," "They're a really good person, they're just sometimes in a bad mood...", "They only drink on the weekends..."

If someone keeps choosing people who all have the same red flags as the previous person, but STILL chooses to date them, there's only so much they can complain about.

Women will complain that men won't commit -- so stop dating men who have no respect for women.

Men will complain that women are only after money -- so stop dating superficial women who are only out to use a man.

In both cases, learn to recognize the difference between a good man/woman and a bad one and learn to resist the bad.

Just because someone refuses to let go of a "type" and repeatedly dates the same kinds of people doesn't mean they can stereotype everyone.

(I'm guilty of this too in a different way. I try very hard not to pigeon-hole people, but as everyone knows, I'm not too fond of men my Dad's or Grandpa's age trying to flirt with me. I'm trying very hard to see people as individuals and keep an open mind.)

 

[seoulsearch]

Boy can I relate to that. I am so disgusted by my judgment that I don't know if I'll ever trust myself again.

Gentlemen,

I completely admire your total honesty!!!

And I'm guilty just as well.